The Adventure of the Hound of the Baskervilles

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Elementary, my dear Watson. UCSBdad does not own Castle. Rating: K Time: Just after Still.

"I have not!" Said Miss Grizelda.

"I can see that you have particles of rust and black paint on the sleeves of your dress, doubtlessly from when you shimmied down the drainpipe to get to the garden. I see green spots on the hem of your dress that no doubt came from traipsing through the tall grass outside of the quadrangle. Am I not correct?"

"You're not. I've just come back from cooking class and the stains on my sleeves are bits of chocolate and what you see as rust is from butterscotch. The green on my hem is from the salad we made. And I don't have to sneak out at night. By seven of the clock, old Gothzilla has so much gin in her, the whole school could march out past her led by our pipe band. In fact, we did it just that last St. Swithin's Day."

"Oh." Said Sherlock.

"Ophthalmologist, old boy." Muttered Dr. Vorlag to his friend.

Kate took over.

"We're here to try to find the Honorable Miss Ermintrude Hairry-Busche. If you can give us any help, we'd appreciate it. And do you know anything about the horrible monster that's been seen on the moors?"

"Oh, none of the girls would ever go out on the moors, especially at night. It's just too scary. But we have heard a loud howling some nights. It sounds to be far away and coming from the moors."

"Could you tell the direction or possibly how far away the sound was?"

"No. When I heard it, I ran into the next room and we all hid under the bed."

"What about Miss Ermintrude?" Alexis asked.

"She did seem to be a bit off the last couple of days. I think it was something on social media."

"Could I see her computer?" Alexis asked. "I'm very good with computers."

"It's gone. It disappeared at the same time she did."

"Do you think she took it with her if she left willingly, or did some miscreant take it along with Miss Ermintrude?" Sherlock asked.

"Or perhaps the theft of the computer and the disappearance of Miss Ermintrude are two separate events." Kate added.

"I really don't know." Said Miss Grizelda.

Before anyone could say another word, there was a horrible wailing sound from quite nearby.

"It can only be the massive mysterious moor hound!" Cried Dr. John Vorlag, pulling the trusty pistol that had served him so well in his service in Queen Victoria's Empire, (Vorlag edition.).

"No," Screamed Grizelda over the din. "That's just the pipe band warming up for a little trip to the Dew Drop Inn. It's country and western night. There'll be line dancing."

And with that, Miss Grizelda left and the sound of bagpipes faded.

"I think they we're playing a Hank Williams tune." Rick said.

"Junior or Senior?" Asked Kate.

"Both." Said Alexis. "That was "There's a Tear in my Beer". Hank, Junior did it over a recording by his dad."

"You've been listening to country music?" Cried Rick.

"It was just a little harmless experimentation, Dad." Alexis shot back.

Suddenly, the four Vorlags turned and looked out the window.

"Did you hear that?" Curly asked, excitedly.

"What?" Castle asked. "I didn't hear anything."

He looked at Kate and Alexis who both shook their heads.

"I heard it." Said Sherlock." A mournful sound, as if the legendary banshees had begun wailing over the death of a loved one."

"Banshees can love?" Dr. Vorlag asked.

"A figure of speech." Suddenly, Sherlock smiled. "I have it. Quick Dr. Vorlag, the game is afoot."

"I suppose he is a foot." Replied John. "I mean he'd hardly be driving a bus around the moors now, would he? And since we're chasing the beast, he's game, right?"

"I was thinking that I could use that to indicate that we must move."

"We can hardly stay here in a female's room all night. I think they must have a curfew or something, don't they?"

"We need to be off after the hound." Sherlock said, walking away.

"Why couldn't you just say that?" Dr. Vorlag grumped.

Thanks to the Vorlags' superior senses of hearing, sight and smell, they determined that the ghastly howling was some five miles to the north.

"We shall go in Moe's vehicle." Sherlock said, heading for the truck.

