The Dream

Chapter 11: Heartache

He stepped inside, slowly closing the door behind him. Concern clouded his face when he saw the tears in her eyes, but he remained standing by the door, unsure of what to do. Should he run to her and gather her into his arms and tell her that everything would be all right? Should he kiss her deeply and passionately, or should he run away?

Sydney was torn between two emotions. Part of her felt like rejoicing at the fact that Vaughn was actually in her house, but she also wanted to cry because it seemed like a cruel joke. True, he was standing in her bathroom, but they needed the noises of the TV and the shower to hide the fact that he was there, and he would have to leave soon; too soon, and would probably never be able to come back.

She still couldn't find her voice, but finally managed a whisper, "Vaughn?"

Vaughn didn't know what to say. It had taken him a few minutes to find the courage to even knock on her bathroom door while the shower was running, but when he had heard her muffled sob, he hadn't stopped to think; he just walked in.

Once inside, however, he didn't know what to do. "I…I could leave if…if you don't want me here." He turned around and put his hand on the doorknob.

"No!" Sydney whispered harshly, her voice breaking as she fought back the tears that were choking her. "Please…"

He turned to face her. The sadness and longing in her eyes speaking louder than any words she could have uttered.

She held out her hand and Vaughn took it and sat down next to her. "Are you all right?" he asked tenderly.

Sydney shook her head. She tightened her grip on his hand and it was only then that he noticed she was shaking. Vaughn turned to her; her head was cast downward and her hair hid her face from view, but he noticed a single tear fall into her lap.

Seeing her like this made him want to cry. He was a typical guy, and it took a lot to make him cry, but he would have at that moment if he hadn't known that he needed to remain strong for her, to comfort her. He brushed her hair away from her face and turned her head towards him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she made an effort to wipe them away, but he put a hand up to stop her.

He brought her face to his chest and put his arms around her, gently rocking her as she finally broke down and let the tears overcome her.

A little later, when Sydney's sobs subsided, Vaughn softly kissed the top of her head. He kept his arm around her, but pulled back, and she placed her head on his shoulder.

She brought her hand to his shirt, gently fingering the material. "I'm sorry I got your shirt wet," she murmured.

"I don't care about a damn shirt," he responded as he took her hand. "I only care about you…What's wrong?"

Sydney started to pull away from him, but he only held her tighter, afraid that if he let her go, he'd lose her forever. "Don't," he pleaded, looking down into her eyes. He paused before continuing, carefully selecting his words so he wouldn't upset her again. "Did you complete your mission?"

"Yes," she answered, still whispering.

"So, you think you found the guy?"

"I know I did."

"That's good. I know it may not seem like a lot, but that brings us one step closer to shutting down SD-6."

"He was a bastard."

"What?"

"The guy. He was a bastard, that's how I knew he was the one." Vaughn didn't know what to say, but after a minute she continued. "He touched me. It was only my arm, but he was greasy and filthy and…" She shuddered with the memory.

"I'm sorry," Vaughn murmured.

"No," she responded, moving away from him before he could pull her back and turning to face him. She continued, her voice finally rising above a whisper. "I walked away, but that pervert sent someone after me. He…"

"Are you okay?" Vaughn interrupted.

"No, I mean yes! Of course I'm okay! I'm fine, I'm great, I'm always okay! Every time someone asks…"

With every word, Sydney was getting more and more worked up; he had obviously picked the wrong subject to talk about. Vaughn didn't know what else to do, so he did the first thing that came to mind. He leaned forward and captured her lips with his.

The kiss was gentle, and lasted for only a moment. Vaughn rejoiced at the fact that she didn't pull away and even allowed him to pull her into his lap afterwards.

He wished that he could take her somewhere else, that he could bring her somewhere more comfortable than the hard, cold tile of the bathroom floor, but he knew that this was the best he could do.

The house was silent except for the running water of the shower and the droning of the TV in the other room. He felt her breathing become steady, as she played with his fingers, intertwining them with her own.

"Sydney," Vaughn finally whispered. "What's wrong?"

"I'm tired," she murmured, letting go of his hand. "I'm tired of lying." She sighed and continued. "They're not just the little white lies. Most people have a hard enough time with those. But, God, I can show the people at the airport a passport with someone else's name on it, and tell my friends that I'm going to San Diego on a business trip for the bank without a second thought. I can pretend I don't want to rip Sloane's heart out of his chest and let Dixon think he's working for the good guys."

She stopped speaking and moved out of his arms. He reluctantly let her go, and she turned to face him. "But that's not the worst of it. I could live with all those lies if it weren't for…" she paused and looked down. "If it weren't for us…If we weren't a lie."

Vaughn felt his muscles become tense. The mere inches that separated them seemed to have widened to a mile. He wanted to close the distance between them before it widened even further and almost threw himself on her with a bruising, breathtaking kiss to let loose his passion. He longed to let her know that his feelings for her were true, that his love for her was not a lie.

But Sydney began speaking again, and he let her continue, knowing that she needed to talk to someone and he was the only one she could talk to. "We can't be together like normal people can, Vaughn. It's against CIA protocol and it could even get us killed. I…" Tears started to form in her eyes again and she was struggling to keep her voice under control. "I can't stand not being able to call you, or invite you over…We'll never get to call in sick together, and I can't put your picture on my desk at work…I finally figured out why I turned away from you in Spain. Unless we're in the warehouse, that's always what I'll have to do. I'll never be able to face you until SD-6 is brought down and that's too long to wait."

She stopped talking and gazed deeply into his eyes. A torrent of emotions flashed through her own: anger, sadness, longing. She looked down again and he understood how she felt. Why did life have to be so indifferent, so cruel?

"Sydney," he took a deep breath, preparing himself for what he had to say next. "I want you to know that I love you more than anything else in the world and I would do anything for you. If you want me to…to leave, to ask the Agency to assign you a new handler, I will."

Vaughn waited, praying that she'd say no, that she'd never want him to leave her.

The seconds crawled by; the air became suffocating and the laughter from the TV seemed to mock him. Sydney looked up at him, but Vaughn could no longer read the emotions in her eyes.