Chapter Fourteen

****September 6th 2007****

I had woken up on Jack's sofa, and not wanting to talk straight away I had asked if I could shower and change. Jack had let me go. In the time I had been sleeping, the hub had been cleaned and the cyber unit had probably been dismantled. I spent a while in the shower, crying the last of my tears, especially when I noticed that Owen must have taken the time to tend my injuries since the burn on my wrist had been covered by something and the blood had been washed from my hands – probably by Jack.

When I finally returned to Jack's office, I just felt empty. I knew that it wouldn't last, that I would have to face what I did. But right now, I was okay with feeling empty. As long as Jack could forgive me.

"Raven." Jack greeted me with a smile when I entered his office. No one else was in the hub and according to the computer screen it was nearly nine o'clock. I had slept for nearly 18 hours. I had never slept so long before in my life.

"Captain." I responded, taking my customary seat next to him on the sofa.

"I've suspended Ianto for the next month. He needs time to come to terms with his loss. If he wants to come back at the end of his suspension, then I'll let him back." Jack said, skirting around the topic he wanted to talk about, and hiding his wince at Raven's term of address. She only did that when she was uncertain of a situation or in a public setting. But it was better than sir, so he would take what he could get.

"Will you be visiting him? To make sure he's okay." I asked him, looking down at my hands.

"Yes, once a week. And I was hoping you could also visit him." Jack said softly.

"Would he even want to see me? I mean I was the one who killed her." I shook my head, not sure why Jack was asking this of me.

"Because you're empathic. Because you understand him better than I could. Because he needs someone to talk with and I can't always be that person. Because he doesn't blame you. He understood why you went down there. He knows that you were trying to protect him." Jack said softly pulling me into a half hug. "And if he can forgive me for holding a gun to his head, and stating that I was going to kill him, then he can definitely forgive you."

"Alright." I sighed. "I'll go and see him." I promised.

"Thank you." Jack said softly. "How are you coping?"

"I… I'm not sure. I know Lisa died the moment she was placed on the conversion table. And the pizza girl died in a similar way. But she still had a beating heart, she was talking to me. There was still a form of life. And I ended that. I think it's going to take me a while, but I'll come to terms with it eventually." I told him softly. And it was true, she was already dead but that didn't stop me feeling guilty.

"You did what you had to do. If it wasn't for you then there's a chance not everyone would have escaped alive. And Ianto would defiantly be more damaged than he already is." Jack said, tightening his grip.

"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" I quoted softly.

"Very poetic." Jack said, looking down at me with a smile.

"Rose Kennedy words." I told him.

"Do you know any other quotes that are fitting to this?" Jack asked curiously, trying to distract me by making me think of my literature knowledge.

"Harriet Beecher Stowe once said 'The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.'" I recalled absently.

"Very true." Jack agreed. "I remember when I first lost a friend." Jack recalled faintly. "I didn't cry because I had lost a friend. I cried because I never got to tell him how much I valued his company. How very grateful I was that he joined the Time Agency with me."

"You must have lost so many people." I said sadly.

"Yeah, so many that some of their faces and names have started to blur. But there are a few, who burn like bright stars in my memory." Jack admitted looking down at me with fathomless eyes.

"Maybe you'll find someone who will live as long as you will." I told him softly.

"I wouldn't wish the curse on anyone. It's such a lonely existence." Jack said sadly.

"Maybe it wouldn't be as lonely with someone by your side." I told him, leaning forward slightly.

"That would be nice." Jack agreed before he captured my lips in a desperate kiss.

This wasn't the first time they had shared a kiss, but this was different. More desperate then any of the other kisses they had shared before. More passionate. Jack pushed me back so I was lying under him on the sofa, one of his warm hands cupping my cheek while the other was holding my hip. One of my hands had tangled itself in Jack's hair while the other was grabbing hold of his bracers.

Jack deepened the kiss, running his tongue along my lip. I granted him access, battling his tongue with my own. Jack won the battle for dominances easily, and I found I didn't mind. Jack's hand wondered down and gentle started massaging my right breast through my cloths. I gasped in surprised pleasure and arched up into him. Jack smirked at me before attacking my neck with his lips.

"Jack." I gasped softly, not sure what to do with the pleasure flowing through my system. I never let a man touch me like he was doing now.

"If you want me to stop, I will." Jack paused, pulling back slightly too look me in the eye.

"I… I don't want to go all the way." I admitted. "I'm not ready."

"Then we won't. We'll move at your pace." He went to pull his hand back but I stopped him. He looked at me questioningly.

"I think, I'm okay with a little fore-play." I told him with a smirk, disregarding my fear since I realised that I trusted Jack, despite everything that had happened. And I wanted this, this closeness with someone.

Jack smirked back.