A/N: Again thank you for being so kind and not judging me about pouring my heart out in the previous chapter. I really appreciate your kindness! Now though interesting things are about to happen, buckle up you all! Enjoy!
You can now find me on Twitter: bensonsboo
After she had lied under the covers in her bedroom, she hugged her pillow and let the rain hitting the window in the room, lull her to sleep. Before though exhaustion took the better of her she let her mind drift off to the young blonde that was currently camping out on her couch.
What a stubborn woman that one was.
And that's pretty much everything she knew about her. And how her talent in singing was discovered.
Every time Olivia would try to dig a little deeper the other woman would shut down immediately and they were back in ground zero. At least today they had made some sort of progress, that's how she maintained her hope.
Whatever little hope there was when it came to this case and this woman.
Amanda was right; Ramsey was a powerful man, well esteemed, with an impeccable reputation. After so many years on the job she had seen plenty of those getting away with their crimes. Did it piss her off? Absolutely. Was there anything she could do about it? Absolutely not. Well... she could keep an eye on them. She always did. It was her one and only obsession.
Her last thought before she finally gave in and let her body rest was a wish; she wished her phone wouldn't ring tonight. She prayed to whatever higher power there was up there to give her that luxury of not waking up in the middle of the night for just one time.
An ear piercing noise woke her up. Thinking that it was her alarm she outstretched her arm towards the nightstand to grab her phone and turn it off before it drove her insane. When she checked her phone though the screen was pitch black. She had the weekend of, she never sets an alarm when she doesn't have to work.
If her alarm isn't screaming then what is? Or better who?
Amanda.
She pushed away the covers and started walking towards the living room as fast as she could. She stopped dead in her trucks when she finally had the room in full view. Oh and what a terrifying view it was.
"No, daddy, please. I'll be good, I promise I'll be good!" The blonde kept yelling from her place on the couch kicking and punching the air, desperately trying to get away of whatever was hunting her dreams.
"I promise I've changed! I promise! Please don't, please!" Finally Olivia's instincts kicked and she rushed to Amanda's side.
Touching her right now didn't seem like a good idea but she went with it anyway. She sat next to her on the couch, in the small space that the blonde's body didn't occupy and pushed her hands down gently.
"Amanda, honey, wake up. It's just a bad dream, sweetie." Her eyes were shut and tears were rolling down her face as she kept whimpering.
"I promise, daddy, I've changed. Please, get off of me! I don't want to, it hurts!" Olivia was on the verge of tears as well.
Was that what Amanda had meant back at the hospital when she said that she'd had worse? Had her father molested her as a kid? She had changed? What the hell had happened to her?
"Shhh, honey, it's just a bad dream." She kept whispering against her ear. "It's just a bad dream, wake up."
"Ahh!" She screamed and sat up on the couch, her breathing shallow and fast.
Where was she? This wasn't her apartment that's for sure. And then she saw the distraught woman in front of her, how her eyes were filled with unshed tears. Filled with so many questions. Questions that Amanda held all the answers to but had swore she'd never tell anyone. At least not the details of it all.
But something told her that tonight she wouldn't get away with it.
"Was I... did I have a nightmare?" She asked, her voice husky from all the crying and sleeping.
"I believe so." Olivia brought up her hand and wiped away the few tears that stained the blonde's pale cheeks. There was sweat running down her temples and her eyes were so red and puffy, she looked like a little girl right at that moment.
"What time is it? Did I wake you?" She was whispering. She didn't know why but she kept her voice low. Maybe then it wouldn't be as real. Just maybe.
"It's still dark outside so it's definitely late." She caressed her cheek with her thumb and felt Amanda leaning into her touch. Had anyone ever comforted her like that? Had anyone ever loved her? So many questions she wanted to ask but waited.
Now wasn't the right moment.
"What is it with you and avoiding questions?" It was a poor attempt to lighten up the mood but Olivia chuckled nonetheless.
"I thought it was my alarm. Don't worry, honey, I am a light sleeper. Even a simple cracking noise would wake me up."
"Did I sound so awful? Because alarms do." They both chuckled this time but Amanda's followed a hiss.
