The Adventure of the Hound of the Baskervilles
By
UCSbdad
Disclaimer: Elementary, my dear Watson. UCSBdad does not own Castle. Rating: K Time: Just after Still.
"Moe," said Sherlock," we've been asked by Don Vorleone to look into the disappearance of young Miss Ermintrude Hairry-Busche. And we're curious about this monster that's been running around."
Moe rubbed his long, furry jaw.
"No one that's been in here, and that's everyone, has seen Miss Ermintrude. As for the horrible monster, he's mostly been seen on the moors near Upsidedowntown Abbey. You should go there and talk with the people there."
"A capital idea, Moe." Said Sherlock.
"In fact, I have to make a delivery to Sir Algernon's place. I could give you all a lift."
"I'd like to come, too." Said young Curly.
"No problem." Said Moe.
"Who exactly is Sir Algernon?" Kate asked.
"Sir Algernon Barking-Madly. Comes from an old family. Upsidedowntown Abbey has been in the family for generations." Moe said. "I should advise you that he can be a bit eccentric."
"An eccentric Vorlag?" Kate said sarcastically. "I suppose there must be some."
As they left, they could hear singing.
"On her back she has tattooed a map of Ireland,
"And when she takes her bath on Saturday,
"She rubs the Sunlight soap around by Claddaugh,
"Just to watch the suds flow down by Galway Bay."
Moe met them out front with a large truck filled with beer kegs.
"Is this all for Sir Algernon?" Alexis asked.
"Sure. It's his regular delivery."
"For what? A month?"
Moe looked at her oddly.
"No. This is for today. I'll make another run tomorrow."'
Sir Algernon, dressed in hunting tweeds and wearing a monocle, met them at the door to Upsidedowntown Abbey.
"Bully for you, Moe. Right on time. I'm planning to go out tonight on the moors with my gamekeepers and hunt the glowing rascal down and shoot it. I don't have a glowing rascal rifle, so I suppose my elephant gun will have to do." Sir Algernon screwed his monocle more firmly in place and looked over the humans.
"Hmm. Humans, I believe. Speaking of elephants, do you know what's black and white and grey all over?"
"Sister Mary Elephant." Alexis said promptly.
"Very good, young lady." Sir Algernon said. "Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?"
"Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be aspirins." Alexis shot back.
"Brilliant." Said Sir Algernon. "Just brilliant." Then he smiled. "Come on in, my gamekeepers, the MacVorlags are inside."
Hamish MacVorlag and his three sons, Redmond, Lachlan and Eachann, were sitting at a table, drinking beer.
"Thanks be ta God Moe is here. We're near out of beer." Said Hamish.
"Hardly twenty gallons left." Muttered Redmond.
"We'll have a bite and a wee drop and then we'll be off to the moors." Said Sir Algernon.
As was usual with Vorlags, the "bite" consisted of four courses and the "wee drop" put a substantial dent in what Moe had brought. However, the Vorlags seemed no worse for wear when they and the humans headed out into the night.
"Be careful, my love." Said Lady Arabella Barking-Madly.
"As always." Replied Sir Algernon.
That night they spent several hours chasing after something that made a loud screeching noise, only to find that it was a local species of bird. They trudged into Upsidedowntown Abbey at dawn, thoroughly exhausted.
"I've had the cooks make breakfast for you, dearest." Said Lady Arabella, meeting them at the door. "I do hope it'll last you until brunch."
As far as Rick, Kate and Alexis were concerned, the meal could have held them for a week or more.
As the Vorlags ate, the humans slept and finally headed off to the local young gentleman's school, something Sherlock had suggested.
"I suspect that Miss Hairry-Busche may have been involved with a young lad, probably at the school."
"I go there, Sherlock." Said young Curly. "I'm sure I would have heard any rumors of a liaison with anyone there."
"Perhaps. Perhaps not." Said Sherlock, indulgently.
They arrived at the school. The school itself consisted of four three-story grey stone buildings, covered in ivy, arranged around a courtyard. The roofs were made of slate and the property was surrounded by lush green lawns that seemed to have been divided into sporting fields of one sort or another.
Kate read the name of the school on the well-polished brass plaque by the front door.
"The Hiley-Snobbie School for Young Gentlemen and Gentlevorlags."
"It's a fine school. Curly goes here." Said Moe.
Sherlock rapped smartly on the door and in a moment and elderly Vorlag in a black gown and a mortarboard hat answered.
"Ah, young Master Curly. I'm afraid you can't come back as your suspension is not over."
"Suspension?" Said Moe, turning to his younger brother.
"Did I forget to mention that to you?" Curly said shakily.
"I don't know if you forgot, but you most certainly did not mention it to me. What happened?" He said, glaring at the young Vorlag.
"You know how humans invent all sorts of wonderful things, but they never seem to put them into production? Things like light sabers, and X-wing fighters, cloaks of invisibility, and…well, so much."
Curly hadn't quite grasped that these things were movie magic and not actual inventions. Don Vorleone had discouraged people from informing Curly of this. You never could tell when a businessvorlag in the ice cream business might need a handy Death Star. The ice cream biz can be very cold.
"So?" Moe said.
"You know the AT-AT, the All Terrain-Armored Transport? I built one."
"How did that get you in trouble?" Moe demanded.
"Do you recall the headmaster's lovely orchid collection?" Said the elderly Vorlag, pointing to a hill where there was nothing.
"I sort of stepped on it. In the AT-AT." Curly mumbled.
