I am shaking there is an earthquake in my heart right in the centre of my being, of a magnitude infinity. I feel fright prickle my eyes. I won't cry, not here, not ever!
I hate hospitals all of them. I feel Carlisle's tall shadow beside. I know he is trying to be comforting but he is being suffocating.
I feel the inner demon within me roar against the bars of my ribs. I feel my upper lip curl with disgust. 'Run away, run away!'my mind cries. Oh how I wish I could be heartless like the marble monster beside me, but I cannot. The fist sized organ within me beats. I can envision the muscle covered in blood and more blood it is encased in the thick fluid like a box of doughnuts.
I hate doughnuts they are deep fried bagels that it that's all. And the worst thing about doughnuts is they are happy. I HATE HAPPY.
A gurney with a prone figure and wires rapidly rolls right by us. I steady my hand on my beating organ. I see the drip of the IV as it is passing life instead of giving it. A failed attempt at survival.
The stench of hospitals invades my nose and makes my nose burn. Why did I say yes? Why did I agree to help? I am selfish and self serving bitch. Not a goody two shoes. There is nothing good about it me, that was revealed a long time ago. I am fine with that really. I am not here for anybody's reflection except my own. Why does Alice's face flash through my mind like a beacon through the dark?
Why do my lungs scream for help hoping that she will come? I am a selfish bitch…not a damsel. I feel my hand robotically wipe my eyes I don't even know what I am doing. I feel so far away as if I am slipping I need to…
"You look a like your mother," Carlisle's velvety voice interrupts my mental disappearing act.
"Huh?" I extrapolate.
'Smooth Hazel, really smooth nice and eloquent, you blasted nicompoop.'
Did he just smile? I clear my constricted throat, "Thank you."
I see him smile again his teeth are just as white as the surrounding walls that appear to get closer and closer as if they are closing in on me.
I need to…
"I guess it has not been easy for you…"
'What is he talking about? And why are his golden eyes so soft."
"No," I hear myself say.
'Why does my voice sound so small. Get back Hazel get back…'
"What kind of doctor are you and how do you…" I ask in that small voice of mine again. I hate this, I hate the way my body wants to smile at him as if he was my fa…no nope, listen to him Hazel just listen to him I tell myself.
"I am a trauma surgeon here. This is my day off as to how I resist…well it is easy after centuries of practice…how do you resist Hazel?" I look into his eyes that seem to be more alive then any human.
"I don't thirst for blood…my mother feeds me blood sausages or blood pudding just in case…I haven't killed," I tell him, my eternal earthquake is thundering inside of me, I have never felt more exposed.
"That's good," he says with a tight lipped smile. I look around, ah, we passed someone. I hate being 5'3" I hope one day I grow or something. I know there are shorter people. I just feel so lost…
"We are heading through to the third floor," Carlisle's smooth voice once again finds me before I can…how does he do that? How…does he catch me before I fall.
My father never knew how to catch me. He never got a chance to try. No, that is not true, those are not my feelings. I look up from the crisp, cool, pale sanitized white flooring with grey lines and I see a freshly broken family.
I hate hospitals they are full of pain. Brimming with pain. There is no healing. All the healing happens away from the hospital. This place, this place, reeks of sickness. I hate it. I hate all the pain and I hate…I gulp elevators. Steel boxes that are fuelled by electricity and we blindly put our lives in their care. No thank you.
"Can we take the stairs?" I hear myself ask in a broken whisper.
"We will get there faster in an elevator," Carlisle absently tells me.
I close my eyes in anguish, a stretcher has come on.
I want to vomit. This person is unconscious and is in a lot of pain I can feel and smell their rotting bile from here. Mind you, I am right beside them. My head soars with a headache, 'make it stop, make it stop!' I hear my mind scream.
You know what else I hate besides hospitals and doughnuts. I hate adults, they are all self serving and immoral. They rule the world and we have to do everything their way. Well I don't want to do everything Carlisle's way or even my mother's way. I want to do things my way! The way…
The elevator doors 'ding' and Carlisle's puts his dead hand on my shoulder. We let the stretcher past first, "Thank you Dr. Cullen," I hear the stretcher pusher say. I have no idea if they are nurse or doctor. I could care less. I hate them, they bring pain.
'They also bring healing,' my inner demon chimes.
"Shut up I didn't ask you and you know death is the ultimate healer," I mutter. I can feel Carlisle's side long glance that is wafting curiosity and concern. I want to spit in his face, I am no freak in a circus. Well I am a freak. I hate circuses. They are…
"Whose this…" a new voice says. I feel a tingle in my mind I clamp my defences shut as if my mind is an oyster hiding a precious pearl.
I feel the monster's surprise…good, I feel my small lips twitch up into a defiant smirk of satisfaction…gotcha Edward.
"Is she awake?" Carlisle's asks.
"Yes," Edward replies. "Why?"
"We need to see her," Carlisle says.
"No, you don't. She is fine, she is healing. We are not even related, you can go in Carlisle but I won't let this mutant in. We are not even related, I can't read her how do you know she won't…" Edward reacts.
If I had hackles they would be raised to the sky right now. "We're related," I bite out. "well, Carlisle is related. I come from a different branch. You need to control yourself. I felt you tickle my mind that is rude and uncalled for. Now, I am here putting myself at risk for your family, so excuse me, I need to go and read your girlfriend," I charmingly tell him. Frankly I am pleased with myself, I was honestly polite, well done Hazel.
When I walk into the room, well I am taken aback. I have never seen such a dull looking human before and that is coming from me. She is dangerous, not in the classical way more like the pathological serial killer I will kill you because I hold a grudge against you way. Woah that was a head full.
Her eyes are lifelessly brown. For some reason I am filled with pity for her, or is that herself. She is staring off into space. I need to do this and I need to do it quick.
"Hi," I lightly greet.
"Hey," I resist rolling my eyes again… 'hey, she is not a horse.'
"Are you a doctor?" she asks in a dull voice.
"No, I am one of Carlisle's assistants, he wanted me to help," I lie.
"So, you're one of them," she says with whispered wonder.
"I can neither confirm or deny," I retort. "What is your name?" I ask.
"Bella."
'A dull name for a dull girl.'
"They tried to kill me their kind, except that they are not their kind, Edward says he is a vegetarian James was not…" Bella brokenly explains.
I feel her fear flooding her like a flash flood. I won't manipulate her emotions. She is better off afraid.
"I am not going to lie to you Bella, you are dangerous too, for them you are dangerous. They lost a member of their coven for you!" I exclaim.
"How dare you! You don't think I feel bad about that. I couldn't just let Edward go, not after…" Bella bites out.
A cruel laugh spurs from my throat as if there is a headless rider within me. If I had fangs they would be bared, "You don't see it do you? You are so weak. You are an energetic vampire a dull lifeless being who sucks all the light from the earth. Your thirst for uniqueness and difference is killing those around you. You don't need romantic love right now Bella you need a friend. And that is not Edward. You are too dependent on him. You need to learn to breathe on your own. You have to remember that he is not alive he has no heart. He is designed to seduce that is why his scent calls you. He is not a friend or foe. Just leave him be…"
"Lies, you speak LIES!" Edward roars.
"Do whatever you want," I say with dizzy indifference as I wave them off. I am too exhausted to try and argue. I released the demon and now I need to…float?
