"I can't marry you, Tommy... I'm sorry" she said as she lowered her head.
"I beg your pardon?" he asked her unhappily as he understood to what she was referring to. Initially, he had been pleased to spend time with her but her facial expression indicated that the reason for this meeting would be less pleasant.
Oh God. She was the greatest shrew on earth.
It was busy in the little tea shop where they had arranged to meet, so it was not the best place to meet, but on the other hand it did not seem appropriate to her to go to the Watson's bakery and tell him so.
"Why not?" he asked her after a few moments of silence. Why not? How could she answer that? Because I'm in love with someone else, because no matter how many times I try not to think about him I still do. Because I haven't been honest with you and it's not like me at all to be like that; so sneaky; so, lying. Because I can't lie to you any longer...
But she remained silent and could not answer. He took a deep breath and addressed her while she was still admiring her worn-out shoes, which she would have to replace one of these days.
"There's someone else, isn't there? " he asked. At that statement she looked at him with wide eyes; of course, the correct conclusion was the one he could draw but even then she felt caught somewhere. She was unable to answer but at the same time her face spoke volumes. When she had finally composed herself she only nodded; briefly and turned her face away from him just after that.
"There was someone yes." She felt Tommy's gaze burn on her, but he said nothing for a small while.
"Was?"; he asked with raised eyebrows.
"I'm not in touch with him anymore" she replied.
"So, who is he if I may ask?" Tommy wanted to know, his tone a bit snappy.
"I can't tell you" she replied shaking her head.
"Why? Because you need to protect him?" asked Tommy irritated.
"No, that's not it, believe me -" but even before she could finish the sentence he interrupted her.
"You sure about that? I personally don't think you should protect someone like him. Let me guess, Alina... Upper-class jerk who promised you all sorts of things but then dropped you like a stone after he.. got want he wanted, am I right?"
A few heads turned in their direction to her embarrassment, and a few people now seemed to be intently following the conversation.
"Let's go outside" said Tommy as he stood up, emptied his cup of tea, and headed towards the till to pay. Then he walked back to Alina, and they left together.
It was a cold but sunny day. They had gone to the harbour and walked along the non-industrial part of it, looking out at the ships, well especially Alina, who was still very embarrassed. They walked in silence... too full of thought to talk; until Tommy spoke up again.
"You don't have to tell me his identity if you don't want to. However, I would like you to explain it to me, Alina. I don't want to say I'm entitled to that, but it would give me the opportunity to understand"; he said his voice a little softer this time.
"He... I don't believe he had any intention of using me... He wasn't like that" she began, with a weak argument because it probably seemed in Tommy's eyes that this was the classic story of the rich son who abuses his 'lesser' in society.. And she understood why he would think so; she would have thought so too... but Benedict was not like that. Was he?
"Oh, come on Alina" cried Tommy now annoyed again.
"Don't you think I know his kind. Do you think you're the first naive woman to fall for the charms of a rich man who promises you all sorts of things so that you want to jump into-"?
"Tommy Watson!" she yelled angrily.
"If I were you I wouldn't finish that sentence. If you do, I'm out of here" she said fiercely. He could see that she meant it, so he backtracked and quickly apologised, realising that he had gone too far.
"I apologize but what I don't get is.. Of all the women in the world... I would never have thought that someone as smart as you, Alina... would let herself get into this sitation," he said, and it wasn't a nice statement but there was some truth in it. The relationship had totally set the always controlled and collected Alina, of course and however much she hated it, Tommy was right. She wasn't someone that did these types of things; this wasn't true to her nature, and she was ashamed of it.
She was ashamed that she let herself get so carried away in it; that she had not stopped things sooner when she should have. She should have switched off her feelings; not got into that damned carriage with him that day but the damage was done. And now all that was left was a broken heart.
(Writers note: reference to our Dutchy Song festival win "Arcade". "A broken heart is all that's left, I am still fixing up the cracks.. omg *cries*).
They walked on in silence, idly watching the seagulls fly over their heads, and Alina would have given anything to be one of them so she wouldn't have to witness this conversation.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lie to you... When you asked me to marry you, we were already separated. I saw him recently for the last time, but I assure you, it is over now.".
She stopped moving; turned around and looked at him contritely.
