"You guys are gonna love Mr. Boomhauer, he speaks Japanese," Luanne excitedly exclaimed. Fred and Daphne followed behind her, oblivious to her mindless babbling. Their raincoats did little against the ungodly amount of rain berating them; the most they could do was walk quicker.
Huh, rain feels different when you're deaf, pondered Daphne, noticing the strange vibrations that echoed through her body with each drop, I bet I could count how many drops hit me. One, twenty-two, forty-seven, ooh they're fast, a hundred and six…. Fred also spent the walk in his head, but instead of counting raindrops, he meticulously blueprinted modifications for the Mystery Machine.
Every time I try to protect her, I fail, repeated in his head, a maddening engine driving his need to improve. More guns? We already have enough firepower to take down an army. More armor? Any thicker a shell and the aerodynamics would be thrown off. I'd need to find a more efficient material than reinforced adamantium. Right, then it's decided. I'll discover a material better than reinforced adamantium, and if it doesn't exist, I'll make one. I'll protect her. I'll put every ounce of my being into it, Fred thought to himself, he glanced at Daphne.
"We're almost there, and… we're there!" Luanne said, motioning to the house just ahead. In the yard, a small, orange tent sat with a sign hanging over it: Boomhauer's Haunted House. In the driveway, a blond man sat cooly against a scarlet 1969 Dodge Corvette, talking to three teenagers. Parked behind them, a gorgeous green 2009 Dodge Challenger with two black stripes lining the middle. One wore a green jacket with a white strip. Another taller and more chiseled boy wore a black tee with a long sleeve undershirt. The third was a redheaded girl with a red v-neck, a white undershirt, and a blue skirt.
Six-thousand seven-hundred and- hey… a strange glow caught Daphne's eye, causing her to lose count. She noticed a warm pink glow completely enveloping the girl. Luanne led them over.
"You sure it's targeting your neighbor?" The boy in the green jacket asked bluntly. There was an air of familiarity about them that Daphne couldn't quite put her finger on. She'd seen them before. The girl looked back at Daphne oddly. She held a purse full of books, one of which also looked familiar to Daphne. It had a skull on it, similar to the one that she had watched burn with the rest of the gang a few years back. – the book that Ben Ravencroft wanted to use to clear his ancestor's name, and the same book that summoned a witch. Of course, Daphne knew something about that book that the others didn't. That book wasn't destroyed. After the burning branch fell on it, everyone had assumed it was destroyed. That wasn't the case. Daphne went back to the scene shortly after on a hunch. She found the book sitting in a pile of ashes, perfectly preserved as if it hadn't aged a day. She took it with her, keeping it locked in her safe in the Mystery Machine. She figured it would be better not to tell the rest of the gang. They all loved mystery, one of them was bound to meddle around and open the book, unleashing God knows what. Velma had her doubts about the whole thing, she'd try casting a death spell on Fred just to prove that magic isn't real.
"God dang 'ol yeah man. Hank's a dadgum tough cookie man, tell you what. Talkin' best o' class man," the blonde man suavely said. The boy in green nodded.
"Hi, Mr. Boomhauer. I hope we aren't interrupting anything important. I was wondering if I could take my friends through your haunted house?" Launne politely asked. The boy in the black tee slowly looked her up and down. The redheaded girl noticed this and aggressively jabbed him in the liver.
"Ow, what was that for?" He cried, shriveling in pain.
"Looks like you have company so we'll get out of your hair. You can contact our Plumber's badges if you find any more information," the boy in green said, grabbing a smoothie from the hood of the green car, "common guys, those smoothies won't drink themselves."
"Dang ol' appreciate it, Ben," Boomhaur said, waving them goodbye.
Of course, I remember now. They were at the 7/11, in front of me in line, Daphne realized as they got into their car, I wonder if they noticed the cashier acting all weird. That encounter had vividly replayde in her head many times. The chant was still clear in her mind. She resumed counting raindrops to an exquisite accuracy.
"Dadgum woah- ay Luanne tell me what man, I'm talkin' 'bout how old's purple lookin' man? Dang ol' know I'm sayin', man?" Boomhuaer asked, punctuating with a chuckle.
"I'm sorry Mr. Boomhaur, I still don't know Japanese," Luanne replied, rubbing her head in confusion, "I'll just take that as a yes, thank you Mr. Boomhauer," she yelled, hugging him and running into the tent with Daphne and Fred.
"God dang any ol' time Luanne," Boomhauer smoothly replied with finger guns.
