Jane Egbert, the crazy old woman who ostensibly was Roxy's adult supervision, sat on a couch, her hands folded in her lap. She had a benevolent, old-lady smile on her face, below her thick glasses. "Oh! And they enter right on time. Welcome, dearies, sit wherever makes you comfortable," she said. "Dirk and Dave were just telling me... what were you telling me again?"

"About how much I hate the elderly," said Dirk, leaning against the room's fireplace. "Especially needlessly obtuse, prankstery elderly who neglect to tell us that the guests we were apparently waiting for are actually my pseudo-daughter and her pseudo-mother."

Dave was on the opposite side of the room, sitting on the bed. He seemed curled in on himself, but it was hard to tell in his Hogwarts robes.

"Well," said Old Lady Egbert, expression serene, "if I told you the identity of our guests in advance, would you have played along?"

"Nah," said Dirk. "Shit. Crazy old lady wins a round."

"Hi, everyone!" said Roxy. "Wow! Hi, Dave!"

"'Sup," said Dave from the bed. It lacked his usual energy, in Rose's opinion.

"Go say hi to your mother," said Rose.

"Hullo, Mother," said Dave.

Roxy went and sat on the bed next to Dave.

"Y'know, I never actually thought I'd meet you," she said. "Outside of when we were all babies, of course, but none of us remember it."

"Hoo hoo!" said Jane. "I was there too, you know! All eight of us were on that meteor, plus my dear grandson John, directly after he cloned us from the DNA of our future selves! Hee hee. Ectobiology is a funny thing, isn't it?"

"Yes, Nanna Egbert," said Rose. "It sure is. What are we all doing here?"

"Why, I thought you'd already figured it out, hoo hoo!" said Jane. "We're going to talk about our problems."

"And then what?"

"I'm not sure! Hee hee! Isn't it fun to not plan ahead?"

Rose sighed. This was going to be fucking excruciating.

It was a few minutes later, and barring the brief "we're all good" text Rose had sent Cosette, the only one who had said anything was Roxy.

She had, in fact, said a whole lot, and was sniffling into Nanna Egbert's arm on the couch.

"An', an' I feel like I really failed 'em, y'know? Those kids grew up without a mom, barely had a dad, and I was just—the worst babysitter ever!"

"There, there, dearie," said Nanna. "It's not your fault that my adoptive brother got so focused on looking to explore the world, he forgot to cherish the treasure he had at home. You're only sixteen. You can't be expected to know how to raise children any more than they can be expected to raise themselves."

Roxy blew her nose.

"Yeah," she said. "Yeah, god. But Rose said-"

"What Rose said might be true, for another Roxy Lalonde," said Nanna. "Yes, in the infinite wonder that is Paradox Space there was a version of you who raised Rose, and she was dangerously negligent. But she isn't you! She is only a series of decisions, dear. Ones that you probably will never get to make. You told me you've been trying to kick your habit, haven't you?"

"Yes," said Roxy. "It's been... harder than it should have been. God, I'm such a fucking mess."

"No, no," said Jane. "You're a mess, yes, but that's because you're a teenager, hee hee! Why, when I was your age, I scarcely believed that the woman who raised me was secretly an evil alien empress!"

"Yeah," said Roxy, sniffling. "Crazy how you can miss stuff like that."

"How long has it been, Roxy?" asked Jane.

"Coming up on two years sober?" she said. "God. I should keep better track of this kinda thing."

"That's amazing, dear, it truly is!" said Jane, ruffling Roxy's hair. Roxy leaned into the old woman's side, her tears having almost entirely stopped. "Rose said her version of you didn't kick the habit until you both were already in the Medium. Now, will it mean you're going to be automatically better at raising children? No, it won't be. It will be hard, hoo hoo. I learned that firsthand from raising my darling son! But if the compassion you've shown for those kids you babysit is anything, I'd say you're already on a better path."

Dirk, Rose, and Dave had been absorbing this conversation silently. None of them said anything, none of them moved.

None of them, until of course Dirk Fucking Strider opened his big fucking mouth and said, "Okay, I get it. I get the obvious fucking parallels. Can we move on to address the giant orange beshaded elephant in the room?"

"Hey," said Roxy. "I'm having a moment."

"Yeah, you're having a moment. Y'know who's been having a moment this whole fucking week? Me and my bro, here. Probably me moreso than him. Because I might know that I'm a massive fucking prick, but it's hard to try and repair a relationship that I fucked up in a future that literally might never come to pass."

"Try?" said Dave, speaking for the first time since greeting Roxy. "Man, you've just been hovering over me at meals and shit and saying that we need to talk. That's not repairing jack shit."

"It's not repairing jack shit if you refuse to talk."

"Gentlemen," said Jane, "whether someone tried to get someone else to talk at some point in the past isn't relevant anymore, hoo hoo. We're here now. Can we work with that?"

