Author's note: Part of this chapter (Eddie and Richie's conversation in the bedroom) was one of the very first scenes I had planned and written for this story. It was so rewarding to finally get to this point where I could flesh it out and give it some context, because so many of the other details were still up in the air when I first started this story. Who knew that it would take me 27 chapters and 170,000 words to get to this point? As always, thank you for sticking with me this far.
Also, as I was getting ready to post this, I've realized that it was Richie's birthday the other day, so happy birthday to this big dumb idiot. I hope that this serves as an appropriate present.
Brave
Chapter 27 – Heart and Soul
Richie was right. His housekeeper, Helen didn't bat an eye that Eddie and Richie were very clearly sleeping in the same bed together. In fact, although she never came right out and said it, she seemed thrilled at the idea that Richie now had a companion to share his life with. The more and more Eddie unpacked his things and made himself at home in Richie's apartment, the more Helen warmed up to Eddie.
And Eddie liked her. She was almost like the mother he never had. Although she was about the same age his mother would have been, the similarities ended there. A bit plump, but much less so than his mother, Helen had salt-and-pepper hair and a faint Russian accent. She was…comfortable, and Eddie understood why she had worked for Richie for so long.
Eddie left work early on Monday, the day that Richie was due to come home, and he stopped at the grocery store to pick up a selection of things for dinner. He wasn't sure what in the fuck he was going to make for dinner, so he hoped that Helen would still be at the apartment to give him some tips.
Eddie felt fairly proficient in the kitchen, and it came from years of having to make sure that nothing he was eating would make him sick. Eddie also had a general idea of what Richie liked to eat, but he also knew that tastes might change over the years. Although he and Richie had eaten more than enough meals together since they had reunited, Eddie still wanted to get Helen's opinion on what he should make. She cooked for him here and there over the years (especially when he was working a lot or coming back from a tour), so she would likely have a good idea of what Richie found particularly comforting or something that would cheer him up.
When Eddie let himself into the apartment, he was juggling several grocery bags, and he managed to get his keys into the small dish by the door. He made a beeline for the kitchen to set the bags down before he lost them all and made a disaster out of everything. He was pleasantly surprised to find that Helen was still there, tidying things up.
"Oh, thank god you're here," Eddie said, finally setting his bags down on the island counter. "Richie is coming home today and I wanted to make him something special. I just don't know what. I was hoping you could help me."
Helen paused as she finished wiping down the counter around the sink. She turned to Eddie, folding her rag into a neat little square. "I daresay you know him much better than I do," she said around a little smirk.
"Yeah," Eddie said, sighing, "but you've been cooking for him for how many years? I wanted some ideas on what sort of comfort food he likes or something you make that might cheer him up."
"Cheer him up?" Helen asked, a frown overtaking her lined features. "Is something wrong?"
Eddie plopped down into one of the island barstools, staring down at his hands. "I don't know. I talked to him last night and he seemed…bummed out about something. He said he was just tired from the tour, but…I don't know."
"He does come back from his tours exhausted a lot," Helen told him, moving to take the seat at the counter next to him. "It's a lot of work – the traveling and having to be on top of his game every night. It can be a lot of pressure and it takes its toll."
Eddie's thoughts drifted to the fact that Richie had to be on top of a game that he didn't even want anymore, and knew that that would be even more exhausting than usual. "Yeah," he agreed. "And you'd know better than me. I've never been through this with Richie before."
As close as Eddie and Richie were, and as much as they were getting to know these new adult versions of each other, Eddie realized that he and Richie still had so much they had yet to encounter together. So many new situations that they'd have to learn to navigate, and that would become even more apparent once Richie came out publicly. As much as Richie liked to downplay the fact that he had friends outside of the Losers, Eddie was glad that he had people like Jason and Helen who had supported him in the intervening years.
"Once he's back in his own bed," Helen said, "and he gets some rest, he'll be back to his usual self. He just might spend some extra time sleeping over the next few days, but don't be alarmed. It's what he does to decompress."
It was still nagging at the back of Eddie's mind that Richie had a lot more on his mind right now than normal, but he didn't say anything; no one outside of their circle of close friends (and Jason of course) knew that Richie was planning on coming out publicly, and Eddie would leave that for Richie to announce when he felt ready.
Helen laid her hand on the counter, like she was about to reach for Eddie's, but then she thought better of it. Instead, she leaned forward and said, "This is par for the course with him. He'll be okay, but I'll help you to make something that'll cheer him up if you want."
Giving her a grateful smile, Eddie reached out for the one of the bags on the counter. "I got a lot of stuff, because like I said, I wasn't sure what I was making. Does…is there a comfort food in particular that he likes?"