The group made their way through the tent and out the other end. In unison they put their hoods on to shield from the relentless rain.
"Wow, mister Boomhauer, you've got the best tent on the street," Luanne complimented. Daphne and Fred were both laughing from the enjoyment they had in the tent.
"Dadgum thanks yo," Boomhauer responded with a smile. His eyes fell on Fred with a keen interest. "Tell you what, man, we talkin' 'bout dadgum straight Hippies Incorporated?"
"That's right, mister Boomhauer, this is Mystery Incorporated. Well, at least some of them. Let's see, one… two… two of them!"
"Yo man y'all ever tango wit' dang ol' extra goddanged terrestrials man? Talkin' space cowboy," Boomhauer attempted asking Fred, who stared back blankly. Fred snapped out of his daydreams, noticing Boomhauer was trying to talk to him.
"I AM DEAF. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING," Fred replied at a deafening volume that could compete with the thundering rain.
Daphne could understand him though. She'd caught on to reading lips quickly. More than that, even though she couldn't hear them, she could feel the words people spoke. Every sound was so crisp to her. It didn't come in through her ears, it emmitated throughout her entire being.
What's this guy asking us about aliens for? We haven't dealt with aliens since… Daphne flashed back to memories of another desert – one in Roswell, New Mexico. She recalled the fate of Shaggy and Scooby's beloved Crystal and Amber as they ascended back to the heavens from which they came. The gang knew aliens were real, but Daphne wondered whether Boomhauer could know such a thing. A chill ran down Daphne's spine as she felt the exciting tingle of a growing mystery.
"Tell you what, man, swing 'em by again later man, talkin', fix up them ears first," Boomhauer replied, waving the group goodbye as they made their way onto the next house.
"What did y'all think of Boomhauer's tent?" Luanne asked as they walked. Neither of them responded.
"Sorry, I keep forgetting y'all are deaf," she apologized, removing her phone from her pocket. She typed her question; Fred and Daphne read it and both gave an enthusiastic thumbs up.
"Oh, that's wonderful. Wait 'til you see Uncle Hank's," she boasted, once again oblivious to her friend's inability to hear.
Daphne felt preoccupied by the metamorphosis going on inside her. The best way she could put it was something was pulling on her consciousness, trying to show her not a place, nor a thing, but a state. It was as if she had spent her entire life in an egg, and she was finally ready to emerge, fully formed. Butterflies danced about her gut, celebrating the nectar of nervous anticipation filling her body.
The group marched on, slinging water with every step.
…
As the group rounded a corner in Dale's ridiculous van, Dale broke the silence.
"I promise you guys won't regret helping with the haunted house, I've put a lot of money into DogeCoin," he affirmed to Phineas and Ferb, who were sitting in the back.
"It's our pleasure Mr. Gribble, we've built plenty of haunted houses and not a lot of people have been responding to our newspaper ad," Phineas replied.
"Funny, you'd think more people would be interested to hear the word of God from a few kids in a cave that you access through a dumpster," Hank added. Velma said nothing, still solidifying the memories of what she had just experienced in her mind.
Five more days, Velma thought, she couldn't complete her thought. What bothered her was that she hadn't been able to complete that thought for the entire car ride. Not since she felt the light.
"So Mr. Gribble, what's the situation with animatronics? Ferb said he can start there unless you've already got enough set up, and I was thinking about adding a spooky roller coaster-" Phineas began before being interrupted by Dale.
"All wonderful ideas. Especially the roller coaster thing, I will make note of that. But first, I have something else we need to take care of…" he opened his glove box, removing a blueprint that he gave to Ferb.
"This could work…" Phineas muttered, looking the blueprint up and down, "where," he looked out the window of the van, "where's," Phineas began hyperventilating. Ferb took notice and set aside the blueprint to pat his shoulder in reassurance.
"H'where's h'what? Spit it out," Hank said, pulling up to a light.
"Wha, wha… where's Perry? Where is Perry? Where's Perry? Ferb, Where's Perry? Have you seen Perry? Has anyone-" Phineas panicked, rocking back and forth – an unnatural amount of foam built up in his mouth and began spilling into his lap.
"What's wrong with him? Is he having a vision from God? A vision from aliens? Is God an alien?" Dale screamed.
"He's having an episode," Ferb said, giving Phineas a paper bag to hyperventilate into.
"How long has this been happening for?" Velma asked Ferb. Hank continued down the road, nearing Dale's house.