"Why don't you lay down, honey. You must be in a lot of pain." She nodded, she didn't have the strength to protest this time. Too tired. Too scared.
"I am sorry I ruined your sleep. Maybe I should leave tomorrow. I wouldn't want to ruin your weekend too, I am sure you have pla-"
"I am telling you, it's okay. I don't have any plans and I wake up at least three times in the middle of the night. I have my own nightmares to deal with."
Smooth Benson, good job.
Sometimes, on the job, when a victim would be too reluctant to open up and disclose to them, she would tell them something about herself in hopes to build some sort of trust between them and eventually get the answers she needed. She did this because she wanted one less rapist on the streets and because she knew the power of talking to someone about your trauma. How acknowledging it happened is the first step towards healing.
"Your own nightmares?" Olivia was sitting on the floor in front of her, her back leaning against the coffee table. It wasn't the most comfortable of positions but that's what worked best right now.
"I have been working as a cop for more than two decades. I have seen things, heard things." She paused for a second to consider if telling her everything was the right thing. She eventually settled for: "I've had things happen to me. Do you get these often?"
"Most of the nights. If I am maxed out then so is my brain which means that those nights are peaceful. The neighbors complained at some point about yelling, did I say anything?" She dreaded the answer to that. If she had, what had she said? Were her demons unleashed?
"You did..." she trailed off, taking her time reading Amanda's expression. "You kept saying 'please daddy, no' and other things like that..."
"Oh."
That was the only thing she uttered. Oh. She hadn't talked to anyone about it before, she didn't have to. She was drowning and no one ever tried to grasp her arm and save her. But Olivia was now holding her hand. Olivia was now being an anchor she needed to hold onto unless she would drown.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked softly.
"I have never... I am scared." She finally admitted. She was scared that if she told her, the brunette wouldn't look at her in the same way. She would pity her or feel disgusted .
"There is no need to be right now. It's just you and me. We are doing this at your pace. Take all the time you need." She let her eyes fall close and took a few painful deep breaths.
"It all started when I was fourteen." She opened her eyes and stared right into chocolate brown orbs. "I was a teenage girl, in a small city in Georgia. It had been going on for a lot longer than that but that's when I decided I'd had enough."
"Enough of what?"
"My father was an abusive gambler who enjoyed his whiskey and beating the shit outta my mama way too much. One day, he comes back home after a week of being gone. My mama was so mad at him. She started accusing him of abandoning us–me, her and my sister Kim–and letting us die from starvation. Truth is the money were so little I had barely eaten those seven days.
"Anyway, he had lost almost our entire fortune on a bet. His lucky hoarse lost for the first time. Charlotte. She was white, she looked magical. Kinda like you had just taken her out of a movie screen." She zoned out for about a minute, her mind going back at the days were her dad would take her with him to watch how Charlotte won every race.
"Earth to Amanda." Olivia's voice brought her back to reality.
"Sorry." She shook her head and refocused her gaze on the sergeant. "I got downstairs to see what the hell was all the yelling about–I was studying and I couldn't focus with their voices so loud–and I saw him attacking her with a lamp. I remember mama telling me to be a good girl and go upstairs. But I didn't. I watched the whole thing. How he beat her, slut-shamed her and eventually how he raped her."
Okay, that, she did not expect. She expected to hear a story about how one day her dad had just climbed into bed with her when she was nine years old. This was usually what happened, what pedophiles did. She had been talking and talking and talking but not once did she mention about her own abuse.
Though witnessing abuse is just as hard for a person.
"When he took notice of me he climbed the stairs, yanked me by the arm and threw me down. I landed in front of my mama while she was redoing her blouse and wiping some blood off her face. I told her that I saw them and she slapped me across the face. 'You shouldn't have Mandy' and then daddy came after me but I managed to get away. Locked myself in my room until everything was silent enough."
"Must have been really scary." Olivia whispered softly after she sensed that Amanda was trying to build all her walls up again.
"It was. Everyone was fast asleep, I grabbed Jim's car keys-"
"Jim?"
"My dad." Olivia nodded in understanding. Oh, how many times had she refused to call her mother 'mom' and instead used her first name.
