Official author's note: I've always basically been only posting on FFN for the meme. From now on it's going to be literally zero effort. No formatting whatsoever. If you want to see this same story, but with actually beautiful text and fonts and shit, the story is on AO3, as well as SV and SB if you prefer lively discussion. The work ID is 25502050.
Check it out there instead of here.
-tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 10:03 -
TT: Transfiguration went pretty well, all things considered.
TT: That Professor McGonagall of yours must hate you.
TT: I don't try to have that happen, you know.
TT: The evidence just points to me having an aura that makes people hate me.
TT: Oh, stop being such a drama queen.
TT: Dave *doesn't know you*.
TT: And I was joking with the McGonagall bit.
TT: I like you. You know, that, right?
TT: You're fun to talk to, Dirk. I seek you out to talk to.
TT: And I apologize for the negging.
TT: Apology accepted, Lalonde.
TT: Oh, good, we're back to "Lalonde."
TT: Familiar territory at last.
TT: Semi-hostile, yet somehow friendly barbs.
TT: The natural state for the both of us.
TT: Do you ever wonder if we're damaged?
TT: When I hold both wands I can faintly hear whispers from the Furthest Ring.
TT: I *know* I'm damaged.
TT: It helps, honestly.
TT: That's the bell. Five minutes until you have to be in class.
TT: I have Defence Against The Dark Arts now. Is it any good?
TT: Loaded question.
TT: In the past four years since I've been here alone, the first one got killed by a trap she was trying to show off, another got poisoned by something he was working on, one got sent to Wizard Alcatraz, and most recently, one turned out to be half-dog as a result of some weird transformation and got run out of town.
TT: I liked that last guy. Shame about him.
TT: Some of my best friends are half-dog.
TT: I know we're joshing right now, but there is some legitimately horrific anti-werewolf legislation in place.
TT: Look it up if you want to be sad.
TT: Werewolves are real?
TT: And discriminated against.
TT: Shit sucks.
TT: Anyway, we've wasted enough time. Time for you to meet Quirrell.
TT: What's his deal going to be?
TT: He's possessed by another incarnation of Jack Noir.
TT: Came from the Squiddles' universe into ours.
TT: He's cursed with garlic.
TT: I've got allies within the Squiddles. This shouldn't be too hard.
TT: I'm joking, except for the part about garlic, which is new.
TT: Man used to teach Muggle Studies, which is about as questionable of a class you can possibly expect, but he was garlic-free back then. Competent enough speaker.
TT: With this school's track record, he'll end up turning into some kind of garlic dip by the end of the term.
TT: I'll keep some chips handy.
-tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 10:16 -
"W-welcome t-to Defense Against The D-Dark Arts," stuttered the professor. "M-my name is P-Professor Q-Quirrell.
"This is m-my first year t-teaching this class, and I h-h-hope to m-make a good impression o-on all of you on w-why d-defending y-yourself from the D-Dark A-Arts is s-so important."
Quirrell walked over to the chalkboard, and shakily picked up a piece of chalk.
Rose cringed at the noise he made as he attempted to write "DADA."
"Professor Quirrell," said Rose. "Are you alright?"
Quirrell turned to face Rose, and made eye contact with her. Rose hissed in pain. What the hell?
"I'm q-quite alright, Ms. Potter," he said. "A-are you o-offering a-assistance?"
"Yes," said Rose, reeling from the bizarre forehead pain. Had she experienced this before? She couldn't remember. "I'll be your chalk jockey, if you so desire."
Something was up with this guy. Dirk said that he was a "competent enough speaker" but here he was, barely able to use chalk.
"E-excellent, Ms. P-Potter."
She got up from her desk. Quirell held out the chalk to her, and she grabbed the other end of it.
"If I may ask, Professor," said Rose as conversationally as she could, "what happened over the summer?"
"W-well," said the professor. "I'm not at l-liberty to release all the d-details... suffice to say that something o-occured that r-renewed my interest in the D-Dark Arts."
"And the defense thereof?" asked Rose, writing 'Professor Quirrell' on the chalkboard.
