(Chapter Ten)

The first Hogsmeade weekend of the term came on a bright, clear winter Saturday. Lily, waiting for Alice in the courtyard, pulled her scarf around her neck, blinking against the sunlight that made the snow gleam bright. She caught sight of Alice, who gave her a greeting wave as she jogged towards her. Marlene had declined, saying she wanted to catch up on some homework that she had let go too long. Lily had noticed how distant Marlene had been since the beginning of term, but given that their friend was moody on a normal day, she did not think much more of it until Alice had told her she needed to talk to her that Saturday. Usually, Alice walked to Hogsmeade with Frank, so she expected that the conversation must have revolved around Marlene.

As they walked to Hogsmeade, though, Alice did not immediately jump into the topic, complaining instead of Filch and how he had threatened her with detention just because she was kissing Frank that morning near the owlery.

"Come on, now, Alice," Lily coaxed after a silence fell, side-eyeing her friend with a smile. "I know that you want to tell me something. You're so obvious."

Alice shot her a guilty look and reluctantly smiled. "Well...yes. It's Marlene. She doesn't know that I know, of course, and wouldn't want me to tell you – "

"It's about Potter, right? I already know the two of them have been hanging out."

"You knew about that?"

"I'm not blind," Lily laughed. "And it's not like I'm surprised. Marlene has made enough comments before this year about how sexy she thinks he is during Quidditch matches. The only reason she never went after him was because he was either dating someone already and because he was into me. This is probably the first time that he's been single long enough for her to make a move."

"I guess you're right. I never noticed any of that, to be honest." Her brow puckered. "Well, you know how Marlene is with boys...She always gives it up pretty fast now that she's not a virgin. Her and James probably already have – that doesn't bother you?"

"Why should it?" Lily shrugged. "I don't care what she does with him."

"What if you and James actually did end up dating later? I know that you'll say that never will happen, but if it did, would it matter that he had been with one of your friends?"

Lily considered this for a moment. If it had been another girl, like Alice, she might have felt more uneasy about dating a boy that her friend had been with, but she knew Marlene. She was the most confident, sex-positive feminist she had ever met in her life and she knew that there were no feelings attached to many of the men she dated. The only one that she had ever expressed any deeper emotion for had been a French boy she met over the summer and she had been devastated at the start of term, telling them that she knew there was no way a long-distance relationship would work between them. Sure enough, halfway through the term, she had gotten an owl from the boy saying just that. That had been last year and it had been that boy to whom she had lost her virginity with. She had been inconsolable for months after that break up.

Nothing in Marlene's behavior towards James or any other boy indicated a level of affection beyond superficial interest since then. After she recovered from her break up, she had been following a feminist witch called Patricia Jennings, an American witch that wrote articles about changing tradition and embracing what she called the "inner sexual kitten" and Marlene had been attempting to do such a thing ever since then. Lily was not worried about her friend stealing any boyfriend she might have in the future. She might have become sexually confident, but she was not a common slag out to steal other women's men. That went against everything she stood for in her feminist ideals of empowering and raising women up.

"No," Lily said at last. "If Marlene really liked him, then it would be different, but I don't think it's like that."

"I don't think so, either," Alice agreed and then gave a little sigh. "It's so easy for her to flirt with guys. I wish I had her confidence. Even with Frank, sometimes I still get a little nervous. You know, when things start to get a little..." She trailed off suggestively, flushing in embarrassment. "He's really patient, though. He's willing to wait until I'm ready."

"You got so lucky with Frank, you know. He's so good to you."

Alice giggled, going pink with pleasure. "Anyway, what are you planning to do in Hogsmeade today?"

Lily shifted her gaze away from her towards a group of third-year students that were walking ahead of them. She adjusted her scarf, knowing that it needed no adjustments, and said, "I have a date with Oscar Matthews."

"What?" Alice shrieked and grabbed at her arm, forcing her to stop. The girls in front of them glanced behind in alarm and Lily felt her cheeks going hot with embarrassment. She had expected a reaction from her friend, but nothing this dramatic. "You're going on a date?"

"Yes," Lily mumbled. "He asked me out last week, so I said 'yes.'"