"Not to brag," Helen said, peeking into one of the grocery bags, "but he always brightens up when I make stuffed cabbages."
Eddie blinked. "Stuffed cabbages?"
Helen hummed in response. "He doesn't eat them often, I don't think, because you know what they about too much of a good thing, but he loves them. And well, unless I make them for him, he always says they're not as good." She winked at him.
Eddie contained a giggle, even as he marveled at how much he still had to learn about Richie. And the fact that some of his friends seemed to know Richie better then he did. At least in certain ways.
"Is that something you can eat?"
"I think so," Eddie told her. "Except…does it have eggs in it?"
"Just as a binding agent for the meat," Helen said. "I can substitute fruits or vegetables for it." She got up off her stool and went over to the refrigerator, pulling the door open. "You have avocado. That would work well. And you still have some cabbage leftover from when I made halushki."
"And as long as it doesn't have any cashews, soy, or gluten, I'm good."
"None of those things in stuffed cabbages to speak of." Helen pulled the remaining head of cabbage and an avocado from the fridge, setting them on the island counter.
"I bought ground meat and rice," Eddie said, finding them in the grocery bags. "Is there anything else you need?"
Helen seemed to consider this before turning to one of the cupboards over the stove. She rooted around in it for a moment before withdrawing a can of tomatoes. She held it up for Eddie and said, "You have canned tomatoes. I can make stuffed cabbages."
Eddie jumped up from his seat, suddenly rather excited for Richie's homecoming and ready to do something to do cheer him up. "What do you need me to do?"
It was nearing eight o'clock that evening, and Eddie was trying very hard not to jump out of his own skin. He tried to sit down on the couch and read one of his books, but he couldn't concentrate. His mind kept drifting to Richie, to what his current state of mind might be like when he finally arrived home, and it was tying Eddie up in knots. Richie had texted him a while ago to let Eddie know that he'd be home sometime after eight, and as the minutes ticked by, the antsier Eddie became.
"Jesus," Eddie muttered, closing his book with a snap and setting it down on the coffee table. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced around the otherwise empty apartment. Helen had left once they'd finished the stuffed cabbages, and Eddie was only now beginning to realize how empty the house felt. Especially with Richie gone.
Eddie really wanted to make himself some coffee, even though he was already nervous enough. He thought tea would be much better for his state of mind, but he didn't really want tea. He didn't want anything, in fact. Just for Richie to come home and to know that everything was okay again.
Eddie gazed at the ring on his left hand, using his right to turn it around his finger a few times. Even though Eddie knew Richie still loved him and that things between them were okay, Eddie didn't like when things for Richie were so up in the air. So confusing and trying, and it made Eddie wonder if things would be okay for them in the end. But he knew they would be. He was just being his stupid paranoid self.
Just then, Eddie heard the sound of a key in the front door and jumped up off the couch. He rubbed his hands on the legs of his jeans before running for the door. But he stopped short, hovering several feet back, because he didn't want to appear like an overanxious child. Or a significant other that couldn't get along without his fiancé.
When the door finally opened, it revealed a rather haggard and exhausted Richie. It appeared that he hadn't taken the time to shave that day, because the scruff on his face was a bit longer than normal. His hair stuck out at odd angles, like he had been compulsively shoving his hands through it on the way home. He also looked like he could fall into bed and sleep for a week, so perhaps that had been more than a grain of truth in Helen's words.
As soon as Richie saw Eddie, however, a smile lit up his face. Richie let his duffel bag drop to the floor before stepping forward. He immediately wrapped his arms around Eddie, lifting him up slightly from the carpet beneath their feet.
Even though Eddie normally would have protested this, he only hugged Richie around the neck, burying his face against Richie's stubble. "I missed you," Eddie whispered against his skin.
When Richie set him back down on the floor, he pulled back and said, "You have no idea." He leaned back in again, pressing his lips insistently against Eddie's.
Eddie groaned into Richie's mouth, tightening his arms around Richie's neck. Even though Eddie knew that he and Richie still likely had things they needed to talk about, it at least helped to assuage some of his fears that there had ever been any problem between the two of them.
Richie broke their kiss nearly a minute later, sniffing slightly at the air. Richie blinked and asked, "Is that Helen's stuffed cabbages I smell?"
"Uh huh," Eddie murmured around a demure smile. "I asked her what meal she thought might cheer you up, and she helped me make them."
"You made stuffed cabbages?"
"Well," Eddie conceded, "Helen mostly made them and I helped. They're ready and in the fridge. We just need to put them in the oven to heat them up when we want to eat."