The boys said nothing.

"Yeah, I mean, fuck it, I'll get John's fucking undead Nanna to be my therapist. Not like I'm doing much else today."

"I'm glad you're finally amenable to conversation," said Dirk.

"I'm not doing this for you," said Dave. "I'm doing this for Lalonde. Both of them, I guess."

"That's a good start," said John's undead (did it count as undead if she wasn't due to die for another few years?) Nanna. "What do you think about Rose?"

"Iunno," said Dave. "She's cool, I guess. It's weird to think of her as my sister."

"Why is that?"

"Well, I only really, uh, was in contact with her and also aware that we're siblings for a total of like a day, right? Then we both died and got reincarnated or whatever, and I thought she was permadead, and then I spent, well, honestly, it kinda sucks to say it, but I found a sister who means a lot to me. Maybe more than Rose does."

Rose felt a pang of utterly rational jealousy.

"Which isn't to say that I don't love Rose!" continued Dave. "But, like, I met Rose pretty much as soon as I was able to read and use the internet, which was pretty early on in my first life, but still, that's like, only six or seven years of knowing Rose versus the eleven of knowing 'Mione."

"Does it count, though?" said Rose.

"What?"

"Like, if you're counting the years you knew Hermione starting from when you were both infants, does that count? Or do you count starting from when you become cognizant?"

"This is a stupid line of questioning," said Dave.

"If you become cognizant around the time you're able to read, let's say," continued Rose, undeterred, "would it then only make sense to count your time with Hermione similarly? And if you learned how to read around age six in this timeline, much as you did in our original one, would that only give you six or seven years with Hermione? A similar number to my own?"

"Holy shit," said Dave. "Are you jealous?"

"What?"

"You're literally jealous of me and Hermione."

"No, I'm not," lied Rose. She scoffed. "And we're not here to discuss that, really."

"Then why'd you bring it up?"

"Thought experiment," said Rose. She turned to Jane. "Can we move on?"

"Alright," said Nanna Egbert. "That wasn't something I expected to stumble upon, and perhaps it can wait for a later date, when young... what was her name again?"

"Hermione."

"Hermione. Shakespearean, I like it. Yes, if young Hermione were to join us, then I think I would feel more comfortable having that sort of discussion. But for now let's move on to a different relationship you had in your first life."

Dave groaned. "You wanna know about my older bro?" he said. "You really wanna know? He was an asshole obsessed with puppets and anime. That's really all there is to say on the matter."

"That feels reductionist," said Dirk.

"Shut the fuck up," said Dave. "Please, shut the fuck up. Please."

Dirk shut the fuck up, though he looked unhappy.

"I've had a lot of time to think this shit through," said Dave. "Call it six years, call it eleven, but I've been raised by a normal enough family this time around. One that keeps the fridge stocked with food instead of fucking Saw-themed puppet traps."

"What the fuck is Saw?" whispered Dirk to himself. Dave didn't acknowledge it.

"I've been to enough therapy to know how you should and should not raise a kid," said Dave.

"You went to therapy?" Dirk seemed incredulous. "How much did you tell the guy about the... situation?"

"Man," said Dave. "What happened to shut the fuck up?"

"I feel like I have a right to know how much you told of the future to some random asshole with a doctorate."

Roxy and Jane looked uncomfortable as well.

"Dave," said Roxy. "Causal spoilers aren't a super great thing, y'know?"

"What?" said Dave. "Who gives a shit if I tell a therapist that an alien girl drew shitty pictures of me one time?"

"It's not that, dear," said Jane. "Aside those who go on to play The Game and their Guardians, people aren't supposed to know about, well, the upcoming end of the world."

"Who says?" said Rose. "That's shitty."

"It's kind of a Guardian instinct," said Roxy. "I dunno how to describe it."

"Us Guardians—me, Roxy, Jane, and Jake—have a few of those," said Dirk. "Sometimes we get a feeling that we should be in a certain place at a certain time. For example, I know where your meteor is going to land, Dave."

"Yeah, Texas," said Dave. "I know too. Because I was there. As a baby."

"Sometimes," continues Dirk, "it's hard to resist some of these Guardian instincts. I know that the Game is going to be hell, and I look at you, and obviously you're in pretty tip-top shape, but I want to just."

Dirk made a noise. "I want to take you, and I want to whip you into shape. I want to make you capable of handling any and all of the shit that the world's going to throw at you. Hell, not just you-I see my kids, my Lions, and I see how soft and fuzzy they all are. And it's hard to not do some shit like enchant a dummy to chase them around for training."

"What... why would you do that?" said Roxy. "I never got any instinct like that."

Dirk said nothing.

"I didn't get anything like that either, Mr. Strider," said Jane. "Not that I doubt that you receive horrific visions of the potential futures to come, but I think you might be using this as a... what's the word?"

