A/N: Hey! I was gonna post yesterday but I was working on a two-shot and the first chapter of it is up btw. Also, I am suffering from a major writer's block so bear with me. Now, on to the chapter, enjoy!
"So, you like me?"
Olivia was just staring at the petite blonde scared and surprised. She had been so preoccupied explaining herself to Fin and trying to find excuses about why she could not date the other woman, that she had completely forgot said woman, was only a room away. Her voice, that she had kept low in the beginning, had risen and she had been so that she stopped listening to anything other than herself and her detective.
She wanted to tell Amanda that yes, she did like her and a lot at that. That she cared about her. But she didn't want to scare her away or worse, trigger her in any way. She had been through a lot in the past two weeks, she didn't want to drop another bomb on her.
"Um, why did you get out of the bedroom?" She wasn't answering her question, she knew it, but she needed time to figure out what strategy she should follow.
"Came to bring these." She slowly raised the tray in her hands, it was slightly heavy for her to carry so she needed to be careful unless she wanted to injure herself even more.
"Amanda!" The brunette scolded her and approached her, taking the tray off her hands and placing it on the kitchen counter. "You are not supposed to lift heavy things or walk around a lot. You are supposed to rest."
"Well, I was never the one to follow the rules. That's how I ended up like that, remember?" She hugged her middle, she was attempting to joke, lighten up the mood. Olivia was visibly upset, she didn't want to make things worse.
"You are avoiding my question." She eventually said. "Again." She added an eyebrow raised and Olivia couldn't help but chuckle.
"Let's sit on the couch, huh?" She preferred the bed truth be told, she wanted Amanda to be comfortably seated somewhere, but bed and the conversation they were about to have? Not a good idea.
"Sure." Amanda shrugged and let the other woman lead her towards the living room.
If she wanted a chance at getting some answers out of the brunette, she needed to do things her way.
"Okay, so... how much did you hear?" Olivia asked once they were seated, facing each other.
At least they were close. Amanda needed, wanted, to be close to her.
"From the part where you said that nothing can happen and then started blurting out excuses." She was smiling, a sweet a smile, genuine. She wasn't pretending, she felt it, all of it.
That's good.
"Yeah... I was talking to Fin, detective Tutuola, you've met him." Amanda nodded, prompting the Sergeant to continue. "Anyway, I told him you were here and he started asking questions..." she was holding back, she was reluctant.
"Liv..." It was a gentle push, and calling the other woman by her nickname, it was like she knew how much she couldn't resist to that.
"Okay..." She pressed her lips together and ran her fingertips over her mouth.
Why was this so hard? Since when was she afraid of talking about thing like that straightly?
"I like you. Both as a person, your character but also... romantically."
"Ok-"
"And I completely understand if this is a lot to take in and if you need some alone time. I can just go for a walk or at the precinct or-"
"Liv." Amanda interrupted her. "Shush." She watched as Olivia's eyes widened and it took everything she had in her not to laugh.
Nobody ever shushes Olivia Benson.
"Did you ju-" A finger on her lips stopped her from continuing that sentence. She played annoyed but she deep down she found that act quite endearing.
"Yes, I just shushed you. Am I allowed to have an opinion here?" Her index finger was still on the brunette's soft and plump lips. When she nodded Amanda took it away rested and her hands on her lap.
"I like you, too."
The admission came from between her lips softly, sweetly. The way her cheeks were stained with a crimson color, the way she was fidgeting with her knitted cardigan, even the way she was biting down on her lower lip, it all made her look so adorable and vulnerable. So innocent.
How could someone not like her. How could someone hurt such an angel-looking human?
"Come here." Olivia said in a whispering tone after a few minutes of silence, motioning the blonde with her hands to snuggle next to her.
Amanda didn't need to be told twice. Seconds later, she was safely tucked in Olivia's arms that were securely wrapped around her body. She had started this conversation boldly but when she had to open up about her own feelings she suddenly felt small.
Samantha was the first and last person to whom she had actually voiced how her heart was beating faster when she was around, how she felt butterflies in her stomach every time she would hear her laugh or giggle, how her smile just warmed her soul.
"You know, for someone who is comfortable singing and dancing in front of other people, you are really shy."
"I... I am not comfortable." For a second Olivia thought their close proximity was what Amanda referring to and was ready to move, when a shaky hand covered hers. "You keep me warm." She looked into brown orbs to reassure her that this was not too much, that she was okay.