They all clambered aboard and took off in a rush. In minutes, they had left the green and pleasant village of Dogs Snogging upon Piddle behind and were on the desolate moors. Moe and Curly stuck their heads out of the truck's cab, the better to see the way ahead.

"I don't know why we built these moors anyway." Dr. John said.

"You built the moors?" Alexis asked. "Why?"

"You can't have an authentic English countryside without moors. Where else would young ladies get lost, or monsters roam, not to mention villains have their secret lairs. You couldn't have a secret lair in little Dog Snogging upon Piddle, could you? Everyone would be giving directions by saying, "You turn right by the villain's secret lair, go past the lost young maid who's secretly the daughter of the Duke, and before you get to the monster having his ease at Vorbucks ® Coffee Shop, there you are. And Bob's your uncle." It would never do."

"I suppose it wouldn't." Alexis said. Kate and Rick just nodded.

"Halt!" Screamed Curly. "There's a bog ahead. We'll get stuck."

Moe stopped his truck and they all got out. Curly pulled out a flashlight that was powered by dilithium crystals. Once on, it was a bright as high noon.

"It's a big bog." Said Sherlock.

"Luckily, I used the Aluminum Fairlane to make an aerial map of the surrounding area." Young Curly said.

"The Aluminum Fairlane?" Rick asked.

"Don Vorleone's Vorlags-at-Law, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, told me that the name Millennium Falcon was copyrighted. So, I had to change the name."

"Can I see the map?" Moe interrupted.

After studying the map for a few minutes, Moe found a place where they could cross the bog. However, by the time they had gotten across the bog, even the Vorlags' fine-tuned senses were unable to locate the mysterious monster.

"We can go over the area and perhaps find tracks that will lead us to the monster's lair." Said Sherlock.

With the aid of Curly's flashlight, (electric torch, in Vorlagian English.), they searched the barren moors.

"Here's something." Said Sherlock. "I believe I've found an important clue. Come and look everyone."

"What is it?" Rick and Kate asked in unison.

"The tracks of a snake. By God! Look at the depth of the track, but how narrow it is. And over here! The tracks split into two parts and then go back together again a bit further on. There must have been a second serpent riding on the back of the first one. Amazing. I must write a paper for the Royal Society of Herpetology."

Kate knelt by the tracks and examined them.

"Sherlock, I think these are bicycle tracks. See the tread? The two tracks are from where the bicycle turned and the front tire left a separate track from the rear one?"

"A bicycle? Not a snake?" Sherlock said. "How odd. Why would a monster ride a bicycle?'

"That's irrelevant." Said Rick.

"An elephant?" Said Sherlock.

"Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas." Said Alexis. "How he got them on, I'll never know."

"I think we should go back to Upsidedowntown Abbey and get some sleep." Kate said.

"I need to make another delivery there anyway." Said Moe.

And off they went.

That night the Vorlags ate, drank and caroused while the humans slept. The next morning Rick, Kate and Alexis came downstairs to find Curly pouring over aerial photographs of the moors.

"I took the Aluminum Fairlane up last night and took more photos of the moors." Said the young Vorlag. "I think I've found something that will help us."

The humans gathered around, and Curly explained what he'd found.

"I looked for bicycle tire tracks like we found last night, and I found a lot of them. Notice that they all seem to center here." Curly tapped the map." There's a cave there, a rather large one, and I suspect that the monster's lair is there."

Sherlock drew himself up to his full height.

"To quote the great the great American philosopher, Leo Carrillo, "Let's went, Cisco."."

Dr. John Vorlag raised a furry eyebrow.

"Really, Sherlock."

Sherlock made no reply, but followed Curly to the Aluminum Fairlane.

As the humans came aboard, they were suddenly stopped by a busty blonde in a skin tight suit.

"Resistance is futile!" She said.

"It's all right, Seven." Curly said. "These are friends. Why don't you go to your regeneration chamber?"

The blonde stalked off.

"Seven of Nine?" Castle said.

"Not the original one, of course." Replied Curly. "But she's one hundred per cent real."