"See here." Said Sherlock. "I'm Sherlock Vorlag and this is Detective Kate Beckett, the famous human detective, who's come all the way from Earth. We're investigating the disappearance of Miss Ermintrude Hairry-Busche and looking into the possibility that the disappearance might be connected to the odd monster roaming the moors. Master Curly is needed in our investigation. Perhaps if I were to arrange for the headmaster's orchids to be replaced?"
"They were very rare and expensive. How would you do that?"
"I know a guy." Sherlock replied.
"We shall go see the headmaster."
Headmaster Albrecht von Vorlag was more than happy to have Sherlock replace his destroyed orchids.
"Howeffer, there vill be NO machines of any sort ven Master Curly comes back! Correct?" Said the headmaster.
"Absolutely." Curly said, wondering if his experiments in artificial life could be classed as machines.
"Az for your suspicion that there vas something going on between the missink girl and vun off our students, I t'ink you should talk with younk Herr von Bloch-Hed."
"Old Blocky was with a girl?" Said Curly. "I didn't think he…" Curly suddenly stopped.
"We'll interview the gentleman." Said Kate.
The young Herr von Bloch-Hed was one of those foreigners who had become more English than the English, in spite of the fact that the real England was on the other side of the galaxy.
"I say! Curly old chap. So fine to see you. Pip, pip! Shall we have a spot of tea? And have you seen what the cricket eleven did last match? Ripping, absolutely ripping."
"Blocky, this is Sherlock Vorlag, the famous consulting detective, and this is Detective Kate Beckett, who's come all the way from Earth with her friend, Mr. Castle and his daughter, Alexis. We're investigating the disappearance of Miss Hairry-Busche. Do you Know anything?"
"Rather, old boy."
"What can you tell us?" Kate demanded.
"Ermy, that is Ermintrude, has been quite upset about something for days. I took her down to the tuck shop for an ice cream sundae made with Don Vorleone's Very Special Reserve Authentic Earth ice cream. The poor dear hardly touched it. Didn't eat more than a gallon of the sundae. All of a sudden, she got up and said, "I can't take any more of this.", and walked out. I had to pay the bill and by the time I got outside, she had disappeared. I do hope it wasn't the ice cream that put her off."
"Probably not." Said Kate. "When was this?"
Blocky thought for a moment. "Last ten day. In the afternoon."
"About the time she disappeared." Sherlock said. "Can anyone vouch for what you said?"
"Oh, quite. All of the Sixth Form were there. You can talk to them all."
Sherlock and Kate did just that while Curly discussed his upcoming invention of zero gravity rugby with his friend, Blocky.
Everyone confirmed what Blocky had said.
"We shall go off to the Miss Ermintrude's school to see if we can gain any insights there." Sherlock said.
A short walk brought them to Miss Ermintrude's school. It looked remarkably like the Hiley-Snobbie school. Kate read the brass plaque by the door.
"The Snyde-Bytche School for Young Ladies." She looked carefully at the plaque. "It looks like the lower part has been changed."
"Oh, yes.' Said Curly. "It used to be the Snyde-Bytche Home for Fallen Women."
"Fallen women?" Said Alexis. "Like a rehabilitation center for injured women?"
"Not quite, young human." Said Sherlock. "The term refers to women who became pregnant without being married."
"That's bad here?" Alexis asked. "I mean, bad enough that you needed a Home for them?"
"Yes, indeed, young human." Said a lady Vorlag who opened the door. "I heard you from inside. I'm Mrs. Boadicea Vorlag, the headmistress. "The Home, now a school, was founded by a Sebacean lady, Lady Lucretia Snyde-Bytche, the wife of Lord Snyde-Bytche. She had an awful time. Her maids kept getting with child. She tried everything, nailing the windows closed, putting triple locks on every door and her having the only key, but they kept getting pregnant. And, they'd never tell who the father was. Shocking!"
"We're there any males in the Snyde-Bytche household?" Kate asked.
"Lord Snyde-Bytche, of course. But he was quite elderly and bedridden. Then there was their son, the Honorable Cosmo Snyde-Bytche. There was an amazing coincidence. When Cosmo left, the pregnancies stopped. That was when Lady Snyde-Bytche found that the coal cellar door had no lock. It's obvious what happened."
"I suppose it is." Kate said.
"Allow me to introduce myself." Said Sherlock. "I'm Sherlock Vorlag and this is my friend, Dr. John Vorlag and our companion, Curly T. Vorlag and his brother, Moe. With us is the famous human detective, Kate Beckett, her partner, Rick Castle and Miss Alexis Castle, his daughter. We've been asked to investigate the disappearance of the Honorable Miss Ermintrude Hairry-Busche. And I've decided to look into the mysterious affair of the oversized hound out on the moors."
"How odd." Said the headmistress. "There was an odd foreign Vorlag here a while ago. Kept muttering something about "little grey cells" and asking about the mysterious affair on the moors. It turned out he was looking for the mysterious affair at Styles."
"That is odd." Said Sherlock. "However, we need to talk to someone about Miss Hairry-Busche."
"That would be the provost, Mrs. Gothzilla Vorlag. I'll take you to her office."
Mrs. Gothzilla was a very large female and was able to point Sherlock and his friends to Miss Hairry-Busche's roommate, Miss Grizelda Vorlag. When taken to Miss Grizelda's rooms. Sherlock stood stock still and looked at the female.
"Ah, you know I have some experience with young ladies at these schools. I once went undercover as a young lady Vorlag while trying to track down the villainous villain, Professor James Voriarty. I regret to say that although I was able to foil his nefarious plans, he escaped the long arm of the law due to the interference of the infamous Dr. Fu Man Vorlag." Sherlock smiled coldly. "I can see that you've been sneaking out of your rooms for some reason."
TBC