"O-of c-course, Ms. Potter."
The class continued, with Quirrell dictating what Rose should draw on the chalkboard. He seemed inordinately pleased with her doing so.
Rose sketched out diagrams of the curriculum, images of some of the non-human sources of Dark Magic (werewolves, vampires, and Squiddles, to name a few), and some crude drawings of people suffering under the results of Dark Magic. While Quirrell wasn't looking, she drew a turban on the sad-faced stick man labeled "victim of possession".
The bell rang. Most of the class began to file out. Rose went to grab her things.
"Ah, Ms. P-Potter, please s-stay behind."
Ron made eye contact with Rose. She nodded, and he left.
"So," she said. "What's going on, professor?"
"Rose," he said. "Let's chat."
Rose mentally checked her strife specibus. Both needlewands were ready for action, in case the worst happened.
"What do you want to chat about, professor?"
"You put a turban on the victim of possession."
Rose crossed her arms. "So I did."
"Why did you do that?"
"For fun."
"Fun?"
"Yes," said Rose. "Children enjoy doodling."
Quirrell looked at her. Her forehead began to pound again. Something was not okay.
"Are you telling me there was no malicious intent with your drawing?" asked Quirrell.
"No," said Rose. "Are you telling me that I'm being suspected of malintent?"
"No," said Quirrell.
"What's your opinion on wearing other hats?" asked Rose. "Perhaps a jester hat? Just for fun. Hypothetical fun. Childish fun."
Quirrell became very angry. "Ms. Potter, I will not remove my turban, and I suggest you leave this classroom right away."
"So you're against jester hats," said Rose. "What are your thoughts on the color black?"
"Leave at once!" barked Quirrell.
Rose found herself pulled backwards towards the door, as if someone had hooked a cane on her stomach. She engaged her needlewands, jamming them into the ground to remain in the room.
"Professor Quirrell," she grunted. "You don't happen to have any attachments to the name Jack-"
"Depulso!" yelled Quirrell, and Rose flew backwards, and landed in the hallway.
Rose groaned. Ron and Malfoy were standing next to the door, and now went over to her.
"Are you alright?" asked Malfoy.
"I think," grit Rose. "That I'm going to have to have a discussion on why exactly Dirk said he was only joking when he said Quirrell was possessed by Jack Noir."
Then she got up, dusted herself off, and stormed away, and she was only barely able to hear Malfoy ask "Who's Jack Noir?"
-tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:04-
TG: LE GROAN
TG: good morniung
TG: to my british daghet
TG: fuck time zones! seriously!
TG: jane said colonel sassacre said that time zones are a hoax invented to sell more railroads
TT: There's actually a grain of truth to that.
TT: The first standardized system of timezones was invented to help synchronize train schedules.
TT: Anyway, on the subject of trains.
TT: You're heading to King's Cross right now?
TG: yeeep
TG: after we met queen Lizzie dude in a tall floofy hat got us a limo
TG: being raised by the batterwitch gets you sum connections i SUPPOSE
TT: Okay. When you get there, enter the main gate, and turn onto Platform Nine.
TG: okay
TG: we're here
TG: platform nine?
TT: Platform nine.
TG: have arrived at platform nine
TG: where dem bricks at
TT: There should be a couple pillars separating platforms nine and ten.
TG: ...no
TG: there's just open air
TT: What?
TG: yah
TG: lemme
TG: /BlVZD/
TT: That can't be right.
TT: There's no pillar?
TG: um
TG: no
TG: just railroad tracks
TG: is it for magicals only?
TT: I have no idea.
TG: thats stupid
TG: y would you need a brick wall to be invisible too
TG: just have the bricks lock ppl out
TG: its a double gatekeep
TT: Hm.
TT: I'm at a loss.
TG: hmmmmmm
TG: i have a stupid idae
TT: This whole thing was a bit of a stupid idea, but go on.
TG: imma just
TG: close my eyes
TG: run straight at where it *would* be
TG: hope my voidy powers uh. remove the non-existence of said brick wall
TG: and then remove the lock on it also
TG: and then i get to your train :OOOOO
TT: I...
