(Chapter Seven)

Sirius was not feeling his best on Saturday. Whereas everyone else had already left the dormitory, James convincing Peter to do a few rounds on a broomstick around the Quidditch pitch before practice, Sirius remained in bed with the covers bunched up around his head. When Remus had asked if he was going to go downstairs for breakfast, he had mumbled some excuse on not feeling well. Remus, in his most patronizing of ways, had smacked his palm on his forehead and upon finding no fever, shrugged, and said, "Suit yourself."

The idea of going down to the Great Hall and facing Lily was far too daunting. After they had returned to the Gryffindor tower last night, she had bid him goodnight with that small smile of hers and Sirius had lied in bed, horror slamming into him, pressing him into his mattress. Only a bed away was James, sleeping peacefully, having no idea that he had just made out with the girl he was interested in. The overpowering guilt had gnawed at him all night and he had nightmares about James cursing him.

She's not his girlfriend, he had attempted reasoning with himself, she's just a crush of his. This line of reassurance was shot down by the other part of his brain that said, You know what he would think! He's half in love with her already. You're breaking basic code amongst friends.

As a result of this cyclical reasoning, Sirius had made himself nauseous.

The other part he hated was that, in spite of all his rationalization, he did not regret it. He could not. It had not been he, Sirius, who had made the first move – it had been Lily. After their sparring throughout the past two weeks, he would not have thought it possible that she might have gained an interest in him. She had been inexperienced, hesitant, and the feel of her body and mouth had been intoxicating. He had felt like a hormonal idiot in the midst of it, as if a powerful force outside him had unlocked and come rushing into him. He had never, he realized, been more attracted to any other girl.

He groaned again, pulling the blankets around his face tighter and closing his eyes. James or Lily, he echoed in his head when that powerful force tried to tug him back. Something in him was careless, reckless. Another taste, another kiss.

He turned fitfully in his four-poster bed and wished, very much, that he had kissed her again before going to bed last night while simultaneously cursing her in his head for ever initiating anything with him.

Sirius spent his entire weekend this way, with Remus bringing food up to him thinking he had a cold. Sirius promoted this idea to his group of friends in an attempt to avoid going down to the common room. He did not know if Lily was out and about and had no intention of asking after someone that he had little to no relationship with outside of detention. Instead, he remained holed up in the boy's dormitory flipping through old Muggle motorcycle magazines. Peter would hang out with him in those moments, the two of them talking about motorcycles, the twitchy boy eager to hear all about the strange mechanical gears and engines.

During the next week, unable to make any excuses, he forcefully made his group sit as far away from Lily and her group, which caused James to complain loudly to him, "Why are we sitting all the way down here? We're by first years!" This attitude quickly changed Tuesday when the first year girls began to fawn over him as if he were a god. Remus and Peter were indifferent, although Remus did pester him with questions about the sudden change.

"I just got over being sick," Sirius lied, feeling harassed. "Obviously it was from some germ-ridden idiot in our year. They're probably scratching their balls and then licking their hands and touching everywhere." He gestured violently towards where the majority of the fifth years were sitting at the Gryffindor table. "Until the holidays, I'm staying away from them."

Remus's brow puckered and he looked at the first year that was sitting near him, listening to their conversation. They exchanged a look and then scooted away from each other, as if suddenly worried about contamination. Peter outright shoved himself away, a disgusted expression marring his features.

Satisfied, Sirius returned to his soup, grateful to have an excuse at least for this last week. He knew that Lily always went home for the holidays, so he would not have to worry about seeing her around the castle then and he was hoping that by the time the next term started, his thoughts would stop warring with each other and he would be in better control of himself. As of right now, he felt like a beast was trapped in his stomach and was ready to strike out and cause him to make a fool of himself.

He kept this in mind the entire week and by Friday, he was feeling downright cheerful.

