Alina picked up the dress and walked to the nearest table to place it on it before turning to him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked him; the coldness of her voice momentarily unsettling him. He blinked a few times and sighed briefly but did not let himself be swayed.
"Can we have a word?" he inquired.
"I rather not. I have had a long day and want to go home. If you'll excuse me" and with that she walked back to the room she came from his words stopped her in her tracks.
"I'm sorry about your mother" he said, unexpectedly, and at that moment her entire body stilled. Her eyes welled up and she had to compose herself for a moment before she slowly turned them to him. She could have walked away but she had to ask him; how he had found out. Alina quickly wiped away her tears and slowly turned towards him; forcing herself to remain silent as she wanted nothing more than to jump into his arms; to let him comfort her but she could not. She could not.
"Thank you," she answered briefly. She looked so fragile, so tired and so vulnerable that he had to suppress the impulse to pull her towards him and comfort her. He couldn't help but take a cautious step towards her; to his relief she did not immediately step back.
"How are you doing.?" he asked her in a worried tone and with a compassionate look in his eyes.
"Good" she lied but her voice broke, and tears welled up inside her again. Benedict came closer again, closer, and closer until he was standing in front of her.
"Why didn't you tell me? I... I could have helped you.. comforted you" he said.
After saying the last part of this statement, he finally dared to do what he had wanted to do from the moment he saw her.
To touch her. His hand reached for hers and took it into his. His thumb brushed over her palm in a caress. Both were fixated on their entwined hands and looked at it as if it were the most miraculous thing they had ever seen.
"I wish you had told me" Benedict said again with a soft intonation. She looked up to him and he met her gaze.
He saw that she was on the verge of breaking and was struggling to restrain herself, so he decided for them. For her. And gave them what they wanted; what they needed.
Benedict pulled Alina into his arms and at the first impact Alina let herself go; buried herself on his chest and let her tears flow. He felt relieved; my God it was nice to have her so close once more as if he had found the piece of the puzzle he had been missing for weeks. Complete.
And he felt complete again, no longer indeterminate; and all the doubts; all the arguments that he had kept to himself; to save himself pain that it was better this way; that she could not be the one for him melted away like snow in the sun.
Benedict held her; tightly, as she cried; while he rubbed over her back in gentle strokes with one hand and the other placed on the back of her head; running through her hair with his fingers.
"Everything will be all right, Alina. I will take care of you. I promise you".
She still could not discuss; overwhelmed by emotions and his words did not penetrate her.
"I will have your things collected and then you will come and live with me on Stone Row... There I will give you-".
She pulled back, bereaving him of her touch and instantly so, looking at him in wonder.
"What do you mean by that Benedict? Come and live with you?".
He swallowed the lump in his throat; for the moment had arrived that gave him both hope and dreaded.
"I have a house on Stone Row well... It's not mine; at least not yet but a friend's. He wants to hand it over to me... I saved some of my allowance and made a reasonable amount of money from it. If I take over his flat, you could stay there-"...
Alina watched him with a mixture of disappointment and disbelief, but she did not speak yet and this gave him the courage to continue.
"You will lack nothing; food; clothing... whatever you want. I mean it when I say I want to take care of you".
"What would your wife think?" she asked him after looking at him in silence for a few moments; taking him in; her eyes yet somewhere looking at him desperately one moment; as if she wanted to agree and the next doubting; determined.
"Would she approve of her husband spending time with a different woman? Leading a double-life, pretending to be the doting husband and father of children but betraying her trust every day?".
He couldn't answer her; all he could do was look at her; with a dejected face; hopelessly lost.
"Your silence speaks volumes, Benedict...I.. It is better if you go. Please. I would also like to ask you not to visit me anymore. I don't think you can afford another scandal do you?."
"So, you believe me?."
"Believe what?."
"That I didn't.. set out to marry her. That I had to" he said with a desperate intonation in his voice as he looked at her, willing her to understand and she seemed to be having pity with him, he could tell in her eyes. Yet she backtracked.
"What difference does it make?" she asked him calmly.
"All the difference in the world. It makes all the difference in the world!."
