(Chapter Eight)

Going home for the holiday was a different experience this year than usual for Lily. When she had stepped off the Hogwarts Express, she had experienced a giddy feeling in her stomach, a desire to jump back on and return to Hogwarts. Even Petunia noticed her strange behavior and in the car ride home, she nettled her incessantly, suspicious of her vacant responses and dismissive gestures. Once home, she had laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling and heaving a long sigh to herself. Gazing around at her old room had sobered her and brought her crashing back into reality.

It's not like that, she told herself silently, getting to her feet and rummaging through her trunk. She pulled out the moving photo, sinking to her floor on the fluffy throw rug. In the photo from Slughorn's party, she recognized her awkwardness, the unease in her eyes that faded when Sirius slid into frame, pressing himself close to her side. There was another swoop in her stomach and she released a trembling sigh from her lips.

She lowered the photo and felt a pang in her chest, too familiar and yet also foreign. She returned the photo to the trunk and then pulled her legs to her chest, circling her arms around them and pressing her forehead against her knees. She had been undergoing a complex cycle of feelings since Slughorn's Christmas party. The two of them had mingled with the occupants of the party, many of them recognizing Sirius and herself. He knew them from his family's connections and she had known them from prior Slug Club parties. She had felt the adults' interested eyes on the pair, the inquiring glance to their clasped hands, and remembered trying to tug her hand from Sirius's from time to time.

"Do you know how many of these people try to set me up with their daughters at my mum's parties?" he had asked her at one point when she had called him embarrassing, raising their clasped hands. "This will keep them off my back."

When they had left Slughorn's party, he had continued to hold her hand and had only released it when they got near the Fat Lady. Out of eyesight, he had kissed her again and she could still remember everything about him in the gloom of the torchlight. It was the roguish grin he had cast her before they had separated and gone into the common room together that stood out in her mind. There had still been students awake when they had entered and while they had been teased for entering at the same time, it had been nothing compared to how she would have envisioned if they had known the truth of what had happened just outside the Gryffindor common room.

But it's just for fun, she reminded herself presently, raising her head. I told him that I just wanted to have fun my last years of school – there's no attachments to it. He even called himself a 'secret.' There's nothing more to it than that.

Except, she knew, her own feelings.

Approaching it logically, she knew that she should not have been so naïve as to think that she could separate her interest in Sirius from her attraction. She could not indulge in one without engaging in the other. She did not have the ability to ignore that she liked his company and, if she were being honest with herself, she would have felt poorly about indulging in any man and using him for his body alone. She was unsure what Sirius gained from their association, but that was something she could discover later. In her heart, she doubted very much that she was enticing to him in the same way that he was to her. After all, she knew he was one of the most attractive boys in her year.

As she thought this rather glum thought, the door opened abruptly and Petunia cast a wary look to her trunk before flouncing in the room, throwing herself onto the bed. "You look terrible."

"Thanks," Lily said wryly. "How's school been?"

"Oh, you know," Petunia said with an airy hand gesture. "It's just another day in paradise. You wouldn't believe how much higher the girls at school have been raising their skirts." She put a finger to just above her knee. "Can you even imagine? That high above the knee? Margret Thomas got caught, of course, and had her legs walloped. I'm surprised they haven't caught her smoking yet."

Lily listened to the continuous stream of gossip with half a smile. Her sister had always been notoriously nosy, even as a child, so it did not surprise her to find that Petunia was up with the latest gossip at her school. It gave her a wistful feeling, however, that her school life could be so normal. None of her family was aware of what happened at her school, let alone what happened in the wizarding world. Life for Petunia seemed simple, keeping up with Margret Thomas and her smoking habits behind the school.

"And I've met a boy," Petunia added with a mischievous smile.

"Come off it, you haven't!" Lily gave her a playful shove while Petunia giggled.

"I have!" Petunia edged a little closer to her, lowering her voice. "Mum and dad don't know yet, but his name's Vernon. He goes to Smeltings Academy."

