Different Tune to the Same Song
By: Kitty-chan
Chapter 7: The Bree Witch Project
AN: Ack! I'm snowed in! Can't leave my dorm or a thousand snowballs will be thrown in my general direction! So, I decided to finish up another chapter. Enjoy my big Blair Witch rip off!
"So, this is how it goes. We need the dude that lives there, me. The magic person, you. The screwed up couple, Celeborn and Galadriel. The occult person, we'll be picking him up now. It's got to be like the Book of Shadows movie.", said Tom who drove a white van with the words, Bree Witch Hunt on the side.
"Tom, the one in the movie was Wiccan not Wizard. Besides, we came out here to find the hobbits... not the witch.", said Gandalf from the passenger seat.
"Whom is this occult person?", questioned Galadriel from the back.
"Duh, the only goth in this story who could fill in the part of Kim.", replied Tom.
"What! Hell no! I am not sharing a tent with Sauron!", whined Celeborn.
"You live with him! You can spend a night in the Old Forest with him. For heavens sake, I had to bribe him with pipe-weed until he agreed to be our Kim replacement.", grummbled Gandalf.
After picking Sauron up from the cementary (why he was there, only the Valar know). Than headed to the Prancing Pony Mini-Mart in Bree to get beer. They drove to the edge of the Old Forest than hiked all the way to their camping stop, next to Old Man Willow.
Tom set up the area with cameras and kept one hand held one for himself. "Hey, Tom! Theres something weird about this tree.", said Celeborn has he gazed up at the willow tree.
"It's just a tree. So... when do we start looking for the hobbits?", smiled Galadriel.
"What hobbits? Did I get screwed into a missing persons search team?", questioned Sauron.
"Kinda but I really needed a goth. You know, just in case there is a witch and we can pull a Book of Shadows spin off.", grined Tom has he started up his hand held camera.
"Thats it... I'm outta here!", announced Sauron has he headed down the path but was tackeled.
"Oops, sorry bout that.", smirked Aragorn has he picked up his camera.
"Aragorn? What the hell are you doing here?", glared Gandalf.
Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli where behind him. They had all their camping gear on them. "Bree Witch Tour and we're looking for the hobbits!"
"Bree Witch Hunt! We're looking for the hobbit so go some where else.", piped Tom with his camera pointed at the high schoolers.
"Why did you tackle me?", groned the voice of the goth on the ground.
"You where in all black... I thought you where the witch."
"Well, you should try looking for the hobbits at the Borrow-Downs. We clamed this spot first!", pointed out Galadriel.
"Come on, Aragorn. I didn't drive all this way to stand around.", grumbled Boromir.
"Fine, but you haven't heard the last of us.", warned Aragorn has the group of four headed off down the path.
"My back..."
"I just got a great idea! Lets tie Sauron to the tree and use him has witch bait.", grined Celeborn evily.
"Oh crap.", muttered Sauron has he attemped to run but four college students jumped him and dragged him to the tree.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sauron had been let down after he promised he wouldn't run away. They tied a rope to him anyway and gave the leash to Galadriel (Gandalf found this amussing). Everyone ended up high and smashed anyway so they passed out and missed their whole camp site being thrashed.
"My, cameras! There ruined! Who the hell did this!?", whined Tom.
"They look like they where bitten off by a Balrog. I would know!", protested Gandalf.
"We fell asleep! Those high school brats must have come back and trashed all our stuff!", shrieked Celeborn.
"At least the tapes are still here.", shrugged Sauron.
"How do you know?", asked Tom with a raised brow.
"Urrgg, I have an all seeing eye! Can't you people grasp that?", grummbled Sauron has he tried to walk toward the tree but was haulted by his leash and fell.
Galadriel dropped the leash, "Kinky, oh well."
Gandalf shrugged and reached under the roots of the tree and pulled out the tapes, "Damn that Strider! He used to be such a nice kid until he started hanging around Boromir."
"Okay, lets go to my place and watch the tapes. So, we can catch those little bastards in the act.", griped Tom has he gathered all his stuff.
"Can I go home?", wined Sauron.
"No! Galadriel grab the leash!", ordered Gandalf.
"Okay.", she shrugged and picked up the leash at her feet.
"I think your making Celeborn extremly jealous.", the maia smiled wickedly at his elven roomie.