"What's done is done, Benedict. It doesn't matter anymore.."
"You don't mean that."
"I do mean it.. Things have changed, why can't you see that?."
She was right, of course. He knew that too. He was many things but a fool he was not, but his heart contradicted him and ruled over mind.
"So, what now Alina? You're to marry this Tommy Watson fella? Is that the masterplan?".
It took a while for it to sink in as his words completely took her off guard, but he knew; she realised. No idea how likely he was to have engaged someone; it would be the most logical explanation. He had the funds for that, of course. A surge of anger and indignation went through her that she could hardly hide from him.
"Is that why you are here? " she asked in a vexed tone.
"Good guess, sweetheart I am indeed. " he said in an equally irritated manner; yet there was a possessive gleam to the expression in his eyes; bordering on lustful; and it managed to throw her off a little; until her anger took over. She could not believe he had just admitted being come to her place of work because he had found out about her upcoming marriage.
"What exactly did you want to achieve? That I would take you up on your offer? A similar offer which I rejected earlier; may I remind you".
"I don't know but I wanted to give you the option. You don't have to marry if you don't want to."
"How charitable of you but I don't need you to save me."
"I.. I am not saving you.. I am just providing you a .. a way out of- ".
"Getting married? Becoming an honest woman? I'd think that is better than being someone's mistress."
On hearing this, he looked at her, offended and hurt.
"That's not how I see you! I've made that clear to you before!" he yelled.
"Well, that is how it looks to me!" she interrupted. "We've had this discussion before and I've made it clear to you that I have no intention of becoming your, your dirty secret- Don't you get it? I have no other choice... A woman cannot live alone in this day and age.. it is not possible".
"Then you will live with me! Problem solved!" he interrupted in turn, but she shook her head in non-agreeance.
"That is not the world works! At least not the one I live in."
"Right. Right. I am a snob; how could I have forgotten? How could I understand what you're going through he retorted?
"I didn't say that you were a snob but you and I.. We are not the same. You know that so we were only fooling ourselves, didn't want to face reality. But reality is that you are married, and I will be wed soon. I'm going back to the sewing rooms and will be back in 10 minutes. I hope you'll be gone by then".
Alina then turned away from him and wanted to run away from him once more but of course he had to throw a spanner in the works.
"You still love me, Alina. Just like I still love you.." he began as he walked towards her side...
"I know you do. Do you think you can just switch off your feelings? That that is easy? Well; I can tell you-" and he moved closer to her.
"I simply haven't been able to do it. I cannot.." Benedict spoke with a soft intonation.
"No matter how much I try. No matter how much I want to. All I think of is you". He could see that his words were having an effect because he could see it in her; how her whole body tensed up again; how her breath quickened; how her hands trembled.
But she surprised him by turning around to look at him coldly.
"Maybe I lied, Benedict. About me being in love with you. Have you ever thought about that?".
His eyes grew large, in wilderment by the cruelty of her words.
"Maybe I didn't mean anything I said or felt about you. Have you considered that?" she remarked trying to sound determined way, but her voice broke at the end. He looked at her silently for a moment before speaking; and this made her realise that he had not fallen for the lie.
"You are many things, Alina, but a good actress you are not" he said as he positioned himself in front of her her, not too close but certainly not too far either.'
"I'm telling the truth" Alina stated but not in a very convincing way; he could tell.
"I don't believe you" Benedict retorted, all the while piercing through her with her gaze and shaking his head for good measure at the end of his sentence.
He had started to walk forward which meant that she felt compelled to go backwards. Her heart began to beat faster.
"I can't help it if you don't believe me," she accused weakly.
"You looked away when you said it. And even now you have trouble looking at me. Then say it to my face".
It was then that Alina realised she had hit a wall. Immediately Benedict narrowed the distance between them; standing slightly bent over but not touching her. Their chests rose and fell quickly as they realised how close they were, nonetheless.
"Don't lie to me, Alina. Don't."
"I'm not lying..." she argued again unconvincingly.
"Then say it to my face. Look at me and tell me you don't love me" he urged softly.
