Chapter 2: Flashes
"I do not require any more assistance," he said firmly.
"If I may just point out," Carma said, equally firmly, "the last time you said that, you fell down the stairs and set your therapy back two weekens. It's a blessing you were only halfway up."
He glared at her in annoyance. She hid a smile. "Look," she said, "I know you don't like to be fussed over, but a little care and patience is necessary for full recovery. You spent two monens in a coma and suffered complete temporary paralysis. That is not the sort of thing you shake off in a couple of weekens. You need to take things slowly and let people help you."
He sighed. "How much longer do you believe it will be?"
"As long as it takes! And it will take longer if you keep fighting me," Carma said.
She took his arm and pulled it across her shoulders, supporting him as they moved over to the medibed.
"There we go," she said as they reached it. "Now take off your trousers and get comfortable."
It didn't seem to matter how many times she gave that particular order, it never ceased to disturb him. The first time it had taken him several microts to work out that she was only going to massage his legs. It was just physiotherapy. And a good reason not to get better too quickly.
***
He sat at the window of Carma's house, looking out into the garden, thinking.
"Carma tells me that your therapy is coming along well."
The gruff voice, which he now knew belonged to Selon, spoke behind him. He turned from the window.
"I have regained most of my mobility," he said.
"And your memory?"
"I still remember nothing," he said quietly.
Selon patted him on the shoulder.
"If anyone can help you recover your memory, Carma is the one."
"Yes," he said softly, as Selon walked away. "I am certain that she is...the one."
He returned to looking out of the window.
"Sons, the recruiter is here to pick you up."
He spun round at the unfamiliar voice. A man stood there, a tall man with long hair and a beard like his own.
"Bialar!" the man said sharply.
Then the man vanished into the air. He stared at the spot, trying to understand what he had just seen. Had it been one of his memories?
He heard a noise and turned towards the door as Carma came in.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," she said.
He met her gaze. "I may well have done," he said.
She sat down on the sofa and motioned for him to join her. "What did you see?" she asked, concerned.
"I saw...a man, and he spoke. He mentioned...a recruiter and...I believe he called me...Bialar."
"Do you think that could be your name?" Carma asked.
"Perhaps. I...am not certain. It was more a vision than a memory."
"You mentioned a recruiter...could it have been a Peacekeeper one?"
"It is possible."
"The man you saw, was he in Peacekeeper uniform?"
"No, he appeared like a civilian."
"Then, if you were a Peacekeeper, he might have been someone you knew from before you were conscripted...if you were conscripted."
"It is very confusing," he said. "But he mentioned something else. He said...*sons* the recruiter is here to pick you up. That could suggest that he was...."
"Your father," Carma said. "And that you might have a brother."
"Officer Tauvo Crais, reporting for duty sir! Captain's bars suit you my brother."
His head snapped up. That had not been a vision. He had seen it as clearly as if it had been happening now.
"Asan...I mean...Bialar? Are you alright?"
He found a smile on his face. "That is my name," he said. "I am...Bialar Crais...and I do have a brother. I *was* a Peacekeeper...a Captain."
Carma rose and headed to the galley unit, looking at him over the work surface as she poured herself a drink. "Which would suggest that you still are. Except that you wouldn't expect a Peacekeeper Captain to be alone on a prototype leviathan gunship in the middle of the uncharted territories. And when said gunship has been almost destroyed by an unknown force, but left clinging to life and its Captain not taken.... Something is not right."
"I wish...that I could put your mind at rest," Crais said, getting up and moving to join her.
"And that something could very well be that you were sent to destroy us, or spy on us," Carma said, noticeably agitated. "I heard that the Peacekeepers were starting to venture into the uncharted territories, maybe you're part of the scout party. And maybe someone didn't want you to succeed so they tried to destroy your ship and didn't expect anyone to find you in time. Or maybe you faked everything and you're just pretending to need help to gather information."
Crais caught her shoulders and spun her to face him. "I have not been lying to you," he said. "I do not remember what circumstances led to my rescue, but everything I have told you since I awoke is true to the best of my knowledge. You have done more for me than I imagine anyone ever has before."
She gave a laughing-grin at that. He looked sheepish. "I realise that statement would mean more if I had the memories to support it." He still saw apprehension deep in her eyes. "I have no desire to hurt or betray you."