"Oi," Thomas Bennett, a sixth-year in Slytherin, called to Sirius as he was making his way towards the Great Hall for lunch. James and the others had gone ahead of him while he used the restroom. "Look who it is, the blood traitor."

Sirius rolled his eyes, bored. "Can't you think of something new to say, Bennett?"

The boy sneered in response. "I'd watch your back if I were you. Your brother's the only reason nobody messes with you."

"Messes with me?" Sirius replied, laughing. "You lot can barely figure out how to get dressed in the morning, let alone do anything to me."

Bennett swore and drew his wand. Sirius was faster, though, and with a swift wordless spell, he had Bennett's head swelling to that of a balloon, making it so he had to hold onto his head that was growing steadily heavier. Onlookers laughed, pointing at him.

"Oh ho, stay sharp, Bennett!" a genial voice said laughingly. Sirius glanced behind him and, upon seeing Slughorn, hastily performed the counter-curse, leaving Bennett with his normal-sized head, but looking particularly disoriented. Slughorn patted Bennett briskly, saying, "Go on, then, boy. You'll want a meal after that."

Sirius would have edged away, but he had enough experience with professors to know better. Instead, he watched as the crowd dispersed and Thomas Bennett went stumbling towards the Great Hall, muttering mutinously under his breath. Sirius returned his wand to his robes and eyed Slughorn suspiciously. He had yet to get detention with Slughorn, partially because he had been careful not to get caught in front of him. This was the first time Slughorn had ever snuck up behind while he was cursing one of the Slytherins.

"What remarkable talent!" Slughorn said to him, rubbing his hands together in a greedy fashion that reminded Sirius of someone sitting down for a meal. "That was a wordless incantation, was it not?"

"Er, yes, sir," Sirius said cautiously.

"Excellent, excellent." Slughorn rocked back and forth on his heels, a gleam in his eyes. He clapped his hands then and spread his arms out in a welcoming gesture. "I must say, dear boy, I'm disappointed to not have you in my house with that sort of accelerated talent. Your brother, Regulus, is in Slytherin, though I would have liked you both. All the Blacks have been in my house for as long as your family has been around."

Sirius said nothing to this, deadpan. He did not want to get into a discussion on how much of a disappointment he was to his mother with Slughorn of all people.

"I don't suppose you'd be interested in going to a little party I'm hosting tonight?" Slughorn continued blithely, seemingly unaware of his faux pas. "A little Christmas dinner in my office. You'll be more than welcome! I invited your brother, of course, but he's always up to speed with his studies – always trying to get the best marks." He waggled a finger towards Sirius, chortling. "I can't have you both slipping away."

Damn you, Regulus, Sirius thought, realizing by that statement alone there was no way Slughorn was going to let him slip out of his dinner. Reluctantly, Sirius said, "Sounds like a good time, professor. What time?"

As Slughorn gave him the time and started rattling off famous names that would be attending, the two of them walked to the Great Hall and only once Sirius stopped in front of his friends to join them for lunch did Slughorn release him, giving him a bright wave and heading off in the direction of the teacher's table. Sirius slumped onto the bench, staring down at the food, feeling as if he had lost his appetite.

"You got detention from Slughorn?" James asked, raising his eyebrows. "On the last day of class?"

"No," Sirius said, "but I did curse Thomas Bennett."

"Nice one!"

As Peter asked, "Who's that?" and James dived into a long history of the Bennett family and their affiliation as dark wizards, Sirius poked at some food disinterestedly. He did not much want to go to a party where he was sure to get paraded around the guests as a member of their elite little club. He had heard of the type of people that Slughorn invited to his parties and had recognized more than a few of the names as people who had attended some of his mother's own little dinner parties.

His darkening mood must have registered on his face for as they got up to go to class, James clapped him on the shoulder bracingly. "Don't worry, mate," James told him. "Only a few more years and then you can be out on our own."

