(Chapter Two)
Lily Evans checked her watch, her mouth turning into a scowl. The hallways had begun to clear out as most of the students were now in the Great Hall for dinner. It did not take a great deal of brainpower to realize that Sirius had no intention of meeting her as she had asked. Uncrossing her arms and throwing them down to her sides with a bit more force than intended, she glared around her more last time and, finding the corridor empty, she began her march towards the Great Hall. There was no point in wasting more of her time than she had standing there.
Severus was right, she thought bitterly. He told me that Sirius wouldn't show up.
She had known that the likelihood of him meeting her had been low. Had it been Remus, the level-headed member of their group, she thought he would give her the time to talk, but had no confidence in the boy's ability to stop either James or Sirius. She had heard him issue his warnings or completely ignore whatever mischief they were getting up to while being involved himself. Of all the friends, Sirius would be the one James would listen to most and had been hopeful that he would reason with him.
She paused, looking down at the letter in her hands, her brow puckering. Mathilde Browning, a fourth-year Hufflepuff, had asked Lily for help in delivering the letter. She was a pretty, shy girl that had a crush on James and when the new term had started, she had asked Lily for advice since she had seen her interact with the boys in the past. Lily had kept her own comments about James to herself, but understood the need for privacy. James had a bad habit of blowing his mouth off in front of her and would assume that the letter was from her, rather than another girl. She had thought that if she could give the letter to Sirius, then he could give it to James discreetly and control his overblown ego.
Since they were not in the same year, Lily knew next to nothing about Mathilde, but from the short interaction with her, she seemed sweet enough. While speaking about James, she had looked starstruck and even though she thought that it was a huge mistake for any girl to date James of all people, she did not feel it was her place to disillusion another female in her pursuit of love.
But now how am I supposed to get this to him without him being a prat? she wondered, frowning. Briefly, she thought of Severus and then immediately dismissed the thought. The letter would go up in flames before he even got two feet from James with how those two were with each other.
She sighed, tucked the letter into her vest and continued on towards the Great Hall. She would have to take the more direct approach with Sirius when he was alone, which would take a bit of sleuthing on her part.
She made her way into the Great Hall and on her way to the Gryffindor table, her eyes sought out another pair and she smiled warmly at the boy who had turned around when someone nudged him. Thin and sallow-skinned, Severus Snape often looked sickly, but upon seeing her, his face lit up a tad and he waved. She gestured towards the doors and tapped her wrist to indicate, Meet me after? He nodded and then returned to his food. The boy next to him that had nudged him eyed her with an unpleasantly direct stare before smirking slightly and turning around. She shivered slightly, unnerved by the stare and then joined the other Gryffindors at the table.
When she sat down, she did not bother to look for James Potter and his group. He was the loudest of them, telling a story that made a group of sixth-years howl with laughter.
"Where have you been?" one of her friends asked as she helped herself to potatoes.
"I was at the library," she said. "I must have lost track of time."
After dinner, she bade her friends goodnight to wait for Severus. All but Alice and Marlene McKinnon left ahead of her. Lily spotted Alice smiling apologetically at Frank Longbottom, her sweetheart who had been waiting for her to follow up to the common room. He shrugged, smiling, and headed off in the direction of the other Gryffindors.
"Are you waiting for him?" Marlene asked, her eyebrows snapping down in disapproval. The tone and expression reminded Lily so much of her sister, Petunia, that she bristled slightly. She had gotten into a row with her sister shortly before they had seen her off at the train station and it still stung slightly.
"Marlene, don't go at her like that," Alice said with a frown, stepping in closer to join them.
Ignoring her, Marlene continued, "Are you two dating?"
"Me and Sev?" Lily sputtered, her cheeks warming in embarrassment. "No. Of course not!"
Marlene exchanged a knowing look with Alice, whose eyebrows raised slightly. Throwing back her thick hair, Marlene straightened herself to her fullest height. "You two live next to each other, don't you?" Lily nodded, averting her gaze briefly. "You're trying to say nothing happened this summer?"
"Well, no," she replied guiltily. Marlene's mouth popped open in an expression of outrage, as if she had done more than conceal information. "Can we talk about this later in the common room? He's going to be here soon."
