A/N: I hope you are still with me on this one! It's been an exhausting couple of weeks and I honestly have been so overwhelmed, I barely have the energy to get out of bed. I am back though, just Got vaccinated for covid today and couldn't be any happier.

Now on to the chapter, enjoy!

"Um, so yeah, that's why I came. Anyway, it was really good to see you again. I... if... well... you know we could have coffee some day if you are not busy?"

He was four years younger than she was, a cute guy with ginger hair and brown eyes. He was attractive, any girl would want him, he is sweet and polite, a little awkward but that just makes him extremely cute. But she was out his league. And so off base.

"Actually, Chris, I am currently looking for a new apartment and a new job... so things aren't exactly... quiet. But, hey, thanks for the offer." She chuckled and took the instrument from his hands, that were slightly shaking.

Poor thing, he was so head over heels in love with her that he was nervous to ask her out even for something as simple as coffee. She wanted to tell him that she didn't swing that way but she didn't have it in her heart to burst his little bubble. She knew that she would have to do it at some point but it could wait.

He said goodbye, smiling nervously at her and walking away. She closed the door behind her laughing at this entire encounter and how extremely uncomfortable it had felt.

She crossed the small hall that led to the living room and looked at Liv who seemed distracted by something on her phone.

"Liv, do you have a place for her?" She raised the guitar in her hand and getting the brunette's attention.

She knew that by referring to the musical instrument as a she, or her, she was humanizing the object but sometimes, when no one else was around, she needed a friend. And she found it in those strings, in that wooden surface, in the sound it made every time she'd let her fingers wander on her.

Her one true friend. The one who never betrayed her.

"Come on she must be heavy. Let me ca-"

"No. Touching. Kimberly." She was only half-joking as she took a step back and put a hand over the guitar, protecting her as if someone would hurt her.

The last person who touched her guitar broke it into pieces. She remembers that day, it left scars on her soul. More scars.

Of course she trusted Olivia, there was no questioning that, the sergeant had proven herself worthy of it. But this wooden object, meaningless to many, was the only hope she had left.

"Okay?" She didn't know where this overprotectiveness was coming from and she didn't dare ask. If she had learnt something about Amanda during the past few days, was that, eventually, she would open up to her on her own.

"Sorry, it's just... Kimberly is the only thing I have left in this life... she reminds me of home. Not that I want to remember but... there were good things too." She put the guitar up against the wall and walked to the couch, sitting down next to Olivia.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Just know that I am here." Amanda smiled at her sheepishly and the brunette knew that she had to learn how to work with that and that only for the time being.

Amanda was closed off, that much she had understood. All the people that came and went in her life had betrayed her trust one way or another. It was the next logical step for her to shut down and put up all these walls. For Olivia it was a huge step enough that Amanda had let her kiss her. Trusted her enough with that part of herself after being brutally assaulted and raped.

It took rape victims, survivors, up to years to get back to their normal activities. They were afraid to look other men in the eyes, be with other men. Every night they would be haunted by his, or her, face, it was hell. But with the proper help and the right support system they always managed to pull through and thrive.

Amanda didn't seem to believe so.

Every day was a challenge ever since Ramsey first raped her. Everything hurt. Waking up, getting up, moving around, thinking, talking. All those things that once appeared to be so normal and granted, now were the hardest tasks she had to do.

And even so, none of them compared to the nights. Those were the worst.

During the night she would see his face again, both their faces. Sometimes it would be Ramsey raping her all over again in her dressing room and other times she was a fragile little girl again, with her father on top of her pushing himself inside of her and she would just sit there helpless.

But that, she was used to.

What she wasn't used to was having both of them in one dream. Ramsey would be on top of her and her dad would just stay in the corner cheering him on.

So after all those restless nights, no. Thriving didn't seem like a possible plan.

"Li-"

She wanted to tell her that maybe this was a bad idea. That maybe she is too messed up right now and that Olivia deserved so much more, so much better. But the phone rang, not hers this time, interrupting her. Well, that talk was gonna have to wait.

"Sorry, I gotta answer this, it's detective Tutuola." Amanda nodded her approval, not that Olivia needed to ask for permission in order to pick up the phone but if she felt like that's what she needed to do, Amanda would let her.

"Just feel whatever it is that you need to feel."

She didn't know why this memory popped up in mind but she held on to it as if it were an anchor. The person who had said this to her was someone who she had come to love with all her heart and would always love no matter what. And this memory came back to her the time she needed it the most.