"Do you like the rest of your fingers or do you want them gone too?", shot back Celeborn.
"Uh oh, the scrawny little elf boy is gonna kick my ass. I hope you know you've lost your elven cheer."
"Eek! Oh lord! I not the perky elf I used to be! Damn this hangover!", weeped Celeborn. He than hugged his reluctant roomie, "I love you, man!"
"I'm scared now. Okay lets go.", said Tom has he yanked Celeborn off Sauron who was trying to resist the urge to bite the leech like elf.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Welcome to my hummble home! Goldberry isn't here today but enjoy your stay.", said a now cheerful Tom.
"Can we please get this over with!", complained the leashed Sauron.
"Fine, follow me.", grumbled Tom. They followed him into a room with all Tom's camera equipment.
"So... which film do we play first?", pondered Gandalf.
"I don't know but we can't think without beer. Galadriel, will you go on a booze run to the Prancing Pony Mini-Mart?", questioned Tom.
"Sure.", she answered and grabs the keys to Tom's van. Then dragged Sauron along with her.
"Okay, lets get started.", Tom picked a random tape and popped it into the VCR.
After two minutes of nothing interesting, Gandalf sighed, "I'm gonna snatch something to eat."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ssoooo...."
"So?", Galadriel raised an eye brow.
"You gonna let me off this leash?"
"Ummm... try no."
"Damn... can I drive?"
"Nope."
Just than they pulled into the Prancing Pony parking lot. They managed to get the beer but not without almost getting ran over by a woman with a cart load of Spam.
"Hey, this leash thing is pretty fun.", smirked Galadriel.
"For you. Start the damn car before more hicks show up."
"Thats not gonna happen."
Sauron was getting that sinking felling that all men get once they knew a woman was gonna ask a billion questions and most likely bust into tears. Yet, the poor goth had no true clue what he was in for.
Galadriel got a very wicked look in her face, "Your gonna end up with a limp after I'm done with you!"
"Eek!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The duo had returned to the shreiks of Celeborn, "Poor, poor Gandy is missing!"
"What took you two so long?", questioned Tom.
"Um... er... we ran into the witch! Yeah, the witch. Now what was that about Gandalf?", asked Galadriel trying to change the subject. Sauron was smiling widely like an idiot.
"He went to get some munchies and vanished!", whined Celeborn has he latched onto Galadriel like a child.
"All that remains is his hat.", annouced Tom has he held up a grey baseball cap. He got destracted by Sauron's overly happy smile, "What happened to you?"
Galadriel nudged him with her elbow, "Uhh... he was cursed by the witch! Yeah, the witch!"
"Errr... okay.", Tom was about to ask something else until the phone rang. He picked it up and answered, "Hello."
"Tom we have bad news.", came the voice of the sherif.
"Yeah, my shit was trashed and I may be able to prove who did it!"
"It's more important than that! Another group of teenagers is missing. We found more film at the Barrow-Downs and guess who's on it?"
"Uh... Aragorn?"
"No, you idiot! It's your group and your telling them to head to the Barrow-Downs!"
"Hey, we had nothing to do with their disappearance!"
"We'll see about that!", ended the sherif has he hung up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Okay now what?", grummbled Gandalf has he walked back and forth in the tomb like place under the hill of the Barrow-Downs.
"I'm bored, hungery, and I smell. I've been here for a week.", whined Merry has he sat on the floor.
"Well, I just happen to have this cell phone but it's a Palantir. I keep getting Denethor's voice mail.", said Pippin has he pulled out the cell phone.
"You have a phone and you never told me?", growled Gandalf.
"We already tryed it. We got Sauron but Pippin said he was busy.", pouted Legolas.
"What kind of busy?", questioned the wizard.
Pippin face turned red, "Uhh... there sounded like alot of pain. I'm guessing bondage but I may be wrong..." (Don't look at me... Duff Chick's the one that wanted me to give him some women and she meant it plural! He could be pimpin it!)
"Fool of a Took! My mind is now scarred for that mental image!"
"Oh, sorry."
Aragorn shook his head, "Pippin, where did you get a Palantir from anyway."
"When Grima grabbed it out of Saruman's backpack and chucked it a Gandalf."
"So, thats what he threw at me. Took, give me the phone.", Gandalf says has he snatchs it away from the hobbit. He pushed in the first number on speed dial and waited.
