Jane woke up, feeling refreshed for the first time since the heat wave had started. The air in the room was cool, and she wasn't soaked in sweat. The walls weren't radiating heat at her, and she couldn't smell the hot garbage smell of the street. The pleasantly warm and familiar body of Maura was draped over her torso, Maura's head on the far side of the pillow of her body, sheets barely covering either of them. Jane brought her hand up to stroke gently over Maura's back, surprised but not displeased when she felt bare skin rather than the usual silk that graced her mornings, remembering what had happened last night, how Maura had been parading around in those booty shorts and asked her to come to bed, how Maura had wanted her, how Maura had felt against her, how Maura's hand had cupped her beneath her shirt, how it had felt like the most profoundly intimate moment she'd ever experienced.
Maura stirred, and Jane let her hand continue its path up and down Maura's torso, dipping into the lows of her spine, tracing the peaks.
"I had the most unusual dream," Maura said, muffled against the pillow. "It must have been the heat."
Jane's heart froze in her chest, her fingers freezing on Mara's back before retreating.
"The air conditioner was on last night," Jane said, feeling panic and disappointment rise in her chest. She looked out the window. "Looks like the heat wave is over anyway," she said, sitting up, letting herself out from under Maura's body. "I gotta grab Jo and head home." Jane said, leaving the bedroom before Maura's could say anything else. She threw a pair of pants on over her shorts, clipped on Jo's collar before Maura could even make it out of bed. She drove the car around the corner before she pulled over.
"What the hell was that?" Jane asked Jo, who looked up, whimpering in confusion. Jane let her out of the car to do her business, aware of the rain in the gutters, the wet pavement under her bare feet. She'd run out of there so fast.
But she'd had to. Maura hadn't meant anything she'd said last night. It was all the goddamn heatwave, getting everyone worked up and then leaving them high and not-so-dry. Jane let Jo back into the car and drove home, where the heat of the last week still baked the walls.
"Sorry, honey," Jane told her as she left her to go to work. She'd put another handful of ice cubes in the water bowl and left the windows locked open a few inches.
Jane didn't head down to the basement. The precinct was still too warm, but she knew there might be a Todd downstairs waiting for her, and she knew Maura would be... The Maura she'd always known, not the Maura from last night. Jane was glad she hadn't given in; it would have made today that much more awkward. But today was already awkward, and if she had, if she'd given in and had Maura, fully, completely, she'd at least have that memory to cherish along with whatever this broken friendship was going to be now. Jane rubbed her face, groaning, then grabbed her jacket to go out with Frankie to check in on an alibi.
Maura didn't come upstairs; or, if she did, Jane didn't see her. She hadn't seen Maura's face when she'd said what she'd said, but she knew what Maura had meant; that all those fervent kisses in the dim light of Maura's bedroom had been nothing but a fever dream. That the way Maura had arched and pressed against Jane had just been out of a primal need, and that Jane had just been a useful body. Jane knew Maura had an extensive range of toys; why then had she pulled Jane to bed with her. Because now Jane knew she was the fool, that she was the one exposed. The things she'd said - the things she'd done - the softness of Maura's mouth, the way it opened willingly to Jane's, the way Maura's tongue had climbed her neck to flick at her ear, the way she'd guided Jane's hands to her breasts... Jane looked around quickly, making sure she was still alone in the squad room, and on seeing that she was, she shook her head, stood and headed to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face.
Susie came up with the results. Susie, not Maura, and Jane knew Maura was too cowardly to face her. May never have the courage to face her. Maybe she was even disgusted, now that she wasn't worked up. Jane remembered Maura telling her that the human brain switched off disgust when horny once, and maybe that was all the explanation she'd ever get. Last night she'd been so certain. She could see a future, one with Maura at her side. And today all she could see was a page of results.
"Translation, please," Jane asked, still trying to decipher the report. Susie gave a long list of words that weren't much better, and Jane sighed. She could feel Susie's curiousity, but she knew Susie was too scared of her to ask. But for her to come up, she must know something was off. Maura must have asked her, so she wouldn't have to face Jane. Maybe it had been a test, maybe Maura had wondered for years if Jane had a crush on her, and last night was just testing that hypothesis. Jane sighed.
"Thanks, Susie," Jane said.
"Are you ok? You look..."