"But I thought – I mean, at the beginning of school, you said that you had told Snape – "

"Alice," she interrupted her swiftly, not wanting to get into any specifics about hers and Severus's relationship, "that was months ago. And I told you what he said. We haven't even really been talking. It's about time I actually enjoy myself, don't you think? And Oscar's very handsome and smart. He's in Potions Club with me."

"Well...you're certainly not wrong. He is rather good looking, isn't he?" She giggled and had to clap her mittened hands over her mouth to stifle some of her laughter. Lily gave her eyes a tiny roll and continued to walk forward. She heard Alice gasp and rush forward to join her. "I'm just happy for you is all. It would be so nice if you could get a boyfriend – we could go on double dates! Marlene will love this, too. She'll be happy to hear you're actually getting over Snape."

Lily chose not to reply to this and as Alice chattered onward about what she had heard about Oscar Matthews and the type of guys that she thought Lily should date if he didn't work out, she felt a twinge of guilt at deceiving her friend. Yes, she had agreed to go on a date with Oscar, but it was not purely because he was an intelligent, attractive boy in their year. She had hoped that it might distract her from her attraction towards Sirius, which had not abated over the holidays.

Every time she saw him, she felt hot all over and at night when she was not exhausted from schoolwork and club activities, she found herself remembering the feel of his hands on her back, the taste of his mouth, and the subtle scent of him. She often found her eyes meeting his across rooms and hallways and even though they exchanged their secret little smiles, they had not had time to be alone together and she was unsure of when that would even happen. She had been anxious upon returning to school, thinking that she had overstepped a line by sending him a Christmas gift, but there was nothing in his countenance to suggest that he felt that way. He seemed his same self and, on one occasion, she had seen him exiting the common room with the scarf wrapped around his neck and had an internal, girlish moment of shrieking while she peeked at him behind a book.

Her behavior where Sirius was concerned felt foolish and downright embarrassing. She spent more time trying to stomp down the butterflies in her stomach and, as a result of him not approaching her, along with Severus's warning words in her head, she had opted to accept a date with Oscar.

It was with this mindset that they arrived in Hogsmeade and she and Alice parted ways. Lily found Oscar at the Three Broomsticks, waiting for her outside and shifting from foot to foot to stay warm. His face lit up upon seeing her and she had to smile at the reaction. She had talked to Oscar several times over the past five years, as they both had been in Potions Club since their first year at Hogwarts. Severus had left the club two years ago, leaving her in it by herself and as a result, she and Oscar often sat at tables together when working on their potions. Oscar was much like herself and she had enjoyed their exchange of intellect during Potions Club, which had been why she had agreed to the date in the first place. She had not found anything particularly offensive about him thus far.

When they went inside to order, she waited in a booth while he went to get them butterbeers. Shaking her cloak off, she brushed her hair out of her face and scanned the bar. Far from them, she raised her eyebrows slightly upon seeing James and Mathilde sitting close together at a table. Mathilde had a dreamy smile on her lips, as if she were in her own personal heaven while James seemed to chatter on about something inane. Watching them, Lily could not help but feel some sense of dry amusement. He was up to his old tricks again, it seemed, but at least Mathilde finally got what she wanted and would stay clear from Lily now.

A couple tables away, however, she caught sight of another set of familiar faces. Remus and Sirius were laughing with two other Gryffindors from their year, seeming to be playing some game they had gotten from Zonko's Joke Shop. She quickly averted her gaze, wishing she had not noticed Sirius at all.

Once Oscar returned, the two of them talked about schoolwork as they sipped their butterbeers and for the moment, her mind was not on Sirius or anyone else in the bar. For the first hour or two, the conversation was comfortable and natural. After the second butterbeer was ordered, he scooted in closer to her and she felt a knot of unease in her stomach when his hand touched her hair, pushing it back from her face. She glanced around, but nobody was looking at them. James and Mathilde had left at some point and she could no longer catch sight of either Sirius or Remus. She spotted other students, although nobody in their year. For some reason, she did not want anyone to see her like this with Oscar. She was not all too interested in more gossip starting around her this year.

