Chapter six: Obi Wan
I had seen the memory as it passed through Anakin's mind.
The pain it caused.
The guilt he felt. But also, Obi Wan was slightly hurt, he had lied.
Well, not really, but he didn't tell Obi Wan they tortured him. That Ahsoka had taken it all. He hadn't told anyone.
When Anakin got off the ship, he pushed away anyone and everyone. He was crying and we soon found out why.
Ahsoka was taken off the ship by Rex.
Dead.
Healers had tried desperately hard to get him to come to the healing quarters. Tried to get them to let them help. He simply walked away. Ignored them. Ignored Obi Wan. Ignored Mace.
Obi Wan followed him all the way to his apartment. And Anakin sat down on the sofa. And didn't move. All day.
Now, Obi Wan finally realized the depth of his pain.
Obi Wan would never tell Anakin, but it wasn't that Anakin felt responsible. He was responsible.
'I let them. It was all me.
It's all your fault. You know you don't deserve to live. But if you kill youself, you are responsible for breaking his heart. Obi Wan's heart. Doesn't mean you can't have no reason to live though. Doesn't mean you're not a failure. Doesn't mean you are the worst person on earth. It means you- they should lock you in prison. Doesn't mean you don't deserve to die.'
Obi Wan heard the thoughts run through Anakin's head. And through Anakin, him. It made him feel sickened. Anakin was obviously depressed. And there was nothing Obi Wan could do about it.
For the first time in his life, Obi Wan felt helpless.
Cautiously, Obi Wan approached Anakin, "Anakin, you do not deserve to die."
Immediately mental barriers were put up, and Anakin snapped, "Stop listening to my thoughts… I do…I do deserve to die… It was my fault she died…"
Anakin turned away. And Obi Wan heard a sobb escape him.
"I remember what he did to me. But it didn't hurt. Not compared to hearing her- her scream. It was all my fault. If i Hadn't screamed, she wouldn't have taken it. If she hadn't taken it… I could've taken it from her."
Now Anakin was shaking. His voice was hoarse, and he could tell it was hard for him.
"Obi Wan, I was selfish. I didn't like her being tortured… but I was secretly glad it wasn't me. Then-" A sob escaped him, broken and hurt. "And then they used those wretched drugs. And she screamed. And it tore out my heart. I begged them to stop. Begged them to do it on me instead. But they told me that-" Anakin had tears streaming down his cheeks. "-that… If I really cared- I'd have asked earlier. I wouldn't have waited for her to start screaming… She died because of me. She was tortured because of me. And I did it because I am a selfish, unworthy-of-anything-even-life-wretched creature. I don't. Deserve. To. live."
Obi Wan didn't know what to say, Anakin's mind was a pool of black.
Bitterly, Anakin continued. "I don't deserve to be a Jedi." He took his Jedi Knight Badge, took Obi Wan's hand, and tucked it into his hand, curling it into a fist and pushing it away. "Ahsoka does though."
"No… Anakin… Please…" Obi Wan shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes, "Don't do this Anakin… come back… Please…."
Sadly, Anakin shook his head. "I'm not coming back, master…"