"I meant I am not comfortable singing and dancing in front of other people. Strangers. Well, singing actually I can handle, and in the beginning the dancing was okay, too. But then the patrons started staring at me like I was prey and suddenly all that confidence vanished. No matter how hard I scrubbed myself in the shower the dirt wouldn't get off me."
Her head was tucked underneath Olivia's chin and the brunette was glad for that because she didn't want Amanda to see the tears that shimmered in her eyes. One of them had to be strong for the other and she wasn't going to let Amanda do that. She'd been strong for too long, she needed to let her guard down, eventually.
"When I lived with Jacob, the first year I started working at the burlesque, he would always ask what was taking me so long in the shower. The first few months I would just sing and dance and I think he actually enjoyed that part. But then, when I was quiet, it would irritate him. And then I finally found an apartment to live on my own and I would stay four hours in the shower till I was pruny and my skin was red and raw. And no one would ask questions."
Her look was distant, she was slowly zoning out and Olivia realized that by the way she stiffened and by the way she tacked her hands between her legs, cupping herself as if she was in pain.
"Hey, hey, Amanda, come back to me. You are safe, no one is here, just you and me and I am not gonna hurt you. Not now and not ever." She ran her hands soothingly up and down her arms, like she had done at the hospital, and Amanda immediately relaxed under her caring and loving touch.
It was soft, not hard. It was kind, not violent. It was unfamiliar and yet so very familiar.
"I know. I know." Amanda whispered, a sniffle following her words. She sounded like a little child, so scared, and it only increased Olivia's need to take care of her and protect her. "Sorry, I totally ruined the mood." She chuckled and ran the sleeve of her cardigan under her eyes and nose, wetting the material with her tears.
"Hey, you didn't ruin anything." She pulled away enough to look into Amanda's eyes and encouraged the blonde to do the same. "I am honored that you trust me enough to talk to me about the things you've been through. If you feel like saying something, anything, even if it's during the witching hour, I am here."
The broad smile on her face made her look so pretty. And the words that came out of those lips were so honest, came from a place so deep, that it made her heartbeat run a little faster. She couldn't get her eyes off her lips, she wanted to kiss her so much, but she remembered the last time she tried to be intimate with someone. And it was far from great.
She thought that Olivia was worth the try. She brought one hand up, unsure if it was the right thing to do, and caressed the other woman's cheek. She felt Olivia lean into her touch, closing her eyes briefly, enjoying the closeness, the safety.
"Liv?" Her voice was so low, she was surprised that the other woman heard her. Olivia opened her eyes, even though she didn't want to, and waited for the other woman to ask her whatever it is that she wanted to.
"Can I kiss you?"
Her heart stopped.
Amanda was asking permission to kiss her. One part of her was happy because no one had ever asked her that before and it made her feel, strangely, safe. But another part of her was in pain, because that other part of her knew that Amanda was asking because no one had ever asked for her permission.
People think that a spontaneous kiss was the greatest kiss but they were wrong. So incredibly wrong. Because when she nodded her consent, she knew what was coming next, yet when Amanda's lips touched hers, it was nothing like she had imagined. It was ten times better.
There was no tongue, there was no sucking or nibbling, her lower lip was just captured between Amanda's and even so, it still felt amazing. It held an innocence, a purity, that she didn't know her body craved.
Her body craved serenity.
She wanted to do more, kiss her, explore, but she didn't. She let the blonde set the pace and whatever that would be, she would follow.
When Amanda released her, she opened her eyes and saw her biting her lip.
That habit needs to be stopped.
"I am sorry." She finally said and that's when confusion kicked in.
Why on earth was she apologizing? She hadn't done anything wrong, she had asked for permission, she was sweet and-
"Amanda, honey, no. Do not apologize for that. Not to me or anyone for that matter. If you want us to take things slow, if that's what you think is best for you, then that's what we are gonna do. There is no pressure. You take all the time in the world, I am here."
"Damn you, woman." She let out a breathy chuckle. "Anyone ever told you that you are amazing?"
"Yeah but, you know, I kinda like to hear it so..." Amanda laughed at that and pecked her lips.
When she saw the surprised look on Olivia's face for a second she thought that she should have asked again, that she had violated her. She was ready to apologize but the other woman's index finger stopped her.
And the tables were turned.
"Shush. You don't have to ask for permission every time you want to kiss me. You can kiss me whenever you want, and I promise you, you'll never hear me complain."
Smartass, she wanted to say to her but she chose to not say anything and enjoy this moment of calmness that she had been looking for, for Lord knows how long.
"Can you take your finger away now, please?" She managed to say with her lips only millimeters apart.
"Sorry." Olivia said while withdrawing her hand.
