Brave
Chapter 5 – No More Secrets
When the doctors became aware that Eddie had woken up, they promptly began checking Eddie over from head to toe. As Richie made his way out into the waiting room to give them some space, he could hear Eddie complaining about all the ways they were poking and prodding him. Then Richie could hear Eddie asking if they had washed their hands and if their equipment was sterile.
This made Richie smile like an absolute lunatic, and there was a certain spring to his step now that hadn't been there before. Hearing Eddie give the medical staff the third degree was like music to Richie's ears, and something he had been fairly certain he'd never hear again. Not to mention, Richie had been kissed by Eddie fucking Kaspbrak, and as sappy as it sounded, Richie knew his life would never be the same again.
With the exception of Mike, the rest of the Losers had been dividing their time between the hospital and the townhouse. They had more or less put their lives on hold until they learned something more concrete about Eddie's condition. At least they could afford to do so, except maybe for Bill, who was fending off calls from the movie set daily. In the end, Bill said that Eddie was his priority right now, so he didn't give a rat's ass what they did without him. Bill would probably have to answer for it big time once he did return home, but he'd deal with that when the time came.
Richie was at least glad to know that he wasn't the only one who was so invested in Eddie's condition. Richie was also thankful to have the support of the other Losers, because he was positive he would have gone crazy at least twice over the last week without them. Not to mention, it was probably also a good idea for Eddie to have the support of as many people as possible.
When he emerged into the waiting this time, his friends immediately knew something was different; one look at Richie told them that much.
"He's awake," Richie said, without needing to be asked. "They're checking him over now, but we talked for a while and…he seemed coherent and lucid, which was a lot more than I was expecting. He's still in pain obviously, but for the most part, he seems okay." Richie laughed before he added, "He's giving the doctors hell right now, wanting to know if his care is up to standards." Richie stared up at the ceiling for a moment. "I had no idea how much I missed his neurotic complaining."
"Oh, Richie," Beverly said in relief, stepping forward and hugging Richie tightly. "That's wonderful. I know you've been lost without him." She pulled away then, looking up at him and running a hand up and down his arm.
For a very brief moment, under Beverly's gaze, Richie had a crazy urge to tell them about the kiss that he and Eddie had shared. It was the greatest damn thing that had happened to Richie in a long time, and he wanted to shout it from the rooftops. As it was, however, Richie decided against it. He could feel the eyes of the other Losers on him, and that was enough to make Richie question if he wanted to come clean. Not to mention, Richie wasn't even sure how Eddie would feel about all of this, or if he'd even want to announce it before he got things taken care of with Myra. They had a lot to talk about before they told the world they were going to be together.
Besides, Richie still had to take his career into account. He wasn't a huge star by any stretch of the imagination, but he could imagine his face ending up on the National Inquirer before the month was up if he held conversations about his sexuality in a hospital waiting room of all places.
Richie still felt like he was monopolizing Eddie's time, but the other Losers didn't seem to mind. As soon as the doctors were done running tests, Richie asked if he could talk to Eddie some more. No one protested, and as much as Richie knew he should feel selfish, he didn't.
When Richie returned to Eddie's room, he found Eddie staring desolately towards the windows to his left. Richie's stomach immediately clenched uncomfortably, and if Richie had been on any sort of regular eating schedule, his stomach would have just lost its contents.
The doctors had said that Eddie was healing nicely and as long as nothing went wrong, he should have a smooth if lengthy recovery. Richie thought that Eddie would be over the moon about that, but as it was, Eddie looked completely miserable. But Richie knew. He knew what had happened in Eddie's room just mere hours before was too good to be true, and now Eddie was regretting it. He was regretting kissing Richie and admitting his feelings. He was regretting doing these things behind his wife's back, as awful as she was. He was regretting possibly ruining their friendship by exploring their feelings for each other. He was regretting everything.
"Eddie?" Richie asked quietly, his stomach doing flipflops.
Eddie didn't seem to notice him, but just then, Richie saw a tear glistening on Eddie's cheek. Even if Eddie was upset over what had happened between them, Richie couldn't bear to see the poor man cry over it, so he immediately gave him an easy out.