"I feel terrible; I do. you are so sweet and kind Tommy. Any woman would be lucky to have you" she said as tears ran down her face.
"Anyone but yourself you mean" he said with a sad smile. She saw the pain in his gaze and felt even more miserable for hurting him.
"You deserve someone that will be good to you, Tommy. Someone that loves you".
"Right.. but that person can't be you if I am correct" he asked while looking into her eyes and waited for a response yet her enduring silence to this conclusion told him enough.
"I think it's best if we return" he suggested after a while of being lost in his thoughts, processing her words as they started to make their way back.
"I uhm.. understand that it is none of my business but what are you going to do now?", Tommy inquired as they slowly headed back.
"I think I'll go to my uncle after all as I must clear out the house soon; the landlord wants to rent it to someone else. I don't mind... there are too many memories. I've added up all my savings and I'll have enough to rent a room for a few weeks. My uncle doesn't have the space to take me in. I am thinking about working in a factory there or resume my job as a seamstress. I don't know exactly; guess I'll have to figure things out when I get there."
"I see" replied Tommy in a dejected tone and then the two didn't speak until they were home, in Alina's street. There he asked her when she thought about leaving, gazing at her intently for what would be the last time in his life. God... This was going to hurt. Not seeing her again; knowing she was far away with another. He also knew it had been too good to be true; that she had agreed; he knew she had had reservations, but he was willing to try, to be patient with her.
Naive as he was, Tommy had hoped that she would learn to love him; could see that he would be a dear husband to her, and a dear father to their children. But a little voice deep inside him alerted him that she remained distant; when he wanted to touch her; she stepped back. He hated himself for that; he just needed to be more patient with her, but it was hard; to know that she was going to be his fiancée and not act. Not wanting to kiss her. Not wanting more. However, it was all but a dream; a facade and Tommy knew too that somewhere he should be grateful to her for the truth, but it was a painful pill to swallow.
"As soon as possible I think," she replied in a soft voice.
"I suppose that would be most suitable thing to do," he absentmindedly remarked.
"Please forgive me Tommy. For everything. I didn't mean to hurt you" she said as she turned towards him.
"I know. I don't think you have it in you to be so heartless but it's just that" and he sighed deeply before he resumed speaking.
"I really liked you. I really did," (this was a false statement; he was head over heels in love with her).
"I wanted nothing more than to start our lives together, but I suppose it is not to be and it is better to find out now than later. I am grateful for your honesty.. Not going to lie I am saddened by all of this, but I will be fine eventually. Don't worry," (another big lie).
"All I can do now.. is wish you all the best. I hope you will be happy, Alina. I mean that."
He brought a hand gently to her cheek and let it rest there for a moment, trying to make a mental note for later, how her face looked, not that he would ever forget it.
"Take care of yourself, alright?" he said in a voice filled with emotion.
"I will" she answered, finding it hard not to cry but composing herself last minute.
"Goodbye Alina," he stated softly before pulling his hand away, taking a few steps back and leaving her behind. Her eyes followed him until she couldn't do anymore and when that happened, she opened the door and entered her home.
Madame Delacroix looked at her in amazement; as if she had just seen a ghost. They were in her office and Alina had asked for a chat.
"Excuse me... Could you repeat your last sentence please?".
"I must unfortunately terminate my employment here. I will be leaving London shortly".
"I thought you were getting married Alina" said Genevieve with furrowed brows "and that your husband-to-be had no objection to you going to work". Tommy had indeed not; it was not usual for a woman in the Watson family to work after she had married, but she had discussed this with Tommy, who had not objected. His mother, however, had commented that she hoped "Alina would not neglect her duties as wife and housekeeper" but had not mentioned anything more about it.
"I have broken off my engagement..." she replied. Genevieve then looked at her attentively for a long time before sharing her conclusion with Alina.
"Let me guess.. Because of Benedict?" Genevieve asked.
Alina did not speak but the answer was clear. Genevieve dropped into her chair with a sigh and shook her head, thinking for a long time.
"Listen. I respect your wishes as it is your life, and I can't say anything about it", Genevieve remarked.
"That said... you do put me in an awkward position. The ball season will commence in a few weeks, and I already have several commissions pending, customers who have booked us because of your... expertise. So, I'll be honest with you; I'm not happy about you leaving", Genevieve stated with a frown before thinking deeply and being quiet because of that for a few moments.