"He's a Slytherin," she hissed. "And also, you see the type that he hangs around!"
"Marlene is just worried that you have a bad boy complex," Alice put in unhelpfully.
"That's more than just a bad boy complex," Marlene scoffed. "If she had that, she'd just go out with James Potter."
"Enough!" Lily said quickly, spotting Severus exiting the Great Hall. His steps slowed and his smile faded upon seeing the two girls. It was no secret that her friends did not approve of her associating with him. "I'll talk to you later about it."
Alice had to forcefully drag Marlene, who shot a suspicious glare towards the Slytherin boy. Only after they were out of sight did he resume walking, his mouth tugging down at the corners. He had pulled his hair back from his face, tucking the long strands behind his ears, something he only did around her.
"What'd you tell them?" Severus asked with a touch of accusation when they stepped away to stand outside the Great Hall, away from the streams of students leaving dinner.
"Nothing," she replied, clasping her hands behind her back and hoping that her too-innocent stare did not make her look guilty. Severus had a dry smile on his lips, as if knowing that she was not being entirely truthful, though he did not push the subject. "Sirius didn't show up, just like you said."
"No surprise there," he grunted, folding his arms over his chest and his expression darkening significantly. "Just give it to Remus and let it be. Who cares if he brags about it?"
Lily, glad that he had been willing to give up the earlier conversation, frowned slightly. She knew that, while she had good intentions towards the girl, it really was none of her business whether James made a fool of her or not. It was not the first time he had shown off a love letter and then proceeded to date the girl the next day. Something about Mathilde, however, had made her feel that the girl might not react the same way.
Then again, it would not be the first time she was wrong about a girl's reaction towards James Potter.
"Couldn't you – " she began, but he scowled at her before she was given a chance to finish the question. "Alright, alright, never mind."
"Just leave it somewhere he'll find it," he suggested airily. "It doesn't take much for him to get distracted and you can just put it in his book as if she had done it."
This was such a good suggestion that Lily threw her arms around his shoulders and squeezed tightly. "That's brilliant!"
It was a sign of how their friendship had progressed during the summer that Severus did not pull away from her immediately, though his pale complexion did colour. Embarrassed, she pulled away and tucked her hair behind her ear, avoiding his gaze. She could feel him looking at her and as she had not backed away, the warmth of his body was near hers, reminding her of summer nights spent in fields, afternoons at the rivers, and more than a few trips to the shopping centers to get ice cream.
Yet, even with him this close to her, he felt miles away. At school, there was always the separation that came with being in two opposing Houses. Through the years, she had felt the distance growing as Severus became more immersed in the culture that Slytherins tended to foster while her fellow Gryffindors pushed back against her associating with him. It had been Severus, not her, who had suggested they keep their interactions minimal at school because he had seen the prejudice from her fellow students. Even with the rumors of his involvement in the Dark Arts and the company he held, however, Lily still saw her friend behind it all. He was still the boy that had reached out to her, taught her about magic, and had been her only dear friend that understood her and had never judged her for being a witch.
"I should get going," Lily told him presently, smiling to dispel any awkwardness. "I just wanted to let you know how it went and to say 'hi.'"
Severus's eyes had slid from hers as he said, "We shouldn't talk too much while at Hogwarts. Your friends wouldn't like it."
He did hear them, after all, she realized. "Sev – "
"It would be problematic for me, too," he added, returning his gaze to hers. She cast him a confused stare, but he did not elaborate, leaving her to question whether his Slytherin friends disapproved of him hanging out with a Gryffindor. He flashed a quick smile. "I'll see you around."
He turned, then, and headed in the direction of the dungeons. Lily watched him, feeling torn. She wanted to tell him that what her friends thought did not matter to her, but the truth was that it did and she had been questioning Severus's involvement with some of the people in Slytherin. It had never been her place to say anything, not even after their summer together. He had made that clear.
"What is this?" Lily asked one summer night, nearly a week before they would be returning to Hogwarts. She clapped her hands, delighted at the blanket that was laid out in the middle of the field with a jar of what appeared to be magical potion that glowed a hazy lavender. Severus gave a mocking, gallant little bow and then snickered, gesturing for her to sit. Shaking out her thick, auburn hair, she straightened her spine and walked with her hand held out, pinky aloft in a mocking princess-style gait. She giggled as she came to him and then flopped onto the blanket.
