Chapter 14: The Sorrow Behind Your Smile
Tanda could feel the herbs in her hands begin to slip through her fingers. Flakes of green, red and yellow all drifting down her light tan buckskin skirt as they made their way to the ground below. She laced her sweaty fingers with Pru's, several tiny snippets of herbs still stuck in the crevasses between her fingers as she slowly placed their clenched hands upon her belly. Her honeyed hands trembling under Pru's white knuckled grip. Tanda could feel the quickening rise and fall of her chest with each deeply stinging breath she took, desperately searching for a calm as her fragile emotions threatened to explode inside her.
"When…when did you find out." Pru whispered, doing her best to keep her tone soft and even. Her immediate concern being for Tanda's current mental state. She looked so lost and frightened, like a doe in the woods about to succumb to a hunter's snare. Not at all like the strong willed woman she had known these past three years.
Tanda took a steadying breath and lifted her head to face her friend. The girl who would have been her sister in-law, aunt to her unborn child. If only she had made the choice to allow it to be so. How different this would have all been had she married Hawkeye and gone away with him and his family. A family so unlike her own. Its' very foundation built on trust, loyalty and love. Since the death of her father, it seemed for her that the word held no more meaning. What was her family anymore, but a group of young daughters to be wielded as a weapon to sooth their mother's desperate heart. And why had she felt even the smallest snippet of loyalty to them? As that very family loyalty had forced her into this wigwam to mix a concoction of herbs that would ensure the loss of her most precious gift. And suddenly Tanda wanted to scream. How could she have possibly considered ridding herself of the beautiful life inside? The beautiful life that she and Hawkeye had created together through love. How could she have possibly entertained her mother's horrible ideas on what was best for her and their family? Tanda squeezed tighter to Pru's hands and said, "Pru…I found out this past full moon. I had suspected but was not completely sure until I ceased to bleed this fourth month."
"And the herbs?" Pru calmly questioned, already knowing their dreadful purpose. When first she saw the deathly concoction, Pru had found herself quickly overtaken with rage at her friend's decision to vanish her brother's child from her womb. She found herself having to resist the urge to forcibly rip the herbs from Tanda's sweaty palms. Then, as she looked into her dear friend's eyes, saw the same heartbreaking helplessness that she herself had felt only a few short years ago. And as a sharp sting burned through her chest, she thought of how easily it could have been her. Alone and scared and desperate to free herself from an unwanted situation. But why or how could this gift, in this situation ever be thought of as unwanted? Nathaniel loved Tanda and she loved him. How could something do precious be viewed so darkly?
"My mother…she…," Tanda began, though paused when Pru suddenly wrapped her arms tightly around her shoulders and pulled her into a fierce embrace. Tanda gripped tightly to Pru's buckskin coat as she pressed her face into her friend's neck and wailed, "Oh Pru! She's wicked. I tried concealing the baby from her, at least until Hawkeye returned. Though, that did not appear to be soon enough. My mother recently became wise to my actions and demanded I get rid of the baby. Now, before I become too far along for herbal methods to be successful." Tanda rolled her head along Pru's shoulder, smearing her coat with a wet mixture of mucus and tears. "And when I refused, she beat me. She hit me everywhere but my face." Tanda huffed out a crazed laugh. "So not to ruin my chances with the other village warriors...once the baby was gone."
"Tanda...I need you to tell me the truth," Pru said, pulling back from their shared embrace and staring into her eyes straight on. "Have you taken any of those herbs?"
Tanda straightened her posture, still finding herself several inches shorter than Pru and without any hesitation answered, "No...none. This...," she said gazing down at the skewed flakes, "...would have been my first dose."
Pru shoulders sagged in relief. "Tanda, you need to tell him. Nathaniel needs to know and as soon as possible. He will want to be a part of this with you. To see you through this. To be by your side," Pru dipped her head a bit lower, trying to stare into Tanda's downcast eyes. "You know that right?" She asked, giving Tanda's shoulders a light squeeze of reassurance.
Tanda let her eyes fall shut. Her long lashes sweeping slowly atop her golden eyes, briefly blackening the world around her. Her weary heart already resigned to the day and calmly leaned forward, placing her forehead against Pru's. Just as she had seen Nathaniel do many times before. "I will tell him Pru. But promise me, should you see him first, that you will remain silent about the baby. I wish for him to hear it from me and me alone."
"Yes...of course I promise, Tanda. He should hear it from your lips alone."
"And Pru...," Tanda began as she pulled her forehead away from Pru's, "Please...never mention what I was about to do...to anyone."
Pru wrapped her arms around Tanda, squeezing her tightly to her chest for the second time and whispered into ear, "I promise never to tell a soul."