TT: Well, worst case you get thrown out of a railroad station in a country you don't live in.
TG: here goes
TG: ready
TG: one
TG: twoo
TG: HERE I GO
TT: Gods.
TT: Hello?
TT: Roxy?
TT: Are you alive?
TG: I CANNOT BELIEVE I FUCKIN MADE IT
TG: /oWRHN/
TT: Holy shit.
TT: Congratulations, even though that photo could not be any shittier.
TG: one problem
TT: One problem?
TG: theres no train
TT: That's a problem for sure.
TT: Hmm.
TG: i found something on the ground :o
TG: a brochure of hogwarts
TG: all shitty and trambled
TG: but guess what it has :OO
TT: What does it have?
TG: the GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION OF HOGSMEADE
TG: on a MAP
TG: WOOOOOOOOOT
TT: So? It's a tiny map.
TG: rose staring at maps is my actual fuckin day job
TG: im very good at staring at maps
TG: and now i can actually FIND YOU and your KICKASS SCHOOL and well BE THERE IN A FEW DAYS once JANE FINISHES EXPLORING LONDON because shes NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE
TT: Sounds like a plan.
TT: See you in a few days, mom.
TG: 3
-tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:24-
"What is that thing, Rose?" Millicent Bulstrode stared. She and Tracey Davis had just wandered into their shared dorm room.
"It's a phone," said Rose. "I'm using it to chat with someone in London."
"Someone?"
"My mother," admitted Rose. "Biologically speaking."
Millicent blinked in surprise. "Don't let Pansy hear you're adopted," she said. "It's just the kind of soapy nonsense she loves. She'd never let you live it down."
Tracey shook her head. "I didn't know they made phones you could keep in your hand, let alone ones that worked in Hogwarts."
"They don't, actually," said Rose. "This is a bit of a prototype. I have friends who work at Skaianet."
"Skaianet?" Now Tracey seemed surprised. "The mysterious American tech company that took the world by storm? Makes everything from boats, to communication equipment, to Gushers?"
"That's the one," said Rose. "Although I'm not sure if it's owned by Betty Crocker's former company or if Betty Crocker's former company is now owned by Skaianet."
"The latter," said Tracey. "Shame about her mysterious disappearance. My mother loved her cake mixes."
Rose didn't deign to comment.
"Jake Harley's my mother's boss," she said. "Which is how I got the phone."
"The Jake Harley?" Tracey's jaw was on the floor. "Do you think you could get me an in with him?"
"Who's this Harley fellow?" asked Millicent.
"One of the richest Muggles alive," said Tracey. "He's old, but he's beyond wealthy, an explorer, and the owner of Skaianet."
"You're eleven," said Rose.
Tracey's face flushed. "I grew up on the Harleyventures books. He's kind of my hero."
"Oh," said Rose. "So it's not like a cougar hunting thing."
"Rose!"
Rose got up from her bed and stretched. "Lunch starts in a few minutes, doesn't it?"
"Yeah," said Milicent.
"Shall we sit at the Slytherin table together? I missed you at breakfast."
"That-that's fine," said Tracey. "Yeah. You can tell me about Jake Harley some more."
"I don't know him all that well. I can hook you up with a Pesterchum account to talk to my mom about it, if you want, I'm sure she's bored out of her mind right now..."
"Yes!" grinned Tracey. "Do that! I would love a Pastorchum!"
"Pesterchum," corrected Rose.
"Whatever!"
Milicent rubbed her arms.
"I can get you one, too, y'know," said Rose. "They're free to make, and if they weren't, I'm one degree removed from the guy who owns the service."
"It's not that!" snapped Milicent. "I don't want you two using stupid Muggle devices in the Slytherin common room!"
"It's barely a Muggle device," said Rose. "Most Muggles won't own one of these for another decade at least, and I'm pretty sure this phone was made partially by Skaia itself."
"Ugh," said Milicent. "Shut up. Skaia this, Skaia that, Skaia net, whatever! This is magic school, stick to magic!"