"Yup?", came the goth's voice.
"Err... your not doing anything important... are you?", asked Gandalf carefully.
Sauron sounded puzzled, "Whatever do you mean?"
"Okay, this is Gandalf."
"Oh, so you didn't die."
Gandalf thought he sounded dissappointed, "Well, I'm traped under the Barrow-Down. There is no witch cuz it's really a barrow-wright. Can you get me out."
"Nope.", and the line went dead.
"Damn it! We're stuck!"
"Isn't there a little tune that turns Tom into a prancing hick superhero?", questioned Frodo.
Boromir whips out his handy FotR pocket size book, "Lets see here... Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo! By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow. By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear it! Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!"
They all look at Boromir like he smoked to much of his share on the of pipe-weed. Boromir shrugged, "What, I more resourcful then just taking bullets for hobbits!"
"Arrows.", corrected Sam.
"Shut up."
"So, where is Super Tom the Hick?", grummbled Gimli.
"Damn, that slow van! Well what are we gonna do next chapter?", sighed the grey wizard.
"The same thing we do every chapter.", pointed out Aragorn.
"Try to catch a bus to Mordor so we can finally get rid of the ring and this fic can end?", suggested Frodo.
"No, get high at Bag End than do something insanly stupid?"
Soon the campers where saved by Super Tom the Moive Reject! The teens never ended up on milk cartons and Kitty-chan eventually got nailed by a snowball.
Last word:
No, I'm not some lost little tiny-booper that got magically sent to Middle Earth, or some warrior/ranger chick that was Aragorn's ex, or some magical all powerful elf (or half elf) princess and daughter of Galadriel, or the evil daughter of Sauron that turns goody at the first sight of Legolas, or a shiftshaping pyshic that is in some way a Vala or Maia. If I had to become a LotR's character then I would be... a shapeless, faceless, and nameless Nazgul. Why? Because villians have more fun and I'd get to be a band memeber in Shadout Mapes' fic called Sex, Pipe-weed, and Rock n' Roll (but I'll only be part of the unoffical groupies *sigh*) Read it or I'll eat your soul! It's the funniest fic I've seen in ages!
By: Kitty-chan
Chapter 7: The Bree Witch Project
AN: Ack! I'm snowed in! Can't leave my dorm or a thousand snowballs will be thrown in my general direction! So, I decided to finish up another chapter. Enjoy my big Blair Witch rip off!
"So, this is how it goes. We need the dude that lives there, me. The magic person, you. The screwed up couple, Celeborn and Galadriel. The occult person, we'll be picking him up now. It's got to be like the Book of Shadows movie.", said Tom who drove a white van with the words, Bree Witch Hunt on the side.
"Tom, the one in the movie was Wiccan not Wizard. Besides, we came out here to find the hobbits... not the witch.", said Gandalf from the passenger seat.
"Whom is this occult person?", questioned Galadriel from the back.
"Duh, the only goth in this story who could fill in the part of Kim.", replied Tom.
"What! Hell no! I am not sharing a tent with Sauron!", whined Celeborn.
"You live with him! You can spend a night in the Old Forest with him. For heavens sake, I had to bribe him with pipe-weed until he agreed to be our Kim replacement.", grummbled Gandalf.
After picking Sauron up from the cementary (why he was there, only the Valar know). Than headed to the Prancing Pony Mini-Mart in Bree to get beer. They drove to the edge of the Old Forest than hiked all the way to their camping stop, next to Old Man Willow.
Tom set up the area with cameras and kept one hand held one for himself. "Hey, Tom! Theres something weird about this tree.", said Celeborn has he gazed up at the willow tree.
"It's just a tree. So... when do we start looking for the hobbits?", smiled Galadriel.
"What hobbits? Did I get screwed into a missing persons search team?", questioned Sauron.
"Kinda but I really needed a goth. You know, just in case there is a witch and we can pull a Book of Shadows spin off.", grined Tom has he started up his hand held camera.
"Thats it... I'm outta here!", announced Sauron has he headed down the path but was tackeled.
"Oops, sorry bout that.", smirked Aragorn has he picked up his camera.
"Aragorn? What the hell are you doing here?", glared Gandalf.
Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli where behind him. They had all their camping gear on them. "Bree Witch Tour and we're looking for the hobbits!"
