"You want me to fuck you? Fine," Maura snarled, hand slipping in the front of Jane's open jeans, fingers curling to cup her, audibly gasping at the dampness she found, even through the cotton of Jane's underwear. Jane's hips tilted forward at the contact involuntarily, and Jane grabbed Maura's wrist, withdrew Maura's hand from her pants, surprised by the anger she'd seen on Maura's face, surprised by the language Maura had used, surprised how easy it had been to push her that far.
"I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do," Jane said, finally gentle with Maura. "I just... I don't know what to believe."
"I don't want to fuck you, Jane," Maura said, anger dissipating in the face of Jane's honesty. "I want to touch you, take my time with you. I don't want to take you up against a counter; well, I do, but not right now. Not the first time."
"I'm too angry for you to take your time," Jane admitted. "Will be for a while."
"But you're also... you have a bit of a situation..." Maura indicated to Jane's open pants.
"Yeah. I went down to Merc," Jane admitted. "Danced with some women. Didn't expect it to have such an effect."
"Oh. Oh! So you're... you definitely... you enjoyed yourself?" Jane reached down and did up her zip, feeling her pulse against the seam of the jeans.
"If I say yes, will you try to tell me this was all just a dream?" Jane snarked. Maura stepped closer, not scared of Jane.
"No, and I'm sorry I did that this morning." Maura took Jane's hand. "You're so reserved, normally. I thought you'd ask me what I'd dreamed about, not just run away as though I had some sort of disease and disappear all day. I didn't think it through, and I'm sorry. I know now that I hurt you, and I'm sorry."
"I think it's best if we don't see each other for a while," Jane said, dropping Maura's hand and rubbing at her face. "I need some time to figure things out."
"If it helps, I meant what I said. That I think of us as kind of dating. That I'm attracted to you. This is new to me too, and you haven't always... been open to the idea of women." Maura sighed, a single, exhausted, frustrated puff of air. "This sucks."
"I was happy to sleep on the couch," Jane pointed out. "You manufactured a situation to take advantage of the heatwave - and me - and then you pretended it never happened. I don't play games, Maura, and I won't be toyed with. We were friends before, we might be again. But for now, I think it's best if we..." Jane turned to meet Maura's eyes, and Maura was startled at the look on her face. Hurt, confusion, anger. Perhaps some part of it was wistful for what might have been, but the primary emotion Jane was conveying was anger. "Just go," Jane sighed. "Please."
Maura nodded and turned to leave, knowing Jane felt betrayed, knowing Jane was hurt. She turned at the door, looking back on Jane as though it was the last time she'd see her.
"I love you," Maura said.
"I know, I love you too, I just can't stand to look at you right now."
Jane sank back down on the couch. It had been a hell of a day, she'd found out she was attracted to women in general, Maura in particular. She'd been so filled with joy, and then so betrayed. She'd had everything she wanted when she woke, and now she had nothing but a dull ache between her thighs that still hadn't been attended to. She felt bad that she'd made Maura cry, but also a little satisfied. She'd been hurt, and now Maura was hurt. But it didn't make her feel any better. She tipped back the last of her beer and headed for the shower.
Jane flopped onto the bed, in a tank and shorts for the night. There was a crinkle, and Jane reached underneath herself to pull out an envelope. Her elbow landed on a box of chocolates. Jane shoved them both aside, deciding instead to take care of the persistent arousal that had shaken her all day.
She tried to sleep afterward, still feeling unsatisfied. Maybe she should have got Peta's number. Maybe she should have gone home with her; it would at least have avoided this additional confusion. Maybe she should read the letter Maura had left. She tossed and turned, eventually groaning and turning on the lamp.
The letter was in Maura's fancy, loopy handwriting.
"Dear Jane," Maura had written. "You left so suddenly this morning that I didn't have time to say that when I woke I thought it must have been a dream, because I couldn't imagine anything that wonderful actually happening. If you regret it, and that's why you left, I'm sorry. I should never have pushed you like that. I knew you weren't ready.
"But please know - and I know I'm risking losing you by saying this - that I don't regret a single moment of what we said and did last night. I've never regretted a single moment I've ever spent with you, whether it's being held hostage in a prison infirmary, or locked down in the morgue with active shooters roaming the building. I don't regret kissing you, or touching you, and I know this will make things awkward between us if you never want me to do either of those things again, because it's all I can think about. I couldn't come upstairs because the sight of you at your desk, your neck at that awkward angle, would have had me wanting to drape my fingers over that exposed skin and slide down the collar of your button down. The heatwave may be over, but I still want you like nothing I've ever wanted before.
"I apologise if this isn't something you want, but I don't think I can go back to pretending that this isn't something I want, that you aren't someone I want.
"Please don't hate me. I hate it when you hate me.
"I love you,
"Maura."
Jane rolled over and looked at her phone. Jane never said she was sorry, and she especially never said she was sorry first, but Maura's apology was for the entirely wrong thing, and now Jane felt a little bad about the way she'd interpreted what Maura had said. She could have texted her and asked what she meant, or she could have stayed and questioned Maura but instead she had been too busy being hurt. It was late, too late to text, but she sent one anyway, knowing Maura never muted her number, even on DND mode.
"I read it. I'm sorry. I was hurt, and I was unfair."
A few minutes later, staring at her phone, Jane saw a message come in.
"XX, MI"
It wasn't much, but it was a start. Jane sighed and rolled over, remembering how Maura had held her the night before, wishing she was back there in that bed with the woman she'd finally admitted she was attracted to instead of feeling alone and guilty in her own empty bed.