"If I make it that long," Sirius said with a small, grateful smile. As had been the case lately, he found it difficult to quell the guilty squirm that occurred in his stomach when being near James. He had done well to avoid Lily outside of classes, though he knew upon everyone's return after the holidays, that would be harder.

He squashed the uncomfortable feeling down and allowed himself to be pulled into a conversation about the recent British Quidditch league tournament, though his mind was only halfway there.

That evening, he was inspecting himself gloomily in the mirror above the wardrobe with the air of a man going on a death march rather than a party. Remus and Peter were sitting on his bed, inspecting him, Remus trying to stifle a laugh. Sirius had owned dress robes every year due to his mother's lavish parties, but having to wear them at Hogwarts felt awkward and, frankly, embarrassing.

"You look good," Peter told him appraisingly, giving an approving nod. "Why do you look so miserable? I wish I'd gotten invited to one of Slughorn's parties."

"You don't know what these parties are like," Sirius grumbled, adjusting his robes slightly and them rumpling his hair to give some semblance of being a student rather than the puffed-up popinjay that he felt at the moment. When Peter gave him an inquiring look, Sirius continued, "All of these people don't want to give you connections – they want to be the ones to say they 'spotted' you as a great candidate and get all the credit while talking about nothing but themselves. It's revolting."

"Oh, cheer up, Padfoot," Remus told him with a smile. "I heard there will be veela there."

"You know they are basically demons, right?"

"Demons with a pretty face at first. Kind of like me." Remus bared his teeth in a comedic grin. Peter looked horrified at such a comparison.

"Where the hell is James, anyway?" Sirius asked, frowning as he stowed his wand in his dress robes. With Snape around, he dared not walk the castle without it.

"Dunno," Remus answered with a shrug. "He's been disappearing a lot in the evenings, I noticed. I just assumed he got detention."

Sirius's frown deepened and he glanced at Peter, who grimaced uncomfortably. Narrowing his eyes, he poked their smaller friend hard in the shoulder, nearly knocking him back off the bed. "Alright, spill it, Wormtail. You know where he's been."

"Er," was all Peter managed, glancing from him to Remus, who raised his eyebrows at him interestedly. "I do...but I promised not to tell."

"Then don't tell and give me a hint," Sirius suggested with a sly smile.

Peter continued his twitchy gaze between the two and then gave a low groan of misery. "Check one of the empty classrooms in the Charms corridor..."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a too-knowing glance. This behavior was reminiscent of a James with a girlfriend, not the saint he had been trying to portray for the past few months. The fact that he was hiding it from them made it clear that, if that were the case, he was afraid of being teased or called out for his undying proclamations of abstinence.

With this information in hand, Sirius left the Gryffindor tower towards the Charms corridor with a promise to Remus that he would report what he discovered. The corridors were empty of students at this time, most were in their common rooms as curfew was about to start, even for the older students. Sirius, armed with an invitation to Slughorn's Christmas party, was not all too concerned. He carefully stepped from each classroom door, pressing his ear against each. It took him a few tries until he knew that he had found the correct one.

He carefully edged the door open and peered inside, squinting. It was dark, but the moonlight spilling through the windows made out the profiles of a couple. He froze, seeing James leaning against a desk and there, kneeling in front of him, he recognized as Marlene McKinnon. He did not need to watch to know what she was doing kneeling in front of him that way with his robes parted.

He backed away from the room and carefully closed the door. As he made his way back the way he had come, he felt a deep frown settling on his face. He knew from hearing James boast about his ex-girlfriends that, while he had certainly gotten some heavy petting in, he had not actually gotten much further than that with any of the girls. How James had gotten far enough with Marlene to convince her to go that far with him was beyond Sirius, but it made sense why he had been sneaking around and had only told Peter. If he intended to get anywhere with Lily, messing about with one of her friends would hardly ingratiate him to her.

