He narrowed the distance between them by coming closer, pressing his body against hers, not taking his mouth off her as he kissed and kissed her, like a desperate man, as if he knew he would never be able to kiss again, as if he knew time was running out. Her body folded into him and once again confirmed that no other woman would 'fit' him well, as if her body were the missing piece of the puzzle he had been searching for all his life. When he touched her right there and she let out a sound that made him melt he knew he had to have her; but not here and so it happened that he reluctantly took his mouth from hers but stayed close, his forehead resting on hers

"Come with me... to my flat" he huskily stated.

She saw something. Benedict was holding her face with both hands; affectionately but out of the corner of her eye something caught her eye. Benedict was holding her face with both hands; affectionately but out of the corner of her eye something caught her eye. A piece of gold wrapped around his finger. The sight of it overwhelmed her and the next moment it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water over her. The sight of it overwhelmed her and the next moment it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of water over her. Last time he had met her he had not had a ring on his finger but now he had, and it was something she could not ignore.

What was she doing? This was not her; someone who slept with a married man even though she had made this mistake before. But not anymore.

He was genuinely surprised when she gently but emphatically pushed him away; leaving him in surprise and he looked at her not understanding until he followed her gaze to his ring finger, and he understood.

"Alina... I-" but she already started shaking her head. He sighed deeply and looked at her with pleading eyes.

"No Benedict. Not this time. You need to go home" she stated softly,

"And then what, Alina? Then what?" he asked as he took another step towards her.

"Should I pretend I never knew you? Should I ignore that I love you? Should you ignore that you love me."

"Yes. Benedict. Exactly that" she replied in an even tone and inwardly he started to panic at the risk of losing her for good.

"But I can't do that! And neither can you because we tried this before, remember... but we can't".

" We must. Why don't you get it? There's no going back. There's no parallel life that you and I could have led. This is it. You're Benedict Bridgerton and I'm Alina Kennedy and that will never change, society is-"

"Fuck society! Fuck SOCIETY!" he yelled in aggravation.

"Do you know how sorry I am? How much I regret every day, every DAMN DAY, not going to Gretna Green with you to marry you there or just here in London. I don't care what people would say, what anyone would say or what it's deemed right. I know what is right. You" and he came closer again and looked deep into her eyes.

"You belong with me and I with you... It's as simple as that" he concluded She swallowed the lump in her throat and avoided his gaze, deliberately but he gently grabbed her jaw and turned her face towards him and placed further gently on her right cheek.

"Listen... I know I don't deserve you. I know that... the situation is not ideal, but the alternative is many times worse, and you can scold him as much as you want but... I can't live without you Alina. I know that deep down and if I would say here that I will never look for you again it would be a lie. A promise I can't make. So, I have bought my friend's flat. You can stay there. You don't have to marry that Tommy. You can stay with me, and I'll take care of you. I will take care of our children and all you have to do is say yes".

She had looked up twice in surprise, once at the mention of Tommy's name and once when she heard 'children'. Children... with Benedict; the thought filled her with such joy only to be overshadowed by reality. Bastard children. They would become bastard children; not acknowledged (officially) than by their father, who always had to remain hidden in the shadows. Like a black stain on a sheet that could not be erased. A stain on Bridgerton's reputation if people found out and she knew she could not do this to her children.

"No, I can't agree to it."

"Why do you have to be so stubborn!" he yelled. "I am offering you an alternative. I want us to stay together, and this is the only way".

"I've told you before that I have no intention of becoming your mistress".

"You're not my mistress and you're not going to be. I don't see it like that."

"How else should I see it? You would be married to her and the moment she must visit her family or something you intend to visit me, am I right? I should just be okay with that? I have to be okay with you sleeping with her as well as me".

"I'm not sleeping with her!" he counteracted.