"Are there potatoes?"
Eddie hummed in response. "Those are actually my creation, believe it or not – sliced, seasoned, and baked red potatoes. They go great with tomato sauce."
"Fuck," Richie said, pressing another kiss to Eddie's lips. "You're too good to me."
"So do you want to eat or change first?"
"Yeah," Richie muttered, running a hand through his hair. "I didn't take a shower this morning, because I just wanted to get home, so I want to get cleaned up first. I feel gross – like a Reno hotel."
"'Kay," Eddie said as he entwined his fingers with Richie's and followed him into the apartment. "Can I make you something to drink?"
Richie considered this before he said, "Coffee? I know it's late, but…I could really use a cup. I feel like a zombie after driving all day. I'm not going to make it through dinner if I don't have some caffeine."
"Yeah," Eddie agreed. "I was just going to make myself a cup before you got here."
After Richie had disappeared into the shower in the master bedroom, Eddie withdrew a couple coffee mugs from the pegs along the wall near the stove. He got the K-cups from the cupboard and set one to brew before turning the stove on so that it would be ready to heat their food.
Although nothing seemed immediately wrong with Richie, and Eddie was leaning towards Helen's explanation more and more, Eddie couldn't quite shake the feeling that something was still bothering him. Something that Eddie thought Richie would eventually warm up to telling him, so Eddie could see why Richie needed some coffee for that.
Eddie was sipping on his cup of coffee and Richie's had just finished brewing when Eddie heard him come out of the bathroom. He gave Richie a few moments to get dressed before making his way to the bedroom, two steaming cups of coffee in hand.
Richie smiled gratefully and took his cup, taking a moment to blow at the steam before gingerly taking a drink. He leaned back against the dresser, and that was when Eddie knew for sure that something was very clearly wrong. Richie was staring off towards the other side of the room, and there was a sadness in his eyes that usually wasn't there. Not even when they were discussing some of their heavier issues.
Sitting down on the foot of the bed, Eddie took another swallow of his coffee before he asked, "Remember when I was in the hospital and we promised there wouldn't be anymore secrets between us?" He stared down at his cup of coffee, swirling around the liquid as he refused to meet Richie's eyes.
Huffing out a breath, Richie said, "And try as I might, there is absolutely no hiding the fact that I have a secret from you, is there?" Despite Richie's words, there was a tiny note of amusement present in his voice.
Finally raising his eyes from his coffee cup, Eddie shook his head. "I can tell. It's in your eyes."
Richie stared at him for a very long time. His eyes were wide, almost disbelieving, like it was hard for him to comprehend that he didn't even need to spell things out for Eddie half the time. That Eddie just knew. A moment later, Richie stared off at the door to the master bath, wrapping his hands tightly around his coffee cup as if it would provide him with some comfort.
"So what did you do?" Eddie asked in an effort to break the silence. "Have an affair with a groupie or a hot bellhop or some shit?"
"What?" Richie asked, his eyes darting back to Eddie. "No." His eyebrows knitted together and the corners of his lips drew down into a deep frown.
Eddie immediately regretted his words when Richie pinned him with that stare. With that hurt and confused stare. "That was a joke, Rich. I was…trying to make you laugh, but…I guess that was a dumb thing to say, wasn't it? I know you wouldn't do that to me. I trust you, and it's one of the reasons why I love you so much."
Richie smiled warmly at him before setting his coffee cup down on the dresser. He crossed the room in two long strides, taking a seat next to Eddie on the bed. Before Eddie could react, Richie placed his hands on Eddie's cheeks. He tilted Eddie's face up towards him and leaned in, kissing Eddie deeply.
Eddie moaned, a sound somewhere between contentment and surprise, because he wasn't exactly sure what he had done to earn this response from Richie. Maybe it was just the fact that they had just spent a week away from each other, but Eddie didn't entirely care. He immediately deepened the kiss, feeling like he was melting into Richie's touch. Eddie brought his free hand up to cup the back of Richie's neck, pressing his tongue insistently into Richie's mouth.
Richie pulled away to mutter, "God, I love you, Eds." A moment later, he dove back in, seeking out Eddie's mouth with his tongue.
"Don't call me Eds," Eddie muttered half-heartedly before opening his mouth to Richie's tongue.
The truth was, Richie only called him Eds at very specific times – when he was trying to be dead serious, or cute, or romantic, and he wanted Eddie to take notice. The more Eddie realized this, the more it warmed his heart to hear the nickname. As it was, however, he had to keep up appearances and couldn't let Richie think he was actually starting to find it endearing.
No. Not at all.
