Rowan is a tall male with broad shoulders and a slim face, which looks strikingly innocent. He's around 6'3 and 220 pounds. He has very short, clean cut black hair. His arms are covered in tattoos. His lip has a small stud piercing. Rowan's eyes are warm brown and sports a gash across his right eyebrow, which is a permanent scar.
Rowan Augustine
Sometime in October 40ADD
As I stare at the ceiling, I feel an overwhelming sense of confusion. A million questions run through my mind as I proposition myself from underneath the covers. A quick glance around tells me that I'm in Nano's apartment. I can recognise the fake potted cacti dotted about on every piece of the furniture. They help brighten up the rest of the dull grey disappointing room, with the cracks in the ceiling, cold air breezing through the cracks of the door and just enough space to do a star jump.
This is hardly a Capitol lifestyle. Nano's studying for his psychology degree to try to make it out of here and I keep trying to funnel my parent's funding to him, but if they catch me...I'm too scared of what'll happen.
I can quickly piece together what's going on. I assume I had a 'rage' blackout again, but I can never remember what happens when I do have one. But everytime I snap out of it, all I feel is guilt, regret and confusion. I don't want to know what I've done this time.
All of a sudden, the door creaks open, as a sudden rush of freezing air blows in. I instinctively pull the covers up, but I can relax again. It's just Nano, who's looking worried as ever. He shows me an optimistic smile. And everytime he smiles, I feel an infinite times happier than I ever have before.
"How long was I out for?" My voice croaks, as I realise how thirsty and hungry I am.
"It was just over the night." Nano looks defeated, but he continues to smile. This must be stressing him a lot.
It hasn't been too long, but it's still long enough to hurt somebody. It's always too long. "I...I didn't do anything I'd regret, did I?"
Nano shakes his head. He sits on the edge of the creaky bed (can it even support both of our weights?) and rubs my hand. I feel parts of my worries evaporate away, as an odd warmness fills my body. "No. I managed to lock you in before you could hurt anybody…"
He points at the wall, where I notice a large dent, around the size of my fist.. "Oh god...I'll pay for the recoveries, I promise."
He puts a finger to lip, shushing me. "We both know you don't have the money for that. Please, just let me handle it."
We sit in silence for a minute, holding each other's hands. The guilty thoughts are still rushing in, but it's not as bad as usual. I don't think Nano feels any anger. And I'm relieved that I didn't hurt anybody this time. The last few times have all resulted in terrible injuries. I still can't sleep at night thinking about what I did to my previous victims.
Nano suddenly stands up and I feel an emptiness once more. The hole in my heart he filled is gaping again. All I need right now is to feel him and hear him reassure me, as he tells me it's all ok, even if I know it's not true. Nano walks over to a small cabinet that I know is filled with his studies. I'm starting to know where everything in his room is now, as I spend too much time here.
"I've been speaking to my professor." Nano sheepishly says, as he begins to flick through a giant book. I'd love to dig into it too, though I don't think they'll have anything as informative as this in the library. And it's too expensive to buy such a massive encyclopaedia like book. "He tells me that it's some form of dissociative disorder. And I think it's most likely dissociative amnesia."
"Really? It isn't a split personality?" I utter, still confused. Maybe it's my groggy state that's worsening these feelings.
Nano finds the page. He puts his finger to paper and begins to skim through. I stare at his face, admiring how beautiful it is. His skin is so smooth, his piercings are so well done, his electric blue contacts are stunning...I could stare at him all day. "They're similar, almost...but when you go through that rage and black out, you still have your memories. It's almost like new emotions but it's not a new you, if that makes sense. It doesn't really fit in any of the categories well, but it's most likely to be dissociative amnesia."
"Do you think the amnesia could worsen?" I ask. Nano's lips purse, as he suddenly looks away.
"It shouldn't. As long as you don't go through anymore trauma...I don't know what'll happen then. But I'll be here to protect you." Nano holds my hand once more and my heart begins to flutter again.
I mutter: "And I'll always protect you too." It's not much, but I can keep that promise as some form of repayment. I'll never be able to make up for all he's done for me, but I can help him as much as possible, in my own little ways.
We hold each other again, embracing each other's warmth. Time seems to stop as I can hear my heart pulsing quicker than ever. I don't ever want this moment to end. I know we're still stressed, but as we find out more, I feel even more hopeful that I can change this. I need to keep working to stop this from happening, for Nano's sake.
