A/N: Starting in this chapter you may notice a couple of familiar lines of dialogue that I have interwoven from the show into the story. In particular, the interaction between Dean and Sam in 'Everybody Loves a Clown' about their dad because I think that writing was solid and I couldn't hope to write anything better. From here you may also notice that I have condensed and altered the Season 3 timeline, jumping forward to some Season 4 stuff. Hopefully it all still works and is still a good read. This chapter features the music of Joan Jett's 'I Hate Myself for Loving You.'


Chapter 4: I Hate Myself


Midnight, gettin' uptight, where are you?

You said you'd meet me, now it's quarter to two

I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you

Hey Jack, it's a fact they're talkin' in town

I turn my back and you're messin' around

I'm not getting jealous, don't like lookin' like a clown

I think of you every night and day

You took my heart, and you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you

Can't break free from the the things that you do

I wanna walk but I run back to you

That's why I hate myself for loving you

Daylight, spent the night without you

But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do

I'm over being angry 'bout the hell you put me through

Hey man, bet you can't treat me right

You just don't know what you was missin' last night

I wanna see you beggin', say, "Forget it" just for spite

I think of you every night and day

You took my heart, and you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you

Can't break free from the the things that you do

I wanna walk but I run back to you

That's why I hate myself for loving you

I think of you every night and day

You took my heart, and you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you

Can't break free from the things that you do

I wanna walk but I run back to you

That's why I hate myself for loving you

Dean, for once, didn't speed recklessly down the highways between him and Bobby's house. In fact, he actually appreciated the hundreds of miles they had to traverse to get to the old hunter's garage. He kept the music loud to discourage Sam from talking, but unfortunately it wasn't quite loud enough to drown out his own thoughts and Sam had never been one to cooperate with his plans.

"Dude…" he began again, leaning forward to turn down the music.

Dean ignored him and turned it back up. Sam figured by this point he really shouldn't be surprised by his brother's immaturity, but Dean never ceased to amaze him in that regard.

"You know, you can avoid talking to me if you want, but you're going to have to talk to her when we get there." Sam yelled over the mullet rock.

"Mind your own business, Sam." Dean called back.

Annoyed, Sam leaned forward and switched the music off, "It's not healthy, man. The way you keep bottling everything up inside. Acting like everything is fine when it's not. You know that, right?"

"I thought you said I could avoid talking to you." Dean grumbled.

"Look, first you go months not talking about Ty and now you still haven't said anything about Dad. It's been weeks, Dean!" Sam continued, his own pent-up emotions causing him to raise his voice.

"What do you want me to do, Sam?" Dean demanded, "You want me to pull over? Have a good long cry on your shoulder?"

"Don't patronize me, Dean. Dad is dead, okay? You can't just act like nothing happened."

"What do you want me to say?" Dean asked, exasperation creeping into his voice despite how hard he was trying to shut his feelings out.

"Say something, alright?! Hell, say anything!" Sam exclaimed, "Aren't you angry? Don't you want revenge?"

Sam tried not to let himself complete the thought that Dean might indeed be angry, but not with any demon, but with him.

"Revenge, huh? Sounds good. You got any leads on what demon did this or where they are? Or make any sense of this Lilith thing or what to do about the Devil's Gate, 'cause I sure haven't. We've got nothing, Sam. Nothing, okay?" Dean snapped, "So the last thing I need right now is a heart-to-heart with you."

Sam was silent for a moment, hating that Dean had a point about their lack of leads. But after stewing in the silence for a bit, Sam couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't just do nothing. Besides, Dean wasn't entirely right.

"We've got something, Dean." Sam ventured quietly, "We've got Bobby...Ellen, Jo, and Ash...Ty…"

Dean didn't reply, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. He very deliberately leaned over and turned the music back on, shooting Sam a quick glance that said if he touched the knob again, he was going to toss him in the trunk. Sam sighed, slouching in his seat and turning his gaze to the passing scenery. Dean claimed that Sam was the most like their Dad, but Dean had certainly inherited John's stubbornness, too. But it was only a matter of miles before they reached Bobby's and Dean would have to face at least some of his issues, personified by a young female hunter. Because if Sam was really honest, he needed Dean to figure it out, pull himself together, not just for his brother's sake, but for his own, as well. He depended on Dean to know what to do next, which way to go, always had. So, if Dean was rudderless, how the hell were they going to deal with Lilith?

When Sam and Dean finally arrived at Bobby Singer's place that afternoon, it was two days after Bobby's call. There was no sign of Alex's truck in the yard when they pulled up, for which Dean was grateful. He certainly didn't want to have to deal with him on top of everything else.