"Hey," Richie whispered, coming farther into the room. "You know I love you, but if you'd rather forget what happened between us and go back to being friends…I won't hold it against you."
Richie tried his best to smile, even though his words hurt his heart. He almost couldn't bear the thought of losing Eddie like this now that he'd gotten a taste of what it was like, but Richie never wanted Eddie to regret him. Never wanted to try and force Eddie to do something he didn't want, like so many others before him.
Eddie's head snapped towards him, those adorable creases appearing between his eyebrows. "Richie…god, no." He reached up, wiping away the trail of tears on his cheek. "That's not it. That's not it at all. I'm not a stupid teenager that doesn't know what the fuck he wants. I've wanted you for nearly thirty years and I still do. That hasn't changed. If you'll have me." His voice quivered slightly on his last words.
Richie's stomach finally settled and he was able to breathe again. He closed the distance to Eddie's bed, taking up his usual spot on the edge of the mattress. They were probably going to have to throw the mattress away by the end of Eddie's stay due to the hole Richie was going to put through it. Richie placed his hands on Eddie's cheeks (being careful not to press to hard on the side with the bandage) and said, "Until the end of time."
Letting out a breath, Eddie closed his eyes, relaxing into Richie's touch.
"But then what has you so upset?" Richie asked, his own eyebrows knitting in worry. "The doctor said there's no cause for concern, and I thought you'd be thrilled about that. You're going to fucking make it, man."
Opening his eyes, Eddie smiled half-heartedly. "And that's great news," Eddie said. "I mean, Jesus – I could have developed all sorts of staph infections, and contracted listeria, and goddamned tetanus, and typhus, and diphtheria." He placed one hand on his chest, but then used his other one to bisect the air several times. "I could have been teeming with bacteria and parasites, and they would have had to put me into fucking quarantine for god knows how long, and I probably would have become septic-"
Eddie was rambling again, so Richie did what he now knew would shut him up – he placed his lips over Eddie's and kissed him hard. Thirty fucking years and he now knew how to silence Eddie Kaspbrak.
When Richie pulled away, he said, "You're fucking adorable when you go all neurotic on me, but you were going to tell me what has you so upset and not list the possible diseases you could have contracted."
Eddie tried to smile, but the expression didn't quite reach his eyes. "But that's just it," Eddie mumbled, diverting his eyes back towards the windows. "I actually don't know how you ever found me adorable in the first place, but you definitely won't now."
"I don't…" Richie began, but his words got caught somewhere in his throat. Frowning deeply, he placed a soft hand on Eddie's chin, directing the other man's gaze back towards him. "What are you talking about? You've been adorable to me ever since you wore those ridiculously short shorts that did unspeakable things to me, dorky tube socks, and godawful fanny pack. And believe me, you're leaps and bounds hotter than that now. If that didn't turn me off, I don't think anything will."
There was that half-hearted smile on Eddie's face again. "And I appreciate that, but…" Eddie stopped, then moved his hand and laid it across the bandages that were still wrapped around his middle. Still avoiding Richie's eyes, Eddie said, "It's awful. The doctor changed my bandages while he was in here and-" Eddie sucked in a breath at the thought, not saying anything more.
"You fucking stop right there," Richie said firmly. He reached out, placing his hand over the bandages around Eddie's middle, their fingers touching ever so slightly. "You got this because you saved me from the Deadlights. I will never see it as anything other than a mark of bravery, and courage, and the fact that you were willing to risk your own life to save mine. Everything about you has always been beautiful to me, and that's certainly not going to change now. Definitely not because that fucking clown tried to take you away from me."
"But, Rich," Eddie said, his voice shaking, "you didn't see it. It's big, and ragged, and gruesome-"
Richie pressed a finger over Eddie's lips, stopping him. "Don't," Richie said. "If you're afraid about what I'll think if I see it…don't be. I promise you that it won't make me think any differently of you. Just like this one." Richie moved his hand, laying it gently over Eddie's bandaged cheek. "I told you when we were down in the sewers how goddamned brave you were to pull a knife out of your own face and stab Bowers with it. And how goddamned brave you were to go after that clown with a fence post of all things."
Eddie laughed softly, but then grimaced slightly in pain. "Bev told me it would kill monsters if I believed it would. For all the good that did."