They were both panting when they broke the kiss, their foreheads now pressed together. Eddie had his fingers entwined in the back of Richie's hair, and Richie still had his hands on Eddie's cheeks.
"I love you," Eddie whispered breathlessly. When Richie grinned at this, Eddie added, "But, um…what exactly did I do to deserve that?"
Richie frowned before he asked, "I have to have a reason to kiss you now?"
"Mm, no," Eddie conceded. "It just seemed out of the blue, that's all."
"I just want you to know that I appreciate the fact that you do trust me," Richie replied firmly. "Believe me, I've met so many people on the road who are fiercely trying to juggle their significant others, because they think they're using their time on the road for the express purpose of having affairs." Richie rolled his eyes and snorted. "It's so stupid. Why are they even in these relationships if they don't trust with each other?"
"You know," Eddie said, momentarily tracing his lips along Richie's jawline, "for never having been in a relationship before, you sure know a bunch of shit about having a healthy one."
"Maybe it's from wishing and hoping for one for so long," Richie said around a sigh. "From watching people have them and seeing what works and what doesn't."
"And I know what's unhealthy," Eddie replied, "which is mostly what my mother and Myra did. And this is so vastly different, I'm still having a hard time believing that this is what I get to have now. That's one of the reasons why I trust you so much. Because you're different from them in just about every single way."
"God, I fucking hope so."
"Can you talk to me about what happened?" Eddie asked. He lowered his hand from the back of Richie's neck, threading his fingers through Richie's. "I know something's troubling you. I knew when we talked on the phone last night. Even though you told me you were just tired…I could tell that wasn't the extent of it."
Richie turned his head to stare across the room again, rubbing his free hand over his thigh. He pressed his lips together tightly, and Eddie could see the faint shimmer of tears in his eyes. "It's not that I feel like I can't talk to you about this. I just hate the thought of telling you that I failed…again." He hung his head, sniffling slightly.
"I…" Eddie began, but then he stopped. That was certainly not what he expected Richie to say, and now he wasn't quite sure how to reply. He took a moment to switch gears entirely. "Did…one of your shows not go well again?"
Shaking his head, Richie stared down at his lap. He sighed heavily again before he said, "No. My last show was another fucking bomb. I forgot my routine and ran off the stage again. Like a coward." He covered his face with his hand, his cheeks burning red.
"Oh, Richie," Eddie began, but then he stopped. He took a moment to set his coffee mug down on the bedside table before he turned to fully face Richie. "I'm so sorry," Eddie said, wrapping his arms around Richie. "But you know…it doesn't make you a failure or a coward. And I'm not disappointed in you for it. Not in the least." Eddie just held him for nearly a minute until he pulled away to look Richie in the eye. "But what happened?"
"What do you mean? I just told you what happened."
"You don't just forget your routines for no reason," Eddie said knowingly. "Especially ones that you've been performing for so long. The last time it happened was because Mike called you. Or should I say the only other time it happened, because you said nothing like that ever happened to you before."
Despite the tears still present in Richie's eyes, a very faint smile spread across his lips. "I don't know if I'll ever get tired of how well you know me. Like no one else does or ever has."
Eddie returned his somber smile, taking one of Richie's hands in his and massaging Richie's shoulder with his other.
Richie swallowed hard before he admitted, "Something did happen." He let go of Eddie, stood up, and walked back to the dresser near the window. Richie stared out over the highway in the distance, watching the headlights and taillights of the cars coming and going. Richie put his hands on his hips. "I ended up with a fucking asshole in the audience that decided he would have some fun at my expense."
"Oh," Eddie murmured softly, because he felt caught off guard on all accounts now. "Did…did he heckle you?"
"I wouldn't call it that, no," Richie replied. "I've been heckled before and that wasn't it."
"What did he say?"
Richie didn't answer Eddie's question directly, but he said, "He must have seen us at the pier that night. I don't know how else he could have known."
Realization dawned on Eddie and he now felt slightly embarrassed for even beginning to think this had anything at all to do with Richie's feelings for him. "Oh god, Richie," Eddie whispered. "Was it…the F-words?"
Richie's eyes slid closed. "Among other things."
"Jesus," Eddie muttered, rubbing a hand over his face. He was on his feet a moment later, making his way over to Richie. Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie's waist from behind, resting his cheek against Richie's back. "I'm so sorry, Rich."
Richie rested his hands over Eddie's on his stomach, gripping them tightly. "I had just started my routine – you know, that new part I wrote to explain where I've been." He scoffed before he added, "The part I wrote that's still nothing but a lie. About meeting that hot nurse and pissing off my girlfriend." He broke off to shake his head, still staring out the window at the passing cars, headlights bright against the night sky. "I can't even pretend that I know anything about that – trying to juggle two relationships, because…it's only ever been you."