Bobby greeted the boys at the door with a quick hug and pat on the back, asking if they were okay, before gesturing them inside. Dean couldn't help but look around for Ty as he entered, which he knew both Bobby and Sam caught.

"She's out back." Bobby said simply.

Dean nodded, squaring his shoulders a little as he prepared himself for finally seeing her again. Sam and Bobby exchanged a look behind his back, a look that shared an understanding of both Dean's stupid stubbornness, Ty's matching obstinance, and the explosive nature of their relationship that only someone who had to suffer daily life with one half of the pair could really comprehend.

"Beer, Sam?" Bobby asked, communicating his frustration over the pair in the question.

"Yeah." Sam nodded, agreeing to both the offer and the sentiment.

"Dean," Bobby called as he followed his path into the kitchen to grab some beers, halting the other man in his tracks. Dean turned back to him, eyebrow raised questioningly, "she's got a new hobby. Don't say I didn't warn you."

With that Bobby wandered off, grumbling something under his breath that Dean couldn't make out. Puzzled, he turned back to the door and stepped out into the salvage yard. It took him a little bit, but a strange noise drew his attention and when he followed it, he found her.

For the most part she looked just like he remembered with no visible evidence of her recent brush with death. Her blonde hair was still long, reaching down almost to the middle of her back now in one long ponytail. She wore a typical outfit of jeans, black tank top, and light tan overshirt with the buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. He could see the glint of her dog-tag necklace against her chest. Her blue eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. The only new addition he noticed to her attire was a wide leather bracelet on her left wrist that sported two metal buckles. But that wasn't what most commanded his attention, at the moment. No, that would be her new "hobby," as Bobby put it.

Ty was holding a bow, an arrow knocked to the string and pulled back to her cheek as she aimed at a target duct-taped to the wall of Bobby's garage some 30 feet or so away. Extra arrows stuck out of a bucket by her feet. There was more than one hole in the wall surrounding the target and Dean suspected he now knew what Bobby had been grumbling about.

"Hey, Hunger Games!" he called loudly since she hadn't noticed him yet.

Ty jumped, a startled noise escaping her mouth and her hand accidentally loosing the arrow, which sailed way wide of its intended target. Dean's eyes followed it as it flew across the yard and punctured the side of an old junker car. He winced and hoped Bobby wasn't planning on reusing that side panel.

"God, Dean!" Ty snapped, a pained hiss in her voice, "Don't do that!"

Dean's eyes snapped back to her and saw she had her left arm tucked into her chest, curled slightly over it, like she was injured. His grin evaporated and he moved quickly towards her, "Are you okay?"

"Fine." Ty replied, straightening and shaking out her arm a bit, "That just stings like a bitch!"

Realizing that her misfire had caused the bowstring to snap against her outstretched arm, Dean felt a stab of guilt over startling her, knowing from experience when his dad had made him learn bowhunting how much that hurt. But rather than admit to any guilt, he convinced himself that he was really more annoyed at her for being so oblivious that someone could sneak up on her. You'd think she knew to be more careful than that by now.

"Let me see." Dean ordered, closing the distance between them and taking her arm without waiting for her to comply. He pulled it towards him, straightening it out so he could inspect the damage, "Geez, what's the matter with you? What if I'd been a vampire or something?"

"Well, nice to see you, too." Ty grumbled back, allowing Dean to unbuckle her wrist guard and check her forearm. The guard protected a good portion of the inner side of her arm where the bow typically caught the skin, which was partly why she wore it (the other reason now being to cover the lingering scar from her run-in with the Gjenganger), but it still stung and there was a strip of red just outside the guard area that would likely form into an impressive if small welt soon.

"What's with the Robin Hood routine?" Dean demanded, still not quite willing to let go of the pretense of anger that helped mask any other dangerously touchy-feely emotions that stirred inside him when he saw her hurt. He brushed his fingers over the dark scar and the new blooming welt, but pulled them back when she inhaled sharply.

"Am I Katniss or Robin Hood? Make up your mind." Ty snapped back, pulling her arm out of Dean's grasp, "And don't worry about this. It's fine. I've done it before. It'll go away in a couple days."

With that, Ty snatched her wrist guard out of Dean's hand and turned back towards the house, bow hanging loosely in one hand by her side while she tried to awkwardly refasten the guard with her teeth. Dean cast his eyes heavenward and took a deep breath before following.

"Could you hold up a minute?" Dean called after her.

"Why?" Ty snapped over her shoulder without pausing.

Heaving an aggravated sigh, Dean jogged a little to catch up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her angry march back to the house. She whirled around towards him, shrugging his hand off. He couldn't see her eyes behind her sunglasses, but he was sure they were ablaze with her fury at him.