"Rationalization," said Rose.

"Rationalization, hoo hoo," confirmed Jane.

Dirk kept leaning on the wall, his arms crossed, before he pushed off of it and walked closer to the center of the room. Dave scooched back on the bed. Dirk glanced at Dave, and then put his hand in his pocket and pulled out his wand.

"I'm gonna put this on the ground," said Dirk. "I don't have any other weapons on me. I guarantee it."

"Cal?"

"The fuck do you mean, Cal?"

"Where's the fucking puppet, man?"

"It's a puppet, dude," said Dirk. "It's not a weapon."

The room was silent.

Dirk sighed, and removed his Puppetkind abstratus from his Strife Deck.

"I don't even have the puppet on me, man," he said. "But fine. Happy?"

"That puppet fucking assaulted me on a rooftop," said Dave. "And I'm pretty sure it's possessed.

"Cal's not possessed," said Dirk. "Cal's too cool to be possessed."

"I think Cal was possessed in our first lives," said Rose. "I'm not entirely sure if he's possessed now."

"I don't want to think about Cal any more than I have to," said Dave.

"Good," said Dirk, "because I actually have no fucking clue where he is."

"What?!"

This was uttered by every occupant of the room but Nanna Egbert, who kept her light, grandmotherly smile firm as she said, "The whereabouts of this young man's possessed Juju isn't all that relevant to the crux of this conversation, dearies. I think we all know that. Dirk, what was your intention in removing your wand?"

"To show Dave that I don't want to hurt him," said Dirk. "I never have."

Dave scoffed, and Dirk continued. "I know, I know, I know that with a different roll of the dice, if I went through different experiences, if we were in a different time and place, I could hurt you. I did hurt you. And for that, I'm deeply sorry, for as much responsibility as I have for my alternate selves."

"More and less than you think you do, dear," said Jane. "Go on."

Dirk side-eyed her, and said, "Most of all, dude, I want to meet you. I've spent half my life wanting to meet you, ever since I realized you were coming. And to see that you're already a fucking hero, you and Rose, both fucking heroes, it makes me more proud than I can possibly express."

Dirk stepped back, and Dave took a moment to process.

"Listen," said Dave. "Listen. I need you to know that this situation is beyond awkward for me.

"Because I'm standing here, and John's grandma's here, and Roxy's here, and Rose is here, and you're here, and you're a fuckin'... you're a dorky kid, y'know? But you look, you're... you're not that far removed from the guy who abused me growing up.

"I'm calling it abuse because that's what makes sense to me in my head," said Dave. "You can call it whatever the fuck you want. And I know, I know the circumstances are different. I know you're a kid. And I know you're apparently more emotionally stable or whatever. But, man, is it so, so fucking hard to look you in the eyes and not see him."

The room was tense. Roxy took a long look at Dirk. Rose took a long look at Dave. Dirk was inscrutable.

Perhaps Dave wasn't ready, realized Rose. Maybe he never would be ready. Maybe she'd have to spend the rest of her educational career - hell, her life - managing these two, keeping them away from each other, creating awkward situation after awkward situation.

Finally, Jane said, "Well, dearie, are you willing to try?"

"To what?" said Dave.

"To see Dirk Strider as a different person? Or, at least, a distinct enough entity to be treated on his own merits, hoo hoo."

Dave groaned. "Fuck. Fuck! Argh. I shouldn't have come on this trip," he said.

"Why is that, dear?"

"Because I'm a fucking pushover."

Rose blinked. "So does that mean…"

"Yeah," said Dave. "I'll try my best to close my eyes around this douchebag."

"You won't regret it," said Dirk.

*You probably will, but in a fun, light-hearted way," said Rose. "I regret a lot of things in that manner and it's brightened my life considerably."

"You would say something like that, wouldn't you," said Dave.

"Oh, come off it," said Rose. "I'm sure there's someone you let into your life who makes you constantly exasperated, yet fills your heart with joy all the same."

The door burst open. All five of the room's occupants turned to see Hermione Granger, panting and out of breath.

"Finally, I finally found you," she said. "Phew. Gotta. Catch my breath."

A moment passed. Hermione's breathing became regular again.

"Hi," said Hermione. "I'm Dave's sister, and Dirk, I have this to say to you."

She marched into the room. "Now, I don't know if you know this about my brother. But he is the coolest, best person I've ever met in my whole life. He's tough, he's strong, and when things suck, he tells me about it. And you can bet, Dirk Strider, that he's told me about you. And if you ever," she said, face red both from exertion and righteous fury, "ever hurt my brother, in any way, I will find the biggest, scariest spell in the Hogwarts library, and use it to ruin your life. Do you understand me?"

Her wand was out, pointed directly at Dirk's nose, barely a centimeter away. Dirk raised his hands in surrender.