"Sorry," Oscar said awkwardly, dropping his hand and giving a little smile. "I just – I wanted to see more of your face." He looked even more awkward at these words and Lily, sensing his embarrassment, laughed to ease the tension. It was reassuring to know she was not the only one inexperienced in this situation.

"It's okay," she told him, smiling.

"You have really pretty eyes," he added, returning her smile with a slightly more confident one of his own. "They kind of shimmer in the light."

"Really?" She blinked, surprised. "Nobody's ever complimented my eyes before."

"What?" He seemed offended for her. "Not even your ex?"

"My ex?"

"That Slytherin you used to date – I remember the two of you were always together in Potions Club. Snape, wasn't it?"

She felt a sudden wash of cold, as if someone had opened the door and a breeze had hit her. Something about the way he said it sounded too-casual, as though he was trying to pretend to not know any better and was ignorant of any rumors. He was trying to pry without seeming invasive and if she had a been a less intelligent girl, that tactic might have worked. Instead, it made all the warmth and enjoyment from the date escape and leave an unpleasant, frozen feeling in her chest.

So, that's what this will always be like, she thought in the few seconds pause. Talking to boys that think I dated a Slytherin.

"No," Lily told him, her smile seeming frozen in place. "Sev's just a childhood friend. That's all it ever was." She took a generous drink from her second butterbeer, leaving it less than half-empty.

"Oh," Oscar said and there was no mistaking the relief in his voice. "Sorry! I guess I misunderstood. Well, anyway..."

He changed the subject, seeming as uncomfortable with the topic of Severus as Lily, asking instead about what countries she had travelled to for holiday. While the conversation went smoothly and Oscar could talk as if the question had never been broached, once their second butterbeer was finished, Lily was quite ready to leave. She made an excuse of needing to meet up with Alice and they exchanged a perfunctory, friendly hug before she left the Three Broomsticks. She saw him join a group of boys in another booth and suspected they had been watching the date the entire time.

Lily did not go to find Alice, who she knew was likely at Madame Puddifoot's Tea Shop with Frank. Instead, she wandered slightly outside Hogsmeade to where a small overlook hung over a boarded-up building that had been nicknamed the 'Shrieking Shack' by Hogsmeade's inhabitants within the last few years due to the screams that had been emanating from the building. Right now, as she peered down at it, it seemed quiet and nondescript. She had always doubted the rumors that it was haunted, as she and her friends had come to visit it multiple times and there never seemed to be any haunted ghost screaming from it. Dimly, she wondered now if the voice was only heard at night.

Continuing her silent scrutiny, her thoughts turned glum as Oscar's words resurfaced in her mind: "Snape, wasn't it?" Even though it had been months since her duel with Mathilde, she could still hear her accusation as clear as if she had just sneered it at her again – a Death Eater's slut. It had taken that insult to spur her into acting rashly enough to get her into detention and it was clear that similar gossip had floated around the school to where even Gryffindor boys were questioning whose company she had been keeping. Oscar's tactless manner of asking made it clear that his comment was derived from rumors rather than his observation of her and Severus. After their second year, Severus had not been in Potions Club and she highly doubted Oscar would recall something from so long ago to use in a conversation.

Nobody in Hogwarts will see me as anything more than Severus's 'slut,' she thought and her mouth compressed into a tight line. I'd like to know who started it in the first place. If it was Severus... Her thought trailed off, unable to finish it. Even then, in her mind, she did not want to think that he could do something so cruel and heartless to her. She did not want to think that he would say such ugly things about her when they were supposed to be childhood best friends, but given his attitude during the holiday break, she was not so sure she could trust in their friendship to prevent him from doing so.

"Want to go in?" a voice asked from behind her. Startled, she turned to see Sirius smiling, trekking up the small hill to meet her at the fence line. The sight of him lifted her spirits immensely. "It'd be fun to try and get into a haunted building, wouldn't it?"

"You've been inside, haven't you?" Lily replied, her gaze sliding back to the building.

"Maybe." He grinned and held his hand out. "Come on, let's go."