"What? What do you want, Dean?" she demanded.

His own temper flaring in response, Dean snapped, "A freakin' hello would be nice!"

Ty glanced up at him, her gaze, just visible over her sunglasses, suddenly very cool and emotionless. "Hi," she deadpanned, before turning away again.

Dean snatched her arm, holding tightly this time so she couldn't shrug him off, refusing to let her walk away.

"Jesus Christ, woman. You got something on your mind, just say it."

Ty felt herself starting to almost vibrate with rage. She twisted her arm around under Dean's to break his hold, then dropped her bow so she could shove him hard with her free hand. Still not feeling satisfied with that level of violence, she stepped forward and shoved him again, this time with both hands.

"Eight months!" she heard herself yelling, "Eight freaking months!"

She shoved him one more time, but now the words were boiling out her mouth uncontrollably and she had to stop while she tried to get ahold of herself.

"No calls, no emails, not a freaking telegram! Do you have any idea how it feels when someone you care about just ditches you, no word, nothing? You wouldn't even let Bobby tell me what was going on! You didn't even tell me when your dad…" Ty finally managed to cut herself off, biting her lip to keep from saying more, chest heaving as she tried to take a deep breath and calm down.

Dean was uncharacteristically quiet and was no longer meeting her eyes. Ty felt another quick flash of anger in response. She didn't want to feel sorry for him anymore. She wanted to be mad, wanted to fight. Couldn't he at least give her that?

But when he finally responded, the pain in his voice doused her anger instantly, replacing it with guilt and regret.

"I couldn't." he said simply.

He didn't say more than that, but he didn't really need to. Sighing, Ty took a half-step closer, reaching a hand out towards him, but hesitating before touching him, "I could have helped. I wanted to."

Dean nodded, still not meeting her gaze, "I know."

Ty didn't want to have this conversation, hated how vulnerable it made her feel, but she felt like she had to give him something, even the playing field in the face of his barely masked emotions. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to say the things she'd replayed over and over in her mind during his long absence.

"I can't keep doing this, Dean."

Dean finally looked up. He looked withdrawn, resigned. He nodded again, almost like he was confirming something with himself before he replied, his voice ringing hollow, "Yeah, I kinda figured."

Ty's eyes narrowed at the change in his demeanor and some of her anger rekindled. How dare he just show up all of a sudden and then cut himself off like that when she was opening herself up? She was the one being strung along, the one he was keeping on the side like some kind of toy he could just pick up and play with whenever he liked before throwing her back in the toybox!

"You know what, Dean? If you wanted to cut me loose, you should have just said so." she growled through clenched teeth.

Dean blinked at her, surprised. Cut her loose? What was she talking about? Wasn't she the one dumping him?

"I don't want to cut you loose." Dean surprised himself by admitting.

Now Ty was the one pausing uncertainly. He didn't? Then why had he cut her off, shut her out? She'd been so sure after the talk they'd had following her demonic possession that it hadn't just been about sex. He'd practically said as much, said he wanted to get to know her. And she'd thought she could feel something like the love she felt for him reflected back in his kisses. But then he'd just left. Could she have been wrong about everything after all? Was a good time all he wanted to keep her around for? Was that the future he'd said he'd seen her as a part of?

"Well, I'm not...I don't...I won't just be your hunting friend with benefits!" Ty finally blurted out, flushing with embarrassment as the words left her mouth.

Dean couldn't help it. A laugh escaped before he could think about stopping it even though he knew it was going to piss her off even more. Struggling to regain control, he shook his head and held up his hands in a conciliatory gesture while he took a breath.

"That...uh...that wasn't what I was going for."

Ty deflated, suddenly feeling way too exhausted for all of this. She sighed again, pulling off her sunglasses and brushing some escaped strands of hair behind her ear, "Then what, Dean?"

Dean resisted the urge to squirm or, better yet, run. They'd been dancing around this practically since she and Sam had that vision of her death in fire on the ceiling. What were they to each other? The idea of labeling it was frankly kind of terrifying. It was out of his depth and it felt like inviting disaster. While he knew a part of him wanted it, a real relationship, the stability, he'd convinced himself that wasn't in the cards for him for so many reasons. But he couldn't bring himself to just end it entirely. So they kept ending up here, having this same argument.

Impatient with his silence, Ty spoke again, interrupting his thoughts. They'd been here before and she knew what she was asking of him, knew there were more problems than he'd shared that stood in the way, so she once again offered an olive branch. Before, she'd been willing to settle for even the possibility that he saw her as a part of his future. Now she knew that wasn't enough, especially if he was going to keep leaving her out of the important parts of his life, but maybe she could still offer some middle ground, a way to say what needed to be said without needing to use those exact words.