"My point still stands," Richie insisted. He trailed his hand down from Eddie's cheek, letting it come to rest on top of the bandages around Eddie's abdomen once again. "Jesus, you were so brave and you saved my life! How could I think any less of you because of the injuries you sustained from that? Eddie, believe me. Nothing about you will ever be gruesome to me – least of all this." Richie gently rubbed his thumb over the bandages.
Eddie frowned deeply, but at the same time, the corners of his lips began curling upwards. There was a faint glisten of tears in Eddie's eyes before he closed them and turned away. Richie could see him swallowing and if he wasn't mistaken, there was a faint blush creeping up into Eddie's cheeks.
It was Richie's turn to frown. "What?" he asked.
When Eddie opened his eyes again, he turned back to Richie and said, "If I was having this conversation with Myra, she'd end up blaming me for the entire thing and tell me it was my own damn fault that I ended up skewered by a fucking demon."
Richie really didn't want to speak badly about Eddie's wife. After all, he didn't even know her, but the more he heard about her, the more he disliked her. "She doesn't deserve you, man," Richie said, unable to control himself. "Not if she'd throw all of this back in your face like that."
"Oh my god, Myra," Eddie suddenly cried, placing a hand over his eyes and then running his fingers through his hair.
Despite the seriousness of their conversation, Richie found himself smirking. Eddie's hair was an absolute mess, sticking out at all angles and certainly greasier than Eddie would ever let it get. Richie was pretty positive they hadn't shown him a mirror, because if they had, he would have been having a fit over the state of his hair instead of his scars.
"Has anyone called her?" Eddie asked when he looked at Richie again.
"Er…um," Richie stammered, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. "About that-"
"You didn't, did you?!"
"Yeah, well, see, we were going to," Richie explained in a rush, "but…well, your phone was locked and we didn't know the pin to get her number."
"Rich," Eddie said, giving Richie a sharp stare. "In today's day and age, it doesn't take that much effort to find someone's phone number."
Richie grimaced. "Well, no one really wanted to do it," he finally admitted, "and we didn't know what to say to her anyway. If she knew what happened, she would have been on the next plane here, and given everything you've already told us about her…we weren't entirely sure that that would have been best for you." Richie paused before he added, "And after what you've just told me about how she would have reacted, it sounds like we were right." It was his turn to give Eddie a pointed look. "You need rest and support, not that woman screaming at you about how all of this is your fault. That's the last thing you need right now."
Eddie heaved a sigh and said, "I know, but she's still my wife, and she deserves to know that I'm in the hospital."
"What are you going to tell her?" Richie asked, his voice sounding slightly panicked. "I mean, I guess it makes sense to stick with the same lie that we gave the doctors, but-"
"I can't possibly tell her I was in an abandoned house," Eddie cried, rubbing his hand over his eyes. "Jesus Christ, she'd kill me. She has a fit if I drive when it's fucking raining." Eddie let out a laugh that was somewhere between humor and hysteria.
"Which one of you is the risk analyst?"
"Exactly."
"You see our dilemma."
"Yeah, okay, I know," Eddie mumbled. When he dropped his hand from his face, he stared long and hard at Richie. "I still have tell her something, man. I can't possibly wait till I'm released – which the doctor said will likely be weeks – and show up on her doorstep looking like something the cat dragged in."
"To be fair," Richie pointed out, "you don't have to disclose all your wounds to her." Richie gestured again to the bandages around Eddie's abdomen. "She doesn't even need to know about this. All you'd have to do is explain about where Bowers stabbed you."
"Yeah, 'don't worry, Myra, a madman with a knife stabbed me. It's nothing,'" Eddie said around a sigh.
"We told the doctors you fell," Richie offered sheepishly. "Or rather, Bill did. Didn't say what you fell on though."
"I don't know what's worse," Eddie said in thought, frowning up at the ceiling. "Madman with a knife or just my clumsy ass. She'd probably want to wrap me in bubble wrap for the rest of my life if I went with the latter."
"I got news for you, man. Bubble wrap wouldn't do jack shit against a knife blade."
"You know," Eddie mused, "she did tell me that if I came back to Derry at all, to not bother coming home again. Maybe I should take her up on that. She might even set all my belongings out on the lawn so I can gather them up quickly and get the hell out."
