The Dream

Chapter 9: Thoughts and Tears

Sydney walked into her apartment, threw down her coat and her bags and collapsed onto the couch with a sigh. She began to wonder where Francie was, but then remembered that her friend had told her that she was going to a wedding for one of her cousins and wouldn't be home until late that night.

Sydney looked at the clock. It was only five. She and Dixon had been able to catch an earlier flight home and the CIA wouldn't call her for a few more hours. For some reason, she didn't feel like being alone, and considered calling Will, but decided against it. He wasn't the man she really wanted to be with right now, and he was probably busy with his cheerleader anyway.

After a few minutes, Sydney decided to take a walk through the park. That way she could take advantage of the crisp California air, a pleasant switch after the oppressive heat of the crowded market in Cairo, and could be around other people, but she still be by herself to think.

She moved her luggage so she wouldn't trip over it when she came back and picked up her coat and purse. With one last look at the clock, she walked out the door, deciding she would be back by 6:30 because that's usually the time people eat dinner and a certain someone might want to order a pizza.

Sydney sat on a bench in the park, dreaming of what her next meeting would be like with Vaughn. Just thinking about it made her breathing quicken and her heart flutter. She wished she could run into his arms and never have to leave again. Suddenly, she felt something tapping her leg and looked down to find a pair of gorgeous, green eyes…

"Michael!" A frazzled looking young woman called out, totally jolting Sydney out of her fantasy, her head snapping to attention at the mention of her handler's name. "There you are!"

Sydney looked back down to find that the owner of the green eyes was wearing red corduroy overalls and was giving her a nearly toothless grin. "You must be Michael," she said, returning the child's sweet smile.

"I'm so sorry!" the young woman had approached her and took the little boy's hand. "I can't take my eyes off of him for ten seconds!"

"It's no problem," Sydney answered, offering her a quick smile before returning her gaze to the boy. "He has beautiful eyes."

"Just like his father," the woman responded as she led the boy away. "Come on Michael, let's go play in the sandbox."

The child toddled after his mother, turning back once to look at Sydney. She gave him a small wave and a smile. It was only after they had walked away that Sydney realized that she had taken a seat on a bench at the playground. For the first time she noticed the shouts and laughter of the playing children.

"You can't catch me!"

"I'm superman!"

"First one there gets the purple lollipop!"

"Mommy, watch this!"

Normally, she wouldn't have minded watching and listening to children playing, but for some reason, it bothered her. A young couple holding hands under a tree watching their daughter play nearby, a mother catching her son at the bottom of the slide, a father pushing two little girls on the swings…The high voice of one of the little girls reached her ears, "You're the best daddy in the whole world!"

Sydney swallowed and hurried away, remembering what had led her to tell the truth to Danny, his voice repeating over and over in her head, "It's impossible, isn't it? One day there's going to be a baby in there." But there wouldn't be. Not if she had to keep lying about her life. Not with SD-6 around. She would never get to watch her children play in the park, never get to see their smiles or hear their sweet voices, never get to say that they had their father's eyes…

She didn't know where she was going; all she knew was that it was somewhere away from the playground. Finally, she found herself at a fountain, and stopped walking. This was a quiet, seldom visited section of the park that was far from both the main path and the playground, and she was alone.

Sydney closed her eyes and let the soft sounds of the fountain fill her ears. What the hell was wrong with her? She could take the beating of some dirty creep halfway across the world, but she couldn't stand to watch children playing in a park? She took a deep breath, forcing herself to relax, when she suddenly felt a hand tugging gently at her elbow.

"Excuse me, miss?"

When she turned, she was almost face to face with a tall, handsome man, whose auburn hair shined in the rays of the setting sun as his brown eyes smiled at her from behind his glasses.

"Hi," Sydney offered, forcing herself to return his smile.

He held out a camera. "Would you mind taking our picture?" he asked, as Sydney noticed the pretty, dark-haired woman clinging to his arm.

"Sure," Sydney answered, taking the camera from his hand. She stepped back and the couple posed for the picture. The man put his arm around the woman, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Thanks a lot," the man said after Sydney had taken the picture. "This is our first time to LA."

"We're on our honeymoon," the woman added.

When she heard those words, Sydney tripped, and couldn't catch her balance. She did manage, however, to land on one knee and not fall flat on her face or break the man's camera.

"Are you all right?" The man asked, as he and his wife ran up to her. He offered Sydney his hand, and she absently took it and stood up, her eyes staring off somewhere in the distance.

She had never gotten a honeymoon with Danny and she would probably never get one with Vaughn.