"What defines magic?" asked Rose. "Someone once told me that magic was fake and that all of the crazy magic I was doing with my wands came from myself and nothing else all along. But you could also argue that everything is equally magic, so long as you don't know every last detail about how it works. Do you know how the phone works, Milicent?"
"No."
"If I told you it was magic, would you believe me?"
"No."
"Would you be able to prove me wrong?"
"No," said Milicent. "Give me one."
Behind her back, Rose de-captchalogued the backup phone she carried around with her and handed it to Milicent.
"Just log out of my account and hit 'create new.' There are some stupid username limitations, but you get around them pretty easily."
"Rose, do you have another phone?"
"I have, like, seven." Rose took another one and gave it to Tracey.
"Why?" Tracey looked grateful, if confused.
"A friend of mine once told me to never be without a computer."
"Huh," said Tracey, looking thoughtful. "What's a computer?"
"I have to start my name with G, C, A, or T, and it has to be two words smushed together?" Milicent looked lost.
"It's a little stupid, but the GCAT limitation goes away if you want to rename your account. I think it's for branding or something."
Milicent typed something out, one finger at a time. Then she frowned.
"I have to pick out a he... hay..." Milicent struggled to read the word.
"Hemotype. I think in later versions they'll just call it a text color, because that's what it is. It's the color that all your messages will be sent in. Think of it like the color of ink for your quill."
"Oh," said Milicent. "Can I just pick green? What's your color?"
"A very soothing purple," said Rose. "And green would be a little boring, no?"
Tracey shrugged. "I'm going with a kind of hot magenta color," she said. "Just put your favorite color, Millie."
"Okay."
Milicent carefully tapped on the screen a few more times. "Now what?" she asked.
"Send me a friend request," said Rose, pulling out her phone. "I'm tentacleTherapist."
Two friend requests landed in her inbox. Rose accepted both, and created a group memo.
tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board Girls Chatroom.
"Just click on the memo and make sure it's working by typing whatever you want," she said. "Hit the little send icon once you finish typing."
argumentsGutter [AG] responded to memo.
AG: Hello
AG: How do i add a period
TT: Click on the little period icon, next to the spacebar, it should be right there.
AG: Thnks.
AG: How do i do question marks.
AG: Why is it making the first letter bigger.
AG: Can i turn that off.
TT: Yes. It's a little complicated to do it in the phone's settings, and you might want to keep it on. But I'll show you in a second.
AG: Okay.
AG: How do i do question marks .
Rose got up to show Milicent how to use the virtual keyboard.
charmingCuriosities [CC] responded to memo.
CC: It's a lot like a typewriter.
CC: But without the keys.
TT: Yes. You don't need to always type with an initial capital letter, by the way. Just click shift to make the letter smaller. Or vice versa.
CC: oh
CC: ok
CC: hmm
TT: This is honestly a little difficult for me.
AG: ?
TT: Yes. That's how question marks work.
TT: But there's not really a cultural consciousness yet about how to type that I can reference for examples.
TT: Early internet typing styles were very much informed by both the l33t haxxor groups and also the limitations of button-based cellular phones.
TT: By the way, try holding it with your thumbs over the keyboard.
CC: oh that is much easier
CC: thank you
CC: !
CC: i found the exclamation point!
TT: :)
TT: I think I need someone else.
TT: I'm going to invite my mom to this chat, unless anyone objects.
AG: Is she a muggle?
TT: It's complicated.
TT: Short answer is she was able to go to Platform 9 3/4 earlier today on her own.
CC: then invite her!
TT: I'll message her and make it temporarily available to join.
TT: Here's hoping I don't regret this.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] responded to memo.
TG: wots all this then
TG: :o
TG: omg
TG: is this
TG: a WIZZARD GORL CHAT
TG: IM NOT SURE I FIT THAT CATEGORIE BUT I AM SO DOWN TO PARTY WITH YALL
CC: im tracey!
AG: Milicent bulstrode
timaeusTestified [TT] responded to memo.
TT: Dirk Strider.
TT banned TT from responding to memo.