AN: Not dead! Though not for a lack of trying. It has been quite the month. A lot of bad, some good. The biggest good being FFXIV Endwalker. Oh my god. What an expansion. The story gave me such a severe allergy attack, I created a new character and plan on playing through the base game and four expansions all over again. Might write fanfiction for that as well. We will see. :P
Important: I have deleted the last three chapters. I took them down to be reworked, there were some things about them I didn't like and it was keeping me from moving forward with the story. You might want to go back to chapter 52 just to remind yourself where we now are in the story.
Elsa paused at the corner of her desk, bracing herself against the smooth surface. The short walk from her bed to the adjoining study had taken a frustrating amount of energy.
She had expected the doctor to try to keep her in bed for as long as possible, but instead, he encouraged her to get up and move around as much as she comfortably could. Once she did, she quickly realized why he hadn't been worried about her overdoing it. She could barely make it across the room without feeling exhausted and faint. The doctor hadn't needed to restrict her activities, her own body did that well enough on its own.
The new pain meds weren't helping matters either. She no longer felt like her head was stuffed with cotton, but she was far more aware of the extent of her injuries, especially if she moved around too much or turned too quickly.
Malthe took every chance he could to remind her that, though she was feeling better, she was still working through the tail end of a serious withdraw and cautioned her not to overdo things or push herself too hard. Elsa was fairly certain that walking to the study connected to her room didn't fall into the "overdoing it" category. She was equally sure, since she needed a few minutes to rest before she attempted a trip back to her bed, there would be no harm in looking over the letters and reports demanding her attention.
A task that proved easier said than done. The splint on her arm stretched from just below her elbow to her knuckles and complicated the once simple action of opening letters. She found it difficult to close her stiff fingers around the paper or letter opener. She had just started in on the second letter when a knock on her door echoed through the room.
"Come in."
"Good morning, Your Majesty" Kai dipped his chin respectfully as he entered the room carrying a loaded tray with him.
"Morning, Kai." She eyed the tray as he set it down on the table next to her desk. On it sat a cup of coffee, a pitcher of water, and a bowl of oatmeal. Elsa knew she shouldn't be surprised to find the castle steward was not only aware she was up and working, but had enough time to have the kitchen prepare breakfast and bring it up. Despite not leaving her room, she felt like half the castle was keeping a close eye on her every movement. She was used to her staff marking her every movement, their days were planned around her schedule, but this felt more intrusive. Each time she woke there was always someone there within moments, Anna, Malthe, Gerda, one of the staff. She barely had a moment alone to think, to process. She reminded herself each time that they were just concerned and wanted to help. She had been very near death not that long ago.
Elsa smiled softly. "Thank you, Kai."
"Is there anything else you need, ma'am?"
She started to tell him no, but stopped short. She needed to resolve the issue with the Vindarr and Sirma. She knew she shouldn't be working, and there were numerous reasons she shouldn't be holding a meeting. Malthe was concerned that she could fall ill if exposed to the wrong person, which could snowball quickly. The doctor had pointedly told her that she'd already had two near-death experiences and, in this case, third time's not a charm.
Elsa was tired of feeling tired and had no wish to further complicate her recovery with any sort of illness. It had been the only reason she agreed to the doctor's request that she limit her contact to a select few while recovering. She didn't need to meet with the entire council, just those whose expertise she required.
"There is. Would you let Judge Westberg, Admiral Naismith, and Gregar Alfson that I wish to meet with them at their earliest convenience?"
"Yes ma'am. Do you wish to meet with them in your office or the council chambers?"
Elsa pursed her lips into a thin line. She didn't hold meetings in her private study, nor did her father. The study connected to her bedroom, making it less than proper, but her office and the council chambers were both on the other side of the castle, far from the residential wing, by design. She was loath to admit it, but she had all but exhausted herself just walking to the study. There was no way she'd be able to make it to her office or the council chambers. Not today, at least.
Elsa took a deep breath. "No, we'll have the meeting here. I know it's irregular, but I don't want to put it off any longer and I'm sure there are many eager to see the Vindarr and Sirma off. We'll need some chairs, just for this occasion, of course."
"Of course, ma'am. I'll have the staff bring them up."
"Thank you, Kai, that'll be all."
"Yes, ma'am." Kai bowed once more before leaving the room, shutting the door softly behind him.
