Present day...

"Amy you don't mean...? You can't possibly-" Allison stops, choking on her words. She scoffs to herself. "Of course you did...what am I saying?" She's silent and I meet her silence with shame. I am ashamed of what I did. I am very ashamed that I gave myself to him. I used my virginity as blackmail, that's pathetic. But I did it to keep someone important in my life, to keep someone I love.

Or loved?

Do I still love Jack? I know my emotions aren't as strong as they used to be, but I also know that I still harbor strong feelings for him. God, this too complex to think about-my mind is malfunctioning.

Although, there is one thing I know with certainty: I don't want to be alone right now. Not at this moment, not when I'm in this situation. I need everyone that's important to me to stay by my side; to guide me and to hold me. I need Allison, my parents-that is, if they don't disown me-and...I need Jack. He is the father of this baby, and hopefully he'll stay to help take care of it...of us.

Frustrated and atrocious tears appear in my eyes. Why did I not listen to myself? Why couldn't I just continue to tell him 'no'? Why did I give in?

"Throughout the last two months, he continued trying to persuade me to have sex with him, which also included a lot of complaining. I was starting to get really annoyed with it. And at him. You know-" I release a shaky laugh, tears beginning to fall from my eyes "-I'm starting to wonder if maybe I just gave into him because of fear. I was so tired of him hurting me, physically and emotionally. I was so tired of hearing him complain to me and about me, making fun of me..." My voice wavers at the end, making my words sound choked. I bring a hand up to my cheek, wiping away my tears.

"So you had sex with Jack," Allison states numbly.

I nod. "Yep. Six weeks ago...we had sex."

Six weeks ago...

"Jack...?" I walk into the kitchen nervously, my upper teeth biting my lower lip. My heart is pounding in my ears and my hands are sweating like crazy.

I can't believe I'm doing this. That I'm going to do this.

Jack is sitting at the kitchen table with his head down, holding a glass of whine in his right hand. He swirls the glass around smoothly, making the wine create it's own torpedo. Jack looks up at me, his eyes dead. "What?"

I wince. His voice is demanding, bitter.

We just had a fight not too long ago. Our fights don't surpirse me anymore; they're all the same and each one includes the same subject: sex. It's always about sex.

Or me refusing it, anyway.

Because of tonight's fight-this isn't the only time this has happened during a fight-I know I ended up with another small bruise on my arm. During the end of our fights, Jack likes to grab some part of my arm whether it's my wrist, my shoulder, or my elbow; it doesn't matter to him. He just wants to get his point across to me. That's what he told me, anyway. He says that way we can look at each other straight in the eyes, so he can dare me to defy him. Somehow, even through my fear, I always to.

His temper has gotten worse. Jack's voice gets loud, almost deafening, but his physical actions are much worse. I have received more bruises from him in these past three months than I've ever had my whole life. Some are still trying to fade, others, recoloring from abuse in the same spot.

He's scary to be around. I don't know when he's going to blow up.

But I love him...this is love...

"What?" Jack demands again.

His voice jars me from my thoughts. I take a deep breath. If this is what it takes to save our relationship...then so be it. I don't care whether this is wrong. I don't care if it feels wrong. I don't care...do I?

Actually, I cared very much. But I wasn't prepared to loose him.

"I'll do it," I mumble.

"What?" Jack stretches his neck outwards. "Speak up!"

"I'll do it!"

Jack's eyes rise a little, they sparkle back at me. "You'll do...what?"

I sigh, becomming a little irked.

How many times do I have to repeat the apparent "wish of your life"?

I decide to clarify it. "I'll have sex with you."

Jack stalks towards me, his abruptness causes the chair he was sitting in to tumble to the floor. His wine glass soon follows suit, crashing to the ground and shattering into millions of little diamond pieces. For some reason, I'm unable to comprehend any of it. All I could see was the darkened desire in Jack's eyes. I still, frozen with shock.

I have no clue what to do at this point. I said I would do it...now what?

Jack grasps my elbows and I gasp at the sudden movement. I was expecting his grasp to be rough...and I was right. His grip, is no doubt, causing more bruises. Jack starts kissing me. My heart flutters, but whether it's from being nervous or excited, I have no clue. Jack's kiss is rough, slobbery, ungentle, and degrading. He's kissing me as if I'm some sort of stranger, a hussy, a wanton.

Jack drags me upstairs to the bedroom...and that's that...

Present Day...

"...he tugged me up the stairs, shoved me on the bed and had his way with me," I state unkindly, resentment filling my body.

And I didn't do a damned thing. I didn't move, didn't participate, nothing. I layed there like a rag doll.

The bathroom goes deathly silent. Allison is biting her thumbnail. "So that's how it happened, huh? Just like that?"

"Just like that."

Allison looks up at me with somber eyes. "I'm so sorry, Amy."

