A/N: After a long hiatus I am back! Things have been insane lately and I just couldn't find my inspiration to write. Major writer's block. But I am back and I am stronger than ever.
Unfortunately this story won't be as long as I originally planned for it to be but it's gonna have a satisfying ending. I will try and post regularly from now and on.
Now, on to the chapter, enjoy!
"Trial will start in ten days."
Her eyes widened. She hoped she had heard wrong. She knew she hadn't.
Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing. Just keep- Shit. I can't.
It's been nine days.
Nine days of complete radio silence from Amanda.
She can only assume that the blonde is alright by whatever information Barba would give her. He only knew as much from the few hours per day that he would meet her for prepping.
The times she just wanted to follow him to the courthouse to see her and the times Rafael had to remind her of the blonde's wishes.
"She doesn't want you there, Liv. She cares about the sake of this case and frankly so should you."
Every time he would shut her down it felt like one more piece broke free from the puzzle that was her heart. Now as she was seated behind her desk, staring at the circled with red marker date, all the events that took place nine days earlier at her apartment came back to her as if it had happened yesterday.
"Trial starts in ten days."
The words are out of her mouth and she knows that Amanda has heard her because her face lost all its color, her eyes got filled with terror and she was now completely still. Like a statue in a museum, the only difference between the two a beating heart inside Amanda's chest.
For how long would it stay beating? How much more can this heart of hers take?
Because she was barely breathing, her usually pale complexion had given its way into a slight blue. This couldn't be good.
"Okay, Amanda honey I need you to breathe for me. Can you do that?" She puts her hand on both her shoulders an action that seems to awaken all kinds of painful memories for the younger woman.
"Don't touch me!" She screams and scoots back in the far end of the couch.
At least she is breathing now.
That's her only thought and her only wish. That the blonde, a woman who she had come to really like, would stay living. That she would keep breathing.
"Okay, okay I won't touch. I just wanna know if you are okay."
Is she? She doesn't know.
She blinks a few times, her blurry vision becoming clearer and clearer by each blink and the person who she thought was one of the people who had hurt her, was eventually Liv.
"S-Sorry." She stuttered and moved towards the brunette again. "Just-" She takes a deep breath, holds it and releases it. She does it a couple of more times just to make sure that she won't have another episode.
"What happened?"
That's better than nothing.
"I don't know the specifics, ADA Barba just told me that there have been a few changes, apparently something happened with the judge? And that the trial had to be moved."
She nods. Nothing else just a nod. What's more there to do anyway?
"Barba would like to talk to you, arrange hours to prepare your testimony. I gave him your number he said he'll call you as soon as he can."
Another nod. She wonders if she should be worried, if maybe she should broach the subject of therapy but Amanda stands up interrupting her trail of thought.
"Imma go take a shower. Thanks for telling me."
And just like that the blonde walked away and towards the bathroom as if this conversation had changed absolutely nothing.
Olivia thought at the time that it was just the blonde's way of relaxing and processing the news. And given the events that followed the morning after she may have processed the information a little too much.
The next day Olivia had woken up to complete silence. The blonde had only been with her for a day and yet she had managed to get used to her scent, her shuffling with the blankets in her sleep, even her, experiencing a nightmare in the middle of the night, she was prepared for the possibility of experiencing all those small things more often.
She did remember going to bed early, leaving Amanda in the living room talking to Barba on the phone. The blonde said she would be there in a few minutes but Olivia was so tired she fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow and didn't wait for Amanda.
She got up the next morning and started walking towards the living room. The place was empty of suitcases and backpacks and duffel bags. Her first instinct was to get back inside the master bedroom, grab her cell and call her. All that until she noticed a piece of paper on the coffee table, under a steaming mug of coffee.
It was the same letter she was holding in her hands now, reading it over and over again. She had memorized all the words by now.
Hey Liv,
Sorry to leave this way but I didn't have it in my heart to say what I am about to, face to face.
After you left the room me and ADA Barba talked for a long while. He asked me about the current living situation and I told him the truth (not the one that involves feelings, I left that part out) and he mentioned something about it looking bad in court.
I have watched too many TV shows to know what conflict of interest or bias is, and what we started was definitely that.
I like you, Olivia, more than I care to admit but it was never gonna work. You are an NYPD Sergeant for crying out loud and what am I? A performer, and a broken one at that.
I am broken, Olivia. And I cannot expect from you to put my pieces back together. That's not your job. You need something less complicated in your life and I am anything but.
You are a good woman, Sergeant. I wish we had met under different circumstances 'cause then who knows? Maybe this could have been a little something wonderful.
Yours faithfully, Amanda
This must have been the billionth time she's read it.
Every time she does, she can hear her giggle ("I left that part out" ), the sadness in her voice as she belittles herself ( "a performer, and a broken one at that." ). She can practically see the way her eyes would glimmer had she uttered those words ( "maybe this could have been a little something wonderful." ).