"I know the feeling," Eddie said warmly, giving Richie's middle a squeeze, "because I wouldn't really call what I had with Myra a relationship."
Richie pulled out of Eddie's grip slightly then turned around, leaning back against the dresser behind him. He reached out for Eddie's hands, gripping them firmly. "Yeah, but this asshole basically called me out on it. Asked how I knew anything about women since I was a fucking…you know."
"Oh, Rich," Eddie sighed, taking a step forward and pressing his forehead into Richie's chest. "I'm so fucking sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" Richie asked. He reached between them to grip Eddie's chin, tilting his face up towards him.
"Because this asshole wouldn't have known if we hadn't been so demonstrative at the pier." Eddie lifted one of his feet from the carpet, using his toe to lightly kick at the fibers.
"Don't," Richie said firmly, shaking his head almost wildly. "That night at the pier was one of the best I've ever had in my life. Don't you dare fucking apologize for it. Not because of some asshole."
Eddie tucked his head against Richie's chest again, because he didn't know what else to do. He was afraid he might start crying if he continued to look into Richie's eyes, and he wasn't sure if he could properly express himself right now. The way Richie was adamant about their night at the fair was almost overwhelming to him. Eddie could only wrap his arms around Richie's waist again, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that threatened to form.
Richie returned the gesture, laying a soft kiss to the top of Eddie's head. "But, um…James actually stuck up for me," Richie continued on. "Told the asshole to shut up and get out if he didn't like it."
Eddie snorted in laughter before pulling away to look up into the Richie's eyes again. "I wish I could have seen that. You know, if it wasn't for everything else."
"Yeah," Richie agreed. "Anyway…that was when I went blank on my routine, and I thought I was going to be sick again. I started to run off stage, and that was when I passed out."
"On…on stage?"
"Just as I was getting behind the curtains," Richie explained. "I fell over onto my head and…" He stopped, raising a hand to his face and pushing the hair back from his forehead. This revealed a deep purplish bruise and bump along Richie's hairline.
"Shit!" Eddie exclaimed, reaching up to press his fingers gingerly against the lump.
"It's not as bad as it looks," Richie said. "James looked over me to make sure I didn't have a concussion or anything, and he made me put ice on it. He said that helped with the swelling quite a bit."
"Jesus," Eddie muttered. "I wish I had been there. I…I feel terrible for not being there for you after it happened."
Richie shook his head in response. "It's not something I would have wanted you to see. I'm kind of glad you weren't there."
"But Richie?" Eddie asked, pressing his hands against Richie's chest. "You know I don't think you're a failure because of this, right? I would never think that about you, especially not for something that wasn't even your fault. Not for something that that ignorant asshole did."
"That's what Jason and James said," Richie explained, "and that's why it was so late when I called you last night. I was embarrassed and…we talked for a while."
Eddie smiled in response. "I'm glad they could be there for you if I couldn't."
"Me too," Richie agreed, "but I told them I'm not going to do this again."
"What do you mean?" Eddie's heart thumped uncomfortably in his chest, because for a very precarious moment, he thought that Richie was talking about giving up comedy for good. It had been Richie's dream for his entire life to be a successful comedian, and Eddie knew he wouldn't be happy if he gave up on it now – not when he was so close to having what he wanted.
"I want to come out," Richie said firmly, and Eddie had never heard him say those words with such conviction. "I'm going to the next time I do a show. I'm not sure when that will be, because Jason doesn't have anything else booked right now – thank god – but…it's going to be my coming out show. I'm not going to do a routine full of lies anymore, so no one else can ever put me in this position ever again. I'm taking control of it."
"Rich…" Eddie gasped out, but he could only wrap his arms around Richie again. He stood on his tiptoes, hugging Richie tightly around his neck. When he felt Richie's arms snake around his waist, Eddie whispered, "And I'm here for you every step of the way. I'm going to try my hardest to be at that show for you, but…even if I can't be, you know I entirely support you in this."
"Are you absolutely positive you're ready for that?" Richie asked, pulling away gently so that he could look down into Eddie's eyes. "I mean, I know we've talked about it before, but are you sure you're going to be okay once this comes out? I hate the thought of throwing you into this mess."
"I want you to do what's right for you." Eddie lowered his hands to Richie's shoulders, gripping them tightly and running his thumbs over the fabric of Richie's t-shirt. "I know how hard these last few shows have been for you, so if this is what you need to do right now, I'm completely behind you one hundred percent. I want…to see you happy and excited about your career again, and if this is what's going to help you get there, then yes. I'm more than okay with this."