She did not look at him but stared at everything but his face.
"I am waiting" he said after some silence on her part.
By God, she hoped he would believe it; she had to try to convince him. Alina gathered all her courage and faced him directly, with a stern expression on her face.
"I don't love you."
He took a few deep breaths of disbelief and she wanted to take everything, everything back at the sight of his eyes welling up but she couldn't do it. She had to reject him; he did not understand. He didn't understand how hard it was for her knowing that he would never be hers. He didn't know how much it hurt to see him; the constant reminder that he was married to someone else.
Benedict blinked his eyes a few times and bit his lip briefly; something he did when he felt uneasy.
"So, everything was a lie?" he asked to which she nodded.
"Do tell then what possible motive you had? If it was about money why didn't you ask for it? Why did you reject my offer to come live with me if you wanted to use me? It does not make sense... and you know why not because nothing makes sense".
He had a point there and she didn't know how to respond.
"Maybe I wanted some... some fun; that's what I wanted" she said with an insincere harshness that he could easily see through.
He shook his head in disbelief.
"You're not like that."
"You don't know me."
"Yes I do."
He gazed at her with the same expression as when he saw her at the beginning of their meeting and she hated it when he looked at her like that, disarming, sweet, compassionate, and so much more.
She hated it; because the more he looked at her like that, the harder it became for her to keep her distance.
"Don't look at me like that."
"Like what?" he retorted as he moved towards her again. She did not move.
"Just... how you look at me... like... like I'm someone-"
"Someone I love?" he interrupted bluntly.
"I didn't mean to say that."
"It's the truth though" and once more he gathered closer to her, positioning her in front of him and taking her in.
"Can we please agree that you won't lie to me anymore?" he said with a small smile.
"I haven't-" nut before she could say anything more he had already placed a finger on her lips.
"Sssh. I don't want to hear it."
"But-"
"No" Benedict said as he placed a little more pressure on her lips.
He removed his finger and his gaze changed to looking at her and to her lips
In his eyes there was still some doubt; some restraint but that did not seem to last long because a moment later he closed them; bended his head and claimed her lips. They kissed each other shyly at first, as if they still had to get used to each other; as if too much time had been lost and at the same time they had not. Like the embrace earlier in the evening, it felt familiar as if nothing else existed between them but them now.
They were still a little timid at first but that soon changed. Benedict took hold of her face with one hand, placing the other at her side, and guided her backwards, kissing her. When he reached the wall Benedict lost the little control he had.
He kissed her like there was no tomorrow; on her mouth, then on her neck several times, slowly making his way up her chest, stopping at her collarbone, finally reaching the top of her dress, and overwhelming the exposed skin with wet kisses but that was not enough. Benedict had to feel her.
The moment he cupped her breasts and squeezed them gently was surprising but not undesirable especially as he continued to knead them; gently at first then increasing the pace and tightening his hold on her slightly, all the while staring deeply into her eyes; with lust, with love and a million words communicating in his gaze, unspoken yet clear for her to hear.
She could no longer contain herself either and moaned in heavy, quick breaths repeatedly as he palmed and carressed her. Now that Benedict had felt her he wanted more; much more; he had to taste her.
He slowly untied the lace ribbons of the top of her dress; still showing some restraint as he had the urge to pull on it; so hard that it would tear the garment, but he did not.
The dress was now so loose that he could do what he wanted but it had to be with her permission, he thought. So, he kept looking at her; waiting for her to stop, as he slid one sleeve down. She did not stop him. The other sleeve followed a second later. Her breasts were still covered, though their curves were clearly visible to him.
His gaze flitted upwards, back to her mouth, and he decided to give it the attention it deserved for two reasons. First, it was divine to kiss her; to taste her; and he could do it all day. Secondly, it gave him an opportunity to finally push down her top in a moment that was unguarded for her.
She gasped briefly at the suddenness of it, only to be stirred again a moment later.
Skin contacted skin as his hands cupped her once more and again kneaded her breasts; this time the sensation much more intense and they both moaned simultaneously.