Pru and Tanda exited the nentpike's wigwam hand in hand. A newfound strength binding them together as sisters. They paused for a moment just outside the wigwam. The frigid air accentuating every small breath they took as they each turned to face the other. They stared silently into each other's eyes. No words needing to be passed between them. Finally, Tanda squeezed Pru's soft palms in her own and stepped forward placing a gentle kiss on Pru's cheek. Before turning on her heel and heading out in search of Nathaniel, who Pru assured her was most likely awake and already wandering about the village in search of his precious love. Pru watched her walk away, shoulders back and head high. Once more the Tanda Pru knew. She smiled to herself and swiveled her head to the left, wondering if Chaska was in his wigwam. Though somehow knowing he was not, turned completely around and began making her way out into the cold and barren forest.
Pru tilted her head upward as she walked. Her eyes take in Mother Nature's stubbornly colorless sky, still shutting out any blue that might bravely try to creep its way into the day. Small clusters of flurries continued to float haphazardly down from the darkened clouds above, no rhyme or reason to their pattern. She wished this miserable weather would end. While snow did have a sort of ominous beauty to it, the way it laid so peacefully undisturbed along the tree's brittle branches, the frosty chill in the air made her skin and bones feel raw. Pru forced her buckskin coat tight around her body and continued on her way, her mind swarming with different thoughts as to what she would say too Chaska. Her distracted nature in the moment, compelling her to miss the large snow bank in front of her and snapping out of her daze too late, felt a cold wetness as her foot suddenly sank deep into a mound of ice crusted snow. Chunks of sharp, icy glazed snow stabbing at her nearly bare ankles and forcing their way into her moccasins. Ugh, she thought as she pulled her foot from the hole it had created and tried to shake the snow off her now reddened skin. The force of her efforts, knocking her off balance and Pru quickly spread her arms outward, desperate to maintain her standing position. When finally she realized her efforts were in vain and as if in slow motion began to topple over, until she felt the familiar touch of a large palm grip her elbow.
"Ooooh!" She exclaimed startled by both her unsteadiness and the sturdy hand that now held her carefully in place.
"Are you alright?" Chaska asked, as he turned his body around to face her, not releasing her elbow while also grasping her flaying right hand tightly in his own.
Pru reached out for his shoulder with her left hand, the combined efforts of the two finally offering the perfect amount of stability and allowing her to put her foot down without tumbling over. She raised her head up to him, a wide, wild smile drifting across her face. "You always did have impeccable timing, Chaska!" She said with a belly laugh as she gently released both his shoulder and hand from her own.
"I try," he replied with his own bright smile, silently loving the easiness of their repertoire and carefully he let her go from his grasp. Though he continued to linger in the small, intimate space that encompassed them, not physically able in this moment to willingly create any type of distance between them. He followed her with his eyes, watching every small movement she made, from the way she delicately dragged her fingers down along her braid making certain it remained perfectly intact, to how she tugged slightly at the collar of her blue linen shirt, the deep V neck unintentionally exposing more of her porcelain skin then she desired to flaunt. Chaska's wide smile suddenly faded from his lips as he tilted his head slightly to the side, narrowing his eyes a bit as he took in the specific cut and style of her shirt. The distinct cut around the collar clearly giving it away as a males shirt. A male that was not too much larger than herself. Chaska shifted his eyes to the bright white snow at their feet, searching through his memories. Had he ever seen Nathaniel or Uncas wear a shirt of that particular cut and color? Surly, he must have at some point, how else would she have acquired it. Though, the longer it took for him to recall it, the more an unsettling feeling of nervousness crept up into his soul. His eyes began darting back and forth across her moccasin covered feet, mentally and physically desperate to find the answer he sought and finally his eyes fell transfixed on the beaded purple tassels that lay atop her moccasins. His mind surrendered as he could not recall even one memory of either of her brothers ever having a shirt like this, and slowly his heart sank a bit more as he began putting the skewed pieces of a rather undesirable puzzle together.
"Chaska? Are you alright?" Pru asked, dipping her head to the side when she saw the forlorn expression tainting his, only a moment ago, serene features.
The sound of his name on her lips instantly breaking him from his reverie and immediately lifting his eyes from the snow to see her concern for him set squarely across her face. Chaska became acutely aware of the rise and fall of his chest, as it heaved beneath his plum colored linen shirt. The eerie silence of the blanketed forest made the ferocious thundering of his heart in his chest echo throughout his entire body. Mother Nature's frigid temperatures no match for his body's inner turmoil as small dollops of sweat began forming all around his hairline. Chaska took a deep, steadying breath and rose his downcast eyes to face her, desperately needing to gaze at her straight on. When finally their eyes met, he watched as Pru straightened her head and posture, like a warrior bracing herself for some type of invisible impact. He furrowed his brows, even as he stared into her eyes he could see the way she fiddled nervously with her hands, pressing her thumb nail over and over again into the pads of her other fingers. A tick he had seen her do many times over the years when she was apprehensive about something and his heart sank further as it was becoming clear now that her uneasiness was because of his presence. But why?