"As soon as I find out more and finish my degree, I can give you proper therapy and…"
"Shh, shh. You're doing more than any one person should do. Don't push yourself even harder just for me, please." I ask him, though I know he won't listen. He'll keep pushing himself more and more and I don't know how I can repay him. I have to find another way.
The bed creaks, as Nano leans closer. We kiss, for a second, for a minute, for an hour (at least what it feels like.). The entire world spins around us, watching out true love blossom and I realise that I never want to let go.
The blackouts don't happen often. But they're frequent enough to negatively affect my life. I've lost jobs and so many friends over my state of anger that I can't even remember feeling. And I'm really trying to handle it, but it's normally uncontrollable.
I find that going to places that I know I can relax in helps a lot. The place I most often go is to the local library. It has this calming influence on me. My brain is normally so distracted by all the learning I'm doing that I don't have time to focus on much else. There's nothing there to anger me and it's normally empty enough so nobody can provoke me. I only blackout when I'm beginning to feel rage.
I walk into the musty library, to return a book about the different types of mutts and how the science behind them works. I'm not even a big fan of the games, but I thought it sounded interesting enough. I never really knew they worked and I can't pass up an opportunity to learn.
I walk through the maze of shelves, trying not to step on the random books and pages that are sprawled everywhere. It's dead quiet here, so I'm putting in extra caution to be as silent as possible. Hearing my own breathing is sort of unnerving, but it helps you appreciate the smaller things.
I approach the checkout corner, where the old granny sits with a sweet grin. It really seems like she loves her job, which is lovely to see. "Finished already?"
"Yeah, I've had a lot of spare time recently…" My face grimaces into an awkward expression. What with me losing my job at the shop I worked in and my parents not wanting me at home much...
"Do you know what book you're going to take out next?" She asks, though I don't have anything in hand. Later on, I'll have all night to pick something out, but I only came here for a quick trip.
I shake my head, instead pulling out a flier. "I actually came here to ask about the job offering still…" I mutter quietly, suddenly feeling a lot less confident.
It only seems right, as I normally spend so much time here, learning. And I can't think of many other places that'll hire me based on my previous experiences and reasons for firing, not until I get the help I so desperately need. Little old hunchbacked Vita isn't too bothered about CV's. She just needs any extra hands she can get.
"Ah, of course! I'll have to schedule an interview at some point." Vita says, as she flicks open a rather large journal. The book looks dustier than normal, which causes me to cough when she slams the pages together. "I've been searching for such a long time but we haven't had many applicants. It seems the newer generations are moving away from real books. Those silly e-books are taking over!"
"That is a shame." But I'm cheering on the inside, as it seems even more likely I'll get the job.
Vita then hands me a card in her shaky hand, with a number on it. I pocket it, holding onto it, as if it'll magically disappear. I then tell her my email, so she can tell me further details on the interview.
Nano will be so proud of me if I get this job. I can't wait to see his beaming grin again, as I can help supply money for the apartment. Maybe we'll be able to move into a bigger place and I can move out of my parent's house! Already excited by the prospect, I walk out with a more hopeful spring in my step.
I always hesitate before I step through the door. If I keep up the illusion, they'll have no reason to hurt me. As long as I'm convincing enough and I don't speak out, they can't justify whatever they have in store for me. I can do this.
My hands fumble as I struggle to put the key in. There must be something stopping me subconsciously, but I have to push through it. If I spend too much time away from my parents, they'll start to suspect something and then they'll begin to interrogate me again...and I don't want to know what they'll do if they find out I'm still with Nano.
"Rowan? Is that you?" My father shouts from inside the living room.
I mumble: "Yes, it is."
Feeling my legs tremble, I continue to push myself forward. The living room is one of the most spacious rooms in the house. One wall is entirely glass with a balcony on the other side, looking over the rest of the city. We live in an expensive high tech apartment, (which is the size of a house), so the view was one of the biggest selling points. Sitting in a white and red globe chair is father, who's reading his electronic newspaper. The fire is crackling and hissing loudly in the corner, making this cold room feel a little bit more lively.
"What took you so long to get back?" He laments, his eyes narrowing slightly.
"I told you I was applying for that job." I stop myself from rolling my eyes, or looking exasperated, instead keeping a neutral expression. But the next words still slip out. "Or were you not listening?"
His mouth twitches, as he wasn't expecting me to talk back. I can see the disbelief twinkling in his eyes. "I don't like that tone."
"Sorry." I mumble, before he snaps at me.
He looks back at his e-newspaper, flicking through a few pages of the holograph. "I was growing concerned as the time passed. I thought you might be with that..."