"God I've missed you" he whispered softly as he buried himself in her arms giving himself or both a moment of respite; to breathe again; which was difficult as Benedict was now working on her neck. Her arms were around him; and she let her hands go over, into his hair and down his back.
"I've missed you so... so much" he stated huskily, and it was then that he did what he had wanted to do for ten minutes. He retreated a little, bent downwards and licked her left breast. It caught her off guard, but the pleasure was immediate and intensified as he started to suck, knead, taste her one breast. The other one quickly followed.
He stayed there; for what seemed an eternity. When he stood upwards again his face was just as flustered as hers was, but he didn't relent, now he had gotten this far; his wish to be inside her and quickly for that matter too intensified.
The fingers of his right hand changed their position from chest to upper abdomen to go lower and lower, slowly, exploring her lower abdomen and finally landing between her legs. When he reached that part of her body she jolted upwards, but he held her tightly as he started to rub her there, exactly there, eliciting another gasp, extracting another blissful expression of pleasure from out of her and kept stroking, rubbing, insisting; willing to push her over the edge.
Benedict took a step back to reach under her dress and petticoat for her tights and pulled them down over her knees with a jerk; not wanting to show any patience this time. She was startled, very much so. He immediately regretted it; he was going too fast, and so he looked at her contritely.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to-" he began but his words were cut short as he felt himself impossible to speak.
She had pulled him towards her and embraced him, her fingers holding on to the back of his head. He sighed contentedly and leaned into her, surrendering to her, whispering in her ears.
"I love you Alina".
"I love you too, Benedict" she said after a small interlude, softly and with shaky intonation.
After that there was no stopping them.
Benedict started kissing her again like a madman; forgetting the universe; at the same time loosening her belt. When he had succeeded in doing so, he freed himself of his trousers in one swift movement so that he was now standing in his underwear, his shirt still concealing it.
Benedict proceeded to gently remove removed her undergarment and pushed her dress upwards; instead of removing it all together as it was quite cold in the shop, and he had seen her shivering a few times. He then freed himself of the last obstacle standing between them; he had no time to remove it completely; so, he let the piece of fabric rest just above his knees.
He then finally did grab, lifted her up, put her around her waist, positioned himself and...
"Ahhh" he exclaimed, and a similar sound came from her.
The first thrust was desperate and needy and a little too harsh, yet he couldn't help himself. He felt the desire to be as deep inside of her as he could. The second time he entered he had done it not as harshly yet nonetheless the pleasure was still phenomenal, and he knew that no other woman could affect him as much as she; only she could give him the love and the accompanying bliss that he needed.
Benedict moaned as he entered her body again. He looked at her as he did; as he took her, at her parted lips; at her beautiful face; and watched as she expressed every raptured breath and sound, how her chest rose and fell; her body moved coordinated with his, as if it were made for him and him only.
It was he believed it was. He had started to slowly increase his pace; and his movements became more intense; more desperate to take everything from.
Benedict let himself go and pounded into her hard and relentlessly; making her head spin; and a feeling deep inside her stirred and took over until it reached a climax; and overwhelmed her... She fell apart in his grip; with a garbled sound; and her eyes closed in ecstasy. Benedict too felt that he was close; he pushed into her a couple of times more and surrendered.
When they both came to their senses he let her down gently and her dress fell again. He pulled his underwear back up, but he did not let go completely as he held her but then something happened that he had not counted on.
She stiffened and gently pushed him away; refusing to look at him. She quickly covered herself and wiped away 'the evidence' of their lovemaking with her petticoat. Then she picked up her tights; pants and shoes; she could not, to her shame, pinpoint the moment when they went off again.
"Alina?" he asked her worriedly, her whole demeanour had changed.
"I have to go to the bathroom" she said curtly and left. Once there, she quickly closed the door... It was dark in the bathroom, but she knew where the bucket of water was, and some cotton wipes lay. She wet them and cleaned herself as best she could but then caught her reflection in the mirror and it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on her.
What had she done?. She'd been lucky last time; she'd gotten her period shortly after the first time with Benedict, but she'd made the same mistake again And what was worse... he was married. She had done exactly what she had told herself and him not to do in a fit of insanity.
