Thank you for the support.
So this wasn't going to be a chapter. In fact, the idea hit me and I hesitated about doing this. After all, if there is one character that I've made up, I think this is one of those that I wouldn't want Rachel to meet again. Or, in this case, James and Amelia as well...
Robert
1998
"Rachel, there you are. That guy I've been telling you about is here. Let me introduce you to him."
A mix of nerves and dread rose in her as she was dragged through the other guests at the party by Molly. It was nice that others were trying to look out for her and she would admit, she did hate that the twins didn't have a father figure. Especially for James. Her little boy was slowly turning into a man and she knew that there were things, eventually, that he wouldn't want to speak to her about.
And she was happy on her own, with the twins. But there were some nights that she could only hear Melissa's voice, telling her how lonely she was and she could feel it. Those were the nights that she arranged her pillows, just so she could imagine Lawson was lying next to her, with her head on his shoulder and her arm across his chest, with him holding onto her tightly, whispering that he would never let her go again. She craved him and his kindness more than ever. It was just a shame that she hadn't run into him just yet. She did look out for him, signing up for courses that she didn't really need to go on just in case. The time away from the twins would be worth it if she could find him.
It wasn't like she had stayed single just because she was looking for Lawson. She had been on a number of dates over the last few years. Some only lasted the one. Others got to the point where she had introduced the twins. Amelia was always won over easily. James took a little more work. And even more now as the men that she had introduced left rather quickly afterwards. She got that it was a big ask. For someone to father someone else's children. From a one night stand. She wondered whether that was where she was going wrong. Maybe the part that she had gotten pregnant because of a one night stand was worse than the thought of the twins. She hated to think what anyone would think of her if they knew the truth.
"Rachel, this is Robert," Molly said as they stopped in front of the man. "Robert, this is Rachel. The colleague that I was telling you about."
There was a flooding of hellos and whether they were going to shake hands or kiss on the cheek, with them doing both. Molly excused herself rather quickly and Rachel let out a small scoff at that.
"I don't think she could have gotten away fast enough," Robert said.
"I don't know what she is scared about."
"Maybe that we will get on a little too well."
"I think there are more people enthusiastic about me dating than I am."
"Same. Bad relationships?"
"Sort of. It's a bit hard to explain."
"Is it?"
Rachel sighed. Because she knew that it wasn't. And maybe getting it out of the way at the beginning might solve her a world of heartache.
"I'm a single mother." She said.
"Right."
"To twins. Non-identical. James and Amelia."
"Their father not about then."
"No." She paused for a moment, wetting her lips as they felt dry. "He doesn't know about them. It was a one night stand."
Robert seemed to think about it for a moment before he smiled at her. "They must be a bit of a handful."
"They were when they were younger. I think because it has just been me and them, they have grown up a lot quicker than they should have done. James especially. Although, I still don't agree with my sister. I still think he is going to be the right kind of trouble."
"Is there a right kind of trouble?"
"I think so. When good intentions are behind it." She shook her head as she paused. "There was this incident the other day that got me called to the school. Apparently in the rehearsal for the Christmas play, Amelia collided with a boy on the small stage as she was coming off and he was coming on. He had blamed her, saying that she wasn't coming off the stage right when he was in the wrong. James sort him out at the afternoon break and shoved him and asked how he liked it. Amelia had told him to leave it alone but he wouldn't.
"I had asked what the teacher had done about the incident on the stage and she had barely acknowledged it, pulling Amelia off to one side to tell her to be more careful with not a word to the boy. I may have told James that he was wrong and shouldn't have done what he had done in front of the head teacher but when we got home, I cooked his favourite meal and told him that as much as I didn't think that he went about it in completely the right way, I did appreciate the reasons behind what he had done."
"What did he say to that?"
"I think he was just happy that he hadn't completely disappointed me. I've… always tried to never be angry with them. Things get sorted easier… better even when reason isn't thrown out of the window by anger."
"And that might be the reason why Molly says you are one of the best teachers that she has ever worked with."
"Maybe."
Rachel smiled up at Robert when he did, feeling this relief flow through her, even if she didn't understand why. She turned the conversation to him, realising that maybe she had been talking about herself a little too much but she couldn't stop smiling when it seemed like all Robert wanted to talk about was the twins.
Maybe she had finally found someone to be their father.
2000
They had been arguing a lot.