Richie let out a long and heavy breath, relaxing into Eddie's touch. He leaned forward to lay another kiss to the top of Eddie's head and said, "You're so fucking amazing. And I'm sorry I didn't talk to you in the first place. It would have saved me a very long sleepless night last night."
Smiling up at Richie, Eddie asked, "Feel better?"
"Much," Richie said before kissing Eddie again.
Eddie returned the kiss, pushing himself up onto his tiptoes and tightening his hold around Richie's neck. Richie's arms were still around Eddie's waist and he pulled Eddie against him, letting out a soft moan into his mouth. Grinning as he broke the kiss, Eddie took a few steps backwards, leading Richie toward the bed.
Richie's eyes glinted mischievously as he went. "What about the stuffed cabbages?"
"Mm," Eddie hummed as he considered this, still tugging Richie insistently toward the bed. "We always start with dessert first, don't we?"
Richie's grin deepened just as the back of Eddie's knees met with the edge of the bed. He dropped down onto the mattress, kicking off his shoes, and scooching back until he was seated in the center of the bed. A moment later, Richie joined him, crawling up the mattress towards him. He dropped down onto Eddie's right side, sidling over until their bodies were pressed up against each other. Richie lifted his leg, tucking it in between both of Eddie's before leaning down to kiss him. Richie ran his hand over Eddie's stomach, being careful not to dip his fingers underneath the fabric of Eddie's t-shirt just yet.
When Richie broke the kiss, he let his eyes travel down Eddie's body to where his hand rested on Eddie's stomach. "So you remember that picture you sent me the other night?" Richie asked. He met Eddie's eyes again and asked, "Was that an invitation?" He let his hand drift over to where he knew Eddie's scar would be, just underneath his t-shirt.
Eddie swallowed hard and nodded, suddenly feeling his heart leap up into his throat. He'd been considering how to broach the subject with Richie, and it seemed as if the picture of his scar the other night had done it. Now that the moment was actually here, however, Eddie felt his stupid old fears come creeping in again.
He knew that Richie wouldn't be disgusted by his scar. Richie had seen it more than enough times already anyway, so he knew fully well what to expect. At the same time, however, Eddie had never shared it with him in this way before – never when they were making out – and the idea was still enough to scare Eddie senseless.
"Just…go slow," Eddie said around a breath. "It's…sensitive."
Richie immediately seemed to pick up on his trepidation, because he said, "We don't have to. I know even letting me see it outside of the bathroom is a big deal for you, and I don't want you to force yourself into doing something you aren't comfortable with. You know I would never want you to do that."
"I know," Eddie said around a smile, "and I do want to. It's just…scary. You know…doing something new."
"I know," Richie agreed, still massaging his fingers along Eddie's t-shirt where the scar ran. "If you need me to stop, just say the word, and it stops. No questions asked. You know that too, right?"
Eddie nodded, taking a deep breath to try and calm his nerves. He ran a hand up Richie's shoulder, caressing the backs of his fingers over Richie's cheek. "I trust you, Richie."
Richie kissed Eddie again before finally letting his hand drift down to the bottom hem of Eddie's t-shirt. He didn't immediately reach for Eddie's scar, but slowly let his fingers trace the waistband of Eddie's jeans. Richie gradually made his way across Eddie's stomach until he found the raised line of skin indicating the bottom of Eddie's scar.
Sucking in a sharp breath, Eddie squirmed a little underneath Richie's touch. It wasn't a bad sensation, but his skin there was somehow ridiculously sensitive, and it almost felt like it had never been touched before. This was so much different than having Richie help with his bandages or help him to apply antiseptic or cream to it. It felt like tingles were exploding where Richie's fingers were, because Eddie knew that Richie was touching it for reasons that had nothing to do with the care of it. That Richie was touching it in a completely loving way because he wanted to.
"Too much?" Richie asked, pulling his fingers back from the raised skin. "Do you want me to stop?"
Eddie shook his head, because he definitely wasn't ready for Richie to stop exploring it. "No. It's just…sensitive as fuck. It's like…when your arm or leg has fallen asleep and the circulation is just starting to get back into it. The way it's really tender for a while, and you can't bear to put any pressure on it. But I don't want you to stop. Just…be gentle."
"Always." Richie dipped back down to kiss Eddie's lips again as he settled his fingers back down on Eddie's scar. Richie lightly grazed his fingertips across it, slowly working his way up Eddie's chest.
