TW: Some homophobia in this chapter.


Chapter 8: Pure Confusion

When Dimentio returned, the last thing he thought he would find was O'Chunks, waiting for him. But there was. He didn't look that happy either. "There ye are! What took yeh so long, lad!?"

Dimentio blinked. "Reporting to the Count, remember?"

O'Chunks narrowed his eyes. "Somethin' tells meh ye were pulling pranks on teh others...or somethin' akin to that. What were yeh really up to?"

The jester sighed. Lying got draining after a while. "I thought I told you to trust me, O'Chunks. Come along."

Still eyeing him with suspicion, O'Chunks followed Dimentio. They stopped in one room to talk about how to move forward with the heroes. At one point, though, O'Chunks changed the subject. "Do yeh think...Nastasia'll be proud once I brin' teh heroes down?"

Dimentio raised an eyebrow. "Why do you seek Nastasia's approval?" As the jester saw it, O'Chunks was only devoted to one person and that was it. However, when he stared at the ground silently, Dimentio realized this wasn't true. The slight reddening of the Scotsman's cheeks only confirmed the truth. He nodded slowly. "Ah, I see. Well, I'm sure she will."

There was a moment of silence. "Dimentio?"

"Yes, my slow friend?"

O'Chunks ignored that insult. "What's going on bahtween ye and L?"

The magician frowned. He ignored the strange feeling he got when the warrior mentioned the man in green. "What makes you think anything is going on between us?"

"Ya've been awfully friendly with 'im lately. Come now. Just tell meh teh truth." He didn't sound like he was accusing anyone; he genuinely wanted to know what was going on.

"You shouldn't worry about petty drama. It makes you sound childish." That didn't satisfy O'Chunks. So, he added casually, "He's fallen in love with me."

The Scotsman gasped. "What!?"

"Yes, apparently he's a homosexual." Dimentio answered, as if talking about the weather.

"No, he's not! I know Mr. L!" O'Chunks spat.

The magician sighed. "Honestly, I'm not completely sure what he is either. Sexually speaking anyway. One minute, he says he would have sex with a woman if given the chance and the next he's so enthusiastic about trying men on. I think he's hopelessly confused. That's my theory. Mimi is only enabling him, of course. Said she's always wanted a gay best friend." For a moment, Dimentio felt ashamed. Not because he was talking about Mr. L in this way behind his back, but because Dimentio even flirted with him in the first place. How far was he willing to go?

O'Chunks was still in disbelief. "Yer making that up!"

The magician shrugged. "Am I? Am I not? Who can say at this point?"

Suddenly, the Scottsman glared. "Stop with all dis joker gobbledy-gash! I want yeh to be straight with me! Are yeh a queer too!?"

"I don't know. I've always considered myself asexual. The intimacy, the closeness of it all. It's rather sickening to me. As for romanticism..."

"I SAID STOP! With all dis nonsense. I don't work with queers and I know neither o' yeh would stoop te that level! Yer me chums! Yer better than that!"

Dimentio smiled. "Of course I wouldn't."

Part of what the magician said was true. He found the idea of being intimate with a woman repulsive. That was why many years ago, when an intelligent girl asked him to be hers forever, Dimentio turned her down. But he never even considered being with a man before Mr. L.

That apathetic, sneaky creature. Maybe Luigi was at least a bit humble. Not Mr. L. He thought he was on top of the world, better than anyone else. He even had the nerve to nickname Dimentio after some commoner magician. The jester wanted to see him just so he could smack him upside the head.

But of course, he didn't show any sign of anger on his face. He just grinned.

That was when the three heroes emerged from a pipe in the far end of the room. Dimentio leaned in to whisper to O'Chunks, "We'll talk about this later." Then he turned to the heroes. "Ah ha ha! So! At long last, you've come to play, like late-sleeping toddlers!"

"Dimentio..." Their butterfly Pixl murmured. Timpani. No, wait. She went by Tippi these days. "And O'Chunks..."

O'Chunks pouted, not saying a word. Dimentio turned to their opposition. "Ah...Do you not tire of collecting those worn-out, tiresome Pure Hearts?" He said, making sure his voice was as smooth as butter. "I am not violent by nature, you know. I prefer to settle things peacefully, in fact. Say, for instance, you wished to go back to your world. I could do that for you."

Mario frowned. "Yeah, right! Like I would trust you!"

"We are NOT interested!" Tippi concurred.