Rachel had wondered whether the baby might have quelled Robert's mood. Whether she could give him a second chance. Maybe things had only become frosty because they were seen as a complete family when she knew that Robert wanted to have children of his own, something that she was prepared to give him, even if she did have her own worries about things.
So they had been arguing.
And Rachel had left the bedroom just to get some distance from him.
She didn't expect him to grab her arm.
She didn't expect him to turn her to him.
She didn't expect him to walk her backwards.
She didn't expect to fall down the stairs.
Her body instantly protested at it.
The pain spread all across her body.
The worst of it being at her abdomen.
She didn't need the doctor to tell her something that she knew the moment the pain started. But she gripped at her stomach, hoping that she was wrong. She knew that she still wasn't sure whether she actually wanted the baby but she was over the halfway mark now. She, at least, wanted to bring the baby to term.
Amelia reached her first, asking if she was okay.
James followed, asking what the hell had happened.
Every time she attempted to answer, a new wave of pain shot through her.
She could feel Amelia brushing her fingers through her hair, trying to keep her calm in the same way that she would try to calm Amelia down in.
She could hear James asking Robert what they should do and she was more than grateful when she finally heard Robert say that he would have to call an ambulance.
The reality was that James and Amelia were doing more than Robert.
And it should have been the wake up call that she needed.
He only sat by the door because he was listening out. Waiting for his mum to go to bed. For him to know that she was safe. He couldn't let that happen to her again. She wasn't allowed to get hurt again.
James didn't like that his bedroom was on the opposite side of the landing to his mum's. He had to wait for her footsteps to come up the stairs and past his door before he would even think about relaxing. And then he would wait 20 or so minutes, to make sure that she didn't pass his door again, before he felt able to get into bed. Sleep wouldn't come for another hour or so as he lied there, making sure nothing else was going to happen.
Some nights he had fallen asleep by the door, tiredness of the day claiming him before he could complete his task. He was trying to be a hero. He was trying to look after her. It wasn't the first time that he cursed that his dad wasn't in their lives.
But they had Robert.
Robert would look after her.
Maybe it was just an accident like she had said it was.
James felt his eyes start to close as his head leant against the doorframe, still waiting for his mum to walk past. He had hoped that when he said that the doctors had told her to rest, she would have gone to bed earlier that night. It was too late for him. And he didn't know for how much longer Amelia would be able to cover for him while he tried to catch up on his sleep in his break and lunch time at school.
He didn't hear her footsteps. He didn't hear them arguing. Maybe then he would have opened the door and asked them what they were arguing about.
He had already entered a rather deep sleep.
But not deep enough not to hear her scream.
His hand was on the door handle before he had even managed to pull his tired body off of the floor. He looked over the bannister, glad that he wasn't seeing his mum at the bottom of the stairs again. She had frightened him so much when he saw her lying there, with Amelia already halfway down the stairs.
His vision landed on the door of his mum's bedroom that she shared with Robert, hearing her hushed tones with Robert's slightly louder voice.
The adrenaline was already pumping through his veins. He was sure that he had heard his mum scream. He was sure that it wasn't in his dream.
He gave it another couple of moments but a squeak of surprise that he thought had come from his mum made him move. He didn't care what was happening. He just knew that he had to protect his mum.
Running into the room was equally the bravest and stupidest thing that he could have done. He realised that he didn't know the complexities of adult life and adult relationships but he knew that there was something wrong when his mum was on the floor, with Robert towering over her.
His mum wasn't scared of anything. He knew that from the moment that Amelia had screamed over a spider and all his mum did was scoop it up into a cup and put it outside, like it was nothing. Or when they went on roller coasters and he was sure that his mum laughed instead of screamed. His mum was utterly fearless.
But she did look scared in that moment. She looked up at Robert with complete and utter fear that spurred James on to run in the middle of them.
"What's going on?" He said, looking at Robert.
"James," Robert said, his tone of voice now sounding soft. "Go back to bed, mate."
James shook his head. "No. No. I get that I don't know what is going on but… this stops. Now."
James was sure that his mum would have said something by now if he had got the wrong end of the stick. The fact that she hadn't spoken said something to James. As much as Robert was a part of their family now, James knew that he was still the man of the family. He was still in charge when it came to his mum and sister. He was the one that needed to protect them. And he had this horrible sinking feeling that he had to protect them from Robert.