She would have told her that this still can be something wonderful but she had learnt about boundaries at a young age.
She called. Just to make sure that she was okay. She still didn't have an apartment to stay in, she still was on medication for her fractured bones. But every single time she called, it sent her straight to voicemail. She left messages, tones of them, but never got an answer back.
Tomorrow, she thought.
Because tomorrow was the trial. The blonde may not be the first on Barba's witness list, but how could she miss her own trial?
She wouldn't. She seemed too determined to put this bastard behind bars sooner rather than later, she wouldn't give up.
She shouldn't.
Because, contrary to popular belief, Ramsey would go away for a long time. Barba had quite a few tricks up his sleeve. Or so he told Olivia, because for the first time she was going in blind. Except for her own testimony she had no idea how things were going to play out.
She put the letter back in her desk's drawer before locking it. She sighed. She needed to be up early for the trial tomorrow and it's already close to midnight. Her bed was waiting for her. Sleep, if it were to come, is the only thing that could help bring some clarity.
She grabbed her coat from the back of the chair and turned off her computer, ready to finally head out and prepare herself mentally for the long day tomorrow was meant to be.
But life had other plans.
Just as she was about to leave her office, the phone rang, stopping her dead in her tracks.
Really? There better be a good reason.
"Sergeant Benson, SVU." She said into the mouth piece as she picked up the phone, slightly irritated that someone interrupted her night of rest and clearing her mind of all the disturbing thoughts.
The conversation with the woman in the other end of the line was brief as she gave her the basic information she needed at that moment. Dead body, Central Park, appeared to have been raped. Nothing that she hadn't heard before to her misfortune.
She hang up the phone after assuring the, seemingly young, officer that she'd get there as soon as possible.
And just like that, her plans for the night went down the drain.
xxxxxxxxxx
"Melinda, I have court. What is it that couldn't wait?" The annoyance in her voice took medical examiner Melinda Warner, aback.
It was only last night that the two women met under some not so great circumstances. Turns out, according to the ME, that the dead young woman found in Central Park last night had indeed been raped and strangled to death. Blonde, around mid twenties, with a ton of needle marks all over her body.
So young.
That was her first thought as she crouched down next to the lifeless body of the unknown girl. Because her face looked exactly like that of a teenage girl. If it weren't for the way she was dressed- a short, red, vinyl skirt that barely covered anything, a white tank top a leather jacket and high heeled boots- she would have thought that maybe someone had indeed lost their child.
Or whatever was left of it.
Because with this amount of drugs in your system, you are certainly not the same as you were.
She specifically told the ME to give her a call if it was an emergency.
And the African-American woman did call.
What bothered Olivia wasn't the call by itself but the fact that it happened right before she walked into the courthouse. And what seemed to have bothered her even more, was that Melinda wanted her to go by the morgue.
"Well, I am sorry but this couldn't wait." They were standing over a morgue table, the ME pulling down the blue sheet that covered the dead body.
"What is it, then." She sighed and stared down at the body.
She didn't mean to be disrespectful, she didn't mean to sound so uncaring because she wasn't. She cared, more than she could ever put into words but then there was Amanda, and the trial that would start any second now. She uncrossed her arms, she let her features soften and she patiently waited to hear whatever her friend had to tell her.
"I found three different semen samples inside of her." When she saw the question ready to fly out of the sergeant's mouth she held up her hand. "I know, this is not an emergency but I haven't gotten to that part yet."
"Mel-"
She didn't get to finish her sentence before the ME gestured for Olivia to follow her. Liv stared down at the dead woman's belongings that were placed on top of a tray. Again, she patiently waited.
"For starters, one of the samples is a paternal match from someone in the system. I pulled up the file, John Cazinksi, known mobster, he is in for smuggling drugs and dealing, several murders. Now, what struck odd to me, was that, according to my autopsy, this girl had been clean for a few months, Liv."
"And?"
Melinda couldn't help but roll her eyes. "The same sample was also found in two other cases but no one ever followed through. All young women, addicts, also prostitutes, but I didn't find any signs of vaginal scaring or other signs that would indicate prostitution in this case."
Please tell me you are joking.
"What do you mean 'no one followed through'?" If it were an SVU case, chances were the rapist would already be up for trial. Something wasn't adding up.
"That's you area of expertise, Sergeant."
Very helpful, thanks.
The doctor shouldn't be the one she was angry at. She should be angry at anyone but Melinda. Everything was foggy in her mind, the lines blurred, her emotions so conflicted. She didn't know how to feel.
"So, let me get this straight, what you are saying is that we have a serial rapist in our hands. And not only that, but he is also the son of one of the most known mobsters in the history of mafia?"
"Exactly, just when I started to think that something was wrong with your detective skills."
Not the time, Melinda. So not the time.