Lily hesitated and then, with a reluctant smile, took his hand. He pulled her down the hill to a small gap in the fence where they edged through. She kept her eye behind her, but most of the students were inside or heading back to the castle by this time. Even though she knew, logically, that the building was not haunted and ghosts could not hurt her, she felt her stomach clench anxiously as they drew closer to the shack. As they rounded the building, Sirius release her hand and raised his wand and tapped a boarded-up window that seemed to dissolve the boards, allowing them entrance inside.

"How did you find that?" she asked, shocked.

"A lot of trial and error," he said and climbed through the window, gesturing for her to follow. Carefully, she climbed in after him and when she looked back, the boards over the window had formed again, making it appear as if they were locked inside. "Don't worry, we can get out the way we came. I've marked it." He indicated a gouged red-coloured 'X' next to the window.

"You really do get into all sorts of things, don't you?" Lily laughingly said and then looked around the room they were in. There appeared to be only two floors in the building and they were on the main floor. In the corner, she saw what appeared to be a huge sink hole or perhaps an animal tunnel that had formed under the building. There was wrecked furniture and scratch marks all along the walls. The interior was a disaster and, looking around, it appeared more as if a beast had been trapped inside rather than a ghost.

"Shall I give you a tour?" Sirius asked, stepping further into the room. She nodded and this time, it was she who took his hand, not trusting the stability of the floors. His palm was dry and warm and his fingers closed over hers securely.

They walked around the main floor as Lily peered in the shadowy corners and into the small adjoining rooms, hoping to spot a ghost. When she found nothing, they proceeded up to the second floor and explored the rooms where torn-up and abused furniture lie. Nowhere, however, did there seem to be any ghost haunting the building. After touring all of the rooms, they ended up in what appeared to be a large, master bedroom with a four-posted bed. She poked round the room, wondering if perhaps there was a cursed artifact or something more, but once again, she was disappointed.

"This place isn't haunted at all," she told Sirius, sighing as she straightened from looking at an old, mangled chest.

"Nope," Sirius answered, sitting on the edge of the four-poster bed, his hands braced on it. "Imagine how disappointed I was when I realized it was just a broken-down building."

"Then what are the villagers hearing?"

He shrugged. "There's all types of things that live in the forest. It could just be a banshee or something else."

"Well...thanks for showing me, anyway. Now I won't keep going to stare at it, waiting for something to happen." She laughed at herself, aware of how silly it sounded when saying aloud.

Standing in the middle of the room gave her a sense of surrealism that she realized only Sirius could illicit in her life. Sneaking into an off-bounds building with a boy was more daring than anything she would have attempted on her own, even with encouragement from friends or her own inner voice. Slanting a look to him, she felt her mouth twist in a small smile. She had gone on the date with Oscar hoping that another boy's attention might turn some of her attraction away from Sirius. In her head, she had explained her interactions with him as simple biology and teenage hormones.

After her date and now being alone with him, she knew that it was more than that. It was because it was Sirius. There was an ease in being with him that was impossible with anyone else. He was one out of a handful of people who had not believed the rumors about her and Severus and being from a Slytherin family, he did not possess the same general prejudice that many Gryffindors held; if he took issue with morals and ethics of Slytherins, it seemed to be more of a personal nature rather than mere House rivalry. Simply put, he was not like the other Gryffindor boys at Hogwarts.

Unfortunately, her growing attraction to him posed a rather large problem and one that she needed to tackle immediately.

"Sirius," she said, stepping closer to him and then glancing away to avoid his inquisitive gaze. "Do you think that what we're doing is...wrong?"

There was a brief silence and he asked quietly, "Does it matter?"

She looked at him in surprise. "Of course it matters."

He slid his palms back behind him, his arms propping him up as he peered up at her, his gaze too piercing. She hastily looked away, remembering her lessons of Occlumency with Severus. If Sirius was any bit as clever as Severus, she did not trust him not to have learned such magic at some point. Even with her eyes trained on the dirty floor, she could still feel the intensity of his gaze on her face and wished that he would not stare so hard at her.

"You know," he suddenly said in conversational tones, "Snape accosted me a while back when I was leaving detention. He saw us kissing after Slughorn's party. Is that why you're asking? Because he's giving you a hard time for actually moving on and living your life?"

"What?" Lily returned her eyes to him, all thoughts of Occlumency falling out of her mind, mortified at the thought of Severus seeing her kiss Sirius. It was no wonder he was so frustrated when he spoke with her during the holidays. "H-he saw us?"