"I may have the perfect solution. Upstairs on the third floor there is a room which I hardly use apart from storing the unsold dresses when they accumulate in the shop. You could stay there provided you keep the room clean, of course. It's not a large accommodation but there is enough space for a bed and a few of your belongings. You can put a small stove there if you want though of course you must watch out for any potential fire hazards. Furthermore, you can continue to use the current bathrooms. I am aware that this is not the most ideal living situation, but it could help you out for the time being. If you agree with my suggestion I can deduct the amount you owe me for the rent from your salary but compared to what you would pay for a room here elsewhere in London, it won't be as costly. What do you think?".
Alina was stunned and knew nothing to say. A feeling of gratitude overtook her, and she had to do something to hold back her tears.
"Tell you what. Think about it and let me know in a couple of days. Until then; don't make any hasty decisions and for the love of God, stay in London".
Alina nodded in agreement.
"Great. Now if you don't mind.. Eliza Pritchett is coming by in a short while for her wedding dress fitting; I would like you to help her and manage the alterations later. ".
"Yes Madam" replied Alina meekly and she gave Genevieve a solemn smile and then made to leave but as she reached the door a question and a question she had to ask overtook her. So, she turned and addressed her employer who regarded her curiously.
"Is there anything else?" Genevieve wondered.
"No.. Just that.. You are always... so nice to me... even though... perhaps you shouldn't be", referring to the fact that they had both had a relationship with Benedict.
Another woman, who might not have been as confident as Genevieve; might have hated Alina, seen her as competition but Genevieve was not like that. Besides, she had never had any real feelings for Benedict; had only enjoyed spending time with him. That was it really.
How could Alina know that Genevieve could not have feelings for anyone else than the one man who whom she would always love, who had died a few years back. Alec. Her Alec. She knew that even if her heart ever opened again, she would never love anyone as much as him, whom she was going to marry, build a life with, but fate decided otherwise, as he fell ill and died less than a year later. The love of her life; passed away leaving her alone, heartbroken, and bereft. She had felt crushed for months and to survive; to not die every day from the pain; she had taken upon a front; a nonchalant air about things; a 'carefree' disposition; which she also applied when it came to her relationships.
These relationships she entered for sex; yes indeed sex, she did not intend to join the convent now but there were never any feelings involved. Genevieve did not allow it. Benedict had been charming and good in bed, and she had had an enjoyable time with him but that was it. He could not charm her or her heart; because deep down in this heart of hers she knew that the one who could do that had already been buried for a long time, the love of her life was no longer there and there would be none like him.
The second part of her actual reason for being nice to Alina had to do with the fact that she liked her, as an employee but also as a person. She worked faithfully and did an excellent job, didn't gossip about her boss; (Genevieve knew very well that her staff liked to talk about her escapades and had often caught them gossiping) but Alina never took part in it. She just kept sowing and consistently made quality garments without complaining. Genevieve respected her work ethic and grew to like the quiet but friendly Alina.
Her only regret was that she should have warned Alina, but she did not want to interfere as it was not her place, of all people, to draw Alina's attention to her relationship. She wished now that she had warned Alina carefully because she saw the effect of the broken relationship and how hurt Alina was by it. Fuelled by pity, Genevieve had had a heart-to-heart with Benedict when he was in the shop last time; and had scolded him for his behaviour.
"Purely selfish reasons; I don't want to lose my best employee" Genevieve said, replying to Alina's question.
"Now please get back to work. The Pritchett's will be here in half an hour, I will call you when they arrive."
"Yes, Madam," Alina said and then left to go to the sewing room.
Benedict sat staring ahead, completely oblivious to the chatter in the dining room. His wife and her brother were busy talking; Richard's wife seemed to be copying Benedict's behaviour quite a lot as she did not seem to be quite there either. His musings were interrupted by the shrill laughter of his wife, who was responding to an altercation between her and her brother. No doubt Richard was telling her something, some salacious gossip about one of the occupants of the barrel. If Benedict did not know better he would think that his brother-in-law was none other than Lady Whistledown herself but 'knowing' Richard, Benedict knew that he lacked the diligence to do so.