Elsa looked down at her clothing and wrinkled her nose. She hoped the councilors would forgive her for her appearance. She wore light thin clothing hidden under a thick robe and her hair haphazardly clipped up, the only thing she could do with one barely working hand. She could get dressed, have Gerda help her with her hair, but that meant getting up, going back to her room, making herself presentable and then walking back into the study. Elsa wasn't sure she had the energy for that. She felt all the more tired just thinking about it. Thankfully, she could trust the three men she would be meeting with to be discreet.
She leaned back in her chair and eyed the tray on the table next to her. Her eyes drifted to the cup of dark steaming coffee. The moment Elsa was able to stay awake long enough to hold a proper conversation, she had requested her favorite drink, only to have Malthe intercept with an apologetic look. He reminded her in the most diplomatic way possible that she needed rest, not stimulants. Elsa all but pouted like a child being told they couldn't have cake before dinner, but after everything she'd put everyone through, she was trying her hardest to not be difficult and thus agreed. That, however, did not stop her from asking every chance she got. It had taken about a week to wear him down, but not without some concessions on her part. In the end, he agreed to allow her one cup of plain black coffee in the morning if she agreed to take something to help her sleep at night.
Elsa had attempted to play dumb, but it seemed the nightmares that had been disturbing her sleep the past week hadn't escaped the doctor's ever-watchful eye. She reluctantly agreed to his terms. A small part of her felt some relief, she couldn't remember the dreams that had been haunting her sleep, but she remembered the anxious, trapped feeling they left her with and on more than one occasion on the edge of a panic attack. Compared to that, the fogginess caused by the sleep aid was a minor inconvenience, one she would accept if it meant a peaceful night's sleep.
A smile lit Elsa's face as the much coveted cup of coffee now sat in front of her, steam curling above it, the dark, rich aroma filling the room. She reached out toward the cup but stopped mid-action, her fingers curled into a fist, resting against the desktop.
She had been looking forward to this for a while now. It was an insignificant thing, but one that felt like one step closer to normal. Or at least it would, but as much as she wanted to drink it, Elsa just couldn't seem to bring herself to do so. Frustration and annoyance bubbled in her chest at the situation, at the absurdity of it. There was no reason for this hesitation. She had no issues drinking whatever medicine Malthe brought her. She knew there was nothing in the coffee other than what was supposed to be in there. Her staff wouldn't add anything extra, especially not without her knowledge.
Elsa tore her eyes away and focused on the far side of the room. She needed to get herself together. She pushed the coffee to the far side of the tray, the smell suddenly causing her stomach to churn, and grabbed the pitcher of water, pouring herself a glass. She shoved the thought to the side and focused on the stack of letters and reports on her desk. Something simple, something she could control.
Elsa spent the next hour reading through the letters, dividing them up. It didn't take her long to realize that simply reading through them wasn't getting any actual work done; she was going to have to pen responses. Elsa plucked her fountain pen from its holder, dipping it into ink before pressing it against a blank piece of parchment. Her frustration grew once more as tremors in her hand caused the script to come out shaky and illegible, a far cry from her normal handwriting. Elsa dropped the pen with a sigh and sat back. Even if she had use of her right hand, she doubted it would be any better. It was like her own body was working against her, keeping her from doing anything productive. Traitor, she thought bitterly.
"You're not supposed to be working." Anna's tone was neither upset nor surprised. It was neutral, resigned, like she'd been expecting this moment as much as Elsa.
Elsa looked up to find her sister standing just inside the doorway that connected her study to her bedroom. "Anna, why are you in my room?"
Anna folded her arms across her chest. "Why aren't you in your room?" She paused, then looked around the space. "Why are there chairs in here?"
Elsa rubbed her fingers across her forehead. "I can't sit around and do nothing all day, Anna. I'll go mad." She gestured to the small pile on her desk. "Besides, I'm just reading through some letters."
"The good news or the bad news pile?"
"The 'requires my attention' pile."
Anna pressed her lips into a thin line but didn't comment. "Have you been drinking water?" She glanced over at the tray sitting next to the desk.
Elsa closed her eyes, tapping a finger against the arm of her chair. "Yes," she said with as much patience as she could muster and gestured to the mostly empty glass on the desk.