Blue eyes looked back at him. "I...believe you."
Then he was kissing her and she was kissing him...and then she wasn't.
"This is a very, very bad idea," she said.
"Undoubtedly," he said, and kissed her again.
She kissed him back at first, but still pulled away - further this time.
"I'm serious," she said. "You have amnesia. You could have a lover...you could have a *wife* for all we know. Plus you've suffered some serious mental trauma and you probably don't know what you're doing..."
"I know exactly what I'm doing," Crais interjected.
"...And I'm a carer As..Bialar. Falling in love with patients is against every regulation that exists. If anyone found out I'd lose my license, my position...my reputation. I'd be back to working as a med Tech again and...why are you looking at me like that?"
Crais continued looking at her. "Falling...in love...with patients?"
Carma looked very embarrassed. "Well I didn't quite mean...you know what I meant. Just carer and patient...or maybe friends...but no kissing...or anything. It's forbidden and it's unethical, you've suffered a good deal of trauma and I would be taking advantage of you."
Even without most of his memory, Crais had a strong suspicion that that was the first time any woman had ever said that to him.
"You are right," he said.
He half-thought that he glimpsed a flash of disappointment in her eyes.
"I'm definitely right," she said. He wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.
"I will endeavour to recover quickly," he said, no trace of humour in his words or face. Carma was left wondering whether he had meant that the way it had sounded to her. She had to put this out of her mind.
***
Crais moved through the gunship, hoping to spark another flash of memory. It had been over a weeken since he'd seen his father and brother standing before him and nothing more had surfaced. He still felt the sense of familiarity he'd had the first time Carma had taken him into the command, but he was sure that there must be many other memories, hidden just beyond his reach, that centred around this ship.
He had been walking along corridors for what felt like an arn when he found himself standing outside a door in the section reserved for living quarters. He didn't know how badly damaged this part of the ship had been. It was hard to say what made him more apprehensive, what he wouldn't find...or what he would.
The door controls were fused, like those all over the ship. He had to force the door himself, struggling to open it wide enough for him to enter. Once he was inside, he surveyed his surroundings.
These must surely be his quarters. At first glance they seemed almost empty, but he soon found that there were enough possessions neatly stowed to suggest that the inhabitant had been settled there. He found some clothing. He didn't know what had become of the Captain's uniform they had found him in, but the other clothing was devoid of all insignias. He saw no other indication of Peacekeeper allegiance in the room. Other than the destruction caused by whatever had happened to them, the room was neat and tidy. The longer he stayed, the stronger the sense of familiarity grew, but the memories were still too far away from him to reach.
After a while he left the quarters and returned to the command, but the feelings refused to develop into memories. He stayed until the Techs told him he had to leave and travelled home with a heavy heart. Carma had told him it would take time, but it was hard to be patient when your identity was at stake.
***
When Carma walked in the door later that day she didn't see him and couldn't find him. Worried, she went out to look for him.
"You were correct," Crais said from behind her.
"About what," she said, turning round to face him.
"That we should not get involved. That I might remember things that would come between us."
"Don't tell me. Somewhere out there you've got a wife and a tribe of kids."
His grim expression told her that that wasn't it.
"What then?" Carma asked.
He paused. "The memories have begun to come back today. I think I would have preferred to remain in ignorance. I have seen myself...ordering people to their deaths, being tortured...murdering my second in command. I have a sense that this was all several cycles ago and yet I cannot recall anything between then and the present time. My memory up to then is incomplete, but I believe your assessment may be correct. I...cannot be trusted."
"Because you have a history you'd rather forget?"
"Because I could well be what you suspected."
"What you were is unchangeable. What you *are* is your decision."
"And what if I serve only my own interests?"
Carma approached. "Then you should do good. Good creates and evil destroys."
Crais grunted. "Who taught you that?"
"My mother. And yes, I believe in her judgement. Why do you think I became a carer?"
"Where is she?" Crais asked, bluntly.
Carma regarded him. "Dead," she said. "She was a Tech, working at the rescue centre doing ship repairs with my Dad. There was an accident at work or something, it was quite a while ago now."