"And you're telling me you will never sleep with her, ever again? Your marriage will do without children? Does she agree to that too? Or have you not even discussed this? Do you ever speak to her at all? What are you doing here with me? You should be talking to her about your future, not me," Alina remarked coolly. He fell silent; bested by her reasoning, at least for now.

"I have to leave. It is better if we are not seen with each other in company so I will go first".

She made a few steps forward fully intent on walking away and she had passed him too when he grabbed her arm and pulled her back and before she knew it she was back against the wall with Benedict looming over her, his gaze so intense and fiery that she could collapse on the spot like a house of cards, into his arms, if she didn't hold on.

"So" he said as he put his is hand on her waist, firm and emphatic, the feel of it starting to reel her in and make her breathing quicken.

"Tommy gets to touch you and I don't?" he said in an uncontrolled voice as his fingers slowly treaded upwards.

"Is that it?" he remarked as his hand was now perilously close to her breasts, hovering under it...

"You talk about you having to be okay with me sleeping with another woman, but I have to be okay with another man" and at right then and there, he cupped one; "touching you in places that belong to me. To me, Alina," stating the last words with emphasis as Benedict cupped both of her breasts now and started to rub over them. Her body tried not to respond but did and he could see her briefly close her eyes in rapture.

"Where is your fiancée, anyway? Why is he letting you walk around alone?" he asked bitterly.

"That's none of your business" she said in a pinched voice which didn't quite come across as credible and how could it be because he still had a firm grip on her; right there and it was hard to concentrate when Benedict was touching her the way he was right now.

"When were you going to get married again?" he followed up but he received no answer and in his head the wheels started turning. His informant/private detective had said that she would be getting married within a week but quite a bit of time had passed since then. A thought passed through him like a bolt of lightning, and he knew instinctively that he was right.

"You're not going to are you?" he concluded, and Benedict watched the effect of his words on her face, how her eyes widened, and mouth fell open and that was confirmation enough for him.

She could not say anything. Whatever she said would be a lie and thus she kept silent and watched as a big smile appeared on Benedict's face.

"That's.. good to know" he said with a smile. He lifted his head to; edging a bit closer and changing his 'grip' to her forearms which he held with both hands.

"Why didn't you marry him?" he wanted to know.

"And tell me no lies, Alina. I've already told you that you're a lousy actress," he joked, whereupon she looked at him angrily for a moment before lowering her gaze and replying.

"Tommy is a nice boy" she started but she did not elaborate further so he had to press on.

"What does that mean?."

"It means that deserves better than me... Someone... someone who loves him" she argued. Benedict nodded. This was certainly true. Everyone deserved somebody that loved them. Even Tommy.

"And you obviously can't do that because you already love me" he resonated bluntly. She hadn't expected him to say it so openly. She glared at him but to her annoyance he just started grinning once more with that stupid, beautiful handsome face of his.

"What? It is the truth. You can't deny with the truth," Benedict cheerfully quipped, trying not to laugh.

"Where are you staying now?" he wanted to know.

"I know you don't live at your old address anymore."

"How did you find that out?" she asked him in surprise.

Benedict knew this because he had recently had Thawes, who had found her address, visit her and had seen that a family now lived there and in any case not Alina.

"That's irrelevant" he answered quickly. She looked at him suspiciously but didn't elaborate.

"Where are you staying, Alina?" Benedict inquired.

"Somewhere, I live somewhere" she curtly replied.

"You know I will find out anyway" he said to which she rolled her eyes but still refused to tell him anything. Suddenly a thought crossed Benedict's mind, as Thawes had told him he had found 'no registration' as in tenants living in the vicinity on her name; not so crazy in a busy city like London but then it hit him.

The little room upstairs. With Genevieve. That was where she stayed, and he was 100% sure.

"What?" she asked him curiously.

"Is it cosy living at Genevieve's?" he asked with a grin.

Her mouth fell open in surprise and he knew enough.

"You didn't go very far, did you?" he concluded with satisfaction.

"Apparently not, no" she sighed.