"Bree Witch Hunt! We're looking for the hobbit so go some where else.", piped Tom with his camera pointed at the high schoolers.
"Why did you tackle me?", groned the voice of the goth on the ground.
"You where in all black... I thought you where the witch."
"Well, you should try looking for the hobbits at the Borrow-Downs. We clamed this spot first!", pointed out Galadriel.
"Come on, Aragorn. I didn't drive all this way to stand around.", grumbled Boromir.
"Fine, but you haven't heard the last of us.", warned Aragorn has the group of four headed off down the path.
"My back..."
"I just got a great idea! Lets tie Sauron to the tree and use him has witch bait.", grined Celeborn evily.
"Oh crap.", muttered Sauron has he attemped to run but four college students jumped him and dragged him to the tree.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sauron had been let down after he promised he wouldn't run away. They tied a rope to him anyway and gave the leash to Galadriel (Gandalf found this amussing). Everyone ended up high and smashed anyway so they passed out and missed their whole camp site being thrashed.
"My, cameras! There ruined! Who the hell did this!?", whined Tom.
"They look like they where bitten off by a Balrog. I would know!", protested Gandalf.
"We fell asleep! Those high school brats must have come back and trashed all our stuff!", shrieked Celeborn.
"At least the tapes are still here.", shrugged Sauron.
"How do you know?", asked Tom with a raised brow.
"Urrgg, I have an all seeing eye! Can't you people grasp that?", grummbled Sauron has he tried to walk toward the tree but was haulted by his leash and fell.
Galadriel dropped the leash, "Kinky, oh well."
Gandalf shrugged and reached under the roots of the tree and pulled out the tapes, "Damn that Strider! He used to be such a nice kid until he started hanging around Boromir."
"Okay, lets go to my place and watch the tapes. So, we can catch those little bastards in the act.", griped Tom has he gathered all his stuff.
"Can I go home?", wined Sauron.
"No! Galadriel grab the leash!", ordered Gandalf.
"Okay.", she shrugged and picked up the leash at her feet.
"I think your making Celeborn extremly jealous.", the maia smiled wickedly at his elven roomie.
"Do you like the rest of your fingers or do you want them gone too?", shot back Celeborn.
"Uh oh, the scrawny little elf boy is gonna kick my ass. I hope you know you've lost your elven cheer."
"Eek! Oh lord! I not the perky elf I used to be! Damn this hangover!", weeped Celeborn. He than hugged his reluctant roomie, "I love you, man!"
"I'm scared now. Okay lets go.", said Tom has he yanked Celeborn off Sauron who was trying to resist the urge to bite the leech like elf.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Welcome to my hummble home! Goldberry isn't here today but enjoy your stay.", said a now cheerful Tom.
"Can we please get this over with!", complained the leashed Sauron.
"Fine, follow me.", grumbled Tom. They followed him into a room with all Tom's camera equipment.
"So... which film do we play first?", pondered Gandalf.
"I don't know but we can't think without beer. Galadriel, will you go on a booze run to the Prancing Pony Mini-Mart?", questioned Tom.
"Sure.", she answered and grabs the keys to Tom's van. Then dragged Sauron along with her.
"Okay, lets get started.", Tom picked a random tape and popped it into the VCR.
After two minutes of nothing interesting, Gandalf sighed, "I'm gonna snatch something to eat."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ssoooo...."
"So?", Galadriel raised an eye brow.
"You gonna let me off this leash?"
"Ummm... try no."
"Damn... can I drive?"
"Nope."
Just than they pulled into the Prancing Pony parking lot. They managed to get the beer but not without almost getting ran over by a woman with a cart load of Spam.
"Hey, this leash thing is pretty fun.", smirked Galadriel.
"For you. Start the damn car before more hicks show up."
"Thats not gonna happen."
Sauron was getting that sinking felling that all men get once they knew a woman was gonna ask a billion questions and most likely bust into tears. Yet, the poor goth had no true clue what he was in for.
Galadriel got a very wicked look in her face, "Your gonna end up with a limp after I'm done with you!"
"Eek!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The duo had returned to the shreiks of Celeborn, "Poor, poor Gandy is missing!"
"What took you two so long?", questioned Tom.