"How did you two meet?"

She giggled again. "Me, Emily, and Donna were getting some ice cream and he came running up and tried to flip my skirt with his Smeltings cane. Can you imagine? I was horrified, of course, but after Donna started yelling at him, he had the most charming smile and apologized. Well, naturally I was embarrassed, but he was so handsome, how could I be mad?"

The more that Petunia talked about Vernon, the more Lily became convinced that he sounded like the biggest prat she had ever heard of in her life.

She smiled and nodded, however, and made encouraging sounds while Petunia swooned and sighed over the Smeltings boy.

After some time of this, Petunia asked in a significantly cooler tone, "Are you still seeing that boy?"

Lily did not need further explanation of who 'that boy' was, as Petunia had refused to address Severus by his name ever since they had snuck into her room and read her rejection letter from Hogwarts. "You know we've never been a thing," Lily said instead. "And besides, I don't think we're really friends anymore."

This seemed to brighten Petunia's mood tenfold. "Oh! Well, you can always have tea with me and my friends. Mum and dad just say that you go to a boarding school for girls, so you'll just have to stick to that story."

Lily smiled gratefully, but knew that the offer was insincere. Petunia, no matter how kind she appeared when Lily was on holiday, had never forgiven her for becoming a witch. Their relationship would always be strained, their lives too separated for their interactions to be anything but shallow. This was punctuated by her sister giving a dramatic sigh and announcing she had to clean her room, a lie that Lily spotted easily. However, she allowed her sister to exit the room with grace, and reminded herself to put spells on her trunk later so that her sister could not find the picture of her and Sirius. She did not want her already overly envious sister to see into her private life more than was necessary.

The first week of holiday passed with a good deal of family games, outings, and visits to restaurants. Her parents took time off from their jobs every holiday so that they could spend time with her while she was home. She missed them dearly when she was at school, but as there was always so much to do at Hogwarts with classes, she was easily distracted from the homesickness in her heart.

Halfway through the holiday, she felt her stomach sink a bit when she saw the note on her desk when her family returned from ice skating. She knew from whom it was and, standing down at it and staring at the elegant writing she had become to know so well, she felt her insides clench instinctively. Opening the letter, she saw the simple writing: Meet me at our usual spot. I have something to ask.

'Something to ask'? Lily wondered, a worried frown turning the corners of her mouth down. Recalling their last encounter, she gloomily suspected she was going to get told off for approaching him in the Great Hall and pulling him away from the other Slytherins. With a resigned sigh, she tucked the note into her trunk and then headed downstairs to put her winter gear back on for the walk to their meeting spot.

She checked to make sure that Petunia was well distracted, as she had a bad habit of sneaking after her if she knew she was meeting Severus. Once reassured that she was chattering animatedly to her mother about a baking sale she wanted to do at her school, Lily gathered her things and slipped out of the house. She was old enough that her parents did not require her to give notice of her whereabouts, as long as she was back before eleven.

The walk down to the small field near the river was cold, the air nipping at her exposed skin between her wool cap and scarf that was pulled up over her mouth. The lamps lit her walk to the small trail that led into the meadow where she could see a small flame in the distance that she knew was Severus. At the end of the trail, she made her way down the small stone steps to the sandy embankment where Severus was with his small fire made out of driftwood. She knew that it was conjured fire, but to any other Muggle, it would just look like someone enjoying some warmth.

Last summer, she would have been thrilled to meet Severus this way, sneaking off for some time together and away from school. Now, she felt a sad hollowness where her feelings for him had once existed. Taking in a slow breath, she approached him and he raised his head, his dark eyes falling on her face. His expression looked troubled, but he gave a half-smile in greeting.

"I'm glad you came," he said.

Surprised, she asked, "Why wouldn't I?"

He hesitated a beat and then said, "We didn't leave on the best terms when we last talked. I thought you might still be mad."

"I am mad, but you're still my friend, Sev."