"I took the keys and drove the track down to the station. Told them that he hurt her, that they both hurt me and all the sheriff told me was that it was a lost case. That there was nothing they could do." She discreetly wiped away a tear that escaped her eyelids and sniffled before she continued.
Olivia's hand never leaving hers, was working as her lifeline. It provided her with all the strength she needed.
"I just avoided him after that. I was trying to stay away from trouble and maybe he would stay away from me, you know?"
"I do, honey. I really do." She would need a million hands if she wanted to count the times she had done the same with her own mother.
"Anyway, a year later, fifteen at age, I... I got myself a girlfriend." If Olivia was shocked (which she was) she didn't show it. "Samantha. She had rich brown hair, green eyes, she was amazing. Anyway, we had been dating for half a year, and fooled everyone into thinking that we were besties. The only people that knew were her mother and my sister, no one else."
No kid would ever admit to being gay, it was the south. She had confided in her sister Kim because she trusted her and Samantha was all her mother had, having lost her husband when Sammie was only eight. She wouldn't be mad at her for who she chose to love.
Unlike her own parents.
"One night we decide to go to the movies. 'Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron' and yes we were a little old for this but we wanted to go out together and that was the only movie the theatre played that day. We both kinda tear up, emotional girls you see. By the end of the movie we were both so carried away that we kissed." A smile formed on her face at the memory of that kiss. It was salty and sweet. It was perfect.
"We didn't think that someone would be watching, we had gotten last row seats. After the movie ended we went from her place, her mother was out of town and... and it happened." The crimson color that covered her cheeks made her even more adorable. Who would have thought that Amanda Rollins had such a shy side. "I had told my mama that me and Samantha would have a sleepover at hers and she couldn't care less. I was clear for the night. And oh, what a night."
"Sounds like you two were in love." Olivia was happy and jealous at the same time. She had never had a high school sweetheart. It's the one think she had always craved for but never got to taste.
"We were. I mean yes we were young but that didn't stop us. She was the first woman I ever dated and my first, I loved her and trusted her more than anything. Until that was ruined too." The slightest of happiness that the memory of her first and last love had brought had disappeared at the memory of what followed the morning after they made love.
"What happened?"
"One of the boys from our school had come to watch the movie and saw us kissing. And we though we were so careful. The entire school knew about us, kept calling us names... nasty things. Samantha didn't really care, but she respected the fact that I did and didn't push things."
"Wish all my life partners were that understanding." Olivia scoffed.
"Sorry."
"Don't be. And what happened after?"
"Word got out and reached my dad's ears. When I came back home he grabbed me and led me up to my room. He locked himself alone with me inside and... he started unbuckling his belt. 'My daughter ain't a fuckin' dyke' he said. I told him that I was gay, that he couldn't change that. I tried to explain that it wasn't bad but it all fell on deaf ears. Next thing I know my back is on the bed, he is on top of and he... he raped me."
She slummed her free hand against her mouth to stop the sobs that were coming uncontrollably out of it.
"Shh, honey. It's okay, you are safe now. You are safe." Olivia leaned forward and pressed her lips against Amanda's sweaty forehead. "Let it go. Let it all out. I promise you, you'll feel better afterwards."
"I begged him to stop, I tried to tell him that I would change but he just kept going. Until he... he climaxed. Then he stood up and left the room. Like this was all normal. He left the door open and I saw my sister standing outside the door. She looked so terrified, she was only twelve years old. He looked at her and told her 'you pull half the shit she did, you'll have it worse'."
"I am so sorry, Amanda. So so sorry. No one deserves to go through all that." She kissed her forehead again and again until the sobbing subsided.
"For how long did this go on for?"
"Two years."
Two years?!
"You found a way to convince him that you had changed." The word sounded so ridiculous. You can't change someone's sexuality. It's who they are and all you got to do is accept it and move on with your life.
"Huh!" She scoffed. "I wish. My sister was now fourteen, she knew the specifics of what was happening inside that room without needing me to tell her. One night that mama was out he climbed to my bed again. Kim called the cops, told them to be quiet and showed them to my room. They caught him in the act, I was lying half naked, crying, begging him to stop.