Crais nodded. "Mine is also...dead. That is why she did not appear in my earlier memories. It seems that she died shortly before my brother and myself were conscripted."
"What about your brother?" Carma asked suddenly. "You said that he was conscripted with you. Do you remember what happened to him?"
Crais shook his head. "I remember times during our training and early duty, and the day he reported for duty under me. I remember nothing after that. The last few cycles seem to still be...hidden to me."
"They'll come," Carma said softly, "in time."
Crais let his head move closer to hers. Their lips were almost touching when she pulled away.
"I said that the past doesn't matter Bialar," she said, "but the future does. I can't throw mine away on some...infatuation."
"Before, you called it love."
"Before I wasn't thinking. It's best for both of us that we just forget it."
Crais nodded again. "I will make every effort to keep my memory selective."
Her glare only made him want to smile.
***
Raylai Selon rounded the last corner and pulled his security clearance chip from his pocket. Pushing it into the slot with practised ease, he simultaneously placed his hand into the DNA scanner. It chimed his authorisation a microt later, the door slid open. He retrieved his chip and stepped inside.
"Ah Selon, how is our patient?"
"Are you referring to the gunship or my amnesiac houseguest?" Selon said, standing to attention in front of his boss' desk.
"A report on either would be welcome," Commandent Veldone replied, not batting an eyelid.
"The Captain has regained some of his memory, but nothing from the last few cycles. The gunship is repairable. It still requires a new starburst fin - a substitute is being created until it is able to regrow it - and its higher functions are still off-line. The rest of the systems are being restored as we speak."
The Commandant nodded, rising from her desk to join him.
"And the...other project?"
"Running right on schedule sir," Selon reported, "it will be ready long before we complete the repairs."
"Excellent," she replied. "I love it when you bring me good news."
"Sir...what about the other patient?" Selon asked.
"The blocker we gave him should block out the last few cycles completely. If he starts to remember anything, bring him to me."
"And Carma?"
"I doubt that we will be able to convince her to join us. She's far too much like her mother in that way. It may be necessary to...remove her from harm's way. Can I safely place that responsibility in your hands?"
Selon smiled. "Certainly," he said.
"I do not require any more assistance," he said firmly.
"If I may just point out," Carma said, equally firmly, "the last time you said that, you fell down the stairs and set your therapy back two weekens. It's a blessing you were only halfway up."
He glared at her in annoyance. She hid a smile. "Look," she said, "I know you don't like to be fussed over, but a little care and patience is necessary for full recovery. You spent two monens in a coma and suffered complete temporary paralysis. That is not the sort of thing you shake off in a couple of weekens. You need to take things slowly and let people help you."
He sighed. "How much longer do you believe it will be?"
"As long as it takes! And it will take longer if you keep fighting me," Carma said.
She took his arm and pulled it across her shoulders, supporting him as they moved over to the medibed.
"There we go," she said as they reached it. "Now take off your trousers and get comfortable."
It didn't seem to matter how many times she gave that particular order, it never ceased to disturb him. The first time it had taken him several microts to work out that she was only going to massage his legs. It was just physiotherapy. And a good reason not to get better too quickly.
***
He sat at the window of Carma's house, looking out into the garden, thinking.
"Carma tells me that your therapy is coming along well."
The gruff voice, which he now knew belonged to Selon, spoke behind him. He turned from the window.
"I have regained most of my mobility," he said.
"And your memory?"
"I still remember nothing," he said quietly.
Selon patted him on the shoulder.
"If anyone can help you recover your memory, Carma is the one."
"Yes," he said softly, as Selon walked away. "I am certain that she is...the one."
He returned to looking out of the window.
"Sons, the recruiter is here to pick you up."
He spun round at the unfamiliar voice. A man stood there, a tall man with long hair and a beard like his own.
"Bialar!" the man said sharply.
Then the man vanished into the air. He stared at the spot, trying to understand what he had just seen. Had it been one of his memories?
He heard a noise and turned towards the door as Carma came in.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," she said.
He met her gaze. "I may well have done," he said.
She sat down on the sofa and motioned for him to join her. "What did you see?" she asked, concerned.
"I saw...a man, and he spoke. He mentioned...a recruiter and...I believe he called me...Bialar."