"Okay, okay this turned into a high profile case too fast too soon." She ran her hand over her face and exhaled sharply. "What about the other samples? Any of them in the system?"
"No, I am sorry." And just when she thought that maybe things would get easier for her, here came Melinda Warner to bulldoze her hopes.
"Okay, I will call Fin, have him and Carisi pay a visit at Mr. Cazinski and hopefully we get ahold of his son."
She didn't need this on her plate right now. What she needed to do was go to court, see Amanda, ask her how she was feeling, how she was dealing with everything but she didn't have a choice.
Amanda needed her but this girl needed her too.
"I gotta go, I am supposed to be testifying in an hour. Thank you, Melinda. And I am sorry for the way I acted it's just-"
"It's been a long week?" The black woman smiled kindly at the obviously tired sergeant before her.
The exhaustion was on her face, her body, the way she spoke. She hadn't seen her like that since her old partner's sudden departure. And from experience, it took a lot for Olivia Benson to lose her patience and her courage in such level.
"Yeah." She whispered under her breath.
It's been such a damn long week.
"Oh, I almost forgot."
What else? For real, how many more bad news do you think I can handle, Melinda? How many?
"I found something in her jacket."
She raised an evidence bag with an old picture in it. In this picture there were two blonde little girls. They couldn't be more than ten, either of them. Blonde with pigtails, smiling so brightly that it could light up the world. The girl on the right seemed like a young version of the woman on the medical examiner's table, and it had similar features with the other girl in the picture though the latter seemed a bit older. Three, maybe four years.
Wait. Blonde, older sister, drugs- No. No this can't be happening, can it?
When she finally made it to the courthouse about thirty minutes later she was out of breath, as if she had been running for days when she had only driven there.
She couldn't remember when she parked her car, when she locked it, if she locked it.
She couldn't remember when she climbed up the stares or when she got into the elevator.
She couldn't remember how she got to the floor where part 42 was currently taking place but she did.
And never in her life had she wanted more to bolt.
She took a deep breath, a desperate attempt to compose herself, right before she pushed the doors of the courtroom open. A few eyes turned to look at her and she searched for the one pair she was the most interested in.
And there they were. Her pair of blues.
They locked eyes for a few moments, Olivia taking in how much different Amanda looked and the blonde just a little relieved that the sergeant had come. Because for a hot minute she had let herself believe that it was all in her head and that maybe Olivia didn't care as much.
She walked across the small corridor and sat next to the blonde who scooted a bit to the right to make room for her.
"Hi." Olivia whispered.
She had missed her. She didn't know why or how this had happened but at some point during those ten days her feelings had deepened. God, she didn't intend for them to but, they did. And now here she was, having to deliver what were probably the worst news for this already fragile woman.
"Hello." It came out so shyly that Olivia wanted to laugh.
This shy woman, this amazing, caring, loving and so incredibly talented woman, had such little confidence in her. That after everything, she still maintained a part of her innocence. An innocence that was taken so abruptly away from her.
She couldn't help but notice how the bruises on her neck and face now were able to be covered fully with make up, they were slowly fading away. How sitting seemed quite the easy task now. She couldn't help but notice how much can change in just the span of ten days.
And how much will change in the span of ten seconds if her fears are confirmed.
"No more questions your honor." Said the defense attorney John Buchanan as he sat down next to Steve Ramsey, his client.
"You may step down, Sergeant Benson." Olivia smiled kindly at judge Barth and stepped down from the witness stand. "Let's take twenty minutes for lunch."
Finally. Olivia thought as she walked up to Barba and Amanda that were walking towards the exit side by side.
"Amanda." The name came out of her lips so softly. And when the blonde, whose eyes were filled with hope today as she saw how things played out during trial, turned around, she wanted the earth to swallow her whole.
She hated the fact that she would be the one to crush this hope.
"Can I talk to you? It's important." Barba furrowed his brows in confusion. "Barba you, too, actually."
They sat on a bench right outside and Olivia took her phone out of her handbag. She started explaining how they got there in the first place, about the woman that was found dead, she explained why she was late for court today. She dreaded the last part. She dreaded it so, so much.
"Um, is it okay that I still don't understand how this is relevant to me?"
I wish you didn't have to find out, honey. I really do.
"We found a picture, inside this girl's jacket. And this, I, may be completely off base but I want you to tell me if this picture looks familiar to you." She turned the screen so Amanda could take a better look of the picture.
"I don't understand, why-" And as she grabbed the phone from the brunette's hand, only then did Olivia see how much her hands were trembling. How her mouth was slightly agape, how her eyes now were full of disbelief and tears.
"Honey, is this Kim?" She asked as she put her hand on one the blonde's shaking shoulders.
A pair of ocean blue eyes looked up at her and the tears silently rolling down Amanda's pale face was the only answer she needed.
A/N: I told you I came back stronger than ever ;)