Then suddenly the pieces of the puzzle fell seamlessly into place in his mind, years of small details all clicking at once. Nathaniel's endless mentions of weapons training on the farm, Uncas's vivid descriptions of the cabin and the land around it, Chingachgook's deep friendship with the farm's owner, Sampson and then Pru. Pru's elusive smiles whenever the majestic place was spoken about. How she always wore boys clothing when she arrived at the village and then even after, refusing to wear any other top but the one she first arrived in. Very much like the one she wore now. How agitated she was just before they left last, irritated to still be at the Delaware camp long after they would have usually left. And finally, her silent snub of him just before they left. Chaska had no image in his mind, only a name. Martin.
He could see her gulping hard as she watched it all wordlessly come together for him. Chaska parted his lips to speak, desperate to say something, anything to her. Though instead, as if The Great Spirit had stripped him of his tongue, found himself completely mute. His limbs felt weak and his heart felt heavy. He wanted to grab her to his chest, press their bodies tightly together and speak to her all the words of love he felt in his heart for her. To tell her how every single moment that they had shared over the past three years had changed him, had awoken in him something he thought long ago dead and buried. That she had unknowingly saved him from a life of utter despair. Then with a kaleidoscope of emotions coursing through his veins, and almost as though he had no physical control over what was happening, Chaska stepped towards her. Mere inches separating their bodies, and gently laid his right palm along the side of her face. The light gasp of warm breath she expelled from her lips dancing its way across his skin, enveloping him in its clutches the way he longed for her to do with her arms. Please, he thought. Please…confess to me that I am wrong. Please…hold me close and caress me. Please…Pru…please love me.
Pru could feel her body beginning to tremble under the fiery stare of Chaska's eyes upon her. The burn of his deep gaze raking her with guilt. She should have told him sooner, should have confessed to him her longing for Martin. It would all be different now if only she had, the awkwardness between them ceasing to exist. Then suddenly, slicing through her thoughts, was the feel of his warm skin stop her icy cheek. The soft rhythmic glide of his thumb along her cheekbone, his gentle touch making her skin tingle. She felt her breath hitch in her throat, then slowly, softly the air began to expel through her slightly parted lips. The hot puff wafting directly into the chiseled features of Chaska's anguished face. His expression softening to the point of near peacefulness as he welcomed any part of her to envelop itself around him. How could she have possibly allowed his emotions for her to get you this point? She thought as he stood before this beautifully pure man, with his heart and eyes open, patiently waiting for her to accept the precious gift of his love. Pru felt her shaky legs wobble beneath her as she peered upon his dear face. The stinging in her eyes gave way to fallen tears as she slowly fluttered her lashes open and close. And without even realizing what she was doing placed her palm atop his own. His long fingers quickly looping with her own. Pru could feel his angst seeping into her skin from his own. He was nervous, frightened even, of what may happen in the next few moments. And Pru could not bear to see him this way, not for even one second more. She squeezed her fingers lightly against his moist skin and slowly began to back away from his gentle touch, until their arms were extended straight out and their physical connection was only being held together by the loose loop of their still entwined fingers.
Chaska felt the wetness of his silent tears fall lightly down his cheeks, each slow blink of his eyes offering more of his sadness out into the world. It was true, his dearest friend, the girl he had held while she wept, the girl who he had laughed with, played games with, created mischief with, the girl that from almost the moment he met had silently decided she was who he was going to make his wife. The girl who had taught him to love…was in love with another. And as their fingers finally parted and he watched as she continued to step further away from him, the tears in her eyes echoing his own. Chaska felt then the finality of the moment as he watched his beloved wipe her own fallen tears from her eyes and slowly turn on her heel. Her dark brown braid swaying back and forth along her back as she made her way further and further away from him.
"Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel better or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day"
Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones
(For Chaska)
Pru covered her mouth with both of her palms in a vain attempt to muffle her sobs as she walked shakily away from him. Her chest heaved as she quickened her pace, desperately needing to put as much distance as possible between them. This was the worst pain she had ever felt in her life, and she knew pain. The way her heart hurt now split her to the core. The radiating sting burning down each of her limbs and making her feel like she was walking on hot coals. She had wanted to speak, wanted to take him in her arms and tell him how much she loved and cared for him, her dearest friend. Though her tongue would not move, not a single word would slip from her lips. Pru spread her fingers up along her face, sheltering not only her mouth but also her eyes from the agony of the moment. After trekking her heavy heart blind and mute through the snow for several minutes, she was abruptly seized from behind. The warmth of a large calloused palm tightening around her face. The strength behind the familiar touch pressing her hands roughly against lips and cheeks. Her faint yelp subdued by the force of his body as he threw himself atop her, both of their bodies gently collided with the snow. She struggled for only a moment, her deep seeded fears overtaking the rational part of her mind. Then just as quickly did she calm beneath his light touch, all of her senses taking him in at once and giving him away for this person was.
The moment Pru's body relented to his touch Chaska knew she was aware it was him and no other. Carefully, quietly he released her. His hand gripping tightly to her palms and slowly he pulled them down and away from her face. Pru swiveled her head around to face him. The ghostly look in his eyes instantly alarmed her. Chaska cupped her chin in his palm and lightly turned her head to face the opposite direction. Pru's wide, cautious eyes scanned the sterile forest. Her eyes only seeing barren trees blanketed with thick layers of heavy snow that weighed them down forming frighteningly unnatural positions. She furrowed her brows, not seeing what Chaska seemed so desperate for her to see. Until finally, she narrowed her bright blue, sporadically spread throughout the forest were the hunched bodies of a rival Indian tribe advancing slowly and silent against their unknowing village. Chaska lightly gripped her shoulder, pushing her further down behind the large fallen tree that he had taken as their shelter and with his hands still lightly gripping her chin, turned her head back to face him.
Pru's eyes widened with horror as she thought of every soul that dwelled within the camp, peacefully unaware of what was stalking towards them. Her father, Uncas, Nathaniel and Tanda's faces all swirling together in a blur of deep crimson as her fear and worry grew for the ones she loved. "Chaska...," she breathed into his tear stained face. Her eyes widened with fright, "We must warn them."
Chaska gazed into her eyes, losing himself for a moment in the striking blue hue as it sparkled against the alabaster snow. He blinked, the last of his tears seeping from his eyes and softly muttered, "I will. I will warn them. But Pru, I want you to stay here. The log is hollowed out, you can crawl inside and remain undetected."
"No. We will warn them together," she whispered. Her eyes staring unwaveringly and filled with conviction back at him.
Chaska swallowed hard, hearing the resolve in her voice. He had no desire to bring her back to a camp that he knew was being invaded. Putting her, knowingly, in that type of danger was irresponsible and utterly against his moral code as a man and warrior. However, he knew all too well then to believe that she would simply allow him to tell her what to do, regardless of him having the best intentions for her well being. And especially since her family was inside the camp completely unaware of the attack that was about to happen. Knowing that time was of the essence, he took both of her cheeks between his palms and begrudgingly whispered, "You stay right behind me and if I tell you to run...you run." Chaska paused, his dark eyes boring deeper into her light ones, "Promise me Pru."
Pru laid both her palms atop his own, still gently holding her cheeks, and nodded her head as she mouthed the word, "Òsòmi."
Author's Note: Now, once again, this chapter was intended as part of a larger one. That, once again, I split! I know it's shorter as well, but Chaska and Pru needed their due. My heart hurts for Chaska. His utter and complete love and devotion for Pru, blinding him for years to the fact that her heart belonged to another. And poor Pru, while she did not handle their last goodbye well, she does love him so much. He truly is her dearest and most trusted friend. Because remember, at this point in the saga...Chaska is the only person she has confessed all of the details of her rape too. In another world where Martin did exist they would have been a beautiful couple. But in this world and this time...Martin does exists. And he is the only person she could ever love that way. Time will tell what is to become their deep, mutual friendship. Fingers crossed it survives this.
And poor Tanda...driven by her mother to feel like she must abort her child. That women is despicable! I have left you with the village on the cusp of attack and still unaware of what Tanda has planned for herself, Nathaniel and their unborn baby. That is where our next chapter will pick up.
**òsòmi is Lenape for certainly; oh yes
Fun Fact: my favorite band is unquestionably Led Zeppelin...followed closely by The Rolling Stones. I have almost just as many band t-shirts ;) I love the song "Wild Horses", it came on the radio the other night and all I could think of was Chaska soooo...
As Always...a HUGE thank you to everyone who viewed/reviewed the last chapter. MohawkWoman, AsterLaurel, BlueSaffire, ELY72, BrynnaRaven, Hazel222, Thank you so much for all that you do for me!
Thanks for reading ;)