"That's what males think." Kate muttered. Alexis nodded her head.

Ignoring the women, Curly went to the cockpit and Castle sat down in the co-pilot's seat. The rest clustered behind them. And, in minutes, they were landing at the cave.

As they came out, they saw a flash of white disappearing into the cave.

Dr. John Vorlag drew his trusty pistol and fired many rounds into the cave, then stopped.

"I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire one hundred shots or only ninety-nine?" Well to tell you the truth in all of the excitement, I kind of lost track myself. But being this is an .88 Magnum, the most powerful handgun on the planet, and would blow your head clean off, you gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?"

"I surrender!" Cried a voice from inside the cave." Don't shoot."

"We both surrender!" Yelled a feminine voice.

A large, furry monster stepped from the cave, followed by a young Sebacean lady. The monster's fur was so white that in the light appeared to glow.

"Miss Hairry-Busche!" Cried Sherlock. "Are you all right? Has the monster hurt you?"

"He's no monster, he's my friend." She shouted back.

Curly stepped forward.

"Fluffy? Is that you?"

"Curly? What are you doing here?"

"You know the monster?" Asked Sherlock.

"He's not a monster, he's my school chum, Alisdair Fluffington-Vorlag IV." He turned to Alisdair. "What happened to you?"

"It's the curse of the Fluffington-Vorlags."

"I realize your grandpapa is a bit flatulent now and again, but that's hardly a curse."

"No, not that. Every fourth generation, once a Fluffington-Vorlag begins puberty, his hair grows at an alarming rate. No matter how I try to cut it off, it grows back even faster."

"So now you run around naked?" Curly asked.

"Not a bit. I have on my school uniform." Alisdair moved his very long fur away from his body and showed he did indeed have his school uniform on. "But I had to run away. The humiliation of being a giant hairball was too much. Luckily, Miss Hairry-Busche and I ran into each other."

"And why did you run away, Miss Hairry-Busche?" Sherlock asked.

"It's bad enough for a young girl to be named Hairry-Busche, but…but…" The girl couldn't go on.

Fluffy spoke.

"I fear that the young lady is a bit hirsute in her nether regions." Fluffy looked at Ermintrude. "Um, perhaps a bit more than a bit hirsute."

"The girls found out and posted the most awful things on line. I was humiliated."

Kate was whispering with Alexis and then she called Curly over. The three spoke in whispers.

"If you'll both come with me, I think our human friends may have a solution." Curly said.

They all went back to Curly's workshop in the village of Dog Snogging upon Piddle. It took three days, but they had worked out a solution to both problems.

First Miss Ermintrude came out.

"It's wonderful. I don't know why I never thought of anything like this before. I'm sure it'll be the rage with all the girls."

"Um, what will be the rage?' Castle asked

"We gave her a Brazilian wax job, Dad." Said Alexis. "She's as smooth as can be from the neck down."

"Did you do the same to Fluffy?" Rick asked.

"His hair grows way too fast, but…"Curly pointed to a door and through the door came Fluffy. A very different Fluffy. One without the very long hair.

"What happened to his hair?" Sherlock asked.

"It's still there." Said Kate. "But we gave Fluffy the mother of all permanent waves. His hair is now one mass of very tight curls. He'll have to have it redone every four or five days, but he'll look fine."

Rick, Kate and Alexis stayed with the Vorlags for more than two weeks, eating and drinking and partying with their new friends until Curly took them back to the Hamptons in the Aluminum Fairlane. They spent a long weekend lounging around and relaxing and on the following Monday, Kate went back to work.

"You look good, Detective Beckett." Captain Gates said. "I think the vacation did you a world of good."

Kate nodded.

"Perhaps more than one world."

Before Gates could say anything, she went back to her desk. Castle was there with her morning coffee.

The End

Author's note: Up next is The Princess and the Wizard. I wonder who plays those parts? Princess Tomasina Demming? Wizard Alex "Big Al" Castle? Probably not. We shall see.