Anna walked over to the desk and picked up the bowl from the tray, swapping it with the letter Elsa had been attempting to write. She offered a sympathetic smile but one that clearly said, sorry, not sorry as she sat down in one of the chairs the staff had brought up shortly before her arrival.
Elsa eyed the small bowl of oatmeal. She wasn't a breakfast person, wasn't normally hungry first thing in the morning. She preferred an early lunch instead, but Malthe, besides encouraging her to drink as much water as she can handle, had also been pressing her to eat whenever she could. She quickly became irritated at the constant reminder, like she was incapable of handling her own basic needs until she caught her reflection in a mirror. The clothes that had been previously tailored to fit perfectly, hung off her shoulders and hips like a child trying on her parents' clothing. It startled her, and she suddenly understood why everyone had been so insistent to the point of pushy. She saw what everyone else had and made an honest attempt to follow the physician's orders.
She picked up the spoon and dipped it into the oatmeal, stirring the slices of fruit around.
Anna looked over the paper in her hand, her expression soften as she dropped the paper back onto Elsa's desk. "Did you write this?"
Elsa tightened her fingers around the spoon. "Tried to." She sighed heavily, too tired to pretend not to be bothered by it. "Malthe said the . . . he said it should resolve, but wasn't sure how long it would take as it depends on what's causing it."
"It'll get better. You just have to give yourself some time. You've been through a lot, you know." Anna looked down at the messy letter, her lips pressed together. "Maybe you need an assistant?"
"An assistant?" Elsa looked up at her sister.
"You know, someone who can help you with things, write letters for you, take notes. It doesn't have to be long term, just until you are back to a hundred percent."
"Maybe," Elsa said half-heartedly with a sigh. She took a bite of her oatmeal before continuing. "Unfortunately, I've never had need of an assistant before, nor did Father, which means it would take a good deal of time to find a suitable person and train them. That's not including the time it would take for Captain Jogeir to approve an otherwise unknown person to come anywhere near the castle. I fear with recent events, he'll be even more hesitant than before."
"By that time you'll no longer need one." She was silent for a moment, her eyebrows furrowing. "Can you speed up the process a bit? Or maybe I can help somehow?"
Elsa shook her head. "Security of the castle is Captain Jogeir's job. I will not interfere with that, not without a good reason. My inability to write, however frustrating, is not a good reason." She stirred the oatmeal in front of her. "I will manage."
They sat in companionable silence while Elsa ate the food in front of her; she got about halfway through before pushing the bowl to the side, unable to take another bite. It was enough for now. She sat back in the chair and took a moment to really study her sister. At first glance she appeared to be okay, but Elsa could see the cracks, the weariness and tiredness that was still dogging her.
Elsa worried that because of her position as Queen and the injuries she sustained that everyone's focus and concern would be on her recovery and her sister, who had also suffered because of the recent events, would be overlooked. She worried no one was making sure Anna got what she needed.
"Anna." Elsa waited till she had her sister's full attention. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine."
"Are you sleeping okay?" Elsa knew she wasn't the only one suffering from nightmares. A few days ago, Anna had wondered into her room in the early morning hours, asking if she could sleep there. It had reminded Elsa of when they were little, when Anna believed Elsa could protect her from the monsters in her dreams. Despite her best efforts to pretend otherwise, Anna had finally admitted she was having a hard time sleeping. She didn't recount the nightmares to Elsa. It'd been enough to know that they were occurring.
Anna shrugged. "Malthe gave me something to help me sleep. It's been working the last couple nights."
"You know I'm here if you want to talk." She paused, weighing her words. "What you went through . . . if I had been in your position, I can't even imagine—" she dropped her eyes to her desk, her hands folded in her lap to keep from fidgeting. She didn't want to think about it, about what she would have done. The Sirma should count themselves lucky Erik stopped Tyr from hurting her sister. She doubted Hasvik or the Sirma would have been left standing. She would have razed it all to the ground. With or without magic.
She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I understand if you don't want to talk to me about what happened, but please, Anna, if not for yourself than for me, don't hold it inside, and don't marginalize what happened."
"What about you?" Anna countered.
"Me?" Elsa shifted uncomfortably. "I have an entire staff keeping tabs on my every move. I was in here for maybe ten minutes before Kai came in. Malthe comes up here multiple times a day to check on me and there's a guard at the door. In fact, this past hour is the longest stretch of alone time I've had this week. If anyone else starts worrying about my wellbeing, I'm going to start firing people."