"Our pet platypus, Perry, went missing back in the tri-state area. He hasn't taken it well. The stress made him sick. Despite everything we've created together, we haven't been able to cure him of it. No one can take away the pain festering inside him," Ferb sadly stated, shedding a single tear for his step-brother.
"The pain of losing a pet can be intense," Dale responded sympathetically.
"There's that and the literal pain from the brain tumor growing in his head," Ferb added, "he's only got a few months left." The van sat in an awkward silence for a short second.
"Uh, sorry," Hank said. They rolled into Dale's driveway, pellets of water bouncing off the roof of the van. "Welp, looks like we made it. Yep, everybody out of the van." The group got out, putting their hoods back on.
"So Hank, you ready to admit I was right?" Dale said, lighting a cigarette and plopping it in his mouth.
"No. And stop smoking while you're babysitting those kids," Hank sternly replied.
"They're not kids, Hank, they're prophets. How could thy speak such blasphemy after experiencing the glory of the light first hand?" Dale exclaimed.
"I experienced- I experienced something, okay? I don't know h'what it was but it still doesn't justify messing with my truck," Hank stubbornly responded.
"Mr. Hill, believe us, Ferb and I were hardcore athiests before we felt God's light too-"
"I'm not an atheist, damnit, I just don't know what I saw-"
"Felt," Dale, Phineas, and Ferb corrected in unison.
"I don't know what I felt. Maybe it was God. Maybe I can't imagine work, or Ladybird, or Peggy, or my boy after five days from now," Hank replied, "and maybe I need some time to figure it out."
"Take all the time you want Hank, we've got all the time in the world. Oh wait, we don't. According to Phineas and Ferb's translations of the light, the bloom begins tomorrow," Dale said as Phineas removed a scroll from his pocket.
"Let me see that damn scroll," Hank said, yanking it from Phineas, "Day one, rainstorms. Day two, intense flooding. Day three…" his gut wrenched, "the blooming."
"You know it's true Hank. You've seen the weather the past two days and you could feel this in the light," Dale continued convincing Hank, "what about you, Dinkley?"
"Me? I don't know… I'm sure there's a perfectly scientific explanation for what we… felt," Velma said.
"You know, Velma, Ferb and I are true and tested believers in science, like yourself. The truth is, science hinges on discovering and explaining the unknown. God's just another one of those unknowns waiting for science to come to illuminate it. Once the world knows God is real, it'll only be a matter of time before we have chapters on his biology in our textbooks," Phineas stated as Ferb nodded in agreement.
"That's a surprisingly good point," Velma replied, "but if you're right and God is real and the prophecy is true, then in five more days…"
"We all die…" Dale announced in an eerie voice. Everyone peered down at the water running over their shoes, soaking their socks, and seeping into their souls.
"H'welp, I s'pose we should be headed back. Peggy's probably waiting for us," Hank said, motioning to Velma. The two began their way back home while Dale led Phineas and Ferb into his house.
"What do you really think about all this, Mr. Hill?" Velma asked as they walked.
"H'what I told Dale's the truth. I don't know h'what to think about all this gobbledygook," Hank said, wiping rain from the lenses of his glasses at the same time as Velma, "you seem like a sharp kid, what do you think?"
"I think someone wants to warn us about something big. Whether or not it has anything to do with God is beyond me," Velma replied just as they stepped into the yard. Shaggy, Scooby, and a limping Bobby came running towards them.
"Dad, dad, you gotta come quick, some guy started painting schlongs all over your haunted house and now mom's fighting him," Bobby cried, falling at Hank's feet.
"H'what?" Hank said, his Sharingan immediately appearing. In the blink of an eye he vanished.
"Like, man he's quick," Shaggy said, taken aback, "where've you been Velm?"
"Investigating a mystery," Velma replied.
"R'o kidding, re found a mystery too," Scooby exclaimed.
"This is so cool. Solving not just one, but two mysteries with the Mystery Incorporated," Bobby wheezed from the ground.
Hank navigated through his personalized hellscape with ease, scanning the area until he eventually came upon the battlefield. He spotted Peggy's bruised body lying in a crater.
"Peggy, are you alright?" He said, taking her into his arms. She coughed.
"I'm fine Hank, I've come back from worse," she said weakly, coughing up some blood.
"Heh, h'yep, you sure have," Hank sighed in relief.
"In my opinion," she uttered, "I've broken a few bones," she said, before passing out. Hank carried her out of the tent, noting the various red schlongs painted all over his haunted house as he went.
