A/N: Language warning, and slash, not graphic. Disclaimer: *sob* I want them! I want them all! But alas, they are not mine. Came from a sudden liking of Jason Lee and his character. Title from "Her quirky sense of humor" You can tell I got the SE dvd, ne? Falls into same universe as all the other ones.
Quirky
"You know, I hate bowling." Bartleby commented. Loki looked up from choosing a ball to see his friend sprawled uncomfortably in a cheap plastic chair. Loki shrugged. He finally chose a ball (by the color- it was blue) and assumed an air of disbelief.
"No! You hate bowling? How could you *possibly* hate bowling?"
Bartleby rolled his eyes. "It's boring, stupid, and incredibly unsanitary. Do you know whose fingers have been in those holes? And the shoes!"
Loki laughed loudly, and Bartleby sighed dramatically and shivered as he watched Loki release the ball down the lane. It spun lazily, hovered back and forth, and then knocked down seven pins.
"You just don't like it cuz you suck." he teased.
"At least it's not Skeeball." Shaking his head, Bartleby went back to people-watching, a habit that had stayed with him in mortality.
Half an hour later, Bartleby was dozing, half-awake, when a familiar figure caught his eye. A man in a white suit was standing at the scummy bowling alley bar, talking to the bartender. Bartleby rubbed his eyes and took a closer look. It couldn't be-
"Shit," he muttered, getting quickly to his feet. "Loki!" he hissed.
"Finally decided to play?"
"We have to leave! Now!"
Loki's blue eyes widened in confusion, but he trusted the other man's instincts. They hurriedly exited the bowling alley and got on a bus. Only then did Loki notice he was still wearing bowling shoes.
"Aw fuck, I left my new Sketchers there! What was that about?" he asked.
Bartleby grimaced. "It seems a friend of ours has come to town."
"What are you talking about?" Loki said impatiently.
"I saw Azrael at the alley."
"No fuckin way!"
"Yeah. But what is he doing here? How'd he get out of Hell again?" Bartleby wondered as the bus stopped and they got off at the corner. They strolled down the street to their apartment complex.
"Well, he's gotta be here for us. What else is there in Wisconsin?" Loki mused.
"Oh, just a whole state full of souls." Bartleby said sarcastically.
"You know what I mean," he said as they entered their apartment.
"Yeah."
A pause. "Well, we can't do anything about it, so-"
"Loki-"
"Let's fuck!" he suggested brightly.
"Can you focus, please? We need to-"
"Aw, c'mon, you know you want to..." Loki wheedled, clearly not listening to him.
Bartleby rolled his eyes. "It's like living with a five-year-old."
Loki pouted. "Is that all you see me as? A child?"
Bartleby chuckled and pulled his love into a kiss. "Now you know that's not true," he mumbled as Loki peeled his shirt off.
"Yes, sex!" he said triumphantly, and their lips meant again in an insistent kiss.
Suddenly, the door burst open, and the two former angels jerked apart. The "fucking demon" himself stood in the doorway, a gun leveled at them.
"Hello, boys, sorry to interrupt your fun."
Bartleby swung Loki behind him protectively. "What in God's name are you doing here?!"
Azrael tipped his head. "Killing you." he said calmly, lunging forward and shoving the gun under Bartleby's chin. Loki threw a punch, but Azrael easily deflected it and pushed him aside. He landed hard on the floor, his head knocking painfully against the coffee table. He watched in horror as Azrael backed Bartleby against the wall, nearly choking him with the gun.
"Wait! Why kill us? Can't we talk-"
Azrael ignored him. "You almost succeeded. Just a few *fucking* seconds sooner and I wouldn't be in Hell anymore." The demon's face was twisted in barely-tamed fury. "My perfect plan, everything was working, I even stalled the Scion long enough for you two idiots to unmake the world. But no, you-"
Loki flung himself at the demon's legs, trying to knock him off balance. Azrael kicked in the chest, sending him sprawling.
"Watch the suit," he waved the gun menacingly in Loki's direction. "At least you did one thing right," he said to Bartleby. "You killed this dumb fuck."
Rage sparked in Bartleby's eyes as he *shoved* Azrael onto the floor. He grabbed the gun and aimed it at the demon.
"No B, don't!" Loki cried. "You can't kill!" The gun shook in his hand. He looked at it, then at Azrael, who was back on his feet, grinning evilly. He shook his head and threw the gun in the sink.