They had cheated. Both. With each other. How stupid could she be? Oh my God; Tommy! What was she going to tell him?
She walked back to him with trembling legs and saw that he was fully dressed and still looking at her in a worried way; however, her face spoke volumes.
He said nothing; however, as he needed to hear the words from her mouth and waited for her to start. She was staring at the ground more than at him, taking her time to say something; still composing herself. But then her eyes moved upwards and addressed his.
"We shouldn't have done this," she said, shaking her head; he could see that she was horrified, and Benedict wanted to do something about it but the second he moved forward she stopped him by raising her hand.
"I take it that you regret what happened?"
"Yes."
"I don't."
"Well, you should have" she retorted.
"No. I don't regret it. I never will" he stated with a determined tone. She didn't know exactly what to say to that.
"Benedict. I'm sorry but I can't see you anymore. We must not do this again. I want to ask you not to see me again".
"What if I can't? What if I have to see you?".
"You have no choice and neither do I" she spoke, and her emotions took over again and she felt herself tearing up again but once more she refused his consolation.
"Please go...and don't come back", she pleaded.
"Alina..."
"No Benedict! Enough! I can't do this anymore. I want it to stop. Stop it. Go...go to your wife."
Shame came over her. His wife: she was the other woman now and it was the most horrible thing of which she could think. He was silent for a moment as if he himself had just realised what he had done. He was not the first husband to cheat, but he had always resolved not to do it to his wife, since he had hoped to marry for love. Which now was not the case. The woman standing before him was the love of his life, but he had not married her.
It had been impossible but why goddamn it? Why hadn't he said, 'screw conventions, screw society, screw fucking everyone;'?
Why? He could have eloped with her to Gretna Green, married her there, stayed there a couple of months and come back to London with her. The ton would have speculated about the 'mystery wife' but gossip would die down quickly enough.
And his mother would have undoubtedly wanted to kill him but undoubtedly forgiven him and he was stuck. in a dead end.
Foolish Benedict.
"Go, Benedict. Forget me. I hope you'll be happy with your wife". Her tone of voice was flat, even, and overall, just dejected.
Happy... Happy? No way.
"Thank you, but do you mind if I don't wish you the same sentiment? " he spoke annoyed.
"We can still resolve this, please don't be so stubborn. We can go to your house today to pick up your things and-"
"No. We can't do that! No... Listen I'm sorry but... I don't want to do this but if you keep looking for me I will contact Lady Whistledown as an anonymous source and tell her all about you and me".
He gazed at her in shock.
"What?"
"I don't want to do it to your family, but you leave me no choice". She tried to be brave, but her voice faltered.
"You would never -".
"Try me" she interrupted, trying to appear stern and firm.
"I mean it, Benedict."
He continued to stare at her in bewilderment for a few moments. Benedict knew she didn't want to do it; and wouldn't, he didn't believe she wanted to harm his family or him, but this was her last straw. He had pushed and pushed until her reserve finally broke and he hated himself for it.
"Alright" he stated after an interlude of reflection. He was hurting her. This was hurting her. HE had to stop.
"I won't... bother you anymore. I'm sorry for dropping by...".
She just nodded; somewhere relieved that her little plan had worked and somewhere feeling miserable, as if someone had punched her hard in the stomach.
"But know this... I am certain... that our paths will cross again. And I will wait for that... however long it takes".
He glanced at her a few more times before putting on his coat and walking to the door. Before he left he looked back one more time; as if to capture her memory, opened the door and left.
It was too late to go home. Well, he could go home but he didn't want to, so instead he went to his parents' house; although he sent word home that he would be spending the night somewhere else. Sleep would be hard to come by tonight, but the familiarity of his old room would help even though he unfortunately had to listen to Colin snoring in the next room. But first he wanted to sit in the garden somehow; just to think about tonight's events.
He had expected that nobody would be in the garden at this hour, but he instinctively recognised the figure sitting on the swings.
"Eloise Bridgerton... What are you doing here? It's way past your bedtime" he joked, almost whispering so as not to frighten her but apparently it was not soft enough. She looked up, startled, and in the process let the unlit cigarette fall from her grasp.