Of course he has to use a homophobic slur. He can't ever refrain himself from speaking out. And he does it on purpose to aggravate me even further. He's teasing me, as he knows if I react, or tell him not to say that or shout back, he can use it as evidence that I'm still with Nano. To him, why would I care so much about the LGBT+ if I'm straight now? For whatever reason, he can't fathom the possibility of me being an ally (although I'm not just an ally, I'm actually bisexual.)
"I left him a long time ago, for you." I mumble, feeling filthy as the words leave my mouth. As quietly as I can, I call him a psycho, which doesn't really make me feel better.
"Good boy." He drawls, in an incredibly condescending way.
I hate being told how to live and love. And everytime he tells me what I'm doing wrong, or punishes me for it, I feel even more rage. And I'm really trying to work for a better, calmer me, so I can stop having those blackouts. The longer I'm here, the longer and harder it'll be for me to snap out of them.
It's why I desperately need to escape this house. Nano and I don't have the money to move out together yet and I doubt my library job will be of much help, so I need to find a big surplus of cash somehow. But what can I do? Money doesn't grow on trees, unless you're in the 1% of the Capitol. I'll just have to find something.
Recently, I've just lost track of all time. Last time I checked, it seemed like it was October, but it's just dawned on me that December's tomorrow. That means the Kronia celebrations will start up soon, which means I have to spend time with my family. Perhaps I could try to lie about a girlfriend, when I'm actually spending time with Nano? But then they'd constantly pester me about her and my lies will most likely crumble.
"How are you going to celebrate Kronia?" My coworker, Alisa, asks me, snapping me out of the train of thought.
"Err, probably just what everybody else does?" I mumble, not too sure what she expects from me. To lie and just say our family has some crazy traditions that nobody else celebrates?
Alisa shrugs, taking a book out of the fantasy shelf. She then shuffles it over to the sci fi shelf, which is just behind us. "What, so...you just like, give each other gifts and spend time with each other? Is that all? We host this massive ball-"
"Interesting, interesting." I nod along to the questions she's asking, already zoning out. I should really focus on sorting this sci-fi shelf out by the author's name in alphabetical order. It's tedious work, but it's calming at least. "I'm taking I'm not invited to this ball."
"You can come if you want. But won't you be spending time with your family?" She asks.
"They won't mind." I say, as I pull out a book that has many pages torn out. This should probably be binned, sadly.
We actually don't do much for Kronia. It's this old tradition that used to be celebrated. People get a break from their work and spend time with each other, but it's become kind of materialistic. It's now about who can splurge the most wealth on gifts for each other and what not.
Apparently Kronia only used to be celebrated for a day, but it lasts an entire week for us, in late Winter. The entire time you feast and party, which is typical of the Capitol. You get yourself drunk silly up until Janus's day, where you rest and prepare yourself for the new year. I think it's a fitting description of the capitalist lifestyle of the Capitol. One day of excessive greed wasn't enough, so we had to expand it to seven.
"I've actually been thinking about applying to the Saturn Games." Alisa suddenly says, as I return from getting rid of the old book.
What's...that? "Am I expected to know what that is, sorry?"
"Oh, it's like...this Hunger Games sort of thing. I guess it's a reality TV show, where you take part in a fake game." Alisa hums to herself, as she stands back, looking back at the shelf. I think she's finished her job now.
So I take a step back and look at my shelf. "Why would anyone want to join the Saturn Games then?"
I mean, I'm sort of indifferent to the Hunger Games, but I'd hate to take part in something like that. I imagine there isn't death, but it's still a torturous and cruel experience. Who wants to be constantly recorded when you're struggling in the elements and fighting with other tributes?
"Fame. Money." Alisa says, now leaning against the side of the wooden shelf.
My lips tremble. "How much money?"
Alisa shrugs. "It's...a lot. I think it's around five million tokens? If you win, that is. Everybody gets paid more than we'd make here in a year."
Five...million tokens? That's a life changing amount of money! If I manage to win that I'd never have to live with my parents again. I'd be able to move out with Nano in a house where we could live together and I could afford therapy to help sort my blackouts out. Nano won't be in debt because of his degree and I'd be able to study for one too…
"I...I think I'll apply too." I decide on it.
"Oh, imagine how fun that'd be, if we got in together!" Alisa claps her hands in excitement. I give an awkward laugh.
"That'd be amazing." I can almost feel the sarcasm drip in my voice. But the overwhelming feelings of hope make me forget all the negativity in my mind and body. If I do get in, I can get my life back on track! I won't have to feel these feelings of hopelessness and emptiness anymore. This could be my saving grace!