"Ramble On by Zeppelin."

Dean arched an eyebrow, confused by the non-sequitur.

Ty pressed on, her eyes drifting downwards to focus on her hands as she absently curled them in and out of fists, "I'm going 'round the world, I got to find my girl/ On my way/ I've been this way ten years to the day/ I gotta ramble on/ I gotta find the queen of all my dreams." She paused in her recitation of the lyrics and her eyes briefly lifted to meet his before quickly looking away again, "I get it if you've got to ramble. I don't need a freakin' proposal or anything, I just need to know for sure...for you, is that me, the girl you come back to? Do you want it to be? 'Cause if it's not..."

It took him a moment for the shock to wear off as her words washed over him. The first coherent thought that entered his mind afterwards was that he couldn't believe she'd found a way to turn their relationship question into Zeppelin lyrics. She really was perfect for him. Another wave of shock hit when the implications of that thought sunk in. Damn, Sam had been right, after all (not that he would ever tell him).

Shaking his head to clear it, Dean forced himself to seriously consider her question. That alone was something of a turning point for him, he mused sardonically. Did he dream about her? Yeah, more than he'd like to admit. Did he want to be with her? He did. They wouldn't be where they were now if he didn't. Was she the girl? For the longest time, he'd assumed that there wasn't such a person for him. He'd always figured himself for the type never to be tied down to just one girl. And yet, he kept finding himself drawn back to this one over and over again, couldn't seem to give her up.

Dean almost felt like he was standing on the precipice of something, some kind of realization, when a voice inside him that sounded suspiciously like his dad's spoke, the words hitting him like a bucket of ice water, 'None of that matters. Is your happiness worth risking her life?'

It was an old argument that he'd had with himself before. Hell, he'd had it with her. She maintained that he wasn't putting her in any danger she wasn't willing to face, that she was going to hunt either way, so wasn't it better to do it together? But he couldn't shake the fear that dogged him, the fear that he was poison and anything he loved would suffer for it. Even in the song she'd mentioned, the "girl so fair" gets taken by evil. He'd had to see it happen once already, see the Yellow-Eyed Demon take her from him. He didn't think he could take going through something like that again. Not after everything with Sam and his dad.

He'd been quiet too long. Ty risked another glance at his face. She could almost see his internal debate playing across his features. Part of her felt a spark of hope swell that he was even considering it. But then a familiar stubborn, resolved look appeared in his eyes and hardened his jaw and she knew he was going to say something she wouldn't like.

"It's better for you…" he began.

Ty cut him off by leaping forward and snagging a fistful of his shirt just under the collar, yanking his face down to level with hers, furious that he was still hung-up on this asinine idea about making her choices for her for her own "protection" after everything they'd been through, "Don't you even dare, Winchester."

With her sunglasses off, Dean could now see the full fire blazing in her blue eyes. They weren't, to borrow a GNR lyric, eyes of the bluest skies without a thought of rain. No, these eyes were definitely stormy. If anything they brought to mind a completely different song, a different feeling. Damn if he didn't feel thunderstruck.

Without even thinking about it, he suddenly found himself kissing her hungrily. Something about her, about the way they could drive each other nuts, made it so easy to jump from heightened emotions of one kind to another. And he knew she felt the same, could tell by the way she immediately started kissing him back like she too had been starving for his touch.

Ty knew she shouldn't be kissing him, knew it wasn't solving anything but she couldn't help the feelings that burned in her blood whenever he was around. Passion, Ty realized in the back of her mind in some small space that wasn't completely occupied by Dean, that's what was lacking when she tried to imagine herself with someone else, even someone she liked and trusted as much as Alex. He just didn't make her feel this way, this heart-bursting, infuriating, soul-consuming inferno of emotion. Part of her hated that now, in Dean's arms, she felt a sense of completeness, hated to admit that she needed him. Part of her wanted to hate him, blame him for making her feel this way, for making her life more complicated. But she couldn't and she knew it. He was and always would be something like her savior, and not just because he'd literally saved her life more than once. Like it or not, she owed the life she had now to him and for all its faults and dangers, she wouldn't trade it, wouldn't dream of ever going back to what she'd had before. No, it felt like before she'd met him, she'd just been waiting for her real life to begin.

Ty felt Dean guiding her back towards the house and didn't fight it. Neither was willing to stop what they were doing, but somehow they managed to make it to the back door without tripping and falling in a tangle of limbs. Ty absently noticed she'd lost her overshirt somewhere as Dean's hands explored her curves. When they reached the door to the house, Dean kicked it open and propelled them inside. She feverishly tugged at Dean's t-shirt, needing to feel more of him, and he impatiently yanked it off over his head, dropping it on the floor of Bobby's kitchen.