"Um... er... we ran into the witch! Yeah, the witch. Now what was that about Gandalf?", asked Galadriel trying to change the subject. Sauron was smiling widely like an idiot.
"He went to get some munchies and vanished!", whined Celeborn has he latched onto Galadriel like a child.
"All that remains is his hat.", annouced Tom has he held up a grey baseball cap. He got destracted by Sauron's overly happy smile, "What happened to you?"
Galadriel nudged him with her elbow, "Uhh... he was cursed by the witch! Yeah, the witch!"
"Errr... okay.", Tom was about to ask something else until the phone rang. He picked it up and answered, "Hello."
"Tom we have bad news.", came the voice of the sherif.
"Yeah, my shit was trashed and I may be able to prove who did it!"
"It's more important than that! Another group of teenagers is missing. We found more film at the Barrow-Downs and guess who's on it?"
"Uh... Aragorn?"
"No, you idiot! It's your group and your telling them to head to the Barrow-Downs!"
"Hey, we had nothing to do with their disappearance!"
"We'll see about that!", ended the sherif has he hung up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Okay now what?", grummbled Gandalf has he walked back and forth in the tomb like place under the hill of the Barrow-Downs.
"I'm bored, hungery, and I smell. I've been here for a week.", whined Merry has he sat on the floor.
"Well, I just happen to have this cell phone but it's a Palantir. I keep getting Denethor's voice mail.", said Pippin has he pulled out the cell phone.
"You have a phone and you never told me?", growled Gandalf.
"We already tryed it. We got Sauron but Pippin said he was busy.", pouted Legolas.
"What kind of busy?", questioned the wizard.
Pippin face turned red, "Uhh... there sounded like alot of pain. I'm guessing bondage but I may be wrong..." (Don't look at me... Duff Chick's the one that wanted me to give him some women and she meant it plural! He could be pimpin it!)
"Fool of a Took! My mind is now scarred for that mental image!"
"Oh, sorry."
Aragorn shook his head, "Pippin, where did you get a Palantir from anyway."
"When Grima grabbed it out of Saruman's backpack and chucked it a Gandalf."
"So, thats what he threw at me. Took, give me the phone.", Gandalf says has he snatchs it away from the hobbit. He pushed in the first number on speed dial and waited.
"Yup?", came the goth's voice.
"Err... your not doing anything important... are you?", asked Gandalf carefully.
Sauron sounded puzzled, "Whatever do you mean?"
"Okay, this is Gandalf."
"Oh, so you didn't die."
Gandalf thought he sounded dissappointed, "Well, I'm traped under the Barrow-Down. There is no witch cuz it's really a barrow-wright. Can you get me out."
"Nope.", and the line went dead.
"Damn it! We're stuck!"
"Isn't there a little tune that turns Tom into a prancing hick superhero?", questioned Frodo.
Boromir whips out his handy FotR pocket size book, "Lets see here... Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo! By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow. By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear it! Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!"
They all look at Boromir like he smoked to much of his share on the of pipe-weed. Boromir shrugged, "What, I more resourcful then just taking bullets for hobbits!"
"Arrows.", corrected Sam.
"Shut up."
"So, where is Super Tom the Hick?", grummbled Gimli.
"Damn, that slow van! Well what are we gonna do next chapter?", sighed the grey wizard.
"The same thing we do every chapter.", pointed out Aragorn.
"Try to catch a bus to Mordor so we can finally get rid of the ring and this fic can end?", suggested Frodo.
"No, get high at Bag End than do something insanly stupid?"
Soon the campers where saved by Super Tom the Moive Reject! The teens never ended up on milk cartons and Kitty-chan eventually got nailed by a snowball.
Last word:
No, I'm not some lost little tiny-booper that got magically sent to Middle Earth, or some warrior/ranger chick that was Aragorn's ex, or some magical all powerful elf (or half elf) princess and daughter of Galadriel, or the evil daughter of Sauron that turns goody at the first sight of Legolas, or a shiftshaping pyshic that is in some way a Vala or Maia. If I had to become a LotR's character then I would be... a shapeless, faceless, and nameless Nazgul. Why? Because villians have more fun and I'd get to be a band memeber in Shadout Mapes' fic called Sex, Pipe-weed, and Rock n' Roll (but I'll only be part of the unoffical groupies *sigh*) Read it or I'll eat your soul! It's the funniest fic I've seen in ages!