The thought of James with Marlene did not particularly bother Sirius, nor did he mind that he had kept it from him. It was not the first time that James had hidden his activities with a girl before – he had been caught snogging a first-year last year and had kept it a secret because he knew they would criticize him for being with someone so young and all of Gryffindor had made fun of him for it the entire year, though he had taken it in stride. The information, however, did do something else for Sirius. His sense of guilt regarding Lily had completely evaporated. It seemed to him that if James really was willing to get a blowjob from her friend, Lily was fair game at that point and he need not tell James about it.

The playing field, Sirius decided, was now open.

It was with this mindset that Sirius entered Slughorn's party, feeling more at ease in his body and relieved than he had in days. He allowed himself to be paraded by Slughorn and everyone to whom he was introduced were recognizable and they, too, recognized him as being Walburga Black's son. This delighted Slughorn to no end to have one of his students so intimately connected and it took a good deal of effort to shake the man off. Only after many cups of punch and enticing a political discussion about the Death Eaters and blood status between a group of men that Sirius knew were purebloods was he able to extricate himself and allow them to enter in a friendly debate with Slughorn.

He blew out a long breath, having hidden himself in an alcove with a cup of punch and sipping it, glancing around behind him. He nearly spilled it all over himself when a wry voice said, "You certainly made an impression when you came in."

Sirius jumped and turned to see that Lily had sidled up to him, her mouth quirked upward in amusement. "What can I say? We Blacks know how to attend a party," he said flippantly, but a quick glimpse had taken in her appearance. Her hair had been piled on her head in pretty curls, baring her neck and her dress robes were a shade of pale periwinkle that flattered her skin tone. His mind plunged straight into the gutter as he thought of pulling her hair down and without any clothes on at all.

He took a bracing drink of the punch to smother that particular thought.

"I haven't seen you around much," she continued and he had to smile to himself. She was not a girl that beat around the bush – she was straightforward and forthright. He had to admire that about her.

"No, I've been avoiding you," Sirius replied honestly, causing her to blink in surprise.

"But why?"

"Because every time I look at you, I want to kiss you. That should be obvious."

He had caught her off guard. Her face flooded with colour and she dropped her gaze, embarrassed. He was clearly not the only one that remembered how quickly that kiss had gotten out of control. He knew that, as witches and wizards living with each other, they were expected to act above their own emotions and remain in control of vices. There were certain spells that required such control. It was due to this that he and Remus were so good at such spells. He had learned self-control from a young age due to his upbringing and Remus, in an attempt as a contrast to his werewolf side, had utter control on every emotion outside of the full moon.

Even so, Sirius had always wondered how professors expected students to conduct themselves when faced with temptation. At sixteen when the girls were looking more beautiful than ever and the boys could not help but notice their classmates change, it was a wonder that there was not more sneaking around happening in the corridors at night.

"Then," Lily said, interrupting his thoughts, "why haven't you?" She had raised her head again and was looking at him with that defiant gleam in her eye.

He smiled idly and glanced behind him before taking a step closer. "Thanks, I think I will." His kiss was languid, controlled, and only designed for seduction. He did not let himself lose himself this time. She was still inexperienced, but learned as he kissed her. He could feel the tremble in her when he withdrew and he did his best to look away, drink from his cup, and not drag her deeper into the alcove. He was getting quite good at this, he thought. He was even impressing himself.

Lily echoed this thought. "You're quite good at that," she mumbled. "You must have had a lot of practice."

"Does that bug you?" Sirius asked her curiously, looking to her as she came to stand beside him, clasping her hands in front of her.

She hesitated. "No, I don't think so."

He considered her for a few seconds. He did not think she was lying. He was not about to dive into the fact that the girls he had practiced on had been pureblood witches his mother had invited to her parties over the holidays and that, like them, he had been entirely disinterested afterwards. It had been a way to fill time and to try out with someone with whom they were familiar. It had been detached, almost clinical in a sense. Sirius had only told James and Remus about that, feeling far too uncomfortable to admit that he had never kissed a girl he had been genuinely interested in.