"There's going to be a meteor shower tonight," Severus told her, settling next to her and crossing his legs. "I took this from my mom's stores." He gestured towards the jar of potion that glowed in and out like a firefly.
"I wish you'd let me come visit," she said to him. "I've never been to a wizard's house before."
"It's nothing special," he was quick to reply. "Besides, you don't want to be around them. All they do is fight with each other."
Lily's brow wrinkled and she reached out, touching his hand. His fingers twitched and then he took her hand in his. It had become a familiar, warm gesture that recently had begun to make her heart flutter a little too anxiously in her chest. Smiling to herself, she clasped his hand and the two of them sat, gazing up at the darkened sky. Her parents never asked where she was on nights like this, although Petunia complained loudly about Lily getting away with whatever she wanted. Since being accepted into Hogwarts, Petunia and Lily's relationship had been strained to the point of resentment on her sister's part. Lily had tried multiple times to reconcile with her sister, but she would have none of it, even after Lily had made Severus apologize for being mean to her the holiday after their first year. He had done his best to avoid saying anything to her sister if she was around and for that, Lily had been thankful. Petunia still referred to him as 'that boy,' however, and would incessantly tease Lily about him until she was in tears.
Which begged the question now, she realized, of where their friendship lied.
They had seen little of each other their fourth year beyond smiles, an exchange of 'hello,' and infrequent study sessions. She had begun to wonder if she and Severus were even friends by the end of the year. As soon as the summer holiday started, however, he had sought her out and they had spent nearly every day together. And, more recently, they had been going on nightly ventures like this one. Lily had never dated, yet the familiarity and closeness resembled what she had seen in the movies her parents watched. Neither she nor Severus had ever had such a conversation, though, and while Lily liked him immensely, she was not sure whether those feelings were beyond friendship or not.
There had been boys who had asked her out, of course, and she had declined all of them. She had been more interested in books and potions than boys. She was always trying to do better in her Potions class to impress Severus, who had always seemed more advanced because of his mother's skill with brewing. He had begun to show her shortcuts that had helped her immensely over the years. Even with her good grades, she could never cut the brewing time in half like he did or manage to invent new spells. She had always admired Severus's intellect and ever since she had met him, she had tried to get on his level. He always seemed a step ahead of her, though, something she often lamented during exam time.
By that account, most would think that she must be interested in him. Lily was not so sure, though. Even when she was younger, she had always been in awe of Severus. He had known so much more than she did about the magical world when she met him. He had never treated her with pity when explaining things, something she had been thankful for, but it had sparked a fuel for knowledge in her and to, in a sense, make him proud of her progress. In a way, he had been her mentor as she navigated the magical world.
She knew that she liked him, though. The pain of being distant last year had been hard and the moments when she thought they were no longer even friends were spent with her crying silently in her four-poster bed, hoping no one heard her or asked why she was crying. She would not have been able to bear the shame of explaining that she was crying over Severus of whom everyone in her dorm hated.
"I wish it could be like this at school," she said aloud, voicing the one small, sad insecurity that had lingered from last year. She felt him stiffen slightly beside her. Without waiting for him to respond, she added, "I know it can't be."
"It's not that I don't want to," he told her apologetically, "but you're..." He hesitated and suddenly would not meet her eye. "You're in Gryffindor."
Something about how the statement fell flat made her think he had meant to say something else.
"You used to say how you liked that we were different," she quietly said, pulling her hand away from his and folding both of them in her lap. They looked pale in the dark.
"I do!"
This time, she was the one who hesitated before turning towards him. "You know, at school they say there are a lot of Slytherins that plan to join the Death Eaters once they're done with their seventh year. I'm just worried – "
"You shouldn't be," Severus cut in suddenly. His face had hardened and for a moment, he looked unrecognizable to her. As if knowing, he turned away from her, his body tense. She saw his pallid hands bunched into fists at his sides. He pulled his knees up to his chest and seemed to take a bracing breath, frowning irritably. "It's not your business to worry about me."
The statement stung, as if he had slapped her.
Instead of replying, she nodded slowly to herself, lowering her head to stare at her hands again. They felt cold without his grip and for the first time since she had met Severus, she felt like a stranger to him. However, she had never been one to back down from a difficult conversation.