"Okay. Okay. But I think you and me need a man to man chat about this. Don't you think?" Robert said.
James found himself chewing on his bottom lip before he nodded.
He turned to his mum, holding out his hand for her to take. He pulled her up the best that he could but refused to let go of it when she tried to. He pulled on it slightly, trying to get her to leave the room.
"James, darling." She said.
"I don't want you here."
Her face softened as she clasped her dressing gown tighter in her hand to keep it together. She placed a kiss in his hair and asked him to give her a minute. He didn't quite know what she had to do but he only let go of her hand because it seemed like a promise that it would return.
He was in two minds. He was just going to take her back to his bedroom, giving her his bed while he slept on the floor near the door, just in case anything else happened. But then his thoughts turned to his sister, knowing that he had to protect her as well from what he didn't understand himself.
His mum told him not to when he entered Amelia's room but he knew the ways that he could wake up Amelia. Like she knew the ways to wake him up. And he knew that the spare bedroom wasn't too far. He would get them all in that bed and Amelia would be back asleep before his mum knew it.
James would know the consequences of his actions that night. He would find out how far Robert's temper would go. He would find out how horrible a person could be.
What he would never know was how safe his mum felt when she laid in that bed between him and Amelia. He would never know how proud of him she felt. He would never know how she prayed to any God that would listen that they would keep him safe from Robert. He would never know how much her heart would break when she would find out that no God had listened to her. He would never know how much she would blame herself, never him, for what happened.
He was just a brave little boy and James knew, deep down, that if he knew what was about to happen, he would do it over and over again. Because someone had to be there for his mum. And that someone, in that moment, was him.
2016
James was nervous.
He knew that he had met Katie's brother and sister at different times but they had always felt too brief for him to actually get to know them.
Her mum, on the other hand, had been someone that they hadn't been able to tie down just yet. Maybe it was because she was still with the boyfriend that Katie despised. Although, from what she had told him, James wasn't going to let her go anywhere near him. At least without him being there to make sure that she didn't get hurt.
And maybe it did feel a little one sided, with them being invited around to his house while his parents, Amelia, Toby and Michael were there as well. James wanted them to all get on. If Katie was his Fenshaw, then he knew that they would have to get on.
Her brother (Pete) and her sister (Maddie) had already arrived and things seemed to be going well. Obviously, a big conversation starter was Amelia and her pregnancy, with her and Toby deciding that they didn't want to know the gender of the twins and leaving the surprise for the birth. That then easily ran into a conversation that it would be the third set of twins in their family, brushing as quickly as they could over Michael and Stephen for Michael and his dad's sake (who was saying that he was taking it better than he was expressing it).
When the doorbell went, Katie took a deep breath before placing a kiss on his cheek and leaving to get the door.
He knew that he had only heard one sided phone conversations but he knew the moment that Katie was distressed by the tone of her voice and he could tell that Pete and Maddie had picked up on it as well, with a rather sombre look falling over their faces.
"I bet she has bloody brought him even though she asked him not to," Pete muttered.
That was enough for James to step out into the hallway, heading towards the doorway. Mainly to give his girlfriend support and to not let her be bullied into letting this man in when it was clear that nobody wanted him there.
"I said not to bring him." Katie hissed.
"Katie, is everything okay?" James asked.
"Why won't you just give him another chance?" Katie's mum said.
"Because he doesn't deserve it. Open your eyes, Mum."
James only looked up at the guy that was standing next to his girlfriend's mum to tell him to piss off in the best way that he could. However, the words and breath were stuck in his throat as he realised who it was.
"You're fucking dating him," Robert said.
James was no longer 25.
James was 10.
And scared.
Scared for him.
Scared for his mum.
Scared for Amelia.
He was a little stupid boy that didn't know the complexities of the relationship that he had with his mum.
He was the stupid little boy who thought that he could stop whatever was happening.
He found something to grip onto and he found himself digging his nails into the flesh that he found. He did hope that it wasn't Katie who he had found. If he could orientate himself, he would have known that it wouldn't be a possibility. And the nails that dug into his arm were the only thing that brought him back to reality, with him turning to see Amelia standing next to him.
"You don't have to do this." She whispered.
Years ago he would have argued that he did. That this was his responsibility and that meant that he had to sort it. But that wasn't the case anymore.
"So take the fucking hint," Katie said.