"Benedict... I must go, it's getting late" and just at that moment her stomach growled.

"Alright. Allow me to take you home... and to get you you some food for you on the way since you are... hungry" he said with a smile.

"Fine" she said with slight reluctance as she didn't particularly see the need to walk home.

They walked slowly back to the carriage, Sophie a few steps behind him, at her own request not his. When they arrived at the coach, he took his seat first, but she quickly sat down before looking around her, suspicious that someone might see her. The coachman gave the order to depart and a few minutes later they were driving through London. They stopped somewhere for a savoury pie that Alina and Benedict eagerly ate as he had missed dinner too. After consuming their pies, they set off again making their way through the busy streets.

While doing Alina sat back tight; afraid that someone would see her through the window even though it was pitch dark.

"Relax" suggested Benedict, taking her hand and squeezing it briefly. She looked at him; sighed and seemed to relax a little and fortunately did not withdraw her hand. She looked out of the window at the horde of people outside, smiling; at the prosperous families running around with their offspring in tow. A thought occurred to her; Benedict would also be walking around here with HIS family in a year of two. With his wife. And certainly not Alina.

She withdrew her hand to his reluctance, and he watched her touch it but did not speak to her.

The coachman had been instructed to take the extra-long route because the journey didn't seem to be going very well and the traffic was hell but that was always the case in London. She was still staring out of the window, lost somewhere in thought. The moment he said her name brought her out of her reverie and she turned her gaze to him.

"What if I request an annulment?". It was a question that genuinely surprised her, and she looked at him carefully to see if he meant it. His face was serious, he indeed meant it, and somewhere in her hope bubbled before she was confronted with reality again. If that happened, she knew that Benedict and her wife would be a social pariah for the near future, since divorce/annulment was almost unheard of. If you married, it was forever, so she shook her head.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Benedict" she replied evenly.

"Let me consult with my barrister at least," he argued.

"No use. I already know what he's going to say. He's going to point out to you that there would be a scandal, unprecedented scandal, and that in the best interests of both of you it will be wiser to stay married. It is best if we cease contact for good"

"You can forget about that. NO. That is not going to happen" he replied, the stubborn mule.

"Look let me try, okay. There's no harm in discussing it and who knows, things may have changed now in terms of legislation. Times are changing after all".

She looked at him and saw how determined he was, and it was no use arguing with him, stubborn as he was.

"I don't see how the outcome is going to differ but do what you want."

He got a big smile on his face upon hearing these words.

"Good. Then I'll let you know as soon as possible". She sighed and shook her head in disbelief, but it didn't bother him. The carriage arrived at Madame Delacroix's shop, and it was time to say goodbye.

"You'll hear from me then." She only nodded, in disbelief, but then again. Benedict felt happy there was finally a way out of this misery. There was a chance. A small chance, but still a chance. He took her hand and gave it a quick kiss before she left and looked at her sweetly.

"Good night, my love" he said before she turned and got out.

The next few days were filled with visiting his barrister. He explained that the best option was an annulment but warned of the consequences, including a scandal and the fact that a divorce would cost him dearly. He checked with his accountant, but he was told the endeavour would be expensive and Benedict's resources, as a second son, would not be sufficient. So, Benedict had no other option but to ask for money elsewhere, even though he did not want it and especially not from this person who had to provide it, but it had to be done.

It was a drizzly evening when Benedict arrived at the house of his brother, the Viscount on Leicester Street. The butler received and said that Anthony was in his study and that he would announce Benedict.

Soon Benedict stepped into his eldest brother's room and found him slumped in his chair, holding in his hand not the first or last whiskey of the evening.

"Little brother. Welcome" said Anthony as he raised his glass.

"Would you like some?" he asked, pointing to the whiskey to which Benedict declined.

"Sit down. What can I help you with?"

"How do you know I need your help?" Anthony shrugged and smiled briefly but there was sadness in his eyes.