"Christ Benedict! You scared the life out of me!."
"Sorry" he said with a heartfelt laugh; somehow he had managed to smile; even though today had been disastrous but Eloise had that effect on him. She made him laugh.
"Shh... Be quiet! Do you want mother to wake up? She'll kill me if she sees me with a cigarette in her hand... Not very lady like" and Eloise rolled her eyes in disapproval.
"Not very lady like indeed.. So can I have one of your cigarettes?" he
She smiled and pointed to the empty swing beside her. A few instances later, brother and sister were sitting next to each other, smoking.
"What are you doing here if you don't mind me asking? Shouldn't you be with your wife?" she asked to which Benedict gave her a wry smile.
"I suppose so."
"But you are here instead."
"Yes"; he said dejectedly.
"I understand" said Eloise after some silence on her part.
"What?" asked Benedict to her.
"Why don't you want to go home".
"Oh really? Tell me."
Eloise then thought that she should have said nothing, and a slight sense of dread filled her temporarily. This was noticed by her brother who felt that he should intervene quickly.
"I know you don't like her, Eloise. It's all right if you don't. I won't hold it against you.
At this, Eloise took a sigh of relief and yet she felt guilty somewhere inside.
"It's... not... that I don't... like her. She's somewhere pretty... charming -".
"Eloise..."
"Okay. Fine. I don't like her."
"I know" replied Benedict amusedly.
"She made Mary cry the other day.
"Mary? The servant?" and Eloise nodded.
"No matter how many times she tried; Eleanor was not satisfied with the way Mary poured her tea and the way it was prepared. She wanted one lump of sugar and some slices of lemon but every time the tea was either too sweet or too sour and she was constantly reprimanded by Eleanor; that she was doing it wrong. I tried to intervene but at one point Mary broke down in tears and walked away. She has never run away, Benedict. Also... she tries every time to introduce me to some relative at a ball, to hook me up I presume; no matter how many times I said I didn't want to. I danced compulsively with her cousin Lewis; whom I spotted checking out my chest a couple of times. Subtle of course but I saw it. The rest of her family is equally. nice as she is, especially her brother; I don't trust him at all; there is something calculated in his demeanour, and I don't appreciate the way he regards me either".
Benedict remained silent for a moment and thought about the course of action.
"I will talk to her about it; if you don't want her family members bothering you then I must say something about it".
"Oh God no Benedict, I don't want to cause trouble between the two of you. Please don't say anything... It's nothing really... I'll sort it out with mother; I've already asked her to come and 'rescue' me next time. Even she's not keen on the Shelby family, and that's saying something, since she tells me she's afraid I'll become an old spinster," Eloise concluded with a smirk.
"Okay then, I won't say anything," Benedict stated to Eloise's relief, but her brother remained silent for a long time.
"Benedict?"
"Hhm?" he said, putting his focus back on her.
"Are you alright? The last few weeks you've been behaving differently... You don't talk much anymore when we're all together".
Benedict wanted to answer her that it wasn't going well. Wanted to tell her everything but couldn't; so, he forced a smile and spoke.
"I am dearest sister. Truly.."
Eloise didn't believe him but let the subject rest. Brother and sister remained seated for a while before heading upstairs, to their respective rooms.
As predicted, Benedict could not sleep but when he did, he dreamt of her. He dreamt of her wearing a wedding dress and holding a bouquet. She smiled as she headed towards him, and he wished the dream would last forever.
Sadly, he woke up.
A/N
I AM THE WORST WRITER OF SMUT. I hate it.
I debated long and hard if Benedict and Alina should make the 'mistake;' part of me wanted to make her push him away last minute but I did not. Anywhoo. Sorry for the drama in this and if you find Benedict annoying, I understand. FYI: there WILL be time jump in this in the upcoming chapters, but I do not know when. I took historical and creative liberties when it comes to Alina's clothing (laces) and what not so please overlook that and the stupid grammatical errors. I REALLY QUICKLY went through my spell check since it is past two over here so I will do some rewriting at another time. See you next time.