"Dean? Ah, Jesus!" Sam exclaimed when he followed the noise from the back door to find the pair making out. He quickly backtracked, shielding his eyes, "Dude, get a room!"

Dean ignored him, knowing if he paused to reply, Ty would break away from him, embarrassed. She'd probably go to say hi to Sam, ruining their moment and maybe landing them right back into their argument. So, instead, he tightened his hold on her and increased his efforts to keep her distracted while moving them towards the stairs to go up to her room. Sam had that part right at least. Sam he could ignore, but there was no way in hell he was risking Bobby walking in on them.

Ty felt sure she'd heard something, but somehow nothing seemed to matter at the moment but Dean. Her mind was spinning and she almost fell backwards on her ass when she backed into the stairs. She felt Dean grin against her lips as he caught her, his hands sliding down her back and over her jeans. He tried to lift her, no doubt intending for her to wrap her legs around his waist and carry her up the stairs, but she resisted, squirming until he put her back on her feet.

"Uh uh." she murmured with a quick shake of her head before kissing him again. She didn't like being picked up, didn't like the helplessness of it, or the self-consciousness she felt about her weight when someone else was carrying it. But she didn't want to dwell on that when there were better things to do. She felt for the steps behind her with her feet before backing up them.

Dean shot her a bit of a pout as he followed her, "No fun."

Ty found herself giving him a mischievous grin as she reached the top of the stairs, "We'll see about that."

Dean couldn't quite contain a groan in response, quickly closing the small gap that had developed between them. He wasted no time maneuvering them the remaining distance to her room and shoving the door closed after them.

The next morning, Ty slowly acknowledged that she was, in fact, awake, but stubbornly refused to open her eyes. Instead, she allowed her other senses to fill in a picture of her surroundings.

She was laying on her side in her bedroom at Bobby's, slightly curled inwards, one hand under the pillow under her head. She knew if she stretched out her fingers, she'd feel the hilt of the knife she'd stashed under there, a habit she'd picked up that was now so ingrained it was like a safety blanket. She couldn't sleep if it wasn't there.

A warm weight across her middle was an arm thrown over her, the hand resting lightly against her back over the sheet. She could feel the warmth of the man it belonged to next to her and guessed he was probably sleeping on his stomach (how he found that comfortable, she'd never understand), one arm wrapped around her and the other under his own pillow. She had evidently slept facing him and she wondered briefly if that meant something and, if so, if he was facing her, too. With a sigh, she opened her eyes, unable to deny her curiosity about finding out but at the same time knowing she shouldn't be reading into these things. Still, no matter how much she told herself that, she still felt a flutter in her chest when her vision was met by the sight of his sleeping face turned her direction.

She indulged herself a little, just laying there staring at him. Asleep, his features relaxed, she could almost pretend none of their problems existed, that he hadn't avoided answering her question about their relationship the night before. It made her feel a sort of melancholy ache because she knew the moment wouldn't last and part of her kept berating her to just get it over with, cut her losses, and run. But she just couldn't. It probably made her weak, but she couldn't stop herself from clinging to this peaceful moment and, ultimately, to him.

Before she could stop herself, she sighed again and this time it caused him to stir. He groaned, stretching his limbs a little before his eyes fluttered open and met hers. A lazy smile graced his features and it felt like all her thoughts melted to nothing in response.

"Mornin'" he greeted her, the quiet word a sleepy drawl that was somehow hot and adorable at the same time.

"...hi…" she managed in response.

He chuckled softly, shifting so he could lean over and kiss her. He wasn't a morning person, but something about waking up next to her...just felt so good and he'd missed it. He tried not to think too much about it. Like most good things in his life, he had this somewhat irrational feeling that if he looked directly at it, it would disappear. So, he did what he always did; he didn't think about it, instead focusing steadfastly on the moment, the feel of her soft lips against his, the warmth of her body next to his. Intent on extending the experience, he tightened the arm he already had around her, pulling her closer.

'Don't,' Ty's brain told her even as her body arched into his and she found herself deepening their kiss, 'This is a bad idea.'

She didn't care, she replied to herself, rolling onto her back and pulling Dean on top of her. He paused to flash her that grin of his and her thoughts derailed again. She wrapped both hands around his neck and pulled him down to her, pressing a more insistent, heated kiss against his lips. She didn't understand how he did this to her, made her lose all sense of everything but the two of them. It was insane, really. Maddening. Intoxicating. Addicting.

Yeah, she was screwed.