Only after they had crawled through the barrel into the Hufflepuff common room, gotten set up, and returned back downstairs for some leisure time before bed, did Hermione corner her brother about all that happened.
"Dave," she hissed. "Get over here. We have to talk."
"Aw, man," said Dave. "I thought I was like, done with talking for today. Like I had hit my talking quota or something with Rose and I was free."
"Rose is precisely what we need to talk about, Dave," said Hermione. "You're related to her?"
"I think I mentioned the fruit salad a while back, yeah," said Dave.
"How did you find this out?"
"So," said Dave. "Before Rose and I were reborn, it was around the time when John had informed us that the four of us were all altered Paradox Clones of our guardians. Rose and I were cloned based on her Mom and my Bro, respectively, which makes us genetic siblings. It was all kinda weird, and then John went on a tangent about bunnies and Nic Cage which I only caught half of, but-"
"Dave, stop," said Hermione.
He did.
"Just... Dave, I love you. You don't need to tell me made-up nonsense; I thought we were closer than that. Please, Dave. Just tell me the truth."
"I..."
"Dave, please, I can see on your face that you're struggling. Tell me what's going on so we can work through it together."
"Okay," sighed Dave. "So, let's just. Pretend for a moment, this is true, but pretend I had a past life. In this past life, whatever, I know you don't believe me, but my dad was... fuck, this is complicated."
"It's okay," said Hermione.
"Yeah, I know, but there are a lot of really fucking weird details, like how I thought he was my older brother for most of my life before I found out he was actually my dad genetically."
"Okay," said Hermione.
"It took me an entire second childhood to realize something," said Dave. "Something really fucking important."
"What did you realize?" asked Hermione.
"My older brother-dad-whateverthefuck, was, and it took me a really long time to realize this, and I was mostly able to because being your brother showed me what a normal family looks like, a massive fucking abusive asshole."
It took Hermione a second more than it did before for her to respond with "Okay."
"Like. Fucking. I don't even know how to describe it."
"You don't need to describe it," said Hermione.
"Okay," said Dave, relieved.
"Okay," said Hermione. "But why are you worried about your... past life father?"
"Because in this life, time travel, don't ask, I'm not born yet, and he's still a teenager right now," said Dave.
"I think I see where you're going with this," said Hermione.
"So yeah," said Dave. "That's why I'm avoiding Dirk Strider."
"Oh," said Hermione. "I didn't actually know where you were going with this."
"Wait, where did you think I was going with this?"
"Well, I didn't expect it to be the Gryffindor Prefect, of all people."
"Hermione, did you get a good look at him?" asked Dave.
"No," she said. "But I know his name from the administrative booklet that I requested before term started."
"Well, see, there's your problem," said Dave. "He looks like me, but pointier."
"Huh," said Hermione.
"Like, his shades are pointer, his hair is spikier, it. Ugh. I really fucking don't like thinking about how much of the on-brand Dave look comes from him."
"Okay," said Hermione. "What does this have to do with Rose, though?"
"Oh, she's his daughter too. I thought I said that."
"Okay," said Hermione. "Dave, I need to say that I definitely believe you on this."
"What happened to not having made-up nonsense between each other?" snarked Dave.
"Fine," snapped Hermione. "This is a lot to process and if I need to be honest I'm really having trouble with it! You never told me that - none of the books I read said anything about reincarnation!"
"I mean, it's not exactly reincarnation," said Dave. "Not like I got reborn as a beetle or some shit. I got reborn as me. And aside from the whole magic school and getting reborn years earlier and the whole being adopted into the best fucking family I could have ever asked for things, it all is pretty much identical to my first go-around. Down to being friends with Rose."
"You didn't grow up together?" asked Hermione.
"Nah, we met over the internet."
Now Hermione was really interested. "Internet? What's that?"
"Oh my god," said Dave. "You're going to fucking love it."
Dave: Be Dirk.
No.
Dirk: Be Roxy.
Roxy Lalonde, self-described Grade-A badass bitch and Guardian, right as Dave attempted to explain the joys and wonders of the internet in the mid-to-late 2000's, was doing a very shitty job of packing everything she needed for a potentially months-long trip into a suitcase.
"Fuck," said Roxy.
It was around this time that Roxy Lalonde realized she didn't own very much outside of cat t-shirts. Pretty much everything else was actually gifted to her on behalf of Skaianet, a job that she genuinely did love working for (on behalf of the flexible hours, good pay and benefits, and, of course, weird-ass game shit being produced decades ahead of its time). However, it did get a little stressful at times, especially when old Jake made demands such as "watch the meteor that looks like its gonna wipe out half of texas in a few years" because after a while there's not much more to do than agree that yeah, that city in Texas with that awesome record store is probably going to get a shit-ton of meteors raining down on it fairly soon and there isn't all that much anyone can do about it.
If it wasn't for her newfound relationship with Rose, her genetic daughter only a few years younger than her, such realizations could have (and did, in the past) led her to take solace in a bottle.