"That's not the same and you know it." Anna sat forward in her seat. "Having people around you isn't the same as having someone to talk to. Especially for you. The people around you are staff members, advisors, subjects. People you need to maintain a certain image around. And I know you as well, Elsa. I know you don't like talking about this sort of thing, but you can't bury this under paperwork and pretend you're okay. There has to be someone you can open up to. You can always talk to me, or Kristoff, hell, even Sven, or—" Anna stopped suddenly, her jaw snapping shut. She shook her head. "I know it's hard for you to open up to people, but I will promise to talk to you or Kristoff and not to discount what I went through. But Elsa, you have to do the same, at least try."
Elsa let her eyes drop to her folded hands, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was a reasonable request. She could do that for Anna. "Okay. I'll try. When I'm ready."
"Okay. Good." Anna nodded, then stood. "I have to take care of something. Promise me you won't push yourself, if you start getting tired, or feel sick, or hurt—"
"Yes, Anna." Elsa cut her off. "I promise I won't push myself. I will retire to my room like a good little girl if I feel out of sorts."
Anna lingered for a moment, like she was trying to gage the truthfulness in Elsa's words. "Good. I'll be back soon."
Elsa watched her sister leave the room, the door closing softly behind her. Anna was right, the people around her were all subjects, staff members, people she didn't dare let her guard down around. She didn't want to disappoint her sister, but that didn't really leave her a lot of options. She couldn't talk to Anna about what had happened. She'd been through enough on her own and there were things Anna wouldn't understand and Elsa prayed the younger girl would never get the chance to understand.
A knock on the door dragged Elsa back to the present. She sighed softly, thoughts for another time then. "Come in."
"Your Majesty?" Kai opened the door. "Admiral Naismith, Judge Westberg, and Gregar Alfson are here."
Elsa shifted in her chair, pulling herself upright. "Send them in."
They bowed as they entered the room.
"Good morning, gentlemen. Please, have a seat." She gestured to the chairs.
The Judge was the first to speak. "Your Majesty, I'm relieved to see you are doing better. Physician Malthe told us it was pretty touch and go for a bit."
She gave them a tight smile. "I appreciate your concern, and while I am not yet ready to return to my full duties, I believe the matter of the Sirma and Vindarr needs to be settled and the sooner it is the better."
"Whatever we can do to help, Your Majesty," Gergar replied.
Elsa waited for her office to clear, then slouched back in her chair and wrapped her arm around her abdomen. She hadn't expected just sitting and talking could be so exhausting. Naismith, Westberg, and Alfson had all been prepared for the meeting. They had already looked into the matter and discussed plausible options and outcomes. For that, Elsa had been immensely grateful, though not in the least bit surprised. Her father had appointed each man to their position for a reason.
Even though they had come prepared, there had been a lot for them to discuss. Elsa hadn't realized just how much time had passed until Kai had quietly entered the room, mug in hand. She was still taking painkillers three times a day, a lighter one in the morning and afternoon, and a heavier one in the evening, along with the agreed upon sleep aid. The lighter medicine didn't mess with her head like the heavier ones did, but she still waited till the end of the meeting to take it. Something she now realized wasn't one of her best ideas.
She closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the chair, waiting for the medicine to dull out the throbbing in her wrist and stomach. The door to her office opened, when no one announced themselves she knew it was Anna. She waited until for the aches to die down to a dull roar before she opened her eyes. Her sister sat in a chair on the other side of the desk. Elsa took a moment to study her before releasing a weary sigh. "You're upset."
"You lied." She didn't sound angry, but resigned.
Elsa considered the accusation before responding. "It wasn't my intention to lie to you, but yes, I suppose I did." She paused for a moment, giving Anna the chance to respond, but her sister remained silent and Elsa couldn't blame her and opted to offer her an olive branch, or at least as much of one as she could manage. "I know it won't make things better, but the meeting . . . it was about the Sirma and the Vindarr. I needed to meet with a select few people in order to come to a final decision."
Anna's face softened fractionally. "And did you?"
Elsa nodded. "We did. Judge Westberg will meet with the Crown's lawyers tomorrow and ensure the proper paperwork is written up."
"Judge Westberg will?" Anna asked.