I shrug. "Don't be. It's my own fault for doing it."

Allison stares ahead. "I can't believe Jack would do that. Would abuse you like that."

I don't say anything. I still can't believe it myself.

"My God." Allison rubs a hand over her forehead, dragging it down to her mouth. "Amy, what are you going to do with all this? I mean, you aren't actually going to stay with him, not after that...right?"

I take a deep breath. "First, I'm going to make an appointment with the obstetrician..." I say, ignoring her other comment.

"Got that," Allison checks.

"Then I'm going to meet up with Jack and talk to him." I let out a breath, hating what I'm going to say next. "After I get over the shock of the news, I'll tell my parents." Everytime I think of telling my parents, colossal waves of fear roll through me. The thought is going to haunt me until I actually do the deadly deed.

"Amy, I'm a little scared for you."

I look at Allison. "Why? They're my parents they won't hurt me."

I hope.

Allison shakes her head. "No, I wasn't talking about your parents. I was talking about Jack."

Oh. I shift uncomfortably. "What about him?" I can't look at her.

Please, Allison, don't say it. I beg of you.

"Don't you think it's dangerous to be around Jack? Especially now with all the abuse?"

Of course she says it.

My heart clenchs. I've thought of the same thing. But Jack is better now after we've had sex. He doesn't yell as much anymore, nor does he hurt me.

He doesn't even ask me to have sex with him.

So I think it will be okay.

I think.

Besides he's the father, he'll take care of the baby. And he'll do it well. He is a good guy. I know;I've seen that part of him.

I shake my head. "I don't think so."

I hear Allison take a breath, as if ready to say something else, but exhales it with no words.

Good. I think to myself. Because I wouldn't even listen to what you have to say anyway.

"When are you going to tell him?"

I close my eyes. "I don't know. Maybe later tonight. The sooner the better, right?" I was trying to sound uplifting, but my voice could only produce dryness.

Allison nods. "We should probably be heading back."

"Yep." I stand up, feelings my bones crack from being in that one position for too long.

Allison mimicks me. Groaning and running a hand along her back, she bends backwards. I hear a few pops before she straightens herself. I look at Allison, my eyes worried. "Hey," Allison puts a delicate hand on mine. "If anything bad happens, I'll be here for you. All you got to do is call or stop by the apartment." She nods. "Okay?"

I nod, feeling more tears arise. "Okay," I whisper back.

Allison gives me a tight hug. I hug her back, needing the feel of someone being next to me. After a few moments, I'm the first one to pull away. "Well, we bettter get going."

Allison bites her lips, seeming troubled. "Before we go, I have to ask something..."

I stop at the door, my hand on the handle. "What is it?"

"Now, don't get angry at me."

Uh-oh, I think. Where is this going?

"But I have to ask..." Allison takes a few heistant steps towards me. "How...was it?"

I close my eyes, hanging my head back. "Oh, God!" I groan.

"I know, I know. I can't help it!" A small smile grows on her lips. "As a virgin myself, I want to know."

I shake my head, smiling drily. "You really want to know?"

She nods her head enthusiastically.

"Painful."

A look of disgust crosses her face. "Painful? Really?"

I nod. "It hurt, but of course, Jack wasn't the most gentle person in the whole universe." It's true. But I'm giving Allison the light version. All I remember from him is pain. His touch caused pain, his kiss caused pain, everything about him caused pain. I remember not doing anything either. I let him do all of it. I remember his vulgar words (no sweet talk at that time) and I remember him crying out in ecstasy. I remember that I was beginning to feel pleasure, but he finished without me...wait a minute...

"I don't think I even had an orgasm," I think out aloud. I slap a hand over my mouth, my eyes growing wide. Whoops. Didn't mean to say that aloud.

Allison looks at me, flabbergasted. "What?!"

I recover myself quickly. "Nothing." I clear my throat. "Let's go." Before Allison could utter another word, I turn the door handle and throw the door wide open. I walk quickly to where the kids are, knowing that once I get there, I will be safe from Allison's probing questions.

We would never, never, have that kind of a conversation in front of these kids.

"Wait, Amy!" I hear her harsh breathing a few feet away. "What did you say!?"

I laugh at her pushy tone and ignore her. I begin to pick up speed, slightly jogging through the hallway,. I'm only a few feet away from the door that leads to the playground. The kids love it out there!

"Wait, ugh! Amy!" Allison cries, her voice whiny. "Tell me what you said back there!"

I laugh again. Allison and her never-ending curiosity.

I push open the door. Kids voices, yells, and giggles could be heard from every corner.

Safe.

Still laughing, this is the most fun I've had in the last hour, I glance back at Allison who's giving me a hard look. She sticks her tongue out at me. I wink back at her. This is the moment where all my worries begin to vanish. I know that everything will be okay. I have her with me, my friend that will never abandon me when things get rough.

Safe.