He was a man very keen on pursuing his pleasures, especially and whenever Benedict; or someone in his family broached a subject that was less than interesting to Richard, he was quick to complain about the dull conversation and change the subject. This led to neither Colin nor Anthony liking him much, they tolerated him but that was that too. Anthony was less than delighted to hear that Richard had inquired of his wife about the genesis of Anthony's and Mara's relationship (writer's note: See my story "Last Chance: A Tale about Anthony Bridgerton". Even less happy was he to ask that Richard, in an unguarded moment, had asked Mara if she had been the betrothed of Henry Carrington prior to meeting Anthony.
Richard was tolerated but that was all. In any case, he did not have to receive an invitation from the Viscount & Viscountess. There was something sinister about him; when he looked at you, he seemed to want to fathom you and know your secrets; which annoyed and unnerved Colin. Colin had just entered a courtship with Penelope Featherington and Richard speculated about the death of the patriarch Featherington with him; something Colin could not and would not say anything about. Overall, Richard Shelby was not a popular figure in Bridgerton's circles and truth be told, Eleanor wasn't much either.
Eloise for one made it a sport to avoid her as she often had to 'accidentally' visit Penelope each time. His mother had refrained from comment Benedict swore that a few times he had seen his mother frowning at the way Eleanor treated the servants. Violet had dropped some subtle hints that Eleanor seemed to notice, and she adjusted her behaviour accordingly, with or without a pout on her face.
The past two months seemed to have passed in a blur for him. From one moment to the next he was married, to someone he hardly knew. His days were now filled with getting to know the Shelby's but also attending several 'dinner parties' that had been organised on his wife's behalf. Eleanor was even planning to organise a ball next season; Benedict had to remind her of this; because this ball would be better organised by his eldest brother and sister-in-law, also because they did not have the financial means.
Eleanor had objected; suggesting that her dowry had been of such a size that they could use it for this, but Benedict was against it. He wanted to spend as little of Eleanor's money as possible; his own allowance was sufficient for the moment, especially since Anthony had increased it. That did not mean, however, that they could live lavishly. Eleanor had initially sputtered some more but let the subject rest eventually.
So tonight, they were guests of Richard Shelby and his. peculiarly silent wife: not that she could say anything because Richard spoke for two people already. Or three.
"Extremely amusing" Eleanor said at something Richard had whispered into her ears and then turned to her husband, looking at his plate.
"Benedict; my love. I see you haven't eaten much. Don't you like the meal?" she said with a sweet smile. Benedict blinked for a moment, pulled out of his ponderings, and didn't answer right away.
"No, the food is delicious. Compliments to your cook, Richard. I'm just... I'm just not that hungry today" Benedict said politely. Richard offered him a brief smile but did not seem entirely convinced.
"Glad to hear that but I feel like apologies are in order."
"Whatever for?" Benedict frowned.
"Me and Eleanor have been bad table guests as we have been so deep in conversation the entire night. Then again I don't see her as often as I used to; so, we have some catching up to do" Richard reasoned. This was not entirely true.
Eleanor had recently received Richard at her home and had complained to him about the state of her early marriage. Benedict cared little for her, even in the bedroom, and preferred to sleep apart, which was conventional, if it were not for the fact that the husband was supposed to 'visit' his wife at night, but he did not. Apart from the wedding night the two had not been together in that respect and Eleanor tried to seek advice from her brother.
"I think he's still in love with her... The one who was mentioned in Lady Whistledown's column. That cursed wench, whoever she is".
"Does it matter though? It was obvious she was a nobody otherwise, he would have married her wouldn't he? You are overreacting a bit, my dearest sister. Be patient; you have already won the prize. Don't forget that. You must give him time to get used to you. but perhaps you should... use your charms a little more."
"What do you mean by that?" asked Eleanor. Oh.. as clever his little sister was there were times she could be a tad dense, Richard thought.
"I mean that nothing stops you going to his room at night. You could pay a visit to Madame Bourdon in the nearest future. I have heard, well seen rather that her lingerie is quite exceptional" said Richard with a sneaky smile.
Eleanor grinned and gave her brother a playful slap on the shoulder.
"Richard Shelby. You are incorrigible".
"That I am", Richard answered with a smile. That had been a few days ago.
Benedict looked at the clock and saw that it was getting late and suggested that they could skip dessert. Eleanor was not very happy about this, but she quietly agreed. The farewell was brief and once Benedict was in the carriage home he felt relieved.