"Big brother instinct shall we say. Well don't be shy now, do share your sorrows with me," Anthony said his words slightly slurring. He could still think reasonably but he was obviously a bit buzzed.

"I will but you go first" offered Benedict as she saw a troubled eldest Bridgerton sitting across of him.

"Very well" began Anthony.

"I've seem to have misplaced my wife, but you already knew that so it's old news I guess" and with that said, Anthony took a sip of his whiskey.

(Writer's note: the above is a reference to 'Last Chance; another story of mine where Anthony is married to one Mara Kensington).

"You'll find her. She'll be back." replied Benedict though somewhere he also began to wonder where his sister-in-law was and why she had not returned.

"I'm not so sure about that. She doesn't want to be found so it seems".

"Have faith. She will return, I am sure of it.".

"I am not to be perfectly honest but.. enough about me. Tell me what is the reason for this visit".

Benedict hesitated at first but then began to tell. About how miserable he was. About how he missed Alina, every day and how much he loved her. About how he knew he had made a mistake, no matter how kind and lovely she was, that he did not love his wife. That apart from the wedding night he had not made love to her and even when he had, it felt wrong. And finally, that he knew his marriage had to end. Benedict explained that he did not want to hurt anyone and was aware of the scandal that would follow. And finally; that he needed money and that he wanted to ask this from Anthony, but he had no other choice.

Anthony rubbed his eyes a few times and ran his hand through his hair after hearing Benedict's plea.

"Are you sure, Ben?" he asked after a while.

"Yes."

"You know there'll be a huge scandal when the news gets out, especially if it gets into that wretched Lady Whistledown rag?" .

"I am aware."

"And what about mother? You know this will hurt her right?".

Yes Benedict knew that, and he knew that she would certainly not be able to find herself under the barrel for a while and he now realised that this would also not exactly affect the reputation of his younger sisters, who had yet to marry (although Benedict suspected that Eloise would not be doing so for a long time). Benedict would also have to pay back the dowry of Eleanor; it was a good thing he had not done anything with it until now.

Despite all his reasons, however, he knew he had to do it.

"My question to you? Is it worth it? Is she worth giving up everything, Benedict? You know you won't be living in London, at least for a while".

"That's fine, I like the countryside better than you do by the way", Benedict stated referring to his brother's love for Aubrey Hall.

"But let me ask you a counter-question. Wouldn't you do the same for Mara, Anthony?".

Anthony sighed wistfully, thinking again of his wife.

"Sorry I shouldn't have reminded you of that" said Benedict quickly, realising his mistake but Anthony shook his head.

"It's okay, it's okay" he repeated to no one as he was lost in thought for a moment...

"Alright" said Anthony after a while.

"I'll help you but um... I suggest you tell your wife... and mother too" he said.

"I will" and with that both Bridgertons stood up. Anthony looked intently at Benedict with an expression that he could not immediately perceive; it was something Anthony was good at, hiding his feelings at least outwardly.

"My apologies, Benedict."

"For what?" asked Benedict in surprise.

"For changing your mind, weeks ago. I should have helped you; found a solution, take you seriously. We could have talked to the Shelby's though I think in all honesty it would have made little difference to them but... we could have tried. Anyway, I'm sorry I underestimated your feelings for her. I didn't... not happy to see you unhappy these past few weeks, so... unhappy, so I'm sorry, Ben."

Benedict let the words sink in for a little while before walking over to his brother and hugging him.

"It's alright, Anthony. You're helping me now".

"I will do my best", Anthony promised.

It was late when Benedict returned. He had expected his wife to be long asleep so the moment he stepped into the hall and saw her he was upset for a moment.

"Eleanor... Good evening."

"Good evening..I'm glad to see you. That's not common lately" said Eleanor and immediately he felt a feeling of guilt bubbling up inside. Okay, she had surprised him badly at the ball and the consequences had been dire, but he could imagine how it would feel to be married to someone who was hardly ever at home.