"I like you," she said into the silence, "so that's why I worry."
He shifted, as if startled by the statement. "Lily..."
"It's okay," she quickly said, hearing the strain behind her name spoken. "I just wanted you to know." To dispel any awkwardness, she raised her head and smiled brightly at him. "It's the end of the holidays. Let's not end it on a bad note. I want to enjoy my time with you before we go back to school."
To this, he said nothing and accepted when she moved closer to him, pressing her cheek to his narrow shoulder.
He had not rejected her exactly, Lily knew. She had not given him a chance to respond and he never broached the topic for the remainder of the holidays. In fact, Severus had been acting as if she had never confessed those feelings to him, perhaps to save her pride. It had been a relief to tell him, to put it out there, and without a return of affection, she felt more free to also let go of that feeling if she so chose. Of course, not liking someone was not that easy, especially when it was your childhood friend.
Upon returning to the common room, Lily explained this in a very a summarized version to Alice and Marlene, who seemed subdued by this information.
"He's not a bad person," she told them presently, slumped far into the seat at the fire.
"You would say that because you like him," Marlene grumbled, though seeming a lot kinder. "Of all the people, Lily – "
"Give it a rest, Marlene," Alice cut in exasperatedly. "We don't choose who we like."
After changing the topic to Frank Longbottom, the three girls chatted for some time until Alice and Marlene went up to the girls' dormitory. Lily begged off, saying she was going to finish up some last-minute homework. She watched them until they disappeared and then slanted a look towards the stack of books that had been left by a certain Seeker. Pulling the note out of her vest, she made her way across the common room and flipped through one book to make sure that it was James'. As expected, he had made little Quidditch drawings in the book. One such drawing gave her pause and made her stomach sink. He had taken to drawing her initials in the back of this book in dark ink.
Horrified and yet weirdly flattered, she felt her cheeks flush with outrage and nearly dropped the book upon hearing a voice behind her say dryly, "I wouldn't have thought you were the type, Evans."
Whipping around, Lily briefly gaped at Sirius, who was watching her interestedly with his arms folded over his chest.
"What type?" she asked coolly. "And where were you tonight? I asked you to meet me at the library."
"I didn't feel like it." He shrugged. "And I don't need to get jinxed by old Snivellus."
"Don't call him that."
"Oh, sorry, do you prefer Snivelly?"
Feeling her temper rise, Lily snapped the book shut and threw it back on the stack. Striding towards him, she thrust the letter towards him. "Will you just give this to James? It's from a girl in Hufflepuff that likes him."
He raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Who?"
"Mathilde Browning."
He blinked and then scowled. "No. Tell her to shove off."
Shocked, Lily stared at him. "What a way to respond! It's not your love letter for one thing. And for another, what reason do you have to be so rude?"
He leaned into her, his arrogant sneer on his lips as he said, "It's none of your business. I'll take the letter, but I'm not going to guarantee I'll give it to James." He snatched the letter from her hands before she could pull it away. He made to turn away to go up to the boys' dormitory and then paused, glancing over his shoulder. "I'd stay away from her, by the way. She's a nut. I'm serious."
Without another word, Sirius made his way up the staircase with Lily staring after him, bemused. It took her a moment to realize that she had not thought to ask him why he had come downstairs in the first place.
Mathilde was ecstatic when Lily told her the next day that she had delivered the letter. She omitted that she had, in fact, given it to Sirius rather than James and that he had said called her a rather unkind thing. She knew Sirius's character well by now. He had a criticism for nearly everyone outside his circle and even then, he had a few spare things to say for his friends. Nonetheless, it did put a kernel of doubt in her mind. He was not one to go out of his way to warn her against other women; men, sure, in the interest of his friend, but it seemed unusual to do so about another girl. She elected, after a distracted study session in the library, to do her own investigation to make a decision about Mathilde.
Making her way to the Great Hall for lunch, she pulled her bag up her shoulder a little more securely. Actually, she mused, I thought I was going to have to bully Sirius to take that letter or track him down. Maybe I won't even need to do an investigating about Mathilde. This was optimistic, of course. That had just worked itself out with Sirius seeking her out rather than avoiding her as she expected. After all, if Mathilde truly was a 'nut' as Sirius had said, surely someone else would have noticed, too.