As much as Richie wanted to believe the contrary, he said, "You know it's not going to be that easy. She was blowing up your phone until we turned the damn thing off. And that was only on the first day you were here."
Eddie rolled his eyes. "I don't even want to turn it back on then. God knows how many missed calls, and voicemails, and texts I have from her. Just…can we talk about something else? The thought of my phone alone is giving me anxiety." He suddenly closed his eyes and loudly gasped for hair, an all-too-familiar sound.
"Yeah," Richie said. He placed a hand on Eddie's upper chest, near his shoulder, rubbing his fingers over the skin gently. "They have you on oxygen, because you were in respiratory distress when you came in. You're fine. Breathe. We'll worry about Attila the Hun later."
Eddie let out a laugh as he concentrated on slowing his breathing. When he let out one last measured breath, he turned to Richie and asked, "Did you tell the Losers about us?"
"What?" Richie asked, and now it was his turn to try and keep from having a panic attack. "No, didn't tell them. I…I don't even know if you'd want me to until you sorted things out with Myra, and god, you're the only person that even knows I'm gay now, and…" Richie's voice suddenly died in his throat, his eyes going wide at his words.
Eddie lifted his head from his pillow slightly. "What?"
Richie attempted to swallow away the lump that had settled into his throat. It still didn't seem to move, but when he looked at Eddie again, he gasped out, "I never said that before. I alluded to it while you were asleep, but…I never came right out and said it." Richie paused, closing his eyes against the sudden rapid beating his heart. Even though he now knew that Eddie didn't hate him – very far from it, in fact – it was still a sentence that Richie had difficulty with. He swallowed again, finally getting past that lump before he said, "I'm gay."
Eddie smiled, finding Richie's hand and gripping it firmly in his. "I'm glad I'm the one you told."
Squeezing Eddie's hand back, Richie said, "Me too. But…isn't that enough for now? I don't…I don't think I'm exactly ready for anyone else to know just yet."
"Rich," Eddie said quickly, "we don't have to tell anyone anything. I just kind of assumed you'd want to after so long." He shrugged ever so slightly, careful not to tug at his stitches.
"I do," Richie murmured. "God, I do. I'd love to tell everybody, but...I'm scared. It's why I never said anything to you before – because I was afraid that everyone, including you, would hate me." Richie paused, not sure if he should voice his next thoughts, but he did anyway. "I thought you'd be just as worried." He bit at his lower lip, not intending for his last words to sound as bitter as they perhaps did.
"Maybe to tell the rest of the world, sure," Eddie agreed, "but…they're our friends." He lifted his hand from the mattress, gesturing towards the door. "They're not going to care. If anything, they'll probably be happy for us. In fact, I'm willing to bet that at least a couple of them might have seen this coming. In retrospect, I was really kind of obvious in the hammock and shit." Eddie grimaced at the thought.
Richie laughed quietly before he said, "Maybe."
His voice was wistful, thinking back to those too-hot summers inside the clubhouse, Eddie's sticky skin pressing up against his and his sweaty socks snaking their way underneath Richie's glasses. Richie thought he could almost smell those socks again if he tried hard enough, the memory now so very clear and crisp to him. God, how had he ever forgotten about that? How had he ever let that memory become so buried underneath the intervening decades?
"You know, Rich," Eddie said quietly, pulling Richie from his reverie, "even if I didn't feel the same way, I'm actually kind of surprised that you thought I'd hate you so much for…simply loving me." He stared unblinking into Richie's eyes. "You're my best friend. I could never hate you for that."
Silence fell over the room, and it was just hanging on that edge of becoming uncomfortable. Attempting to stem it before it grew any worse, Richie ran a hand through his hair and said, "I didn't know you – didn't know the you now. I was just certain that with the way you were raised…there was only one way you could feel about it. I mean, your mother clearly gave you the AIDS talk. Didn't she also talk to you about the gays?"
"Oh, yeah," Eddie said quietly. "She did. And…a part of me grew up thinking she was right." Eddie paused, the right corner of his lips curling up into a smile. His eyes seemed slightly unfocused, like he was caught up in a long-lost memory. "But the funny thing was, it was her choices that made me realize she was wrong at all."