James looked up at Robert again. The memories just wouldn't stop and he turned down the hall, seeing his dad hovering in the kitchen doorway. He had thought that his mum might have rushed out as well but he knew that she may have reacted in the same way that he did.
He pushed on Amelia's shoulder to get her to move back to the kitchen or into the living room. He didn't want her anywhere that she could get hurt. Or her twins. He would never forgive himself if something happened to the three of them.
"Dad, get him to leave," James said as he passed him.
James' eyes were straight on his mum and he didn't even hesitate when she started to move, with him taking long strides across the kitchen to wrap his arms around her. Whether she was going to move to comfort him or not didn't matter. She was not going to go out into the hallway. He knew that she must have heard him but she was never going to be face to face with him.
And he wished that he had realised that it was him before he re-entered their lives.
"I'm going to have to watch you, aren't I?"
James lifted his head to look up at Katie. He gave her a quick nod and there was a part of him that knew that he would also have to say something to Tom. Although, with the way that Katie could hover over him, Tom would know something was wrong with him.
"If I had known, Jamie." She continued.
"I know."
"Already fucking hated him."
"I know."
"But to know that he is the same guy."
"I know."
"I'm so sorry."
James pushed himself up into a standing position before he cupped her face in his hands. "You have nothing to be sorry about. Okay? You weren't to know that they were the same Robert. There are a lot of fucking Roberts in the world. You told your mum not to bring him. It's not your fault. Okay?"
"You know it's not that easy."
Her hands pulled on his waist and he allowed himself to be pulled closer and the kiss that he knew was coming. It was exactly what he needed. A moment to know that she was still there by his side.
"Mum is still trying to argue that he is a good guy with Rachel and Amelia," Katie said.
"Is she?"
"Eddie also looks like he is about to try and knock some sense into her."
"That is his normal face when dealing with someone stupid."
"James, I stand by you. You know that, don't you? With only the little bits that you've told me."
He nodded before he went in for another kiss, knowing that soon he would have to show his face. The problem was the person that Robert had made him. He cringed at the angry boy that he was. The one who spat his dummy out of the pram at the first inconvenience. He was better now. Even if he knew that he would never be able to rid himself of the way that he was overprotective of those that he loved.
He was the one to pull them inside and as soon as he stepped into the living room, he knew that he wasn't ready for the conversation that was happening around him. He sat down on the arm of the sofa, next to Amelia, and her hand instantly landed on his thigh, stroking it to give him some comfort.
"I really don't know how you can defend him." His mum said.
"Because he really isn't that bad." Katie's mum said.
"That bad? That bad? That bad?!"
"Oh, come on. He isn't."
"Right? I'll tell that to the memory of him throwing me down the stairs when I was 25 weeks pregnant."
"Same with the memory of him throwing me into the lake," James said. "Or the one where he broke my arm with one of my football trophies."
"Or the one of my nine-year-old son running in and dragging me out of our bedroom, picking his twin sister up on the way, so we could all sleep together in the spare room because he was so scared of anything else happening to me."
"See, Mum," Katie said. "Why can't you fucking see it?"
James couldn't focus on Katie's mum as she tried to come up with some excuse why Robert wasn't as bad as they were making him out to be. Instead, he focused on the way that Amelia moved up on the sofa, pulling him down next to her, the way that she grabbed his hand so that he could feel the movements of her twins. He knew that she was doing everything in her power to keep him as sane as she could. And if he was being honest, he did just want to curl up into a ball and let his sister comfort him in whichever way she felt was appropriate. She didn't get to do that last time. She had been too far away.
It was becoming harder and harder to block out what was being said, especially when the conversation turned to him. And how he was reacting.
"Mum, how can you be so cruel?" Katie said.
"You tell me that my boyfriend is messed up. Isn't yours as well?" Katie's mum said.
"If he is messed up, then it has everything to do with him. And don't you dare attempt to compare them. Jamie is double… triple... ten times the man that Robert is. I have never felt anything but safe with Jamie. And Christ almighty, I never thought that I was going to get him. Rachel has more than raised him right. He is an absolute gent. Robert will never be."