"Did you have an enjoyable time?" asked Elanor to make conversation, although she knew very well that he had not.
"Yes, of course," said Benedict.
Silence.
"I know you were only being polite... I didn't like the food either" continued Eleanor.
"His new cook is not particularly good," she commented but she might have been talking to a brick wall.
Benedict did not respond to this statement. He also knew that ignoring his wife was not nice, but no matter how many times he wanted to make conversation, his thoughts went to her repeatedly. To Alina. To the last time he had seen her; had been allowed to touch her; had kissed her hand; had made love to her and how good it felt. How good it had felt to be allowed to love her again; to taste her, to touch her olive-coloured skin with his hands and lips; to run his fingers over her body as if nothing had ever happened. As if they were still together and for a moment it had felt like that until reality caught up with them and the illusion shattered.
The current state of affairs reminded them that he was married, and she was intending to. The carriage arrived at the newlyweds' house, and they got out and walked towards the door in silence. However, Benedict remained standing at the door and did not enter; much to Eleanor's initial astonishment.
"I think I'll go to the club for a while... I hope you don't mind" stated Benedict, looking a little uncomfortable.
Eleanor certainly did mind but then remembered her brother's words. Patience. She had to be patient with him. Fine, she would behave like the charming wife for a few more days, weeks, although this was beginning to irritate her.
"Of course not," she lied.
"Don't wait up for me... Goodnight" he wished and with that he bent her forward and kissed her dutifully on the cheek before he left, leaving an inwardly seething Eleanor behind.
Benedict was slumped in a leather armchair; a cigar in his hand and a glass of whiskey in the other, staring dejectedly ahead until he heard steps and looked up to see who was approaching him. He looked at the person who was approaching him and asked if he could accompany him. Benedict pointed to the empty chair next to him and Simon Hastings took a seat, looking at him curiously.
"Long time no see, Benedict " Simon greeted as he beckoned to the waiter for a glass of whiskey.
"Likewise, Simon... It has indeed been a while since I have seen you both but that is mainly because you and Daphne have been staying in the countryside for a while now."
"That's true... But I distinctly remember that we sent an invitation to the two of you to visit us, which you declined... However, something tells me that your spouse knew nothing of our invitation". Benedict looked at Simon briefly; bit his lip (which he normally did when he felt uncomfortable) and took a sip of his drink.
"How's Daphne?" he asked, changing the subject and Simon gave him a broad smile.
"Good, excellent even... Listen, we still have to tell the family, but your sister is expecting."
"Really, that is wonderful news, Simon. Congratulations! I am looking forward to becoming an uncle." Benedict cheerfully exclaimed.
"Yeah, or maybe you won't have to wait long for the tapping of baby feet" remarked Simon innocently. Benedict's face twisted and Simon knew he had made a wrong remark.
"Maybe" said Benedict anyway.
"Listen Benedict" Simon started after a while.
"Are you alright? I am aware that this wedding took you by surprise but we're two months on and you still seem in shock. Nothing like yourself. Anthony also married someone he didn't know very well in a hurry, but he seems to be happy... Well, a little less so with his mother-in-law, is it true that she talks so much?".
Benedict laughed and nodded.
"My question is. What is going on?".
Benedict glanced at Simon before deciding that he wanted to tell his brother-in-law the truth, more for his own peace of mind as he needed to talk to someone about it. He hadn't mentioned it again after that one time in Anthony's office. Not with another soul about Alina and it weighed heavily on him; so, he started talking.
"If you want to tell the truth... I will tell you... but please let me finish before you say anything".
Simon gave him an affirmative nod whereupon Benedict told everything. When he had finished Simon sat back and stared in front of him and exhaled deeply.
"I wasn't expecting this to be the issue that is troubling so much if I am honest with you" he began.
"So, you loved her?" he asked.
"I don't think I stopped, Simon," Benedict stated earnestly.
Simon glanced at the man sitting opposite him who, apart from being his brother-in-law, had also become a good friend, and he suddenly felt sorry for Benedict. He was not a particularly gentle man and Daphne had been through a lot with him before she could admit that he was madly in love with her. He didn't like talking about sentimental things and for Daphne he had always chosen head over heart but even this seemed terrible for the always sensible Simon. Loving someone you could not or should not be with seemed to him one of the worst things that could happen to a man.
