Janus stared at the paper in his hands. He realized why he had never tried to write out instructions for himself before; it was stupid and useless. His paper said:
Roman Side:
Step 1: Go on date with Roman
Step 2: ?
Step 3: Establishment
Super helpful. Definitely worth the effort. But it was all he could focus on right now. The chilly air made him shiver as he thought about Roman. He had to get his approval, otherwise he'd be kicked out of their group for sure. Ever since his run-in with Patton and the new guy, Janus' nerves have been on fire.
The odds were stacked against him. He needed to sway Roman over to his side. He knew he could do it tonight, if he manages to say all the right things.
Janus jumped when someone called his name. He shoved his plan in his pocket and looked up to see Roman crossing the parking lot.
"Oh, shit," Janus mumbled to himself, taking in Roman's appearance. He was mostly joking when he told Roman he'd 'out gay' him. But Roman's rainbow dress definitely belonged at pride. He was also wearing heels, something Janus had debated before he decided on platform boots.
Roman approached, smiling at him. He unabashedly looked Janus up and down, before saying, "I like the fishnets."
"We have two very different concepts of queer." Janus said, gesturing between the two of them. "What is this? Camp versus punk?"
"Yeah, true." Roman said, with a laugh. "But I wouldn't wear leather to a fancy restaurant."
Roman's painted nail flicked at the O-ring hanging from Deceit's neck. Janus cleared his throat and glanced away, feeling his face heat up. He fiddled with the edge of his crop top, suddenly aware of the choices he made. Who knows if they'd even let him in the building.
He subtlety adjusted his leather jacket to cover himself more. With a smooth smile, he responded, "Well, we want all eyes on us, don't we?"
Roman grinned at that. His smile suddenly shifted, and he shoved his hands in the dress' pockets and spun back and forth, "Talk about me now!"
"Your dress is," Janus struggled to settle on a word that wouldn't break his agreement with Logic. Roman did a little dance, swishing his dress around and giving Janus his best stage eyes. Janus felt a knot loosen in his chest a little, "charming."
They entered the restaurant shortly after. It wasn't the same place he took Patton, sure that he would be recognized if he tried. This place was less uppity in the sense that you didn't need a reservation just to eat there. But it was still unnecessarily expensive.
Roman sat primly across from him, taking in their surroundings with a blank face. Janus shifted slightly, thrown off. Patton was chattering about the decore by now. Roman brushed his hair out of his face and looked at Janus expectantly.
"So." He said, not picking up the menu. "Are you expecting me to pay?"
"Uh-"
"Because I saw the only worthwhile bulge in your pants was your phone. I didn't see a wallet." Roman said, picking at his nails like he was bored.
Janus deflected, smiling seductively, "So, you were checking out my ass?"
"They're very tight shorts." Roman said, waving him off. "Let's cut to the chase, okay Jan?"
"Uh-" Janus blinked in surprise, all of his planning and scripts flew out the window. He hadn't anticipated Roman expecting him to not be able to afford the place.
"If you actually want to take me out, then take me somewhere authentic. Something you can pay for, or somewhere you like." Roman said, gesturing around at the pristine Greek statues. "Because this doesn't feel like you."
"How would you know what's 'like me'?" Janus scoffed, crossing his arms. Roman raised an eyebrow.
"If you don't want to actually have a date with me tonight, I'm going to leave." Roman said, situating his purse on his shoulder, "I've already out-gayed you, and that's all I needed-"
Janus stood up, holding his hands out, "Okay, okay, we'll ditch this stuffy place. Just-"
The waiter was approaching them to get their drink orders, and Janus felt like he would explode if he had to talk to her. Did his new no lying rule extend to strangers? He couldn't think about it right now. Janus took Roman's hand and pulled him out of the booth. They sped walked out of the restaurant, hands clasped together.
"You were supposed to be impressed!" Janus hissed to Roman as they approached Frank's car. "That place is, like, classy!"
"It's also way out of my paygrade," Roman said, glaring down at him, "And I'm not doing dishes!"
Janus huffed, but opened the door for Roman. They sat in the car and stared ahead for a few moments.
Somewhere authentic. Authentic? What kind of fucking descriptor is that?
