Etude Op. 10, No. 6 in e-flat minor ("Lament")
Some nights were worse than others. Tonight, Shuhei stared down at the keys, so choked in shame and loathing he could barely breathe.
I will never be brilliant. I will never be worthy.
He couldn't play a note, couldn't make a sound.
He felt Kai's hand on his shoulder, a warm, solid weight, grounding and reassuring. Shuhei warred with himself. I am not my father. I won't be like this.
The darkness would always be with him, molded into the soft clay of his childhood in the image of his father. He took a deep breath, and then another. I will never be truly free.
But I can try to be different.
- O -
Author's notes: It may not sound like it, but this is a success story. My spouse said, the first time they heard this etude, that it sounded like Chopin was "staring down a whiskey bottle about to blow his brains out." So in that image, the theme of this chapter is depression.
Shuhei's battle is my own. I grew up much the same as him, raised on fear and shame, powered by self-hate. Much like an adult struggles to pick up a second language, I've struggled relentlessly to learn a new way of thinking. It may seem hopelessly bleak that Shuhei can't ever be rid of his demons for good, but that is my reality: something resembling a mental disorder that can never be cured, only managed.
But even "managed" can get Shuhei through one day at a time. And to me, that's a success.