Richie frowned and shook his head in confusion. "When was that?"
"When she made me go to college," Eddie said around a quiet laugh. "Little did she know, the very first friend I made there was a gay guy. Aaron."
"Friend?" Richie asked, unable to stop himself. He flinched when he realized the word had come out sounding slightly jealous.
"Yes, Richie," Eddie said, rolling his eyes. "Friend. And I haven't spoken to him in nearly twenty years, so you can calm the fuck down."
"It was longer since we had spoken," Richie pointed out, "and look where we are." He gestured between them.
"He was a friend, Richie," Eddie insisted, sounding only slightly annoyed, "nothing more. Believe me, I was still too hung up on you to even think about looking at anyone else."
Richie couldn't keep a grin from overtaking his face.
"Oh, shut the fuck up," Eddie bit out, even though Richie hadn't said anything. "Anyway, I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was most likely bisexual, and yes, I was as scared and confused as you are now." Pausing, Eddie laughed, then bit at his bottom lip in an attempt to stop it. "And then here comes Aaron, out and proud as fuck. He didn't care who knew or what anybody thought about him." Eddie frowned deeply in thought before he went on. "We talked a lot. Not so much about our sexuality, but just…about life in general. It wasn't long before I realized that he was just like everybody else, and there was nothing wrong with the fact that he just happened to have a boyfriend. I came to the conclusion that people should love who they love, and everyone else can just mind their own damn business."
Richie was smiling, a slightly sad and somber smile, again being reminded of just how brave Eddie was. "Did you ever tell your mother you felt that way?"
Eddie snorted. "Fuck no. She either would have pulled me out of that school or killed me. Maybe both. I'm not sure. She was really the only one I ever hid it from. I mean, I don't go around announcing it, but if someone asks, I don't lie."
"So wait," Richie said sharply, something occurring to him. "When we were in the Jade of the Orient and you said, 'Let's take our shirts off and kiss'-"
"I was fucking hoping you'd ask me," Eddie said. "Yeah."
"Jesus Christ," Richie huffed, pressing a hand against the side of his face, "I thought you were drunk."
"Well, yeah, I was," Eddie admitted. "I had to be to say something like that in the first place, but I was still using it to try and test the waters. I wanted to see how you'd react." Eddie scrunched up his face in that ridiculously cute way of his. "And if you or anyone else made a big deal out of it, I could have just laughed it off and blamed it on the alcohol. As it was, nobody seemed to notice, so I doubted any of you cared."
"So does Myra know then?"
"Again," Eddie replied, "fuck no. She'd react the same way as my mother. And she's kind of one of those people who thinks that bisexuals are just greedy and want more than one relationship at a time." He rolled his eyes. "She'd probably think I was using it as an excuse to try and cheat on her. It's stupid."
"Well, you kind of are cheating on her, dude," Richie said, grimacing. As much as he still hated Myra, he wasn't proud of the fact that he was making moves on her husband.
"Fuck you," Eddie cried indignantly. "It's only because I realized my childhood best friend reciprocated my feelings of nearly thirty years. I hope you know I wouldn't kiss any Tom, Dick, or Harry who walked into my hospital room and said they were in love with me."
It was Richie's turn to snort. "I hope the fuck not."
"But that's why I want to sort things out with her before I move forward with you," Eddie explained. "It really isn't fair to either one of you right now. But okay, there's two people who I wasn't honest with about my sexuality – Myra and my mother. But I never really kept it a secret from anyone else. Everyone at work knows I'm bisexual and it's not a big deal," Eddie continued, shaking his head. "I was working there before I met Myra, and I had coworkers trying to play matchmaker a time or two and asking me what I'm into. It's really strange actually. You have this mindset that people are going to judge you for it, and I know people do, but my coworkers give zero fucks if you're gay, or bi, or fucking your mom every night."
"That's because you work in the most boring place on the face of the earth."
"But it's true, you know," Eddie said firmly, holding Richie's gaze. "There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with you. It isn't a dirty little secret. Or at least it shouldn't be."
Eddie's hand was still firmly gripped around his, so Richie took a moment to look down at them, at their joined hands. "That's hard for me," Richie admitted, glancing back up at Eddie. "I never had that epiphany. I never had that gay friend that made me realize those things are normal. My mother gave me the gay talk too, and that was all I ever knew. That and Bowers and Pennywise telling me I'm a fucking freak."