Finally, Janus settled on somewhere to go. It was quiet, beautiful, and most importantly: free. He started driving, watching as street lights flashed above them. Roman sat silently for a few minutes, staring out the window.
Eventually, he turned to Janus and said, "Tell me a lie."
"I'm so thrilled you said that." Janus responded, not taking his eyes off the road. "Your earrings are not too sparkly."
"Was that the lie?" Roman asked, one hand reaching up to touch his dangly earrings. "Or was the thrilled part the lie?"
Janus glanced at him, slightly surprised he didn't hear the obvious sarcasm. Was it obvious to normal Sides? Do they just not hear his tonal cues? He shook his head, too focused on driving to think about that.
"I met our final Sides." Janus said, trying to be subtle as he viewed Roman's reaction. "Got in a fight."
"That one's almost believable." Roman snorted, leaning against the window. "You're getting better."
Janus exhaled slowly and tried to imagine happy thoughts. One day he'll be Established, and then he won't have to deal with his Sides ever again.
He kept driving until they were out of the city. He answered Roman's few questions, and listened to his lengthy answers. Roman definitely didn't talk too much. Eventually, he pulled into a bumpy parking lot. Roman peered at the forest before them, clearly curious.
"So… where are we?" Roman asked, his nose almost pressed against the window.
"You'll see." Janus climbed out of the car, then ran around to open Roman's door for him. He held out his hand and grinned when Roman took it.
He led Roman down a windy path, through the trees. The sun was sinking, leaving only simple lamp posts as their light source. Crickets began to chirp, awakening from their daily slumber. Their singing made for the perfect background music, Janus thought.
A slight wind blew, and Roman shivered. Without a second thought, Janus took off his leather jacket and placed it around Roman's shoulders.
"Wait, no, you'll get cold." Roman said, moving to take it back off.
Janus shook his head and bumped Roman playfully. "How can I be cold when I have such hot company?"
"I- uh-" Roman's face flushed and he awkwardly put the jacket on, zipping it up over his dress. Janus tried not to notice how this only improved his outfit. Crap. He really did outgay him. Janus was not jealous. Roman didn't look at him as he mumbled, "Thanks."
Janus preened, pleased with himself. He may have started out rocky, but he was sure he could save this night. He took Roman's hand again and kept walking, following the path deeper into the woods.
"I used to come here with my uncle," Janus told Roman easily. "There's a campground further into the forest. And hiking trails, too."
"Babe. I'm wearing heels." Roman said, his voice a mix of teasing joy and concern.
"Well I didn't say we'd get off this path, now did I?" Janus said, copying his tone. He helped Roman around a twisted root that had pierced through the concrete, and stopped at the top of the slope. "But if you want to go on the trails, I know where to jump the fenc-"
"Oh my god." Roman breathed, going still.
Janus glanced at him, taking in his expression. His eyes were on the scene before them: a shimmering lake that stretched across the clearing. Trees surrounded the lake on all sides, but there was still enough grass in between for a nice picnic or to play a game of catch. Except for the north side of the lake, which sat before them. Several yards of wildflowers stretched ahead of them, practically shining in the evening light. Janus wished he planned on going here first. Roman would totally have lost his mind if they had a picnic here. Stupid, Jan.
Roman's fingers slid out of his grasp as he approached the nearest flower. Janus frowned at himself when he missed the touch. What kind of Sappy Side were these men turning him into?
"Tulips." Roman said with a wide smile. He pointed to another colorful patch. "And chrysanthemums! And those ones are called aster."
Janus picked a white tulip and used the pretense of smelling it to give himself a moment to take deep breaths. No one gave Roman the right to be this cute. The other man was on the ground now, his rainbow dress splayed out around him. With his stupid, surprised smile and his frilly, goregous dress; sitting surrounded by flowers, Roman was a picture perfect Disney princess. Janus admired him silently, as his chest constricted with something akin to desire.
He caught himself staring and he looked away, cheeks heating. He forced down the emotion, careful to keep his expression neutral. First Logic, now this. He really needed to get a hold of himself.
Janus sat down next to Roman, close enough for their shoulders to bump. He held out the tulip and shrugged, suddenly bashful without any clever lies.