"Mum, there is a reason none of us want to be at home," Pete said, finally speaking up after he had been whispering with Maddie for a bit. "He took you away from us, Mum. And then we hate it when he is cruel to you. It breaks my heart how many times we have had to call an ambulance or the police. But you aren't getting it. Even when two people are staying that they've been through the exact same thing. He is… he is a manipulative bastard and he knows that he has you wrapped around his little finger. Katie couldn't get out fast enough. Maddie spends more time at her friends than she does at home. Actually, she hasn't been home since Christmas but you haven't noticed. And me… I'm stuck with the both of you at the moment. But the moment I can, I am going to be out of there. That house isn't a home when he is there. It hasn't been a home since you met him."
James knew that was something that Katie had tried to tell her mum many times over the years of the on-and-off relationship. And the way that his mum was keeping out of things let him know that things weren't going to sort themselves out. That Katie's mum was always going to be blind to it.
"You aren't going to see it," Katie said, voicing James' thoughts. "Even with others telling you."
"Katie, you've never understood it. I…"
"Don't you dare say it."
"I love him."
"I can't do it, Mum. I'm not going to. That's it. If you are going to choose him, then I am going to choose James and his family over you. I don't know how you can't see it. I don't know whether it is just because you don't want to see it. But I am not going to let it hurt me anymore. When you finish with him and finish with him for good…" Katie paused for a moment. "Then, maybe… but I can't have you in my life all the time he is in yours."
James found himself flinching at Katie's words. He didn't really want her to say them. With him being so close to his mum, he couldn't really fathom anyone else not getting on with their mum. But he knew that Katie had to do what she did. This wasn't a simple falling out. This was something that had dragged her down for years. And Katie had decided to let it go. Maybe it did but didn't help that she knew that she had him and his family. Maybe she never felt comfortable enough to be able to make the decision, despite only really knowing him for six months and his family since Christmas.
What didn't help was that there was no sympathy in the room for Katie's mum. Everyone was just as equally pissed off about her attitude towards someone who was despicable. Maybe the worst part of it was that he had been despicable towards her and she couldn't see his true colours and what it had done to her family.
It was very clear that she got the hint. And it was very clear that she wasn't going to listen to reason as she left. She had chosen him. A choice that James couldn't even begin to understand.
And his mum was only slightly quicker than he was to pull Katie into a hug.
He knew it was going to happen. He could feel his hair want to fall out from the moment he started to calm down about Robert. He just wished that he knew how bad it was. Because he knew that everyone was lying to him about how bad it was.
"It isn't that bad," Katie said as she wrapped her arms around him as she came up behind him, resting her chin on his shoulder. "Trust me."
"It isn't you. I don't trust anyone when it flares up."
"Well, maybe you should. Because I am still… very attracted to you."
He smiled at her in the mirror. "Mum's put you up to this, hasn't she?"
"She said that she thought that you might have already shaved your head by now."
"I have contemplated it." He paused for a moment. "Don't you dare apologise again."
He knew that she was going to but she had decided against it, placing a kiss on his shoulder instead. It was such a simple move.
It was moves like that which made him fall that little bit more in love with her. He had no idea how in love with a person someone could be. Because it seemed like this endless pit when it came to how he felt about Katie. The pit that would consume him when they broke up. Which he was sure would be sooner rather than later by the way things were going. Maybe it was good that Amelia's twins were due in a couple of months. They might be the only thing that wouldn't make him spiral.
"I can hear you thinking," Katie said.
"Can you now?"
"Hmm. And I know what you are thinking."
"What am I thinking then?"
"I don't plan on throwing this away, James. I meant what I said. I have felt nothing but safe with you. And I've only known you for six months. I want to… it might sound a little corny but I… don't want to not know you. I want to always feel safe with you. I want to be here always. I've… never really felt like this about a guy before. And I want to be her. I want to be your Fenshaw."
"Yeah but…"
"What makes you think that I am going to give up the moment it gets tough? I do get it. Things haven't been easy for you. But I think that has shaped who you are and why you are like you are. I did hear Amelia the other day. And I agree. You aren't him. You will never be him. You are your father's son. And I am so glad that you are."
He smiled at her again before saying that they should probably get on and get to work. His hand went to the back of his head with him combing his hand through it, feeling the bald patches. He sighed as he attempted to not let the memories overtake him again. Everything ended up okay in the end. He was better than he was now. He was a better man because of everything that happened. He knew the man that he didn't want to be. And with a nod to himself in the mirror, he knew that he had promised himself never to be the wrong type of man. Because he always wanted to be better.