He smiled faintly at this and then lowered his gaze to the fire. She could see the fire reflecting in his eyes, dancing in the darkened depths. "Seems like you're better friends with Sirius Black these days."

Lily stiffened and her instinct to deny jumped to her mind, but she halted it before any words came from her lips. She knew that a denial would only confirm her involvement with Sirius. Instead, she said, "You make it hard for me to be your friend at school."

"And so you'd rather be friends with someone who is best mates with James Potter?" Severus asked, an edge to his voice.

"Have you looked at the type of people you keep around? They're not any better."

"But he – you know he fancies you!"

She released an exasperated sigh at this. "We've already gone over this, Sev. I don't care a wit about James – "

"No," he interrupted, "I'm talking about Black. And you fancy him, I can tell."

This was, in her view, going too far. Feeling her cheeks flaming, she straightened up and shot him a glare across the fire. "Have you been watching me?" she demanded.

"No," Severus replied with a bitter tone, "but it's hard not to see. He goes out of his way to sneak away to see you. You shouldn't take it too seriously, you know. He just uses girls. You can ask any of the Slytherins and they'll tell you how he is outside of school. You're going to look foolish when it's all done and nobody is going to want you then."

"You mean you won't want anything to do with me then," she coldly returned.

He gave a noncommittal shrug, neither confirming nor denying her words. She had never been so insulted by him in their entire friendship. This had been the first time that Severus had ever said something like this to her, in fact. In spite of the shift in her feelings, the words still hit her directly in the heart. He had made it clear last summer that he did not want anything from her more than friendship, yet now he was making it sound as if she were supposed to remain alone her entire life.

If you didn't want anyone else to have me, why can't you have just been with me? she wanted to ask.

No matter how many rough conversations they had or however many times she felt hurt by Severus, a part of her heart was always going to love him. He had taught her everything she knew about the wizarding world before she had gone to Hogwarts and he had been the driving factor for excelling in Potions. She owed a great deal to him, but to have a friendship designed from one being indebted to the other was not what she wanted from him. She wanted what they had once had, even if that seemed far from possible anymore. In times like these, she felt as if they were standing in two different worlds that were the antithesis of the other.

"Is this what you came out here to say? To insult me and call me stupid?" she asked at last.

"It's not an insult, Lily, it's just a warning so you know what you're getting yourself into."

"I thought you needed to ask me something."

At last, his gaze shifted from the fire to her. "Are you dating him?"

"No, I'm not," she said very icily, "and frankly, it's none of your business who I date."

He looked simultaneously angry and hurt by this comment, but doggedly continued, "Fine. Then do you know about Marlene and Potter?"

"What about them?"

"They've been sneaking around the castle together."

"I don't care what either of them do!" Lily exploded, now beyond angry. "I don't know why you think that I care what James does! He's an arrogant prat and we both know that. I wouldn't touch him if he was the last man on earth."

"Well, she's your friend, so – "

"Marlene likes boys that play Quidditch. That's her thing. Do you think she gives a damn about him? She's just doing it for a bit of fun."

"Black knew, I'm sure."

"And why would he tell me?" Lily continued scathingly. "He knows I don't like his friend and he knows that I think James goes around doing exactly what you're telling me! All you're doing is confirming what I already know about him."

Severus seemed to have lost any traction he believed he had in the argument and gazed at her, nonplussed. For her part, she was still glaring at him, her cheeks flaming, her heart beating rather fast in her ear from anger. She could not recall the last time she had been so furious with a person, let alone Severus.

"I'm going back home," she said several moments later when it was clear Severus had nothing more to say. "You need to make a choice, Sev. You can't have it both ways. You can't ignore me at school and then be concerned about what I'm doing in the background. Either be my friend or don't, but stop making up reasons to start conflict with me just because you hate James and his friends. I asked you before, so please just stop with this rivalry you have going on with them. It's gone on long enough."

At that, Lily turned and made her way towards the stairs.

