"Only Now"

MaleShep/Kaidan

Written for "Mass Effect Relationships Week 2019" - Prompt - A friend in need.

Summary: In the aftermath of the Mars mission, Shepard learns the hard way why certain words - and feelings - should not be left unspoken, especially when it comes to those he cares the most about.


Throughout his military career, Commander Ty Shepard heard things no average human should hear; the crunching wet sound of a bone being crushed under a heavy weight, the choked gasp of someone's dying breath (worse when blood was involved), the sickening sizzle of skin being charred under intense heat… among others. The sounds were always horrible, but as an active soldier, one got used to it over time. It wasn't a good thing, but it was one way for Shepard to cope to the point where nothing got under his skin anymore…

Not until the moment a Cerberus AI smashed Major Kaidan Alenko's head against the side of a burning shuttle - twice.

That sound of armor being smashed against steel was more deafening to Shepard than the anguished cries of the survivors of Mindoir the morning after their colony was raided by batarians slavers. A teenager at that time, he found himself protecting the young children of his closest neighbors and managed to keep them all quiet and hidden in a barn. Because of that, he was spared from watching his parents and all but his one surviving sibling (who was living off-planet at the time) get cut down violently by the raiders in other parts of the colony. He was also spared from witnessing his first love's face being blown off by a shotgun. Seeing all of them in the aftermath didn't help, but at least Shepard wasn't forced to watch his family and boyfriend die horrifically with his own eyes. It was one of his few comforts during those dark days.

Watching Kaidan struggle against the AI's grip, then watching his head get crushed against the side of the shuttle (not once but twice) before he went limp made Shepard's heart lurch in his throat. He was certain in that moment that he just watched Kaidan die right in front of his eyes.

And that noise… it continued to rattle in Shepard's head even as he pulled the trigger on the AI with his pistol, not stopping until the bot fell into a heap on the platform they stood on. It was still there as he checked on Kaidan's unconscious form and desperately calling out his name in vain. It continued to haunt him as the Normandy flew away from Mars and while he got Kaidan to the med-bay. It gripped him like a vice while he briefed Hackett on their mission and chatted with Liara about what was to come.

It was still there in his head when he checked up on Kaidan on their way to the Citadel.

The Reapers only landed on Earth three hours ago. People were dying by the millions. But the only thing Shepard could think about at the moment was how close he came to losing Kaidan.

Shepard always knew he cared about Kaidan ever since they started serving together on the Normandy SR-1, but he held himself back from revealing his feelings. It wasn't because Shepard was afraid of opening his heart to him after the tragedy on Mindoir; Shepard was engaged to be married at one point early in his career and long after the raid. But after Torfan – and said engagement was broken off – it just seemed simpler to not get involved in a romantic relationship while he was still in the Alliance. Considering the rules on fraternization in the first place, and his rank, it was for the best.

But somehow, Kaidan managed to slowly chip away at the barrier Shepard put up around himself. Not only did they fight side-by-side during their mission to hunt Saren, but they also took the time to get to know each other during downtime. They mourned and shared a drink together after losing Ashley, and they celebrated after Saren and Sovereign were taken down and the Citadel was saved.

Then, Shepard died after the Normandy was attacked. As he drew his final breath, the last person he thought about was Kaidan - and how he would never get the chance to tell him what was in his heart.

Two years and a hell of a wake-up call later, things changed, though Shepard wasn't sure if it was for better or for worse. His argument with Kaidan on Horizon was like being stabbed right in the chest and having the knife left in there to remind him of what he lost - and what could have been.

And until today, Shepard didn't think he would ever see Kaidan again. So he moved on, and kept his focus on his career as he always did.

When he saw Kaidan for the first time in months just moments before the Reapers hit, Shepard couldn't help but think that the Major looked more handsome than he remembered. He knew then that he still cared for Kaidan just as he did three years ago, even with the mild tension that laid between them as they exchanged pleasantries.

Then, as the Reapers began to destroy Earth, they met up again on the Normandy SR2 and headed to Mars to retrieve the prothean date that could save the galaxy.

Initially, Shepard was annoyed with Kaidan still questioning him over his 'alliance' with Cerberus despite the Commander telling him over and over again that he was only using them to save the colonists in the Terminus system. It hurt when the Major somewhat compared him to one of the Cerberus soldiers they found - and who somewhat turned into a husk. To his credit, Kaidan did apologize after Shepard confronted him about it.

They did make attempts to soothe things over, but there was still a long talk that was needed once there was some down time. Except at this moment, Kaidan's was hanging on for his life. Who knew if they would have another chance to talk… about Horizon, about Cerberus… about unspoken feelings…

That last thought brought a heavy, aching pain deep with Shepard's chest, more so than he had anticipated. Why did I let so much time pass me by without ever telling Kaidan… how I…

While sitting by Kaidan's bed in the med-bay, Shepard felt the urge to take his hand in his, but held back. Instead, he shifted closer to the bed and rested his hand at the edge of the bed.

"Dammit, Kaidan," Shepard murmured just enough so that the Major could hopefully hear him somehow. "You scared the hell out of me when…" The remaining words hitched in his throat and the Commander forced himself to take a deep breath. "Just… pull through, okay? And not just because of this damn war. But… there's so much to say… about… everything. Please, Kaidan… I don't think I can-"

Shepard's breath hitched once more before he let out a choked sob. Tears stung his eyes as he finally gave in and reached his hand to Kaidan's. His hold was just firm enough in the hopes that Kaidan can somehow feel his touch.

In that moment, Shepard knew that he didn't just care about Kaidan… he loved him. He loved him and he was kicking himself for not realizing it sooner. Of course, only now, did the realization smack him in the face while Kaidan was laid out on a medical bed and tethering between life and death.

Shepard gave Kaidan's hand a gentle squeeze. "We'll be at the Citadel soon," he promised. "And then you're going to get better. And when you do, you and I will talk. We'll talk about whatever you want and…"

Shepard took a shaky breath as another wave of emotion hit him, but he managed to keep them at bay. He reached his free hand to grasp the Major's shoulder. "Fight this, Kaidan. I don't think I can-" he stopped himself before he finished that sentence and quickly said, "That's an order, okay? Fight this. I know you can do it, Kaidan… please…"

And for a long while after, Shepard maintained a silent vigil at Kaidan's side.