"Do you think that could be your name?" Carma asked.
"Perhaps. I...am not certain. It was more a vision than a memory."
"You mentioned a recruiter...could it have been a Peacekeeper one?"
"It is possible."
"The man you saw, was he in Peacekeeper uniform?"
"No, he appeared like a civilian."
"Then, if you were a Peacekeeper, he might have been someone you knew from before you were conscripted...if you were conscripted."
"It is very confusing," he said. "But he mentioned something else. He said...*sons* the recruiter is here to pick you up. That could suggest that he was...."
"Your father," Carma said. "And that you might have a brother."
"Officer Tauvo Crais, reporting for duty sir! Captain's bars suit you my brother."
His head snapped up. That had not been a vision. He had seen it as clearly as if it had been happening now.
"Asan...I mean...Bialar? Are you alright?"
He found a smile on his face. "That is my name," he said. "I am...Bialar Crais...and I do have a brother. I *was* a Peacekeeper...a Captain."
Carma rose and headed to the galley unit, looking at him over the work surface as she poured herself a drink. "Which would suggest that you still are. Except that you wouldn't expect a Peacekeeper Captain to be alone on a prototype leviathan gunship in the middle of the uncharted territories. And when said gunship has been almost destroyed by an unknown force, but left clinging to life and its Captain not taken.... Something is not right."
"I wish...that I could put your mind at rest," Crais said, getting up and moving to join her.
"And that something could very well be that you were sent to destroy us, or spy on us," Carma said, noticeably agitated. "I heard that the Peacekeepers were starting to venture into the uncharted territories, maybe you're part of the scout party. And maybe someone didn't want you to succeed so they tried to destroy your ship and didn't expect anyone to find you in time. Or maybe you faked everything and you're just pretending to need help to gather information."
Crais caught her shoulders and spun her to face him. "I have not been lying to you," he said. "I do not remember what circumstances led to my rescue, but everything I have told you since I awoke is true to the best of my knowledge. You have done more for me than I imagine anyone ever has before."
She gave a laughing-grin at that. He looked sheepish. "I realise that statement would mean more if I had the memories to support it." He still saw apprehension deep in her eyes. "I have no desire to hurt or betray you."
Blue eyes looked back at him. "I...believe you."
Then he was kissing her and she was kissing him...and then she wasn't.
"This is a very, very bad idea," she said.
"Undoubtedly," he said, and kissed her again.
She kissed him back at first, but still pulled away - further this time.
"I'm serious," she said. "You have amnesia. You could have a lover...you could have a *wife* for all we know. Plus you've suffered some serious mental trauma and you probably don't know what you're doing..."
"I know exactly what I'm doing," Crais interjected.
"...And I'm a carer As..Bialar. Falling in love with patients is against every regulation that exists. If anyone found out I'd lose my license, my position...my reputation. I'd be back to working as a med Tech again and...why are you looking at me like that?"
Crais continued looking at her. "Falling...in love...with patients?"
Carma looked very embarrassed. "Well I didn't quite mean...you know what I meant. Just carer and patient...or maybe friends...but no kissing...or anything. It's forbidden and it's unethical, you've suffered a good deal of trauma and I would be taking advantage of you."
Even without most of his memory, Crais had a strong suspicion that that was the first time any woman had ever said that to him.
"You are right," he said.
He half-thought that he glimpsed a flash of disappointment in her eyes.
"I'm definitely right," she said. He wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.
"I will endeavour to recover quickly," he said, no trace of humour in his words or face. Carma was left wondering whether he had meant that the way it had sounded to her. She had to put this out of her mind.
***
Crais moved through the gunship, hoping to spark another flash of memory. It had been over a weeken since he'd seen his father and brother standing before him and nothing more had surfaced. He still felt the sense of familiarity he'd had the first time Carma had taken him into the command, but he was sure that there must be many other memories, hidden just beyond his reach, that centred around this ship.
He had been walking along corridors for what felt like an arn when he found himself standing outside a door in the section reserved for living quarters. He didn't know how badly damaged this part of the ship had been. It was hard to say what made him more apprehensive, what he wouldn't find...or what he would.
The door controls were fused, like those all over the ship. He had to force the door himself, struggling to open it wide enough for him to enter. Once he was inside, he surveyed his surroundings.