Why was he not surprised? "Ah ha ha...So it must be...Shall we begin?" Suddenly, Dimension D replaced their surroundings. Dimentio had to fight to keep his smile. Summoning this dimension sucked the energy out of him. He felt light-headed all of a sudden.

"Ugh..." Tippi groaned. "Haven't you learned? No matter how often we fight, it will end the same."

"My, my, aren't you plucky? Same fight, same outcome. You are precisely correct." His eyes darted to O'Chunks. Well, he had to use this earlier than he thought, but he might as well. "And that is why..."

Suddenly, Dimentio snapped his fingers. A floro sprout materialized on O'Chunks' head. Quickly, their roots attached themselves to his brain. His willpower gone, O'Chunks became a mindless drone. Perfect. "BRO-CCOLI!"

Dimentio chuckled. "Lovely green hat, wouldn't you say?~"

"Huh!? Whoa, whoa, whoa," Bowser chimed in, making defensive hand gestures. "I don't fight veggies!"

Dimentio laughed at that comment. "Dear O'Chunks! So strong, yet so very dim! A child could learn his attack patterns! As such, I requested a few sprouts from my acquaintance to liven him up a touch. I call the boy, O'Cabbage!" He turned to O'Chunks. "Don't be shy, O'Cabbage! Introduce yourself!"

"CAB-BAGE!" O'Cabbage cried.

"Ah ha ha...Simply adorable. Now remember, kids: eat your vegetables to grow big! Except in this case, a veggie will eat YOU! Have fun now! Ciao!" Once again, Dimentio made himself invisible. This time, he didn't feel amused by the show. Instead, he watched like it was an obligation.

"AS-PARA-GUS!" O'Cabbage shouted. He did a quick spin, headed right for Mario and Peach. The princess stepped back in fear. Mario got in front of her, but it was too late. O'Cabbage's fast spin knocked both heroes down.

Bowser sneered. "Nice one."

O'Cabbage quickly turned on him. He rushed to him, spun him around faster than usual, and let go. Bowser knocked into a wall, then slid onto the floor. "Ouch."

The brainwashed Scotsman's next move surprised everyone. O'Cabbage turned back to Peach, dragged her closer to him, and started kicking her. Even Dimentio gasped. Sure, O'Chunks was rough with men, but he always went softer on women. Apparently, the floro sprout didn't care about gender.

"PEACH!" Both men cried. O'Cabbage began to turn on Mario, but the hero flipped between dimensions, trying to buy some time.

The fight went on like this for a couple more minutes. Dimentio started to worry then. What if the prophecy was wrong? What if these weren't the heroes? Then everything would fall apart. But of course, at some point, Tippi reminded them that O'Cabbage had the same attack patterns and that alone seemed to turn the tide. (Well, Peach in pain certainly helped, as both heroes loved the princess in some way.) Everyone used Thoreau and plenty of stomps. Soon, the heroes won another battle.

O'Chunks crouched, feeling his energy fade. "Buh...Buh...BRO-CCOLI!" Dimension D fell apart. As O'Chunks grounded, the floro sprout fell out of his head. He quickly regained control of his body. "'Ey! What in gravy am I doin' in 'ere!?" He stood and brushed himself off. When he noticed Bowser, his eyes grew wide and he flinched slightly. "Huh? An' what are YOU doin' in 'ere as well?" Before any of the heroes could answer, O'Chunks spoke again. "Oh, I get the picture! You lot want teh challenge the new, improved O'Chunks! Yeh got pepper in your pants, I'll give yeh that! But this time, yeh WILL get ruined!"

Bowser groaned. "Not again..."

Luckily, they didn't have to fight once more. Just then, O'Chunks' belly growled. "Whuh-oh...Me belly's growlin' like a stravin' dog! Warrior rule number one: Never fight on an empty stomach! 'Tis madness!" He recited, just as he did a few days ago at the dining room table. "Sorry, but we've got teh call it a day! Can't go buckin' the warrior rules! Next time, though, yer DONE! Chunks away!" He saluted the enemy, then farted into the air.

Tippi flew forward, staring at the discarded sprout. "Look...The sprout on his head...It's the same as on the florified Cragnons. It looks as though it's nearly dead, however..." Bowser picked it up, observing it. "Well, what do you think? Would you care to try it on? I believe you'll be safe."

Bowser snarled. "Are you kidding? I'm no veggie!"