"Miss?"

Sydney jumped slightly; the man still had a hand on her arm to steady her and she shrugged it off. "What? Oh…yes, I'm fine…Thank you." She quickly brushed herself off with one hand and handed him the camera with the other.

"Are you sure you're…"

"Yes," Sydney interrupted him. "I'm sorry, I have to go." With that she turned and walked away.

It was eight thirty when Sydney finally returned home. Her cell phone had rung about five times before she had finally turned it off and her telephone was ringing when she opened the door to her house.

During her long walk through the park and down the dark city streets she had been thinking about her life, her past and her future. The phone continued to ring mercilessly, but Sydney didn't have the energy to take it off the hook. She wanted to be alone, completely and utterly alone. She walked into the bathroom, closing the door to muffle the sound of the phone, sank down next to the bathtub and held her head in her hands.

She had finally figured it out, why she had turned away from Vaughn. She had almost discovered the reason in Cairo, when she thought she had seen him. If it had really been him, she wouldn't have been able to acknowledge it. She would have had to turn away from him, pretending she didn't want to jump into his arms, didn't want to gaze into his eyes, didn't know he existed. That thought had almost dawned on her while in Egypt, but Dixon's voice had kept her focused on her mission.

When she was in the park, she had finally been able to think freely and clearly. The young man and woman by the fountain, she could never have a life like theirs. She knew that she could never marry a man without telling him the truth about herself, and she also knew that she couldn't tell him the truth. The truth may hurt her, but it could kill those she was closest to.

Vaughn. He was the only one who knew the truth about her. He always knew where she really was and the real reason her arm was broken or her face was bruised. But even he was a lie. Vaughn, the man who knew of her secret life and held the key to her heart, knew the names of her friends, but didn't know who they were, knew her address, but didn't know where she lived. She couldn't invite him over for dinner, curl up with him on the couch, or talk to him on the phone. She couldn't even look him in the eye when they were in public, for God's sake. She always had to turn away.

She loved him. She loved him so much that it hurt. She had only really kissed him once, but already it was tearing her apart to not being able to take him home with her, to take him to her bed. Worst of all, she had no one to talk to. Francie and Will didn't, couldn't know who Vaughn was. Her father knew but she didn't think he would be pleased to know the thoughts she was having about her handler.

Vaughn was usually the only one she could talk to, but she sure as hell couldn't talk to him about this. She was feeling so conflicted, that she didn't think she could talk to him at all anymore. She didn't think she would be able to deal with not being able to lay down next to him at night, sleep with his arm around her, and kiss him first thing in the morning.

She knew that he was trying to call her, was probably worried sick because she hadn't contacted him when she got back from Cairo. The phone had been ringing every few minutes since she had gotten home until about ten minutes ago. But she knew she wouldn't be able to hear the sound of his voice. It would be so far away.

Sydney angrily fought back tears, but one stubbornly escaped and fell into her lap. With the release of the first, others quickly followed, cascading down the tip of her nose, one after another. Sydney didn't even bother to stop the river of tears and dry her eyes; she let them flow, freely and silently.

Suddenly, she heard a sound, the opening and closing of a door. She couldn't let Francie see her like this. If she did, she'd have to spin another tale about her problems at the bank, enlarging her strangling, suffocating, black web of lies. Sydney quickly turned on the water and sank back down on the floor. If Francie thought she was taking a shower, it would give her some time to pull herself together and paste a smile on her face before having to walk out and face her friend.

Her tears had stopped flowing so quickly and Sydney made a weak attempt to dry her eyes. Then her well-trained ears picked up another sound: voices and then laughter, that almost annoying forced sitcom laughter. Francie must have turned on the TV, and she must have turned up the volume, because if Sydney could hear it over the running water of the shower and the blood pounding in her ears, it was loud.

Tears were no longer running freely down her cheeks, but they were still threatening to overflow and escape from her eyes. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. Francie would know something was wrong if she stayed in the shower for too long.

All of a sudden, there was a soft knock on the bathroom door. "Dammit," Sydney thought as her frustrated tears quickly escaped again. She had to say something, but she couldn't find her voice.

The knock was repeated, just as gently as before. Sydney struggled to say something, anything, but when she opened her mouth, all that escaped was a sob, which she quickly tried to muffle with her hand.

The door handle turned and Sydney fought to think up a story to tell Francie, but she couldn't. Slowly, the door opened. Sydney tried to dry her eyes and looked up, expecting to see her friend's surprised eyes staring at her. But Francie's eyes weren't the one's she found gazing back at her.