A bright flash of light dazzled their eyes and suddenly, there was The Voice of God standing in their midst. There was a moment of confused silence.
"No fiery entrance?" Loki finally asked.
"Well, *you* all know who I am, besides, I got tired of my clothes always getting wet." The Metatron cleared his throat. "Fortunately, She wasn't on a constitutional this time and noticed this situation immediately," he said dryly.
Azrael seemed suddenly to lose his cool demeanor. "She..." he breathed wondrously, and then he vanished.
"God wants to have a word with him." The angel said, looking askance at the two. Bartleby was rubbing his head, Loki still on his ass. "So, how's humanity suiting you?" he asked politely.
Loki swallowed. "Good." he ventured.
Bartleby found his voice. "I like soup."
The Metatron raised his eyebrows, then cocked his head, listening. "I've got to go. Oh, and She says you're welcome for creating sex." and then he was gone.
"She waited." Bartleby said abruptly, once the angel was gone. "She "noticed the situation immediately" and She waited to see what I would do." Loki avoided his gaze. "If you hadn't-" he started, then shook his head again. He walked over to Loki and helped him up. Loki still wasn't looking at him. He hung his head, and suddenly Loki's arms were around him.
"It's okay."
~~*~~
He was home. *Home*. And what had been missing, aching, hurting in his heart for *so* *long* was suddenly relieved. Bliss. Heaven. Home.
The Presence was suddenly before him and he sank reverently to his knees.
*Azrael,* He didn't move, just breathed in The Holy Presence. *Why, Azrael?*
"I just wanted to get out of Hell! Is there something wrong with that?" He asked. He felt The Presence move away. "No...wait. You gotta listen to me. Hell is..." he shook his head. "Do you know what it's like? Of course you don't." he muttered. "You gave the two incompetent angels another chance, how can you not give me one?!" he demanded.
The Presence pondered. *You could live as a mortal in Wisconsin...* She offered.
"Yeah! Like Bartleby and Loki!" As white light obscured his vision, he heard a faint,
*Sort of...*
~~*~~
When his vision cleared, the former demon found himself in Loki and Bartleby's apartment. Beside him stood the Metatron, who seemed to be trying to keep from laughing.
"I'll just go find them, shall I?" he said, moving in the direction of Bartleby's bedroom (from which loud sounds were emitting).
Azrael shrugged, trying to get used to his mortal body. He looked at his hands... they were different somehow. Smaller. Prettier.
"No, no, Christ, no." he moaned as he rushed into the bathroom. He flicked on the light, and found, to his horror, that *he*... was now a *she*. Long, strawberry blonde hair and a freckled complexion stared back at him through blue eyes. "I'm... I'm a chick!" she gasped, hands flying to her feminine face. She looked down her shirt. "Even worse, I'm a *flat* chick!" she complained, walking out of the bathroom.
The Metatron sat on the couch in the living room, a disheveled and only partially clothed Loki and Bartleby beside him.
"This is what She meant by "sort of"." The Metatron told her with a smirk. "Sorry to be visiting you again so soon, but-"
"It's been two months since you were here," corrected a puzzled Bartleby. The Metatron looked nonplussed.
"Oh that's right, I keep forgetting ethereal time is different."
Azrael cleared her throat, one hand on her hip. "You wanna explain what's going on?" she tried not to shout.
The Metatron coughed suspiciously. "Oh right, yes, boys, meet *new* Azrael."
"Az?" Loki laughed. "Holy shit, you're a chick!"
"Oh really? I hadn't noticed." Azrael said sarcastically.
"He-*she* will be living with you for four years, until she is eighteen."
"What?!" All three humans exclaimed.
"I'm terribly sorry, but it's Her will." The Metatron didn't look sorry. He looked highly amused. "It's not as if you *use* the other bedroom, anyway."
True," Bartleby conceded.
"Haven't I suffered enough?" the now fourteen-year-old Azrael moaned.
"Crap." Loki muttered darkly. "This guy-girl-thing- is ruining my sex life."
"It's only for four years. How bad can it be?"
may be continued
...if I have time and once I finish up some other things. This was basically just me having fun. Liked? Review?
"But I do believe in this... tap dancing!" -Matt Damon ad-lib
~RainShadow
ps. in case you don't know, my Dogma fics fall into this order: "Mortal Advantages", "Beloved", "In the Darkness", and now this one, "Quirky". Just in case you wanted to, you know, read the other ones? ^_~