Mario sighed. "I can try it on." Bowser handed him the sprout. Dimentio watched closely. Mario put the sprout on and nothing happened. He was still in control of himself.

"You didn't turn into cabbage." Tippi muttered. "That's nice, I guess...this could come in handy."

With that, the heroes left together.

"Ah ha ha..." Dimentio became visible once more. "Mmm...If they could beat that model of O'Chunks, then they are coming along quite nicely! Perhaps they really are the ones I have waited for all this time." He gave another laugh, just to convince himself he was on the right track. "Ah ha ha! I should prepare myself as well! So much to do, so precious little time!"

With that, he went home. He brought O'Chunks with him to his room, but quickly regretted it. "Okay, we're alone now!" O'Chunks declared, not even bothering to show much surprise. "So, after I make myself a good meal, yer gonna tell me-"

Before he could get the full sentence out, Dimentio cast a sleeping spell. O'Chunks blinked a few times, then began to fall on his back. Before he hit the ground, however, Dimentio teleported him to his bedroom. The magician stretched and yawned, still smiling. "Well, better get to bed!" With that, he fell back on his bed and used a spell to put himself to sleep.

Yes, he could wait and fall asleep on his own. But he didn't want to tonight. He would be thinking too much. Feeling too much.

And that was never a good thing.


Mr. L woke up, blinking. He was relieved that he didn't have another awful dream. He sat up and got out of bed. He saw the rose in his room and smiled. It was still nice and fresh. It was floating around in its vase, which he got shortly after Dimentio left. He yawned and went downstairs to the kitchen. It was about 10 o'clock, a somewhat reasonable balance. He jumped when he saw the magician pouring coffee into a mug. "Dimentio!"

Dimentio looked up and grinned, putting the mug down on the counter. "Well, it looks like I surprised you again without even trying to."

The man in green inched closer to the coffee machine, where Dimentio stood. "When did you get back?"

"Last night."

The man in green looked around. "Is O'Chunks here?"

"Yes. I believe he's awake, but he's up in his room sulking. Sometimes, I forget that he was once a general. He seems so sensitive."

Mr. L blinked, but said nothing. He didn't know O'Chunks used to be a general. He'd have to ask about that later. "How did Nastasia take your insubordination?"

"It wasn't insubordination. That's too strong of a word. I believe it was more of a small instant of disobedience."

He smirked. "Well, either way, how did she take your disobedience?"

"She sent me to clean up the kitchen and make breakfast, but that was it."

Mr. L shrugged and got a mug from the cupboard. "Huh. I guess you were right about her letting you off the hook."

Dimentio nodded and floated up to him, touching his shoulder lightly. "So, what do you say we go on another outing?"

"Now?" He asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Not right this second. Maybe later tonight."

Mr. L nodded. "Good. I can't right now. I should be getting to work on Brobot."

"You're always working," Dimentio said. "Why don't you take a break every once in awhile?" With that, he planted a kiss on his neck.

The man in green laughed and kissed him back. He didn't feel like asking for anything, so he chose not to mention it. "I can't afford to lounge around doing nothing. I want to help the Count in any way possible."

Dimentio's smile faltered. "Alright. How about I come and watch again? I'll try not to make too much of a disturbance."

Mr. L shrugged. "As long as you're not distracting me." He pressed some buttons on the coffee machine and watched the brown liquid spill into his drink. He didn't feel like adding much, so he just poured some milk in and left it at that. With that, he started to leave the room. Before he could, Dimentio grabbed his shoulder. Mr. L turned, having a look on his face that said, What now?

"Aren't you going to eat?" The magician asked.

The man in green sighed, then opened the fridge and took out an apple. He took a bite out of it and proceeded to go in the garage. After crossing the back and entering the garage code, Mr. L walked in the garage with Dimentio right behind him. He got out his tools and started working on his machine.

Dimentio watched silently, not bothering to crack a lot of jokes or poke fun at his new boyfriend. The metal scaffolding was complete along with its large yellow eyes. "You're making a lot of progress in such a short amount of time."

"Hey, I try," He muttered. Mr. L held out his hand. "Screwdriver, please." Dimentio handed him the screwdriver. The man in green thanked him and continued working. He was currently making a new nose for his machine, screwing some bolts into the new piece.

"So, if I may ask," Dimentio began. "Why do you insist on calling this machine your brother? Do mechanics feel this attached to their creations?"