"Lily," Severus called out and this time, she could hear the anguish in his voice. She paused, took in a deep breath, and turned around. He had followed her around the fire. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"Then why aren't you doing anything to fix it?"

"I can't," he said and this time, she could see the hint of conflicting fear behind his eyes. He looked away too fast for her to interpret it further. "I can't fix it."

She knew that if she stayed, she would start shouting again. Instead, she turned away from him and made her way up the steps. This time, he did not call after her and he did not follow her.

At the end of the meadow, she stopped walking and cocked her head back to look up at the dark, lavender-gray sky. The air warmed in front of her, forming a breathy cloud as she breathed out. She had not been aware that she was trembling until she had stopped walking. Her eyes were wet and she bit down on her bottom lip to keep it from shaking. In that conversation, she felt that she and him had put a death sentence on their friendship. While she associated with Sirius or anyone in that group, they could not be friends, yet even if she were alone, Severus would still not be the boy he had been their first year. The Slytherins would make sure of that.

She could no longer halt the deluge of tears that came and she sobbed quietly to herself, head hanging back. She dearly wished that one day, she would stop crying over Severus Snape.


On Christmas Day, Sirius was scowling across his own four-poster bed to James, who was inspecting a chocolate box with interest. He had tossed the card aside and Remus had read it aloud in an amused, dry tone. James had snatched it away midway through the sarcastic eulogy, tucking it underneath him, side-glancing at Peter, who in turn nervously looked at Sirius and Remus.

"Bloody hell, James," Sirius finally said in an irritable tone, "it's not as if we don't know."

James shifted uncomfortably before asking, "What are you talking about?" Again, he shot a look towards Peter, this one of marked warning.

"I didn't say anything," Peter mumbled almost indistinctly.

"Right, you didn't!" James said, scowling. "Who said you could go around telling everyone?"

Remus, always the diplomat said, "Peter didn't tell us anything. It's not hard to figure out when you're disappearing and then Marlene decides to stay for the holidays and you two are always gone from the common room."

James opened his mouth to protest, then seemed to think better of it and instead sank into a sulking silence, eating his chocolates. After a few seconds, he swore softly under his breath and took the letter, storming out of the boy's dormitory. It did not take a great deal of brain power to know where he was headed. Peter followed him anxiously, likely wanting to clear up any misunderstanding. Of all of them, Peter disliked when James was angry with him for anything.

Remus flashed a knowing smile towards Sirius and then turned back to his small pile of presents that were left untouched. Sirius had already opened all of his present but one. It had unfamiliar, feminine handwriting and suspecting the sender, he had left it until last, feeling that at least James would be nosy about whom had sent it. Unwrapping the package, he smiled faintly to himself at the simple scarf. There was no note or letter attached, just a tag on the wrapping with his name on it. He ran his fingers over it, recognizing the wool material from Aran, a small island off the coast of Ireland.

"Nice scarf," Remus said, coming to stand by him and eating some candy that Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, had sent him. "Who sent that?"

"No idea," Sirius lied with a shrug. "It's got a girl's handwriting."

"A secret admirer? That's usually James's thing." Remus chewed thoughtfully, reaching out and feeling the material between his fingers before dropping his hand. "Think it was Dorcas? She's been making eyes at you for weeks."

"Dunno," Sirius answered, wrapping the scarf around his neck and shaking out the wrapping. Remus had turned around as James and Peter returned, with Peter whining about something to the other boy, so he missed the small thing that had fluttered into his lap. A tiny piece of parchment that said, Cheers to the rest of the school years.

He smiled to himself. Clever, he said silently to the piece of parchment.

He had not sent Lily any parcel, feeling too awkward and not wanting to get caught doing so while with his friends. Bundled up with the scarf around his neck, he regretted not sending her something. It was not as if the scarf was very special, but aside from the presents from his brother and James's parents, it was the most anyone had ever gotten him. His own mother had a habit of sending him books about wizarding ancestry and noble bloodlines, something he immediately donated to the school, not wanting it anywhere near his own possessions. He knew it was her way of trying to offset his so-called 'rebellious attitude.' Regulus was more tactful and would send him treats, Muggle magazines with motorcycles, and other knick-knacks that no one else would think about outside of his friends. Lily's present, while simple, made him feel uncomfortably warm and appreciated in a way that he could not quite remember feeling outside of his small circle.