"Okay, so I need to go by the precinct." Liv said from behind her, snapping her out of her thoughts. "We caught a case and things are getting a little out of hand. Do you think you will be good for a few hours on your own?"

She didn't want to leave her there all alone. She didn't mind leaving her alone in the apartment she minded leaving her alone period. She was injured, emotionally unstable and Olivia wanted more than anything to be there for her. Especially now that her feelings towards her were out in the open and reciprocated.

"Yeah, sure. I might take a shower, scratch the guitar a little. I hope your neighbors are patient." She attempted to joke because seeing the frown between Olivia's eyebrows made her feel guilty for putting her through all this trouble. "Olivia, go. Someone needs you more than I do right now. We'll have time to talk." She gave her an encouraging smile and watched her as she sighed and disappeared into the hallway.

The guilt on her face as she walked away, the sadness and worry in her features made Amanda's insides turn. Ever since she had met Olivia she felt this weird flatter in her stomach whenever she would think of her. Her smile, her soft and caring voice, everything about her causes the butterflies in her stomach to come alive.

She believed that she didn't stand a chance with the sergeant because, well... she was a sergeant. A well-respected woman in a position of authority and what was she? A dancer at a burlesque who distributed her body for money.

She wasn't far different from a stripper or even a prostitute. Even if Olivia liked her it would probably pass quickly as it always did. Amanda wouldn't be able to satisfy her and the brunette wouldn't be able to handle that. Not that she blamed her, why would she?

"Okay, so I gotta go." Olivia said from behind her snapping her out of her quite disturbing thoughts yet again.

As she slowly turned around she saw Olivia, dressed formally for work, hair up in a ponytail and make up on, just enough to cover last night's exhaustion.

How long was I zoned out for?

"If you need anything you have my phone number, call me. Feel free to use the shower, towels are in the closet, second drawer." She sighed and scratched the back of her head trying to remember whatever it was that she was forgetting. "Oh, if I am late, which is very much likely, order take out, pizza or Chinese, whatever you like. There is cash in-"

"Liv, I can pay for food, I am not homeless. I have money and I have been taking care of myself since I was eight years old. Relax, I will be fine."

She wouldn't be fine.

But that was better left unsaid. She had worried Olivia enough already.

"Okay, okay." The brunette took a deep breath and went to stand in front of the seated Amanda in the couch.

"Just please promise me that you'll call if you need anything?" He voice was pleading, her eyes were pleading.

Amanda was cornered.

"Yes, I promise. Go, Liv." She chuckled and as Olivia leaned in for a quick peck on the lips she found herself turning her head. Olivia's lips landed on her cheek and, albeit confused by the move, she tried not to read much into it.

They both tried.

To Olivia, the blonde had a couple of really rough weeks, the past few days had been full of disclosures and the blonde had found herself in some impossible situations. She thought that maybe Amanda needed sometime to process everything. It was clearly overwhelming her and she was being understanding of it.

Cause, damn, she knew how much processing everything required first hand.

To Amanda, she was trying not to get more attached than she already was. She would have to stay the weekend in Olivia's place as she had promised her but in this short period of time she was planning on putting a stop to something that had barely even started.

"Bye, honey."

"Bye."

She waited until Olivia was out the door to let out the breath she was holding and allow the tears to fall.

She hadn't planned for any of this to happen but it did, and now she needed to find a way to fix everything. Even if it meant giving the cold shoulder to someone who she had come to care deeply about, despite knowing her only for two weeks.

This woman had something.

Something she couldn't quite put her finger on but she felt drawn to her. When they kissed this morning it felt different, better than any other kiss she had given in her life. It reminded her of the way it felt while kissing Samantha before all hell broke loose and everything just went south.

Talk about irony.

If only Sammie were able to see her right now.

She would probably tell her to wipe those tears away, stand up and be brave about it. Or that's what Amanda hoped, because the alternative was scary. The alternative was a big weakness that she thought she wasn't allowed to show.

"Just feel whatever it is that you need to feel."

That was scarier. That took her back to a place that she kept trying to forget but it refused to let go of her.

It was the day after the first time her father had raped her. She could barely sit properly, or stand. She could barely move. Her body was aching, her soul was aching. All she could feel was pain.

Her father had told her, and I quote:

"You break up with that cunt otherwise you are screwed, you hear me?"

She tried to use the excuse that it was just a phase that it would pass even if deep down in her gut she knew it was anything but a phase. It was who she was and it took her quite sometime to accept it. But Jim was taking none of that. He may were a drunk gambler but he was a smart guy.