"S'alright."
"Can I ask you something?" Olivia finally broke the silence between them.
"Sure you can."
"When was the last time you..." She paused and searched into those oceans of blue for any signs of uncertainty. "You were intimate with someone." She was afraid that maybe it was too soon to ask such a question, afraid that the blonde would shut down again and she desperately hoped she wouldn't.
She was willing to pray to a God she wasn't sure she believed in if it meant keeping that woman close to her.
"What kind of intimate are we talking about?"
She tried to hold the sigh of relief that threatened to make an appearance when she realized that the blonde was actually on board with having this conversation.
"Any kind. From a simple kiss to..." Come on Benson you are an SVU Sergeant for crying out loud. "To sex."
"Then the answer would be..." she did a few quick math in her mind before she answered. "Eight years."
"Since you were twenty years old then?"
"Yes. And even then it was just making out, until she touched the... the upper area of my body and... and images of... of him appeared in the front of my mind and I pushed her away."
"Were you two in a relationship?"
She was prying. She shouldn't be, she knew that she was pushing her luck but she needed to know. If she wanted this to work out she needed to know everything.
"She was a saxophonist at Juilliard, we went on a couple of dates and one night she invited me up to her apartment. I hadn't tried anything after... after Jim. With anyone. I thought that it was okay, and it was. Until..."
"Until it wasn't." Olivia finished the sentence for her.
"Yeah... and ever since that I was just too scared to try anything." She was crying again.
She wasn't used to crying in front of other people and yet in the past week she had done it more than she would have liked. But there was something different about the tears rolling down her face this time; they held no shame.
"And I want you to know that this is totally normal and completely understandable. Especially after..." After you were raped? Twice? And were ignored and evicted? "After the recent events."
"You can say the words, you know. Despite what people think, I won't break. I can't."
Olivia wanted to ask what the other woman meant by that sentence but she didn't get the chance. A phone started vibrating on the table and out of habit she reached to pick it up but it wasn't her phone that started ringing this time.
"Could you grab it for me please?" Amanda asked and Olivia took the device in her hands and handed it to the other woman.
"Hi, Lorenzo." She answered. "What's goin' down? Wife and kids? Glad to hear that!" She paused for a second, only making humming noises.
Who the hell is Lorenzo?
"Thank you, dear, I am... managing." She rolled her eyes, causing the other woman to chuckle. "Yes, Lorenzo, I will keep that in mind. So, she is ready? When can I come and pick her up? No there's no nee-" Whoever Lorenzo was he clearly didn't seem to take no for an answer. "Fine, yeah, I'll text you the address. Bye."
She sighed heavily and let her phone fall on her lap.
"What is it?"
"That was Lorenzo. He called me to tell me that Kimberly is all fixed up and ready for delivery. Would it be okay if I gave him your address? He insisted I don't go pick her up, he heard what happened and he doesn't want to tire me."
Okay, Lorenzo sounds like a straight up guy.
"I have so many questions."
"Of course." She didn't stop to think that Olivia had no idea what she was referring to. She hadn't talked to anyone about her except for Jacob. "Ask away."
"Who is Lorenzo? Who is Kimberly? And why did she need fixing?"
"Kimberly is my guitar, Lorenzo is my guitar luthier and a few strings broke so I gave it to him a couple of weeks ago to replace them."
"You play the guitar?" That was one thing that had never come up in any of their conversations so far and having not seen anything between her belongings that would indicate she played some kind of instrument, it didn't cross her mind.
"Aren't I full of surprises?"
"You are."
"Anyway, do I text him the address or should I just pick her up when I feel a little better. He wouldn't mind keeping her around, he kinda loves her."
"Go ahead." She watched as the other woman typed on the screen of her phone. She had so many more questions.
"Kimberly is or was my sister's name. That's the name she was baptized with, Kim and Kimmie were for short." Amanda said as if she had read Olivia's mind.
Mind reader? How many more hidden talents?
"Was?" She had heard about the brave little Kimmie who saved Amanda's life at the age of fourteen. She didn't know the girl but she would be eternally grateful to her. And the thought of Amanda having to deal with more loss was something she would rather not be true.
"That... I am not ready to tell you that story. Maybe some other time?" She looked up again, her eyes were puffy and red, her cheeks were still stained with tears.
"Whenever you are ready."
She had had a lot for one day. They had plenty of days ahead of them to discuss this further.
Or maybe not.
Life can get tricky sometimes.
A/N: I would like to add one more thing: DUN DUN. Feel free to hate me! Till the next chapter have a nice day or night!