As of right now, however, the only things Roxy used bottles for was to captchalogue things. Like her suitcase, filled mostly with identical cat t-shirts and some other assorted knicknacks, which she placed into her Message in a Bottle fetch modus.
"I think that's everything!" she said aloud to nobody.
Roxy grabbed her passport and used the transportalizer in her room to head to the lab. Inside, hunched in front of a Fenestrated Wall and doing something with a console that Roxy could barely follow, was old man Jake Harley.
"You're just in time," said Jake. "I've set you up with a jet that's going to be flown by an old partner of mine. Guaranteed to be free of Batterwitch interfetterence."
"Great," said Roxy. "Where's it at?"
"Should be arriving in... a couple seconds, give or take."
Just then, Roxy heard a nearly deafening booming sound. She glanced towards the door, which Jake nodded at. What a cool dude. It really was a shame that he planned to retire to his private island soon, but alas.
Roxy left the lab, instantly spotting the fuckhuge military-looking jet now parked right next to the lab's front door.
A stairwell slowly extended out from a door in the side of the jet. Roxy climbed aboard.
"Hello?" she asked, poking her head into the very spacious, and mostly empty cargo bay.
The intercom crackled to life. "Hoo hoo!" hoo'd a voice. "If you've just entered, turn to the left, and there should be a door!"
There was. Roxy entered it, revealing the jet's cockpit. Inside of the cockpit was a woman about Jake's age, wearing a modest dress and what looked to be a genuine pair of aviator goggles on what looked like a genuine aviator hat.
"And before you ask, dearie," said the woman, "these are genuine aviator goggles and a genuine aviator hat!"
Roxy grinned. "You're Jane Egbert, right? Jake's sister?"
"Hoo, that I am!" said the woman. Her expression softened. "You know, I'm very grateful for you, dear. It's been decades since I last saw dear old Jake. But ever since you told Jake about the adventures of your young friend Rose, he was finally able to find me, and we had a very touching reunion! All off-screen, of course, hoo hoo."
"I get that," said Roxy.
"Anyhoo, we're going to take off shortly, so you better buckle in," said Jane. "I may be eighty-one, but I've not been adventuring for a heck of a lot of those, and I want to get some in under my belt before I kick the bucket!"
Roxy buckled in. "You're eighty-one? That's pretty old to be a pilot. Respect."
"Don't worry, dear, this ship flies itself. I'm mostly just adult supervision, hoo hoo. Can't have a sixteen year old run around trying to sell technology to a secret society without an adult present, is what Colonel Sassacre always used to say!"
"Hell of a guy."
"His advice was always rather specific, in hindsight, but it does suit our needs," ruminated Jane, as she pressed the FLY SHIP button.
Roxy: Be Ron.
"There you are!" said Ron, as Rose ran and caught up with the group. Merlin, he was worried Rose would never show back up again, and Ron would be stuck with Malfoy as the only kid he age who he'd actually had a single conversation with in Slytherin.
"Sorry, I got delayed," said Rose. "Family stuff, don't ask."
"I wasn't going to," said Ron.
"Potter," said Malfoy. "You just went and talked to Dirk Strider, I saw it. He was the only student besides you who didn't go straight for the dorms."
"Did I forget to say 'don't ask' out loud?" asked Rose.
"I wasn't asking, I was merely stating facts," sniffed Malfoy. Ugh. The reality that Ron was now trapped sharing a House with Malfoy for seven years was now beginning to hit him. Perhaps trapped in a House was the wrong turn of phrase to describe Ron's situation, but he couldn't think of anything better.
"Is everyone gathered?" asked the boy in the front of the group, wearing green robes, presumably the Slytherin prefect. "Wonderful. Now, we're about to enter the dungeons, it's a long set of steps, so try not to trip. At the bottom I'll be opening the entrance to the common room itself, and I will tell you the password once we are inside. Come along," and he turned and walked down the stairs.
The first-years followed him down. Once they reached the bottom, the Slytherin prefect pointed out that "on your right, you'll see a long hallway, that's where we want to be heading, but if you look directly behind me, you will notice the Potions classroom, taught by our Head of House, Potions Master and Professor Severus Snape."
"This guy clearly rehearsed his speech," Ron heard Rose whisper. "It sounds like I'm being sold on the school I already attend."
"Slytherin has a lot of House pride," whispered Malfoy back. "He's not selling you on the school, he's selling you on the House." Rose grunted in affirmation.
The students headed down the long hallway, when the Prefect at the front stopped walking, turning to face the crowd. "I want all of you to take a good look around," said the Slytherin. "To my right is the entrance to the common room. To enter it, simply speak the password." The Prefect walked over to the wall and whispered something into it. Bricks moved away, much like how Diagon Alley unfolded its opening, and Ron was able to see the Slytherin Common Room for the first time.