Eddie relaxed farther into the mattress, bringing his free hand up to cup at the back of Richie's neck. He pulled Richie down, deepening the kiss they were sharing. His fingers found Richie's hair next, entwining his fingers softly in the curls.
When Richie's fingers had reached about halfway up Eddie's chest, he laid his hand down flat, lightly pressing his entire palm against the length of Eddie's scar.
This did things to Eddie that he never, in a million years, imagined he'd be feeling from anyone touching his scar. His cock twitched in interest, causing Eddie to break the kiss. He gasped in a breath, thrusting his hips up at the air. He was left staring up at Richie in confusion, because he had absolutely no idea where his reaction had come from. He even felt his cheeks burning, embarrassment coursing through him when his making out with Richie hadn't even been that intense.
Richie immediately lifted his hand from Eddie's scar, and Eddie almost wanted to whine at the loss in contact. What in the hell was happening to Eddie? How in the fuck did his scar become such a sexually erotic area that was quivering for Richie's touch and sending bolts of pleasure down to Eddie's cock? Eddie didn't say anything, but it put some very interesting possibilities in his head that they could definitely work with going forward. It was…exciting. For fuck's sake, Eddie was excited about the things Richie could do to his scar, and the things it would make Eddie feel in his nether regions.
"Should I stop?" Richie asked, his eyes wide in concern.
"No," Eddie said, shaking his head. "That…that wasn't a bad reaction." Eddie huffed out a breath before he laid his hand over the one that Richie had under his t-shirt. He pressed down softly until Richie's hand covered his scar again. "It…actually feels really nice."
"Yeah?"
Eddie nodded softly. "Yeah. Don't stop."
Richie slowly glanced down at Eddie's body, to the bottom hem of Eddie shirt which was still obscuring Eddie's scar. Then his eyes twinkled when he noticed that the front of Eddie's jeans had tented up slightly.
One of Richie's eyebrows went up, his mouth twitching in amusement. "I hardly even touched you."
"I told you," Eddie bit out, "my scar is sensitive, dumbass."
When Richie's eyes stopped on Eddie's stomach again, he bit at his bottom lip. He met Eddie's eyes again before he asked, "Can I look?"
Aside from any sexual arousal he was feeling, Eddie's breathing and heartbeat had mostly returned to normal. Richie's question, however, forced them to kick up a few notches again. Eddie diverted his eyes, glancing across the room at the large picture windows looking out over the highway and the ocean beyond.
"I was just asking," Richie said softly, beginning to trace his fingertips along Eddie's scar again. "You can absolutely tell me no and tell me to fuck off."
Eddie closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. He knew he was being stupid. Richie had already seen his scar more times than he could count, so Eddie didn't know why this was such a big hurdle for him. The way Richie was caressing his scar already made Eddie feel ridiculously loved and treasured, and he knew that nothing about his scar was going to disgust Richie.
He knew. Without a shadow of a doubt, he knew.
Eddie opened his eyes again and nodded. "Okay. But…just a little at a time?"
"Just a little," Richie promised. He looped his finger underneath the bottom hem of Eddie's t-shirt, dragging it upwards a little bit. He had only exposed the bottom inch or so of Eddie's scar before looking up into Eddie's eyes again. "Okay?"
Nodding, Eddie relaxed down into the mattress again, forcing his breathing to return to normal.
Richie, meanwhile, had returned his gaze to Eddie's scar, working his shirt up a tiny bit more. He ran the pad of his thumb down the part of the scar he had exposed, tilting his head and squinting his eyes at the raised skin.
"You're so beautiful," Richie whispered. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life, and I can't believe I'm the one that gets to see you like this."
Richie's eyes were sparkling with unshed tears, and they were large and wide behind his glasses. Eddie had never quite seen an expression like that on Richie's face, one so full of pure desire and happiness, and it made Eddie's heart skip a beat.
Swallowing hard, Eddie took a moment to try and find his voice. When he finally spoke again, his words quivered slightly. "You know I've never thought of myself as beautiful," Eddie told him. "After the shit my mother put me through, I always felt…too broken and damaged for anyone to even like, much less love. And even if they did, I knew it would never be because I was anything even resembling beautiful." Eddie took a soft breath, trying desperately not to let out the sob that he felt springing to life inside of him. "And then this happened, making me feel even uglier and more horrific than I did before."
"You're not…" Richie began, slowly trailing off. Richie dipped his head, laying the most soft and tender kiss on the bottom of Eddie's scar. When he lifted his head again, his eyes were still sparkling from emotion. "You are so amazingly beautiful, I can't even begin to wrap my head around the fact that you thought my life was worth risking yours." Richie sucked in a soft breath and shook his head, which in turn released some of the tears from his eyes. "I told you, I can't possibly think any less of you for the sacrifice you made for me. Me. My big dumb ass."