I'm thinking of you, the present seemed to say and it made his stomach clench, making him all the more aware of her absence in Gryffindor tower.

Idiot, he scolded himself, setting the scarf aside with the other presents, casting a quick spell to set fire to the piece of parchment, not wanting anyone else to see it and recognize her handwriting. Way to read into a present, Sirius.

"Bloody hell!" James burst unexpectedly. "Why does it matter who I'm dating, anyway?"

"Because you started this year off saying that you were going to get Evans," Sirius replied lazily, digging into his own chocolates that Hagrid had sent him, "and now you're off messing about with her friend. Not a good look, mate."

James's brow furrowed and he sighed, dragging his hands through his hair. "Look," he began in a plaintive voice, "I know how this looks."

Sirius popped a chocolate in his mouth, turning to his friend, taking note of his tone. Peter had been wringing his hands like an old wife since they returned to the common room, but Remus had looked up from his own pile of presents upon hearing the shift in James's voice. There was an expression of stark unease on James's face that did not bode well.

"When Marlene approached me, she said she just wanted to mess around a bit – complimented my Quidditch skills and whatnot." He glanced around, as if to ensure no one else was approaching even though none of the other boys in their year had remained at the castle for the holidays. Even so, he had lowered his voice. "You lot know that I'm...well, a virgin...and not really experienced. She's got a fair bit more experience than me and you know the rumors about her, so I thought I could get a little more experience with her. I didn't want to be a bumbling idiot when I actually..." He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck and groaning suddenly, as if mortified at admitting any of this to them.

"So, what's the issue?" Sirius asked in bored tone. "Did you bang her or what?"

"Er, well...That was why she stayed behind for the holidays...Now she reckons that I owe her something for that."

Disinterested, Sirius turned back to his chocolates and popped another in his mouth. "Date her for a couple months, then dump her then."

"Marlene's not dumb. She wants me to go on holiday with her family for summer vacation because I guess they're planning this big vacation down to Zanzibar in Africa and she wants a boyfriend to show off. Do you know how long I'd have to be dating her to do that? A whole year! And she doesn't want it to be a secret, either."

"Mathilde's going to have your head as soon as she sees you dating another girl," Remus commented in amusement. "And Lily might, too, considering she ended up in detention because of that girl."

"Is she blackmailing you or something?" Sirius asked.

"She said that she'd tell Lily about everything we've done if I don't stay with her through the summer. She said we can break up during the summer break if I still want to, but now she's sending me these cards taunting me." James picked up the card and threw it down to his bed in disgust. "I wasn't signing up to get blackmailed into ruining my chances with another girl!"

"Tough luck, mate." Sirius stood up, having finished his chocolate and shrugged towards James's outraged expression. He stomped down any guilt that had threatened to rise, continuing on, "You shouldn't be messing with Marlene of all people. You know what her reputation is like. She'll chew you up and spit you out."

"Oh, sure," James muttered, "this coming from the guy that gets his experience at his mum's parties."

Sirius laughed bitterly. "It's not all fun and games. And besides, you had all the opportunity to get with that girl in Spain, you just chickened out."

"Alright, enough you two," Remus said to dispel the beginnings of an argument as James opened his mouth to respond. "Let's not get into a dick-measuring contest about it."

"Who'd you lose yours with, Sirius?" Peter asked, his interest piqued.

Sirius shrugged as he replied, "Some girl that goes to Durmstrang. I figured a foreigner was the safer bet."

"Not everyone has that luxury!" James called after Sirius as he headed down the stairs.