"For you."
Roman blinked in surprise, slowly taking the flower from his hand. Their fingers brushed, and Janus shivered from the heat their contact generated.
"Thank you." Roman whispered, looking down at the flower.
They were quiet for a few moments, and Janus desperately tried to think of something he could say. Usually, in times like these, he'd lie to strike up a conversation. But he was doing Logic's stupid experiment, which involved him not lying to his Sides (as much? At all? He wasn't listening.). Roman twisted the tulip between his fingers, watching the petals twirl.
Finally, he asked, "Do you know what white tulips mean in flower language?"
"Why would I know that?" Janus said in response.
Roman didn't seem to mind, shrugging thoughtfully. His eyes remained on the tulip as he said, "Forgiveness."
His gaze flicked up, and their eyes met. Jan's throat became tight, suddenly. A warm, fluttery sensation formed in his chest, and he had to check he wasn't currently fusing.
What was that expression for? Roman's eyes seemed full of hope, hesitation, and interest. Janus knew he wasn't a lost cause yet, and somehow that only made this date even more terrifying.
"Roman, I-"
"Don't worry about it." Roman said, looking away with effort. His eyes were on the lake now, watching a family of ducks swim lazily. "We've all made mistakes."
Janus felt a shiver run through his body. What was this? Is this what acceptance feels like? He needed more; all the more desperate for Roman's approval.
"I wish I could meet you again for the first time." Janus said, rubbing his face to keep from touching Roman. He shivered as his fingers brushed over his scars. "All of you. There's so much I'd do differently."
Roman watched him, a small but easy smile on his face. "Different lies you'd tell?"
"Yeah." Janus said, his own grin forming, "I've thought of better ones."
Roman chuckled gently, a noise that filled Janus' empty chest with liquid gold. He shrugged and said, "No changing it now."
Janus stared at the side of Roman's head, even in the slight wind, his hair stayed perfectly styled. His makeup skills were far superior to Janus', who only really knew how to cover up bruises. Roman truly was a beauty to behold.
"My parents are divorced." He said suddenly. Stupidly.
Roman looked at him, clearly surprised. His eyes darted over Janus' own shocked expression, trying to see if he was lying. Awkwardly, he said, "Me too."
That made Janus feel a little more comfortable, and he charged on with vigor. "They split when I was, like, eight. My uncle took me in. His Loyalty Side was brothers with my dad's Aggression." Janus couldn't look at him anymore, his gaze directed towards the ground. "My parents met in college, I think they loved each other in the beginning. But things fell apart quickly after they married."
Roman was silent throughout his story, his eyes on the tulip in his hand. His thumb gently rubbed over the petals.
"They had me to fix things. Lotta good that did." Janus said, his own self hatred seeping into his voice, vulnerable without his lies, "I haven't heard from either of them in years."
"Who needs them." Roman said after a long moment. He threw an arm around Janus' shoulders, tugging him closer. Janus flinched at the sudden contact, before slowly melting into Roman's warmth. "Two stylin' guys like us can take on the world, no parents needed."
Janus offered him a small, thankful smile. He rested his head on Roman's shoulder and asked, "What's your story?"
Roman's smile fell slightly as he explained, "Mom wanted a big, happy family. Dad wanted to make money, and be a bachelor. Can't really do that while married."
"Well, you could. You'd just have to do a lot of lying." Janus said, tilting his head back to look at Roman better, "Not that I'd ever cheat. I have standards."
Roman chewed his lip distractedly. Janus couldn't help but stare, transfixed by the action. Finally, Roman released his lip and said, "About that, I have something to tell you."
"Why do you look so freaked out? I'm the one with the scary secrets." Janus said, trying to be comforting and missing by a mile.
Roman exhaled slowly before he said, "I have a boyfriend."
"Yes, me." Janus said.
"No, another one."
"Yes, Logic."
"Janus." Roman sounded pained.
Janus slowly asked, "Did you meet our other Sides?"
"Not exactly." Roman said, chewing his lip again.
Janus lost focus, watching that pink skin disappear behind a hint of teeth. It wasn't fair that Roman was allowed to bite his lips. Janus wanted to bite them. Everyone should get a turn. It's what Morality would've wanted. That's fairness.