Now, looking at Lily, he wondered at the difference between the experiences. Sure, the girls had been cute, but a part of him had been disgusted at the fact that, in some way, they were related because of their pureblood status; he had also never been interested in their personalities, which had always reminded him of his mother. Pureblood females seemed to have the same attitude – haughty, disdainful, and remote to the point of coldness.

It was with this thought that he said, "I don't just kiss girls at school. Dorcas was an exception and not because I liked her."

Lily laughed at this, but it sounded a bit sad. "Yeah? Why'd you kiss her, then?"

"It was the easiest way to get her to shut up and out of the way. I didn't do anything with the girls I dated here."

She raised her eyes to his and this time, she seemed curious. "Why are you telling me this?"

"So that you don't get the wrong idea."

Lily continued to gaze at him and then blew out a breath, turning her eyes back to the party. There was a man photographing people at the party. A group of witches posed, smiling at the camera while he took two photos. He handed them one and pocketed the other for his own uses after fanning it out to allow the picture to dry. The camera was enchanted so that the photos came out moving rather than still like Muggle photographs.

"Not like that," Sirius hastily said, realizing how his statement sounded. "Not as if I don't want – that is..." He trailed off, feeling as bumbling and foolish as he had on the last day of detention.

"I want my last years at Hogwarts to be fun," she interrupted his ramblings. "The first years were hard for me and this last year was...miserable, to be honest. Everyone else has had boyfriends and gone on dates and lived like a normal teenager. I feel like...I don't know, it'd just be nice to make the most of my last years here. We're only here for two more years after we take our OWLs." She was twisting her fingers in her hands in front of her, the only sign of how anxious she felt during this exposition. "I just...I was hoping maybe you could help me with that." Colour had begun to suffuse her cheeks again, but she still refused to look at him.

Sirius stared at her blankly for a second and was reminded of what he had walked into just before the party. Their classmates were out living their teenage experience – had been living it and Lily, he realized, felt woefully left behind by her peers.

"Well," he said slowly, "you've already done well in starting it. You've gotten detention, gotten into a fight, and now you've got yourself a secret."

"I have a secret?" she asked, frowning up at him. "What secret?"

He smirked down at her, pointing at himself. "Me." He took her hand abruptly. "Come on, let's get something to commemorate it."

"What?" Lily spluttered behind him, but did not try to pull away or run from him.

Sirius waved a hand at the photographer, who turned to him in question. "Can we get two photos for us? One for me and one for her?"

"Sure!" the photographer cheerfully replied and Sirius released Lily's hand to stand beside the photographer, who had the lens directed at Lily. Sirius asked him to angle it differently and peered through to look at her. She rubbed her arm, looking awkward, but smiling somewhat.

"Thanks," Sirius told him and then slid into the frame and pulled her against his side, pressing his cheek to her temple. "Smile – this is going to go down in history, you know." The comment made her laugh and the camera went off as the two of them laughed.

The photographer gave them their copies and placed his own in the bag of other photos for Slughorn's scrapbook.

Sirius looked at the photo, a weird feeling in his chest. The photo had been enchanted to start when the lens had been directed at her, so at first it was just Lily until he slid into the frame with her, grinning. The sight of himself made him feel strangely uncomfortable. He had never seen himself smile like that outside of his group of friends. He looked happy. A momentary decision, just for fun and for her benefit, had unsettled him.

"Why is this going down in history?" Lily asked, looking at her own photo copy.

"Because," he said, tucking his in his robes, shaking off the feeling, "this is the start to the rest of your school years. Courtesy of me." He swept her a mocking bow and then grinned at her. She laughed and the smile she directed at him was so warm and blinding. No girl had ever smiled so genuinely at him like that, not without some ulterior motive behind it. All he could sense from her, though, was delight in his company. And he could not help but reciprocate the feeling.