Mr. L grinned. "I guess it is a bit strange to an outsider, huh?"

"Just a bit," The magician admitted.

The mechanic turned back to his machine, sighing. "Normally, mechanics are proud of their creations, like I am, but they don't attach themselves to them in the same way I do. I may not seem aware of it, but I am. I chose to do this." He took a deep breath before continuing. "You see, Mimi and I were talking one day and I was telling her that I wanted a way to stand out from everyone else. She suggested building a giant robot to crush the heroes. That was all I was doing at first."

"Then...ehen I had dreams of a little boy, who I now know is my real bro, I felt really lonely all of a sudden. It was the kind of loneliness that friends can't cure. So, I made up for it by calling my creation a robot brother. Hence, Brobot," He explained, gesturing to the metal scaffolding.

"That's actually quite tragic."

Mr. L shrugged. "Hey, it's no big deal. If I can't have my real bro with me right now, then at least I can have my metal one! Isn't that right, bro?" With that, he grabbed a remote laying on the table and pressed a large red button. Brobot's eyes twitched with light, but didn't do much else. Dimentio chuckled. Mr. L jerked towards the magician. "He's a work in progress! Leave him alone!"

Just then, Mimi walked into the garage. "Hey, guys."

"Hey, Arachne," Mr. L greeted.

Dimentio raised an eyebrow. "Where did you get that strange nickname from anyway?"

Mr. L glanced towards Dimentio. "Haven't you ever read the Greek classics?"

"Yeah! What he said!" Mimi chimed in. "Read his inter-dimensional stuff!"

The man in green turned back towards Mimi. "Anyway...how are you doing?"

"I'm alright. Did you hear that O'Chunks came back?"

The man in green nodded. "I figured. How's he doing?"

She frowned. "Not so good. Nassy's got a really strange punishment for him too."

"What is it?"

Mimi shrugged. "I don't know. Ask him yourself."

Mr. L nodded slowly. Mimi must have heard about it from the servants' chatter, not knowing much herself. He turned to Brobot. "I'll be right back, bro." He patted the metal scaffolding, then started to leave.

Mimi chuckled. Mr. L shot her a glare. She turned away, pretending to be innocent. The man in green rolled his eyes and left. As soon as Mr. L was gone, Mimi went back to chuckling. "He still insists on calling this thing his brother?"

"Apparently so," Dimentio replied.

Mimi laughed. "L's so weird."

Dimentio nodded. "Yes...yes he is."


Meanwhile, Mr. L went outside. He walked around the castle, keeping his eyes peeled for O'Chunks. He found him in the back of the castle, sulking. "Hey."

O'Chunks turned. Surprisingly, he scoffed at him and turned his back towards him. "What de yeh want?"

Mr. L sat down with O'Chunks. "I heard what happened. That's rough."

The Scotsman glared. "Rough!? The lass wants meh te write a song for teh Count and sing it one thousand times! And right when I was 'bout teh confess too..."

The mechanic furrowed his brows. "Wait. If you're supposed to sing a song a thousand times, why aren't you singing right now?"

"Ugh...I'm still workin' on teh chorus."

"Maybe she doesn't return your feelings. You might want to start looking elsewhere."

"Don't say that 'bout Nastasia!" O'Chunks shouted. Quietly, he added, "There's still a chance..."

The man in green stood, walking further out. "Hmm. You look like you could use a pick-me-up. You know what I do when I'm upset?"

O'Chunks stared at him. "Build that metal contraption o' yours?" He asked flatly.

"No." After a few seconds, he quickly added, "Well, yes, but you know what else?"

"What?"

Mr. L turned one hand into a fist and slammed it into the other. "I kick some ass!" He patted O'Chunks on the back. "Come on! Let's do some sparing!"

O'Chunks groaned. "I'm not in a sparin' mood."

"Come on! I heard you were once a proud general and now you're reduced to whining whenever you lose a battle?"

O'Chunks' eyes widened. "Who told yeh that?"

The mechanic smirked. "No one important."

O'Chunks frowned. "T'was Dimentio, wasn't it? I don't like yeh hanging around that lad...He's makin' yeh just as sneaky as 'im!"

"You've noticed us together?" Stiffly, the Scotsman nodded. Mr. L figured he must have known about their relationship by now. He shrugged. "Well, when two people spend some time together, they naturally influence one another."