One of Eddie eyebrows went up and he stared at Richie questioningly. "Well, Bowers and Pennywise are two of the most unreliable sources on the face of the earth, so let's disqualify them from the conversation altogether."
"Yeah, I know," Richie said around a sigh. "But you know better than anyone just how hard it can be to not believe the bullshit lies your mother fed you."
"I do," Eddie agreed, "and the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. I know it's scary to think about coming out. Believe me, I almost had a panic attack at the office when I admitted to my coworker that I'm bi. A part of me is still afraid of what other people will think, but I have people in my life that don't care, and that's enough. But if you don't want to tell anyone yet, I'm okay with that. I just want to be with you, and we'll think about telling people when you feel ready."
Richie let out a heavy breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. For a very precarious moment, Richie was even terrified that Eddie would be angry at him for wanting to keep their relationship a secret. Richie was actually so tied up in knots, he thought he might even be afraid of his shadow at this point. In fact, he might even be worse off than Eddie when it came right down to it.
Richie laughed, mostly to try and release tension than for the fact that anything was funny. Richie brought Eddie's hand up to his cheek, pressing the backs of Eddie's fingers to his skin. "Thank you," Richie whispered. "I never – god."
A sob escaped from Richie, seemingly out of nowhere, and then he felt tears springing up in his eyes again. He quickly rubbed a hand underneath his glasses, attempting to wipe them away for all the good it did; more were just forming in their place. A part of him wondered if a time would come when he wouldn't be this emotional anymore.
"Hey," Eddie said. He pulled Richie's hand towards his mouth now, pressing a kiss the back of Richie's hand. "We're going to sort this out, okay? Things with Myra and with you coming out if and when you feel ready – don't worry about it. We'll just take it one thing at a time."
"I know," Richie said around a shuddering breath. "Seriously, how are you so calm about all of this?"
"This is the only thing I'm calm about, believe me," Eddie said around a smile. "That comes from years of being around people who don't bat an eye when you tell them you're bisexual. It wasn't always like that."
"And…" Richie tried, but he was cut off by a hiccup. He pulled his glasses off, rubbing them against the leg of his jeans to try and remove some of the moisture. "Are you getting the same feeling I am?" When Eddie looked at him questioningly, Richie clarified, "This has been so damn easy, you know? You feel the same way I do and you're being so fucking understanding about everything – about my insecurities and fears about coming out-"
"Because you've never been anything but understanding with me," Eddie cut him off gently. "When we were down in the sewer, and I was certain I was going to get you all killed, you didn't yell. You didn't treat me like a liability. You talked me down. You know exactly what I need when I get like that, and that's something not a lot of people are willing to understand. And you get that. You get me. Even now, when I have so much to sort out with Myra, you're willing to give me that time, and…you're not throwing a fit the way I know she's going to. You're willing to wait for me and-" Eddie suddenly laughed. "I never even imagined I'd have two people vying for my attention, but here we are. So yeah, in a way, this does feel too easy and too good to be true, but maybe it's because It's dead."
"Maybe," Richie agreed, sniffling slightly. "It's just…overwhelming. Here I was thinking you'd hate me at the very least for being gay. I really, really thought I was going to lose my best friend for being honest about my feelings."
Eddie shook his head firmly, pressing Richie's hand into his cheek. "Never," Eddie told him solemnly. "I hope you know now that there's nothing you can't tell me. If we're really going to pursue a relationship, we're going to have to be honest with each other. I want you to be able to come to me no matter what you're feeling so we can sort it out together, okay? No more secrets."
Richie nodded, leaning down and placing his forehead against Eddie's. "No more secrets."
Unbeknownst to Richie, it might not be a promise that would be so easy for him to uphold.
To be continued…
Author's note: Lots of talk here about sexuality and coming out. Please do let me know if I've written anything offensive, because that's never my intention. This story is taking on a life of its own, which is par for the course where I'm concerned, I'm afraid. This is going to follow Richie and Eddie through the next year of their lives, exploring some of their ups and downs as a couple, so there's lots more to come!