"One of the officers was a woman. When they pulled him off me she approached me, covered me with the blankets. God, how scared Kimmy was. I just remember thanking her for helping me. The woman took me to the hospital, they treated my injuries–vaginal mostly–and then we drove to the station. I told them vaguely what was going on and within the next few months he was rotting behind bars."
"Well, at least you got some justice. Someone listened to-"
"You know Sheriff Patton said that this was what happened to dykes like me and that I was asking for it. He said I was lucky that the officers were there because if it was him, he would have picked my dad's side."
If Olivia thought she was stunned by everything that Amanda had endured during her childhood she was even more surprised and disgusted by the way the commanding officer of the unit had handled it. South or not those beliefs, especially nowadays, were unacceptable.
"He shouldn't have said that. Who you choose to love, what job you choose to do, shouldn't matter. To me, my squad, it doesn't." She made sure to emphasize every single word, that the message would be delivered and read.
"Good to know."
"And what happened after that? How did you end up in New York working as a burlesque performer?"
"Remember my music teacher?" She waited for the other woman's nod and then continued. "She had me audition for Juilliard. They accepted me full scholarship. I could sing, play the guitar, dance. After listening to my story, about being gay in the south not the abuse part, they considered me a catch and there I was."
"From Juilliard to Red Burlesque? How?"
Juilliard was one of the greatest schools of art in the country. Most of the kids that got out of there became big names around the globe. Yet Olivia had never heard the blonde's name and given her love for art, especially theatre, it was quite strange.
"I graduated when I was twenty one, did some gigs here and there. I auditioned for a few broadway shows and others and I did start rehearsals for one play but it got cancelled a month before we were to put it on. After that, luck just wasn't by my side. So I worked at a few bars as a singer, a dishwasher even a waitress until I found out about this audition at the lounge and jumped at the opportunity. Needless to say I wish I hadn't."
Who wouldn't.
"And you didn't tell anyone about this till now?"
"I mean my vocal coach teacher got wind of it but I told him that it wasn't worth it. 'That's how they win', he said the same thing as you." She sniffled and looked at Olivia again. "Anyway that's my story."
"I... I am sorry, Amanda. So incredibly sorry. For your mom, your dad, Samantha, little Kimmy. I am sorry you had to go through all that alone." She truly was. Because she knew how it felt going through it all alone. She had done it both as a teen and as an adult.
She sat on the couch next to Amanda and slowly sat her up to hug her. In the beginning Amanda was startled but eventually she gave in and let herself feel whatever it was she was feeling.
So she cried, she sobbed, she whimpered from the pain. She felt it all. All the things she hadn't allowed herself to feel in the last ten years she felt it now and it was about damn time.
"Do you think you could go back to sleep?" Olivia asked after the blonde had finally calmed down. She had quickly checked the clock on the wall only to see that the time was a bit after four in the morning. For how long were they up?
"I..." She had already been such a burden she didn't want the other woman to worry even more about her. "Yeah, I'll be fine." She said in the end.
"You know, if you need anything, you can just ask." Olivia shrugged. "When I was younger and I was feeling like the world was ending I always hoped I had someone to hold me." She sighed nostalgically. All she wanted was someone to wrap his arms around her, make her feel safe. She got neither most of the times and she had learnt how to live with that. "All I am saying is that tonight, you have someone to hold you if you need it."
She kissed Amanda on the forehead once again and was ready to stand up when she felt a small trembling hand circling her wrist.
"Hold me?" She whispered in a slightly shameful tone.
"Come on, I'll help you up. From experience, this couch can be very uncomfortable."
Carefully she helped the blonde up and never leaving her side, she guided them both to the bedroom.
"Are you sure?" Amanda asked once they were under the covers.
"Are you?" When the affirmative nod came Olivia smiled and put her arm underneath the other woman's neck. "Then I am too. Come on, try and get some sleep."
"Good night, Olivia."
"Good night, honey. Sweet dreams."
A/N: Done! Hope you like it. We got to know close to everything about Amanda's past, and it certainly satisfies me that everything is out in the open. There is more to come, FYI. Now till the next chapter have a nice day or nightand be sure to take care of yourselves!