"That's what he said. He's been bloody annoying ever since term started, so I don't think he's lying. He's definitely acting pissed enough. But I'm guessing you didn't know any of that."

"No, I didn't." She chose not to tell him about her encounter with Severus during the holidays, not wanting to relive the unpleasantness of the conversation she had with him. It still felt fresh in her mind and, no matter what happened between her and Severus, there was still a raw, gaping hole in her heart where he once had lived as her best friend.

"Then what is it?" Sirius persisted, frowning.

She hesitated a beat and then moved to join him on the bed, sitting next to him. She clasped her hands in her lap, trying to gather her thoughts and the little bit of courage she had remaining to continue the conversation. If she were honest with herself, she would rather pretend ignorance and continue on as they had been, indulging in a little fantasy bubble where no one else existed. She might have continued on in that way if she did not fear the consequences of when that bubble was popped.

"I like you," she said at last with the air of a coroner announcing time of death.

"Yeah, and?"

She scowled at him, a little annoyed at his blasé attitude. "That's not exactly how I put it to you when this first all started."

"I don't care." Sirius's mouth curved in a devilish smirk and he reached up, his thumb tracing her temple along her cheekbone. "You like me, I like you – what else is there to say if we're on the same page?"

Abruptly, he leaned up, kissing her then and she felt that familiar, intense warmth cascade through her body. Before, they were in the castle and anyone could run into them. Here, in the confines of the Shrieking Shack where no one could see them, a bout of recklessness overcame her. She was tired of people judging her based off of Severus, of her friends thinking she was nothing more than a bookworm with no interest in men. She was tired of being so far behind her peers in every respect outside of school. Only with Sirius did this torrent of frustration and out of control passion unleash.

"But you know," he murmured when he withdrew, "that means this really does have to be a secret."

"Why?"

He laughed slightly. "Because otherwise both Snape and James are going to kill me."

Before she was given time to process that, though, he had pulled her into another kiss. His kisses were slow, languid, and delightfully moist. Even though they were alone with no eyes upon them, he did not try to push her into the bed or rush her into anything more. He seemed to be savoring the moment, the slow-building heat between them. She wished, just then, that she had the self-confidence that girls like Marlene and Mathilde seemed to exude effortlessly. She might have moved in closer, touched his shoulder or hair, but she still felt too shy and inexperienced with Sirius.

It was several moments later that he allowed her to withdraw, flushed, out of breath, and with pink and swollen lips. They sat in the following silence, Sirius holding one of her hands and tracing circles in the palm of her hand.

"You make me so damn stupid," he said suddenly, laughing.

"I'm not trying to start problems, you know," she protested defensively.

"I know."

He seemed reflective and, she noticed, not at all repentant. His mouth was quirked upward in that familiar half-smile of his and he seemed so at ease with his decision that Lily could not feel any regrets in her own actions. She knew that this was not only going to put him on bad footing with James if it ever got out, but if she continued, her friendship with Severus would likely be at further risk. Over the past months, though, it had been Sirius who had been there for her when she had needed it during her conflict with Severus. His company and presence simultaneously calmed and ignited her in a way that even Severus had not done to her. She wanted to pursue it, even if it had to be in secret, even knowing there was a possibility of it exploding in her face. For once, she wanted to take a risk and not worry so much about what anyone else thought.

"Whatever," Sirius said at last, releasing her hand and then falling back onto the four-posted bed, stretching his arms above his head and closing his eyes. He released a long sigh and looking down at him, she had to marvel at how effortless he made everything look.

It took her several seconds to gather herself before she very carefully edged closer to him, reaching out and brushing his hair from his forehead. He opened his eyes slightly to peek at her and she offered a tiny smile. He had such dark eyes, lined with thick eyelashes. Even though Oscar had complimented her eyes earlier, looking down at Sirius, she thought his were quite beautiful.

"Kiss me," he said and without knowing why, she obligingly bent her head and pressed her lips to his. She felt his hand drift behind her head, tangling in her hair, and the kiss felt as if it were sealing their secret deal there in that crumbling building.