"Heatwave," Jane grunted. "You look," Jane gesticulated in Susie's direction, "too."
Susie nodded wryly and left, and Jane rubbed her face again. She couldn't believe she'd fallen for such a old trick; get your perp to confess by pretending to be on the same team. But Maura couldn't lie. Maybe it was like the disgust chemical or whatever. Get horny enough and it overrides all the other chemical and histamine responses. And Jane hadn't seen a rash, but it had been dark. She hadn't felt hives, but she hadn't been focused on the broad plain of chest above Maura's cleavage. How could it have all been lies, though? Maura had cried, and she'd let Jane hold her. If she was crying because Jane had finally admitted to an attraction Maura didn't want aimed at her, wouldn't she have pushed Jane away? Jane growled and stalked over to the suspect board, glaring at it as though it could give her answers.
Jane went down to the gay bar after work. She'd been there before, but not on a Friday night. It was wild, all women with mouths wet from alcohol whispering in her eager ear, women glancing past with their hands on Jane's lower back, women pressing against each other on the dance floor. No words, no conversations, just hormones and bad decisions. Jane had a beer, sitting at the bar, brooding, watching. A soft, pretty thing came to order, touched Jane's hands twice, not put off by the scars.
"D'YA WANNA DANCE?" The woman yelled over the pumping bass, and Jane nodded, taking her hand to disappear into the crowd of undulating bodies.
It was something Jane had never experienced before. She felt safe here, amid the maelstrom of whirling bodies, the one that brought her in here pressed against her, bodies slotted together in the tiny space they'd carved on the dance floor. She was soft, softer than Maura, and Jane flinched at the thought, the reminder, moved her hands back up to the woman's waist. Her hands were soft too, and they ran across Jane's body, leaving a fiery path behind them. Jane hadn't admitted to being attracted to women before last night, but here was the solid evidence, or liquid, Jane feeling her own moisture press against her as the other woman slid a thigh between hers. Oh, why did she wait this long? It wasn't the heatwave. It couldn't be. Jane had never been reduced to such primal urges, not with any of the men she'd known. She remembered getting dumped in middle school when her best friend grew breasts, remembered the envy she'd felt, the way she'd pulled back from all the other girls who'd been her friends, cradling her hurt like a living thing. This was so much worse, because Maura wasn't just her best friend, she was her colleague, she was where her Ma lives. If Ma had to make a choice, Jane didn't think she'd choose Jane over Maura, especially not if Jane came out.
"You ok?" The woman asked, clearly feeling Jane's mood change.
"Yeah. This is new to me," Jane said into the woman's ear. "Nice, but new."
"Nice?" The other woman grinned and grabbed Jane's ear between her teeth.
"Hot. Super hot. But I don't think... I'm not what you're looking for," Jane said, pulling away, heading for the door. She didn't expect to be followed.
"Breakup?"
"Nah. My best friend came onto me last night."
"Oh. Oh no. And you're into her?"
"I didn't think I was." Jane leaned against the wall of the club, glad for the cooler night air.
"Oh damn."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. I just wanted to know..."
"If it was just her? It was just a dance," The woman said. "I'm Peta."
"Jane." They shook hands awkwardly.
"And what's the consensus?"
"I think I like women. I think I really like women."
"And your friend?"
"Not so much."
"She's not into women, or you're not into her?"
"Both, I guess. If it's one, it had to be both, doesn't it?"
"Her loss is our gain," Peta said with a cheeky grin. "Look, you're hot. Like, so hot. You sort it out with your friend - and if she's straight, you come back. You could pick up literally anyone in there."
Jane nodded, looking Peta over again. Soft curves, and a sweet smile. She could definitely do worse.
"Oh, hey no, I'm not doing some straight girl experiment," Peta huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "You first timers never even cut your nails." Jane looked down at her hands; she didn't get manicures but she kept her nails short and practical so they didn't pierce the gloves she wore on crime scenes or snap at an inopportune moment. "It's a metaphor, or something," Peta said, when Jane showed her her nails. "A euphemism. I'm not a set of training wheels."
"I wouldn't..." Jane swallowed, tried to think how to word what she wanted to say. "I wouldn't be with someone like you as an experiment. Or for training. I'd be with you because I wanted to be."
