As I sprint out of my house I feel the slippery blades of green grass under my feet, I feel so disconnected from the world and my body that I wish they were sharp green blades so I could feel their sharp edges cutting into the thick skin of my feet. My vision is split and I imagine crimson footsteps following my racing tracks.
I run fast and I run hard into the forest. I am being welcomed by tendrils of mist floating by my ankles as if they are healing clouds. I am in a cold place and I feel comfortably alone. Some people fear being lonely and being alone. Being lonely is very different then being alone. I love being alone, especially here where the air is warm with cold shadows.
There was a time once when I feared the forest. I feared any part of the natural world really. When I was on top of a mountain, overlooking a meadow, walking in a forest, or even sitting on a log on the beach, I felt so seen and vulnerable, it was like I would walk into the forest and all of my shadows and insecurities were before me. I hated it.
Then something changed like a new season, I can't put my exact finger on it. It probably was a multiplication of events, I think with a shrug as I kick a lone pine cone with my bare big toe and I watch it roll on its side into the recess of a large trunk that is extending its roots like tentacles.
I am beneath a large tree fir tree that is helping to create the sheltered canopy I am under. I look at the rivers of roots below me and I lift my gaze up at the evergreen branches above. I bring my gaze from the long branches blanketing the grey sky above to the brown earth below and I see that the branches above reflect the branches of the roots below. Or is it the other way around, below to above? They are both expanding and growing in their own ways, yet they are part of the same entity. "As above, so below. As below, so above," I whisper, "Forever intertwined in destiny's time." Tears prickle behind my eyes like toothpicks stabbing my skin. I blame it on the spontaneous breeze, that has mysteriously passed by me.
Then I hear voices, gentle murmuring from the meadow beside the grove of fir trees. My curiosity is peaked like a mountain above a cloud. My feet are numb from running and they are soaked in earth. I think I just felt a worm wriggle in my under my toes. I gently walk on the sides of my feet, my father taught me how to walk into the forest without scaring animals. He had to be very good at being quiet and patient considering he was a reindeer herder and they have a strong prey drive, even stronger then horses. I am brought back to the present by a strand of old man's beard tickling my face. I swat at it like a cat and watch the mossy green strand rock back and forth as if it is an instrument that creates mute music. Who knows maybe it is making music but the vibration of the notes are beyond my creature hearing.
"You feel it now don't you," my inner demon whispers.
"Sure, yeah, sure, I feel it," I murmur.
"What do you feel?" it chimes.
"Love, I feel love," I answer but it is not mine, not my love. No, the love that I feel is radiating and pulsing ripples of light throughout my being. I am expecting a unicorn to come trotting out of the thick bush soon. I glance up to see if there are any pink clouds. I tiptoe closer to the meadow and I can see two people embracing in the emerald field wrapped around each other's arms like ivy.
When they separate from their intimate hold it doesn't take me long to recognize who it is. I have only ever seen a dull human like that, for Dracula's sake she looks more boring and awkward standing up. Bella's posture is hunched over and small. I don't need to see Edward to recognize him. I can smell him just fine thank you, he smells clean, he also has a sour smell like ink or something I don't know. All I know is he doesn't smell as good as Alice…she smells…like ra…STOP HAZEL, I scream at myself.
"Let yourself feel…let yourself…" my inner demon suggests.
"Shut up," I mutter.
"You're only lying to yourself Hazel."
"I never asked you for your opinion, go back, get back, and stay back!" I hiss at the truthful entity within. No it is not truthful it lies…it chea…
"Whose there!" A strong voice interrupts my vicious thoughts that remind me of fighting wolves.
I feel the thundering beats of my heart as if there is a herd of horses galloping inside of me. I gulp and I feel my eyes are wide. 'he is a monster Hazel don't show him any fear it will only add helium to his already full ego,' I tell myself.
My fingers absently scratch at my long spindly arms I feel like a spider monkey, no that is not my feeling. Where the hell did that spider monkey thought come from? From the fearful eternal land of flames below, or maybe this moment is hell it sounds so cringeworthy it has to be. Then I feel or see that feeling came from Edward or Bella? I am not sure which. They are both so infatuated with each other it is exhausting. At least Edward didn't try to tickle my mind again. He is an early twentieth century gentleman after all.
My sharp nails itch against my pale skin creating scarlet lines on a pale canvas. My nerves twitch get a grip Hazel. Right get a grip on what? Reality feels so far away. I am being drowned by waves of love, it is overwhelmingly and haunting and I want it to STOP.
"Hello cousin," I greet with a smirk.
Edward lifts his top lip in a growl and Bella puts her boring hand on his chest as if she is calming him. I don't care what she is doing. I want to leave and my feet feel stuck. I am frozen in a green meadow in summer, this is ridiculous!
"Are you spying on us?" Bella asks.
"No I wasn't spying, and even if I was I would most not likely tell you," I generically answer.
"You're not wearing shoes," Edward observes staring down at my speckled feet.
"I didn't feel like it," I say with a shrug,
"You are so weird," Bella tells me with a lopsided smile, she shakes her dull head of long brown hair at me as if we have been best friends forever.
I growl at her and I feel my hands become fists, "Really you of all people call me weird. Get a grip on reality Bella and look at yourself in a mirror. I am not the one who is obsessed with a dead monster!" I bite back, I feel spit fly out of my mouth like venom.
"Are you sure about that?" my inner demon chimes.
I pull at the strands of my blonde hair mere tufts in my long fingers. I feel the world spin and then I feel two hands on my shoulder and a voice in my head, a strong, soothing voice.
"Hey, don't get yourself so worked up. You're safe. For a little monster you have a lot of strength. Enough now, clearly we are family and we did not have a proper introduction. I am Edward and I would help Jasper ground and centre himself when he would react very similarly as you are now. That is why Alice likes you you know. You remind her of him. Let's get you back home, your feet are turning purple."
I look down at the aforementioned anatomy and I can clearly see that my feet are turning purple and red. "Don't talk about her," I mutter.
"Who?" Bella asks.
"Alice," I state, 'you dum dum who do you think?'
I don't wait for Bella's boring reaction instead I turn to Edward and whisper to him to my ears it's sounds like I am shouting, "Do not do that to me ever again!" His reaction is dead emotion funny right…not. I am so done with this moment, this meadow, and this forest that I ignore the bland couple who reminds me of old cereal and I run home back into the shadows, begging any higher entity that Alice is not there.