"Rich," Eddie said, bringing his hands up to the back of Richie's neck again. He tugged softly until he could kiss the tears that had gathered on Richie's cheeks. "And I told you, I could never regret it. I could never wish I could take it back, because I have you now. We have each other, and I can't possibly imagine my life without you. Never could, never will."
"You know," Richie said around a smile, "except for those twenty years when we didn't even remember each other."
"Shut up," Eddie retorted. He took a moment to kiss along the trail of tears on Richie's cheeks again before he said, "My point is, I would never trade this for anything. I would never trade you for anything. What we have now. Because I've never been this happy before in my life, and that's because of you. I mean, I wish that I could make things better for you and your career, and I wish there weren't so many fucking assholes out there in the world. But…I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than right here with you now. This…you are all I've ever wanted."
Eddie brought his hands forward, placing them against Richie's cheeks and waiting until Richie's gaze settled on him and him alone. "You keep going on about how beautiful I am," Eddie said, "but…I don't know if you realize how beautiful are too. And successful."
Richie snorted loudly. "Yeah, because I have a nice apartment, and money, and a housekeeper-"
"That's not what I mean," Eddie immediately cut him off, thumping his hand against Richie's chest. "I'm not talking about money or things. Or even people you can hire. I'm not even talking about your shows, and it matters fuck all if you bomb your next twenty shows or not."
"Oh, Jesus Christ," Richie interjected. "Don't even suggest such a thing."
"But, Rich?" Eddie asked, using his thumbs to wipe at the remaining tears on his face. "When I say you're beautiful and successful, I mean in here." Eddie settled his left hand over Richie's chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart through the fabric. "You have the most beautiful heart and soul of anyone I've ever met in my life."
"Who would have thought? The most beautiful things about Trashmouth Tozier are my heart and soul." He snorted again.
"Rich. Would you please be serious for a minute?"
"Sorry," Richie muttered, his face burning red.
Eddie knew he wasn't really one that liked being showered in compliments, although that was exactly what he needed sometimes. He needed to be reminded that he was deserving of these things, even though he doubted it sometimes. Eddie wrapped his fingers lightly in the front of Richie's t-shirt, squeezing the material in between his fingers, like that might make Richie pay attention to what he was saying.
"Shut up and listen to me," Eddie snapped playfully. "I told you, after what I've been through with my mother and Myra, I never thought I was worthy of much. I certainly never thought I was going to have a relationship with anyone that treated with me with any sort of respect. I…didn't even know if that existed. I thought love was just…controlling and abusing someone. And you and the rest of the Losers made me realize that that wasn't true. But it wasn't until we started exploring our relationship that I realized everything that I am worthy of." A sob escaped from Eddie just then, one he hadn't even felt rising in his chest until it made itself known. "I'm worthy of having the kindest, most patient, loving partner, and that's what makes you the most beautiful person on the face of the earth to me – the way you treat me."
Richie was smiling at him, the tears welling up in his eyes anew. "I told you, I only want to love you like you deserve, and I hate that anyone made you think that you weren't worth that – of even being loved and respected."
"And you're slowly making me realize that," Eddie told him. "That I do deserve true love, and kindness, and respect. And do you realize how beautiful that makes you too?"
For perhaps that very first time in his life, Richie appeared speechless. His eyes were still wide as he ducked his head, kissing Eddie so softly and chastely. At the same time, his fingers started exploring Eddie's scar again, lovingly caressing the raised column of skin that ran up Eddie's chest.
Richie didn't say anything, and Eddie knew that they didn't have to. That everything they needed to say just then had already been spoken, hanging in the air around them like a bubble encompassing them. Like they were the only two people that existed on the face of the earth in that moment.
Richie tucked his head underneath Eddie's chin, resting his head against Eddie's chest. Letting out a soft breath, Richie only curled around him, his hand settling gently over Eddie's scar.
Eddie kissed the top of Richie's head, staring up at the ceiling, at the ripples of light that danced across the paint. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours since Eddie had last laid there, and it felt like everything had changed in that time. Every single time Eddie thought that he couldn't feel any closer to Richie, he was proven wrong.
But this…this was something new entirely. There was something, a connection between them that Eddie had never felt before, and he wondered if Richie sensed it too.
To be continued…
Author's note: Helen is based on my grandmother (my mom's mom) and she even has the same name (and we all called her Gram). I know I've been referencing her for what feels like forever, and I was glad to finally introduce her. And just for the record, her stuffed cabbages were the bomb.