These must surely be his quarters. At first glance they seemed almost empty, but he soon found that there were enough possessions neatly stowed to suggest that the inhabitant had been settled there. He found some clothing. He didn't know what had become of the Captain's uniform they had found him in, but the other clothing was devoid of all insignias. He saw no other indication of Peacekeeper allegiance in the room. Other than the destruction caused by whatever had happened to them, the room was neat and tidy. The longer he stayed, the stronger the sense of familiarity grew, but the memories were still too far away from him to reach.
After a while he left the quarters and returned to the command, but the feelings refused to develop into memories. He stayed until the Techs told him he had to leave and travelled home with a heavy heart. Carma had told him it would take time, but it was hard to be patient when your identity was at stake.
***
When Carma walked in the door later that day she didn't see him and couldn't find him. Worried, she went out to look for him.
"You were correct," Crais said from behind her.
"About what," she said, turning round to face him.
"That we should not get involved. That I might remember things that would come between us."
"Don't tell me. Somewhere out there you've got a wife and a tribe of kids."
His grim expression told her that that wasn't it.
"What then?" Carma asked.
He paused. "The memories have begun to come back today. I think I would have preferred to remain in ignorance. I have seen myself...ordering people to their deaths, being tortured...murdering my second in command. I have a sense that this was all several cycles ago and yet I cannot recall anything between then and the present time. My memory up to then is incomplete, but I believe your assessment may be correct. I...cannot be trusted."
"Because you have a history you'd rather forget?"
"Because I could well be what you suspected."
"What you were is unchangeable. What you *are* is your decision."
"And what if I serve only my own interests?"
Carma approached. "Then you should do good. Good creates and evil destroys."
Crais grunted. "Who taught you that?"
"My mother. And yes, I believe in her judgement. Why do you think I became a carer?"
"Where is she?" Crais asked, bluntly.
Carma regarded him. "Dead," she said. "She was a Tech, working at the rescue centre doing ship repairs with my Dad. There was an accident at work or something, it was quite a while ago now."
Crais nodded. "Mine is also...dead. That is why she did not appear in my earlier memories. It seems that she died shortly before my brother and myself were conscripted."
"What about your brother?" Carma asked suddenly. "You said that he was conscripted with you. Do you remember what happened to him?"
Crais shook his head. "I remember times during our training and early duty, and the day he reported for duty under me. I remember nothing after that. The last few cycles seem to still be...hidden to me."
"They'll come," Carma said softly, "in time."
Crais let his head move closer to hers. Their lips were almost touching when she pulled away.
"I said that the past doesn't matter Bialar," she said, "but the future does. I can't throw mine away on some...infatuation."
"Before, you called it love."
"Before I wasn't thinking. It's best for both of us that we just forget it."
Crais nodded again. "I will make every effort to keep my memory selective."
Her glare only made him want to smile.
***
Raylai Selon rounded the last corner and pulled his security clearance chip from his pocket. Pushing it into the slot with practised ease, he simultaneously placed his hand into the DNA scanner. It chimed his authorisation a microt later, the door slid open. He retrieved his chip and stepped inside.
"Ah Selon, how is our patient?"
"Are you referring to the gunship or my amnesiac houseguest?" Selon said, standing to attention in front of his boss' desk.
"A report on either would be welcome," Commandent Veldone replied, not batting an eyelid.
"The Captain has regained some of his memory, but nothing from the last few cycles. The gunship is repairable. It still requires a new starburst fin - a substitute is being created until it is able to regrow it - and its higher functions are still off-line. The rest of the systems are being restored as we speak."
The Commandant nodded, rising from her desk to join him.
"And the...other project?"
"Running right on schedule sir," Selon reported, "it will be ready long before we complete the repairs."
"Excellent," she replied. "I love it when you bring me good news."
"Sir...what about the other patient?" Selon asked.
"The blocker we gave him should block out the last few cycles completely. If he starts to remember anything, bring him to me."
"And Carma?"
"I doubt that we will be able to convince her to join us. She's far too much like her mother in that way. It may be necessary to...remove her from harm's way. Can I safely place that responsibility in your hands?"
Selon smiled. "Certainly," he said.