The weeks leading up to Halloween, however, Lily had clean forgotten about Mathilde in the wake of classes. In fact, after having handed the letter over, the girl seemed quite uninterested in Lily. It wasn't until the day of the Halloween feast that she saw her again. She had been leaving the library to meet her friends in the Great Hall when she spotted Mathilde leaning against the wall, her arms folded over her chest. Lily paused, surprised at seeing her inspecting her wand with a pre-occupied air.
"Funny thing," Mathilde remarked when Lily stopped.
"What?" Lily said blankly, unsettled by her behavior. She seemed quite unlike herself.
"I went up to James today to ask him out for the next Hogsmeade weekend," she continued, "and he said that he was going to ask someone else. He had no idea anything about me – or you." She pushed off from the wall, pivoting to face Lily. The shy, embarrassed countenance that she had exhibited previously seemed to have vanished and there was a flat, angry expression on her face. Lily had thought Mathilde was a pretty girl, but somehow when she was angry, she seemed like a vengeful harpy. Her dirty blonde curls were pulled up in a tight ponytail and her grey eyes seemed to spit fire in her fair face.
"About me?" Lily repeated uneasily. "What do you mean?"
Mathilde rolled her eyes. "Come off it, Lily. I heard the Slytherins making fun of Severus about you. You're his little side piece during the summer. And everyone knows that James likes you. He deserves someone better than a wanna-be Death Eater's slut."
The blood drained out of Lily's face at the last word and it felt as if she had thrown a dagger into her heart. She dropped her library bag to the floor, whipping out her wand, although her hand was shaking badly. "Take that back."
Mathilde laughed spitefully. "What? Don't like it? That's what everyone thinks about you, even your Slytherin boyfriend."
No, she thought wildly, Sev wouldn't talk about me like that. He's not like that.
But the doubt was there, deep in her heart, and it made her act without thinking.
She flung out a wordless spell that had Mathilde spinning in an arc and hitting the wall. There was a crack of her head hitting the wall and there was shocked silence as Mathilde disentangled herself from her robes. There was a trickle of blood from her head and Lily's body went cold. It was enough time for Mathilde to shout a hex and she felt as if knives had ripped through her arms. She screamed and stumbled back, looking down to see her robes torn up and her arms bleeding.
As they both raised their wands, there was a sharp voice that snapped out, "Expelliarmus!" and their wands soared to the hands of a very white-faced, angry Professor McGonagall. "Never, in my years as a teacher, have I seen such a violent display!"
Lily highly doubted this, but held her tongue.
"You are lucky I don't have you two flogged, but you've done quite the number on each other that it would seem a waste," McGonagall continued in disgust. "To the hospital wing, Miss Browning. Follow me. And you – " She pointed at Lily, who shrank slightly. "I would never have expected this from someone of my house. Dueling in the hallways!" Mathilde case Lily a smug look over her shoulder as she left towards the hospital wing, leaving her with her shallow cuts in her arms and her torn robes. Only after she had disappeared did McGonagall say in a terse voice, "Explain to me just what could have provoked this behavior."
Lily raised her eyes to McGonagall's, yet she could not bring herself to be honest. This was the Head of Gryffindor house – how could she possibly understand being provoked by Mathilde when it involved a Slytherin? The longer she was at Hogwarts, the more she became aware of just how deep the prejudice ran between Gryffindor and Slytherin.
Instead, she averted her gaze from the professor's and said nothing. She did not want to repeat what Mathilde had called her. The word was still sticking painfully in her heart – 'slut.'
When she continued to remain silent, McGonagall's nostrils flared and she said, "Very well. Detention, Miss Evans. For two weeks. You are lucky neither of you are being expelled. Now follow me to the hospital wing to get those arms treated. I won't have you engaging with Miss Browning again tonight."
Lily nodded mutely and following her obligingly after collected her bag and the books that had spilled out. The pressure behind her eyes threatened tears, but she lifted her chin and clenched her jaw, blinking rapidly. She would not cry over detention.
But, deep in her heart, she knew that the tears were coming from Severus's possible betrayal of their friendship.