"Can we talk for a moment?" she asked, looking at him cautiously with wide eyes.

"Yes" said Benedict after some silence, sighing deeply. "YES that seems like a good plan."

The next day

She lay in her room staring at the ceiling, lost in thought, until she heard the bell ring. It was evening; so, could be no customer or supplier and Madame Delacroix had already gone home so there was only one option.

She got up and almost raced to the door where she saw indeed Benedict, busy staring at the ground; only looking up when he saw her coming and when he did it was in such a contrite, miserable way that she immediately felt sorry for him. And it immediately stirred up a sense of unease in her as well, and she knew that whatever news he came to bring her it would not be good news.

She opened the door for him and then took a few steps back, suspiciously. He walked in dejectedly and just stood there, his face awkwardly turned towards her, as if ashamed.

"What is it Benedict?" she finally wanted to know after an interlude of silence.

"I went to see my lawyer. To my accountant. To my brother for... support. I had everything, everything figured out but then...".

"And then?" she said, willing him to continue talking. He took a deep breath as his eyes seemed to drown in regret.

"She informed me that she is pregnant."

Oh. She remained silent for a long time, feeling unable to say anything. It was when he took a step forward towards her that she reacted.

"Go away Benedict" she began, controlling her voice at first.

"Alina, please-"

"NO! Leave! And never come back. I don't want to see you again, ever.?" she stated her voice full of emotion.

"Enough. Enough of this. This ends here but if you dare to show it again there will be consequences. Is that clear?" she argued with a sharp tone.

He looked at her for a long time and only nodded. What could he say now? If there was any hope, it was now lost forever. He turned and walked to the door but just before he left he turned again and looked at her.

"I'm sorry for everything. Everything. But I will never stop loving you". He then left, leaving her in ruins; with a broken heart that could never be mended.

She did not know how she had got through the next few days. She hardly paid any attention to her work and Genevieve felt the need to point that out to her and rightfully so. She tried her best to concentrate but all she wanted to do was cry and cry and nothing more.

Alina was glad it was Sunday, and she went outside slightly chilly morning, it was Spring by now, but Winter was keen to stay a little longer, so it seemed.. She started walking, idly until her feet took her to her old neighbourhood. It was something she could not ignore. She walked past her old house and that was a mistake as she was overwhelmed by memories of her time there with her mother. Overcome with emotion, she started to cry but she didn't want anyone to see her, so she quickly walked away and took a corner to the right. She walked and walked until, a few streets further on, she came to the place that had given her refuge, many times before.

The Bethlehem church was the one she visited with her mother, and it felt familiar to be there. She had missed the morning mass but luckily the door was open. She treaded carefully inside and closed the door. Then she made her way to the altar, where she knelt before it. She said her prayers in a soft voice, out of routine, and then she planned to say one for her mother, yet she was unable to because the memory of her mother proved too painful to be ignored. Overcome with emotions she started to cry again.

She took a seat in one of the pews where she started to sob uncontrollably now, too lost in experiencing her grief, her broken heart, everyhing and anything.

She did not realise that someone had come in. Nor did she realise that someone was cautiously approaching her; not until she heard footsteps and looked up.

"Tommy?"

"Hello Alina."


A/N

Holy hell what dramaaaaa and I already changed the way I was intending to go, Alina threatening to inform Lady W as a last effort to discourage ben and stating something along the lines of 'she will pay me greatly for what I have to share' and he replies with "If it's money you're after, I will give that as long as you lie in my bed" (shocking I know) so she slaps him lol. But could not do that so here this chapter is.

Furthermore, I did a bit of bit digging into regency annulments, there were uncommon and costly but yeah.. possible although not recommended.

I am thinking of doing a time jump next chapter or the one following ; of a couple of years so consider yourselves 'warned'.

Thank you for reading and as always please ignore the stupid grammar mistakes. I am using a translation software and sometimes things get lost in 'translation' whahah lol I like that pun.