It was, simply put, beautiful. Ron had heard "the Slytherin Common Room is in the dungeon" and expected a barely-lit, cramped, dismal room, but instead, the common room had gorgeously high ceilings. It was two-storied, with a large, open front half, and a back half of the room covered by a second-story loft. Beautifully ornate green sofas were spread naturally through the room, with (what Ron was especially pleased to notice) more than a few preset chess games on tables in front of the chairs.
But what most took Ron's breath away was the window. The Slytherin Common Room featured an entire glass wall that Ron thought was just decorative before he caught a glimpse of-
"Giant squid," breathed Rose. "It's beautiful. One of my wands - it might not be that squid, but the core is made from the ink of one."
"My father never told me how beautiful it was," whispered Malfoy.
"Please don't ruin this," said Rose.
"I'm not-"
Ron shooshed Malfoy.
"Now that we're all here, welcome to the Slytherin Common Room. If you look behind me, you'll see our bulletin board. On that bulletin board anyone can post whatever they like, but there's one section that gets updated every week, and that's the password. Make sure to check it often, because twenty-four hours after the new password is posted, the old password will no longer work. I expect all of you to memorize this week's password on your own time.
"There are four staircases, two of which lead up to the beautiful study loft behind me. The other two lead to the boys' and girls' dormitories, which were assigned based on the gender you or your guardian reported upon registering for the term. If you have any complaints about sleeping arrangements, including which dormitory you are assigned to, please do not hesitate to let me know.
"This is also the time to let me know about any allergies or bedtime medication you may need to take. Madame Pomfrey has a list of all of the medications your parents or guardians submitted, but if you have any that weren't sent in advance, let me know, and I'll pass on that information to Madame Pomfrey and Professor Snape. Any medications you need should be delivered to you by the House Elves."
Ron saw Rose raise an eyebrow. Oh, she probably didn't know what House Elves were. Something to explain later, he guessed.
"I know from prior years that this may be the first time some of you are away from home. It is okay to feel wary or upset about that, but trust me, just lean into the welcoming atmosphere of your House, and you should feel like your true home is here. It's why the House system exists in the first place. If you still feel homesick, writing letters helps, and you can always talk to me or any other Prefect.
"Finally, my name is Jasper Leijon, I'm in fifth year, my female counterpart is Cosette Martin, and she'll also be available for questions if you have any."
"Hello!" said a girl, from atop the loft, waving down at the first years.
"That's her," said Jasper, grinning. "Alright, I'm not going to waste any more of your time, welcome to Slytherin!"
Ron: Be Rose again, finally.
As most of the first years dispersed, Rose found herself drawn back to Ron and Malfoy.
"So," said Rose. "Slytherin, huh."
Ron looked defensive. Malfoy looked caught between a smug expression because he got in, and an upset one because Rose and Ron had followed him there.
"The hat said it was ambitious to follow you into a den of snakes," said Ron. "I told the stuffed thing to stuff it."
Rose laughed. "That's amazing. You actually said that?"
"Well," said Ron, scratching the back of his neck. "The sentiment was there. I came up with the phrasing later on."
"Ugh," groaned Malfoy. "I'm beginning to realize that I'm going to be trapped in this House with the two of you for seven years," he said.
Crabbe, who was behind Draco and had been the entire time, looked hurt.
"Not you," said Draco. "The two of them, I mean. I'm just feeling... Merlin, I swear there's a word for it."
Rose shrugged. "I didn't know the term Mugwump. Don't look at me."
"I'm going to bed," said Draco. "And hopefully when I wake up this will all have been a dream, and I'm not stuck sharing my home for the next seven years with a Potter and a Weasley." He walked off towards the boys' dorms.
"I probably should go to sleep too," said Ron. "This has been... um. Well, I can say meeting you has been life-changing, Rose. I can't imagine myself going to Slytherin if it wasn't for you."
"I still don't grasp the difference between the houses or why it matters outside of school, but I appreciate the gesture, certainly," said Rose.
"It matters a lot, actually," said Ron. "Lots of Dark wizards come out of Slytherin. Politicians, too. Loads of people from Gryffindor won't even talk to a Slytherin."
"And you said it was a family tradition to go to Gryffindor," realized Rose. "Oh, Ron. I'm so -"
"Stop," said Ron. "I'm trying not to think about it. And anyways, I'll tell them the truth, if they really ask. The hat said I was a natural fit for Gryffindor, and I basically... asked it to let me find out what in Merlin's name you were doing."
"Really?"
"Roughly, yeah," said Ron, though his eyes didn't meet hers.
"Alright," said Rose. "I appreciate it, no matter what. Thank you for sticking by me." She held out her hand.
Ron took it.
They shook.
"And now," said Rose, "I pray that I am not too late to get a good bed."
"Oh crud," said Ron, who turned away and began sprinting towards the dorms, nearly knocking over Malfoy. Rose could hear him yell "I DO NOT WANT A BED NEAR THE DOOR!"
Rose walked over to the entrance to the girls' dorm, pulling her phone out of her robe pocket. Entirely out of habit, she scrolled to the most recent Pesterlog and began reading.
"Oh fuck," swore Rose, after only a few moments. "Roxy's coming."