"Never thought I'd get the shovel speech from an eleven-year-old girl," he said, "but there is and always will be a first time for everything."

"Is that a yes, Strider?" she asked.

"Holy shit, yes," said Dirk. "Hell yes. Hell fucking yes, there is not a single fiber of my physical body that wants to cause harm to Dave Strider."

"That's Dave Granger," said Hermione. "And don't you forget it."

Her face relaxed. Then, her expression became panicked. "Oh my gosh! I completely forgot! Rose! I came here to get you, the other Slytherin girls heading back into the castle soon!"

"Then we better catch up with them," said Rose. "Come on, sorority sister of mine." She linked arms with Hermione.

"I don't think that's how the word 'sorority' is used," said Dirk. "I think it's only in the specific context of female student societies in university, not just any group of female students in any context."

"Shut up, you dork," said Roxy. "Let's catch up with them. I still never got to say hi to Millie!"

The final gathering point of the party was an unused courtyard within the castle bounds. Everyone contributed some of their candy to a shared pot, and Roxy passed cans of butterbeer around.

"So," said Cosette, "despite this not going exactly as planned, I still think it went pretty well, for a merged family reunion and female student bonding session."

"Better than I hoped, honestly," said Dirk, who was still there for some fucking reason.

"Dude," said Cosette. "This part's kind of meant for the kids."

"Gotcha," said Dirk. "I'll just... head out, I guess."

"See you around," said Rose.

"Bye," said Dave. "See you around."

"See you, Mr. Strider!" said Pansy.

"Should I go?" said Roxy.

"No, you're cool," said Millie.

"What about me, hoo hoo?" said Jane, who was also still there for some fucking reason.

"You're cool too," said Tracey. "You were apparently raised by a witch, and you're Jake Harley's sister, which makes you more than cool enough."

"If you want me to stay I won't complain," said Jane. "I missed these kinds of things from my younger days. Why, just the act of me staying here means I get an advantage in my Prankster's Gambit against Mr. Strider, does it not?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," said Cosette. "Let's wrap this up before bedtime."

Cosette looked around the group.

"So," she said. "First and foremost welcome to Slytherin."

Millie and Tracey clapped. The rest of the circle joined along.

"You're here because you chose to be Sorted, or were Sorted, to join what is in my own unbiased opinion the best of all the Houses."

Millie whooped. Just Millie, this time.

"Now," she said. "I have to address the stigma.

"You're only eleven," said Cosette, "so you haven't experienced this, but people... don't really like Slytherins. Maybe it's a bad experience they've had with a Slytherin, maybe it's just the culture, I couldn't really say. But there's an unfair image of Slytherins as evil, Dark wizards.

"Now, I'm not going to knock the Dark Arts," said Cosette. "Legally I think I might get in trouble for telling you this, but use the Dark Arts responsibility with trusted individuals at hand and you should be more than fine. But also you're eleven right now so ignore everything I'm saying. The point is," she finished, "is that you're going to go through tough stuff. And the thing you're going to want the most is your friends around you.

"We're all going to swear here tonight," said Cosette. "Don't worry, it's not magically binding, it's the spirit of the thing. But we're going to swear to always be there for each other."

"When the rain starts to pour, like I've been there before, and you'll be there for me too," said Dave. "Oh, and make sure to add 'I'll be there for you' before each of those lines."

"Really? The Friends theme song?" said Rose. Dave shrugged.

"I don't know what Friends is," said Cosette, but since we're all going to be friends and rhyming is fun, we can go with that."

"We're just doing the one draft?" said Rose. "No second takes, just raw, unfiltered Strider?"

"I think it's cute," said Tracey. "Let's do it. I'll be there for you," she said.

"When the rain starts to pour," added Daphne.

"I'll be there for you," intoned Pansy, perhaps forgetting that this wasn't magically binding.

"Like I've been there before," said Millie.

"I'll be there for you," said Rose, rolling her eyes.

The group looked at Hermione.

"Me?" she squeaked.

"At least for the night," said Cosette. "It's fun! Come on."

"And you'll be there for me too?" she finished.

"Dununununununun!" Dave strummed an invisible guitar. "Good show. Better theme song."

"You're impossible," groaned Rose.

"You two are cute," said Roxy. "Makes me proud to have you as my ecto-kids."

"Thanks, mom," said Dave. "And it's still weird to call a sixteen year old mom. Whoops. Good thing I checked again."

"Not as weird as calling the woman you thought was your grandmother your mother, as your young friend John likely might do someday!" Nanna smiled. "While we're on the subject, I did bring cookies. Does anyone want?"

Jane's cookies were passed out to the group.

"To new befinfings!" toasted Millie, spewing out crumbs.

"To new beginnings!" cheered the group.

The cookies were really fucking good.

Excellent beta-work done by RDavidson.