Elsa nodded. "A job I would normally do myself, but he offered and believe it or not, I can delegate. Though once it is written, I will look it over to make sure everything is in order. After that, it'll be presented to the Sirma and Vindarr representatives and signed. I intend to be present for that meeting as well. Once completed, they will return to the north and hopefully things here can start getting back to normal. Or the closest thing we have to normal."
Anna pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. She dropped her eyes down to her lap, tugging at her sleeve. She mumbled something, but it was too low for Elsa to catch.
Elsa leaned forward, resting her forearms on her desk. "Anna?"
"I punched Erik," she said in a rush.
The corner of Elsa's lip curled upward for a brief second before she smoothed her expression. "I know," she responded evenly.
Anna's head snapped up. "You know?"
Elsa nodded. "It was brought to my attention."
"I'm sorry." Anna paused, twisting her lips, then shook her head. "No, I'm not. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry, but also sorry because I know he lost his brother, but not sorry that Tyr is—but I know I shouldn't have and I'm sorry because I know your disappointed in me and you would have never—"
"Anna." Elsa held her hands up, halting her sister's rambling confession. "I'm not disappointed in you. You could never disappoint me. And if I understand the . . . time frame correctly. I can't blame you. I can't even begin to imagine what I would have done in your situation. Is it okay that you hit Erik? As your Queen, my answer is no. But—" Elsa added quickly as Anna's shoulders drooped. "—as your sister, well I hope you knocked him on his ass."
Anna's eyes went as wide as saucers.
"But I never said that." She gave her sister a wink, enticing a smile from the younger woman. She let her own smile slip as she took a more serious tone. "I'm not sure it'll mean much, but other than the meeting with the Vindarr and Sirma, my only intention is to look over letters and documents in need of my attention until the good doctor clears me."
Anna narrowed her eyes like she didn't quite believe her sister and, given Elsa's history, she couldn't rightly blame the woman. "You promise?"
Elsa opened her mouth to but stopped. She shook her head. "I wish I could. I truly do. But I can't foresee the future and I can't promise that something won't come up that needs my immediate attention. But I can promise you I will try my best to follow Malthe's orders."
Anna tilted her head to the side, then nodded. "Okay. I think I can accept that."
Elsa fidgeted with the sleeve of her robe. "Actually, there is one other thing."
"Elsa—"
"Just—" she took a steady breath. "It's something I need you to do. If you are feeling up to it."
Anna tilted her head, looking like she was caught between curiosity and frustration. "What is it?"
Elsa fixed her eyes on her hands, trying not to fidget. Her stomach flopping uncomfortable. "I would like you to plan a ceremony. For the soldiers who sacrificed their lives in Hasvik. For those who went above and beyond the call of duty. Admiral Naismith will give you a list of names." She paused, tugging at her sleeve, pulling it over the splint on her arm. "The townsfolk will also need to know Olaf is—" She stopped, unable to finish the sentence.
"You know?"
Elsa gave her a tight smile. "Of course I do," she breathed. "His connection—their connection wasn't one way. I wasn't sure at first. It took some time to work out what was—different. Like a noise I'd grown accustom too was suddenly gone."
Anna ducked her head. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier. We aren't completely sure when it happened. Malthe thinks it might have been—" she cut herself off, taking a shaky breath. "We couldn't wake you, and your magic, it just—stopped. Kristoff found a pile of partially melted snow in Sven's stall. Sven had been pretty upset. It took a bit before we realized what had happened. No one has seen Rune since either, and of course Marshmallow is up on the North mountain, so. . ."
"They are gone as well," Elsa whispered.
"I'm sorry."
"I should have . . ." Elsa couldn't finish, unsure what she could have done. They were her creations. She was responsible for them, and now they were gone. More lives lost in the fallout of her selfish choices. She looked away, taking a moment before gathering herself. "The people didn't know Marshmallow or Rune, but Olaf used to play with the children a lot. They deserve to know. And the men in woman who—they deserve to be honored for their service."
"I'll take care of it," Anna said softly.
"Thank you." Elsa responded softly. She knew Anna would do a better job planning the event. She knew the people of Arendelle better, understood them. But more than that, Elsa didn't feel ready to look at the list of names, to see the cost of her choices written out so coldly. It was too soon. Too close to the events of Hasvik, too close to the disaster of her coronation.