Roman sighed and confessed, "It was before I met you or Logic. I wanted to find my Sides, so I joined a dating app that matched you with people who looked like you. That's how I met Remy and Missy."
Why did those names sound familiar? Janus thought for a second before he remembered their brief interaction backstage after Roman's show. He felt his nose wrinkle in disgust.
"You mean the asshole who wears sunglasses inside?" Janus asked.
"Yeah," Roman said in a sigh, his shoulders dropping slightly. A small smile spread across his lips. "Yeah, that's him. He has a medical condition that causes sudden sleep attacks, and the glasses help him be covert about it."
"Regardless," Janus said, leaning closer to Roman for emphasis. "Sunglasses. In a theater. Where it's already dark."
Roman looked at him from under his lashes; a truly unfair technique that Janus would be stealing later. He asked, "Are you upset that I'm dating someone outside of our Sides?"
Janus thought about it for a moment, giving the question the attention it deserved. He could feel the tenseness of Roman's muscles against him, aware that his friend was holding his breath.
"No. Honestly." Janus said with a shrug. He mentally cheered when he felt Roman relax beside him. "As long as I don't have to see his ugly face."
"I can work with that." Roman said, taking Janus' hand in his own. "Please don't insult him."
"You two have so many rules." Janus sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. Roman laughed, his smile slowly fading as he got lost in thought. Janus watched him, satisfied with just his presence. His hand felt warm.
Roman asked, his voice timid, "Hey, Jan, you wouldn't ever… you wouldn't ever lie to me about something important right? Like, really important."
Janus felt his throat tighten, the air in his lungs suddenly fridged. His mind exploded with contradictions, like a math problem.
If he told Roman no, he would never be able to lie to him about "something important" ever again. Which Janus couldn't guarantee, because what if he had to lie to Roman? Then, he'd be breaking his promise to Logic to not lie, as giving Roman a sense of comfort about the future is a lie. And if he tried to explain that to Roman, he'd look like an asshole.
Sorry, Logic.
"Roman," Janus said, taking both his hands in his own. He looked into Roman's eyes, attempting to seem as sincere as possible. "I promise, I will not lie to you about anything really important in the future."
Roman exhaled slowly, relaxing as he did. He smiled at Janus, and he felt a hard lump form in his chest. That… didn't feel good. Why didn't that lie feel good?
"I'll try to not be so judgemental." Roman said, squeezing Janus' hands. "I think I like you, Jan. And I like Logic. I don't want us to fight. Not really."
He leaned forward until his forehead rested on Janus'. He felt his face heat once more, a shiver running down his spine as Roman's breath fluttered across his skin. Janus' skin shook like a raw nerve. More truths sat in the back of his throat, trying to claw their way out. It felt easier to drop another lie off the tip of his tongue. Instead, Janus fell silent, only capable of watching as Roman grew closer to him.
"It would be better for us to be on the same side." Roman said, his voice light and airy. "Don't you agree?"
And, honestly, Janus whispered, "Yes."
Unable to ignore his impulses anymore, Janus leaned forward and kissed Roman. He shoved his hand in Roman's perfect hair and held him close. Roman grinned against his mouth. One of them made a noise like a groan; Janus wasn't sure which one. He fell back, pulling Roman with him. He felt the pressure of Roman's body on top of him, their lips never disconnecting.
This, finally, felt right. If anything in this disaster of a world was good, it was Roman's hands on him. Goodness was the heat between their breaths and the gentleness of their mouths joining together over and over again. If Roman's fingers gliding against his skin wasn't righteous, then Janus knew he would never truly grasp the concept.
His whole body felt hot with tingles.
The next thing he knew, he wasn't kissing anymore. He was lying in the grass, surrounded by flowers. His head felt full with the familiar sensation of another person sharing his thoughts. The clear sky overhead twinkled with the first eager stars.
The new fusion laughed, a deep chuckle that turned into an excited giggle. He pressed against the grass, his fingers feeling the soft blades under them for the first time. He inhaled, exhaled, then sat up.
"Right, bros." He said, stretching his arms over his head. "I'll take it from here."
Tell me what you think!