"Flattering, but still a no for me." Peta came over and hugged Jane. "I hope you're wrong about your friend, but if you're not... I'm here most Fridays." Peta went back inside, and Jane watched her with a mixture of longing and self-loathing. She could have bluffed her way through - all the way into bed with that gorgeous woman who was clearly into her - but she'd have to live with herself later, and she knew she couldn't. But it hadn't been a single event - Jane was attracted, sexually, to women's bodies. Not just Maura, although with Maura there was so much more. Jane looked back at the club and shook her head. She wanted another beer, but she couldn't go back in. Not now. She needed to go home and figure out what was going on, if it was just her libido involved, or if she really was what she'd fought against being for so long because of the stigma and stereotypes about female law enforcement. She sighed and shook her head, pushed herself away from the wall and headed home.
Maura was walking Jo when Jane got back to her apartment. She greeted Jo and walked past Maura, who looked anxious.
"I want my key back," Jane said when she heard Maura come in a few minutes later. She'd gotten herself a cold beer, the condensation nice on her sore hands. The heatwave had made her palms burn, the scars itchy despite being long healed.
"Jane," Maura said, sounding sad.
"Just leave it on the counter," Jane said, taking a sip. She could still feel the sharp sting of arousal she'd felt in the club, her head still reeling at the last day and what it had meant.
"Jane, look at me," Maura said, sounding close to tears. She'd cried last night, but all crocodile tears. Jane turned her head begrudgingly. "You know I can't lie."
"It was dark," Jane countered. "You take antihistamines in summer so your hands don't swell. You can lie undetected."
"I didn't mean to... I was scared. Of how big...of how much..."
"Go be scared somewhere else," Jane said, turning her head away again. Jo softened her harsh stance by hopping up on her lap, Jane's hand instinctively rubbing Jo's silky ears.
"Jane, please. This is the opposite of what I wanted."
"What did you want? To make a fool of me? To prove I'm some kind of predatory lesbian waiting in the wings for whatever scraps you throw my way? To humiliate me? To make me think I was worth something to you? Because you did that for a long time, Maura, and you smashed that thought like a skull against pavement." Jo whimpered and Jane looked up. Maura was crying, putting Jane's key on her counter. Jane stood. "You hurt me. You were deliberately cruel. Last night you said everything I didn't even know I wanted to hear and this morning you took it all away. I might prank you, Maura, but I'd never..." Jane trailed off, reached behind Maura to grab the key. "I'd never deliberately hurt you like that," Jane said, softer now that she was face to face with Maura. Maura swallowed.
"How can I... I meant everything I said last night, but I woke up scared."
"You woke up in regret. I should've let you have your way, at least I would've got something out of this mess. But no, I wanted to know you were sure, and it turns out you weren't so here we are in the same situation I was trying to avoid."
"I'm sure, Jane," Maura said, her voice trembling. "How can I... I said something stupid, one stupid thing. I was scared," Maura said softly. "I wanted to know... "
"You wanted an easy out."
"It wasn't fair. I'm sorry. What can I do? How can I prove that I didn't mean to...?" Maura asked.
"You can fuck me," Jane said, resting one hand on either side of Maura's body, pushing her against the counter. She knew she'd said the word around Maura before, probably even to her, but it felt so crass. Maura wasn't trapped at all; it wouldn't take much for her to push Jane away. Jane had seen what happened when Doctor Maura Isles wanted to do you a injury; you got injured. If Maura didn't want this she could push past easily. She wanted to elaborate; she wanted to say she'd been on edge since Maura had first touched her last night, she wanted to say that it would make all this awkwardness worth it, she wanted to say so many things, but she'd said too much the night before and now here she was, standing in front of Maura who looked very uncertain despite going on about being sure. Maura's breath hitched, and her hands rose to Jane's waist, thumbs skirting Jane's prominent hipbones jutting out above her jeans. She slid her hand underneath the loose tank Jane had worn to the club, the back of her fingers raking against the exposed skin. Maura's hands quickly fumbled with Jane's belt, Maura looking up into Jane's hard face, her set jaw, her blank eyes before slipping her hand away, Jane's jeans unbuttoned.
"I can't."
"Then fuck you," Jane said, dropping her arms as well. She walked over to her couch, to her keys. "There's your key," she held it out until Maura took it reluctantly. "Now get out," Jane hissed.
Notes:
Oh no