The strongman huffed. "Well, anyway...yer not one teh talk! Yeh ranted and raved for two whole days after losin' te Maria!"

Mr. L rolled his eyes. "It's Mario, O'Chunks. Not Maria. Anyway, the heroes are a rather sensitive subject for me, especially the red one."

"Why especially teh red one? That koopa's probably teh worst."

"Exactly! Get angry! Act like they're here!"

O'Chunks frowned. He didn't move from his spot. Mr. L cupped his hands around his mouth. "Hey, fat guy! Your beef and Brussels Sprout stew is the worst and you whine all the time! Whine, whine, whine~!"

O'Chunks glared. He stood, fists clenched. "Hey! Ye take back whatcha said about me mum's stew! 'Twas her recipe!"

Mr. L smirked. "Well, she obviously wasn't very good at cooking then."

O'Chunks growled. "Nobody talks 'bout me mum like that and gets away with it!" He launched towards Mr. L. The latter's smile grew. O'Chunks tried to land a punch, but Mr. L stepped back. The Scotsman tried again. The man in green dodged the punch, then leapt and jumped on O'Chunks' head twice.

The muscle man cried out and pouted, then suddenly smiled. "Yer usin' teh same moves as those heroes. Maybe yeh should be with 'em instead."

Mr. L frowned, genuinely offended. He clenched his fists. "Don't you dare compare me with those heroes! I am the Green Thunder!"

O'Chunks shrugged. "That don't seem teh mean much teh them."

"You wanna go, big guy?"

O'Chunks cracked his knuckles. "I thought that's what we were doin', yeh queer!"

Mr. L glared. "What?" He asked, clenching his teeth.

Without any warning, O'Chunks grabbed Mr. L and threw him into the mud. As the man in green fell, mud splashed all over both of their clothes. O'Chunks laughed and started doing his victory dance, showing off his muscles. Mr. L narrowed his eyes and stood, punching him in the middle of the dance.

"What was that about calling me a queer?" The man in green asked, his face turning red.

The Scotsman smiled. "Dimentio told me everythin'! Yer so confused! Yer can't decide whatcha like! Yer so pathetic, lad!"

O'Chunks started to reach for him, but Mr. L sprung up and kicked him in the face. O'Chunks skidded back in the mud, then charged towards Mr. L. The man in green used his super jump, thinking he was safe. Instead, the Scotsman grabbed one of his legs and slammed him into the ground.

Just then, Mr. L felt something running through his hands. They both twitched, releasing intense shocks of pain every few seconds. "Ah..." He squeezed both hands. "What is this?" He muttered.

"Give up yet?" O'Chunks asked.

Mr. L stood and tried to ignore the pain in his hands. He hid his discomfort with a smirk. "Are you kidding!? We're just getting started!"

The two continued fighting without holding back. In the end, however, they both ran out of energy quickly. Before Mr. L knew it, he was laying on the grass. His clothes were covered in sweat and mud. He panted hard.

O'Chunks laid in a puddle of mud a few feet away. The filth covered his arms and kilt. "Ugh. I am pure done in! Yeh may have a bigger mouth than the others, but ya can put up a fight."

Mr. L smiled. "You're not so bad yourself."

The Scotsman stood and offered a hand. The man in green took it and stood up. The men panted.

O'Chunks looked up at him. "Yeh didn't mean what ya said back there, did ya? About us bein' juniors?"

Mr. L laughed. "You guys are still thinking about that? Well, if I'm being honest, Mimi was right. I did get pretty spanked. That hero is tough, but not invincible. We've just got to try harder!"

"And so your failures fill you with determination, like a game that won't come out in at least eight years."

They both jumped. Dimentio hovered right in front of them. Mr. L frowned. "What are you talking about, Dimentio?"

The jester grinned. "Oh, nothing. Lunch is ready."

O'Chunks smiled. "Now yer speakin' meh language!" The warrior headed inside without much hesitation.

Mr. L started to follow, but Dimentio grabbed his arm. He turned, irritated. "What?"

"Is the rose still nice and unwilted?" The man in green nodded slowly. What did Dimentio tell O'Chunks about their relationship? Did he feed him this information or was the Scotsman making his own assumptions? However, Dimentio simply grinned and let go of his arm. "Good."

That was all that he had to say on the matter. The two started heading off to lunch like nothing was different between them. Well, there was one difference: Dimentio offered his hand and Mr. L took it without much thought.