So the next day she sat in the cafeteria alone, away from Samantha or anyone else.

She could here them, the whispers. The kids weren't being discreet about it. When she grew tired of the stares she got, she headed to her locker to grab the next period's books and then she found a note.

Library.

She knew the handwriting all to well and she went to the library that, as always, was empty. Except this time, in the isle with all the Shakespeare novels, there was her.

"Samantha." The desperation in her voice as she wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her caused Sammie's heart to break.

"Manda, are you okay? You have been avoiding me all day, what happened?"

They had managed to keep their secret from Amanda's parents for about a week before it reached Jim's ears.

"My dad knows, Sammie." She mumbled, her face buried in the crook of the brunette girl's neck.

"Oh, no. How did he take it?"

She knew all about the infamous Jim Rollins and his anger issues. That's why she had respected Amanda's wishes when she had told her that she didn't want people to know about them.

"He hurt me, Samantha." She wanted to cry but she did everything in her power to keep it together. Falling apart didn't feel like an option at that moment.

"Amanda did he hit you?" She held her at arms length, trying to look into her eyes as if the answer she needed would be hidden in those two oceans.

"Worse."

And that's all she needed to know to understand.

She had heard about it but didn't believe that people actually were capable of causing such hurt. And all that for what? To change someone because their beliefs didn't match yours?

The cruelty of human race.

"Sammie he said that if we keep seeing each other-" she took a deep breath because releasing the sob that was stuck in her throat would be a terrible mistake.

She couldn't break. Not anymore than she already had.

"Okay, it's okay." She took her in her arms and held her tightly. "Then we just... we won't keep seeing each other."

"Sammie no-"

"Amanda, I love you."

It was the first time Sammie had said those words to her. Amanda had told her when they made love for the first time a week ago, but never heard it back.

And now there it was.

"I don't want you to suffer because of me."

"Sammie-"

"Look, we have about fifteen more minutes together and then we part ways. How about we take advantage of it?"

She felt her nod against her chest and she lowered them to the floor. She grabbed a book from one of the shelves, a random one, never letting go of her.

"Just feel whatever it is that you need to feel, my love. I am right here. And I will always be here." She put her hand on the blonde's chest and kept it there while the petite girl cried and sobbed as if that were her last day on earth.

And maybe it was.

After that she disconnected from the world for a while. She kept throwing tantrums at home, yelling at her parents that she was a lesbian and there was nothing they could do about it. And then her dad would climb on top of her at night to show her that there was something he could do to fix it.

She got numb after a while. Numbness kept her sane.

And the rest is history. She never liked history and yet here she was, making history do herself. Really bad history.

Talk about irony.

But she still tried not to focus on the bad things as much.

She had memorized the good dates. The date she and Samantha has made things official, their first date, their first kiss, the first and only time they had been intimate with each other.

She didn't entirely hate that history.

So, for the sake of Sammie she felt. She felt it all and she cried until there were no tears left.

xxxxxxxxxx

By the time she was done from work it was already dark outside. She felt so bad for leaving Amanda on her own for so many hours and she felt even worse that she was coming back with no good news.

When she reached the apartment door and was ready to unlock it she heard some noise from inside. And oh, what a beautiful noise it was.

We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to

I go back to us

The wonderful voice was accompanied by the sound of a guitar and Olivia smiled to herself. If her neighbors were mad at such a great voice then they were the ones with the problem.

She walked in and everything instantly went quiet.

"Why did you stop? It was amazing. Kind of depressing, but amazing nonetheless." She walked to the couch after shrugging off her coat and sat next to an amused Amanda holding Kimberly in her arms.

"I was that loud? I am sorry I didn't-"

"I didn't say it was a bad thing. You sounded incredible." She was smiling in adoration because yes, Amanda Rollins was incredible. No matter what everyone else had made her believe.

"Amanda there's something I need to talk to you about."

And yet she had to crash her once again.

"Oh." She slowly put down the guitar and turned her body to face the brunette's.

This was gonna be bad.

"Remember how we said that if everything went okay, the trial would be in four months from now?" When Amanda nodded Olivia proceeded. "Well, there has been a change."

She was delaying the inevitable and Amanda hated it when people did that. The truth would come out eventually so you might as well rip the bandaid quickly and painlessly.

"Just spit it out, Liv."

"Trial will start in ten days." Olivia blurted out, finally.

Her eyes widened. She hoped she had heard wrong. But she knew she hadn't.

Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing. Just keep- Shit. I can't.

A/N: TBC