"I don't really know what to say, Ben. I want to lecture you now because you have been... careless. You should have broken this off earlier or never engaged yourself with her".
"I am aware that I.. I messed up but you see, I couldn't help it. I couldn't help myself.. I.. I.-" and suddenly he wasn't able to finish his train of thought.
"I could condemn you, I could preach even more but if your sister has taught me one thing is that the heart wants what it wants, no matter the consequences.. I uhm. I'm sorry my friend that you must go through this" Simon said as his hand put on Benedict's shoulder.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this" he commented while earnestly looking Benedict into his eyes.
"Thank you. I appreciate that".
"You know what. Next drink is on me, and the one after that too then we'll go home, okay".
Benedict said he thought that was a smart thing to; even though he didn't want to home at all.
Alina had been settled in the small room upstairs for a few days. It was small but somehow cosy and it helped that she no longer lived at 'home', where the memories of her mother overwhelmed her. For the rest, she seemed to be doing well; she threw herself into her work and tried to think as little as possible about him whom she shouldn't think about, although that proved difficult in practice.
"Do I have some gossip to share with you. We all remember that Benedict Bridgerton got married recently right. I know someone who works for them as a maid. According to her, Mr. and Mrs. Bridgerton do not show much in social circles; this while the new ball season is already in full swing. She also states that Mr. Bridgerton is hardly ever at home... Can you believe it? How strange that Lady Whistledown hasn't written about them yet don't you think? It's very strange to me and-".
Emma wanted to ramble on but thank goodness, it was time to stop working so no one was paying much attention to her words, much to her chagrin. Alina also got up and decided to go out for a walk. She had to... do something. The thought of Benedict had made her heartbeat again and she had to go outside, so she kept walking and walking and ended up somewhere she didn't really belong, but she kept walking until she came to a stop with a sigh and saw that she had arrived back at the harbour. A deserted harbour and she was a woman alone. Not very smart, of course. So, she turned around and wanted to hurry back before it got dark. She walked back with firm steps, but she could not seem to go fast enough, her feet dragged.
She was about to turn the corner, glancing at her stupid feet that would not cooperate, until she sensed someone coming towards her.
Alina looked up and...
"What are you doing here?" she asked in a trembling voice as she watched him, taking small steps towards her.
"Are you following me?" she continued.
He shook his head. It had been a pure coincidence that he had to be near the harbour that day on 'business', i.e., fake arrangements to avoid the house, and he had seen her walking along the quay to his surprise. He recognised her form from thousands What was she doing here of all places, at this hour? Benedict ordered the coachman to stop and park somewhere and went after her.
"So, this is a coincidence, surely?".
"Yes. Purely coincidence but I am very happy to see you again if you must know" said Benedict with a smile that made her melt.
"Then that makes you the only one" she lied.
"Really?" he asked in a disappointed voice; and now standing in front of her; taking her in.
"Benedict" she began once again wavering with her voice.
"We can't keep doing this; we can't keep meeting."
"You think I don't know that? Do you think I don't want to? Not to think about you anymore. I want to but it is not possible no matter how much I am trying. I love you. And I can't ignore that. I can't.".
He took a pause before speaking agaimm
"I am trying. I am trying... but I cannot do it I can only think of you. I love you. And I can't ignore that. I can't. ".
The confession had an instant effect. Alina immediately felt a wave of emotions engulfing her and Benedict was trying hard to contain himself; dying to touch her and then he broke.
He lost control.
He took her hand and gently pulled her along, around the corner to a depot that was located behind. There was not a soul to be seen, they were alone and Benedict lost control. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly; then he leaned her against the wall and swooped towards her with his lips, kissing her sweetly and as he did, Alina surrendered once more, to him, because it was inescapable; and her heart said that she loved him; just as much as he loved her and no matter how 'wrong' it was.
A/N:
Ugh there I am again with the writer's note even though I had mentioned two already in the story. Sorry about that. Also sorry for being a sucky writer that has too many works in progress and is now kicking herself for it. I took some creative liberties with the harbour location in London, so bear with me. I initially wanted Alina to marry Tommy.. but I somehow couldn't go through it as I felt bad for him, so I am changing the original story and I do not know why but maybe he'll return. This chapter appears to be a bit jumbled, sorry about that.