Sirius laughed, but chose not to rise to the bait even as he heard his friend muttering to himself. As he stepped down to the common room, he spotted Marlene sitting at the window looking rather disgruntled. It was clear that the two of them had gotten into a sparring match when he had left the boy's dormitory. She looked up, glaring, perhaps expecting James to be returning. Her expression cleared upon seeing Sirius and she turned her gaze back towards the window as he went to the plush couch in front of the fire and flopped on it, pulling the scarf around his neck a bit more securely.

The conversation with James re-ignited his memory of the Durmstrang girl. He had met her last summer at one his mother's summer 'soirees' as she liked to term it. The girl had been four years older than him and had instantly been interested in him the moment they had been introduced. Unlike some of the other boys in his year, puberty had blessed him with the height and build that many teenage girls appreciated, giving him a slightly older appearance than his fifteen years. She was in London for several weeks with family that his mother was acquainted with and had flirted with him so aggressively that he was surprised his mother didn't throw her out for being too forward.

He had entertained her in the same way he did the other girls, not thinking that it would go anywhere beyond what the other girls had attempted. He had been surprised when, having been left alone in an upstairs drawing room, she abruptly shoved him to the ground and sat atop him. The rest had been a blur, a strange ritual that he was not sure he had really enjoyed. She, however, had seemed pleased and would seek him out two more times afterward for that when the adults were busy. He was thankful for when she and her family departed London.

When the Durmstrang girl and her family had left their mansion that evening after dinner, he and his mother stood in the doorway to bid them farewell. Once the door had closed, she had turned to him with a remote, cold expression as she said, "I hope you were smart about it."

It had taken him only a few seconds to understand to what his mother had been referring. After he had responded, "Yeah," she had nodded in satisfaction and left him then to stand in the foyer alone.

The experience had left him feeling as if it was nothing more than transactional.

Only when James pried during their holiday in Spain did he admit to losing his virginity and while he answered all the questions his friend had, he had felt as if he were listening to someone else's story rather than his own. Even with James, he could not admit to feeling used. He knew how the other boys their age perceived sex and how excited each of them were to finally experience it. The boys who had already done it would delve into gross amounts of detail that, even having done it, Sirius had thought was unnecessary. For himself, he could not find the appeal, let alone the extent that James had gone simply so that he could match the perception.

Of course, he knew that James's pride oftentimes got him into more trouble than it was worth. This did not seem to be any different and now, as a result, he was being blackmailed into dating someone that appeared as if she were undergoing her own mental torture. As Lily's friend, he wondered if she had considered the repercussions when she had demanded James to be her boyfriend until the end of summer. Then again, she must know that Lily had no interest in James, too.

Again, his guilty conscience tried to gnaw its way in his mind and he had to ruthlessly push it down, hating that it was even a thought that was entering his head. He knew that James's reasons for being with Marlene were in part because he wanted to save face for when he was with Lily and he was sure that, James being the person he was, he had said as much to Marlene.

When it came to Lily, James had always been a little more arrogant and egotistical than he would be with the other girls. Like Sirius and Remus, he was a bright student and perhaps it had been his natural, competitive nature that came out, but the fact that both Lily and Snape were higher in Potions than he was had nettled him since their first year. He was constantly trying to impress Lily in a way that he did not have to try with other girls. Her indifference and utter lack of interest in him had caused an almost obsession on his part. It had become a joke in their group about how James could get ever girl in the school except for the one he wanted.

Regardless, Sirius did not care much for the little drama unfolding when he was caught in the middle of it without them knowing. He should have considered that James might have been utilizing Marlene in the same way he had done to Dorcas when he caught them in the room together. Instead, he had been looking for any reason to allow himself to seek Lily out as more than just a friend. His own selfish desire had overridden his role as a friend.

Rubbing the scarf's fabric between his fingers, he closed his eyes and tried to imagine the scent of her on the scarf.

He had made his grave and he would have to lie in it, even if he knew someone was going to get hurt in the future – whether it be him, James, or Lily. For now, he was going to take a chance on being selfish and, like James, he was going to try his hand on the one girl that had managed to interest him.