1 Tell Me
(Part 2)
Weeks after Abby had attended her first support group meetings she felt the fog that had settled over her insides begin to lift. She was getting her life back and coming into feelings of self-possession that she had never known before. She felt so relieved to have made these choices about her life and had come to some solid terms with understanding her drinking as well. She bopped around work here and there doing her job but all the time thinking to herself about how things had turned out. She never realized the curious stares she was receiving from co-workers who had never seen her glow like that.
So as for the drinking, Abby thought realistically. She was not totally sober. But she was never totally drunk either, and refused to ever put herself in that situation. She had a glass of wine to relax with dinner, occasionally. She used it in her recipes. She no longer feared its presence in her life because she felt empowered by her own decision to control its implications. It wasn't a vice, it wasn't a release, it was something to consume, if she wanted to. These were things she knew all along but was reluctant to admit. It had been fun in her youth as some excuse to fall back on when she felt she couldn't deal with her problems, or decided she wouldn't deal with them, but not now. Now she had gained an education about her own fears and realized how these tied in directly with her tendencies toward alcohol. When awakening to this, she went through stages of denial, and then anger, that she would ever be so self-destructive when her life was already complicated enough. She embraced the feelings of power that the support group had given her, but more so, she felt for the first time in her life a growing respect for herself as she became aware of her own presence in the world. This presence was powerful, and respectable because it was giving directions that would direct her to her own destiny. She learned she did have a say in thing, a say in this game of life, and she was in awe of the vast amount of possibilities that lay before her She didn't feel the cravings anymore because there was nothing she was trying so hard to forget, instead she remembered, realized, and moved on to attempt a normal life, one where things wouldn't be so complicated. That had always been the reason to indulge before.
She had confronted these fears and head-on she dove into the pool of herself, reemerging with strength to help her overcome her doubts. Sure, she had problems, and always would, but to finally know that she was worth more than the empty feelings a hangover would always provide, was empowering. She didn't need alcohol to cope with the chaos of life. She didn't need it to fall back on. It wasn't a friend of hers. No, she knew this to be most true, that it wasn't a friend, because throughout this process she had come to realize also, whom her true friends were and what they had done for her.
Previously she had been reluctant when anyone had tried to help her, or in her mind they were trying to "save" her, and mostly from herself. Luka had been wonderful to her, on her behalf, always the protector, and the take- charge kind of guy, he had initially annoyed her. Now she saw it was just his way, and she came into an understanding about him. His friendship was something she now knew to be invaluable. It was definitely true that they could talk more easily now that they were not involved. There would always be chemistry between them, and a twisting together of parts, which were their similar suffering souls. They had dark memories from their pasts that haunted them both in similar ways tying them together, but for Luka to accept Abby as a strong individual who could make her own decisions and who wouldn't need his guidance, well that aspect was something Luka would forever struggle with. Something to do with the inherent chivalry that seeped down into his every fiber, his very soul thought Abby with a warm smile. She would always love Luka for the new friend that he was to her, and for the way that she knew he loved her.
Now about those handcuffs, thought Abby, with a mischievous grin to herself. She had also come to realize how extremely wonderful John Carter was to her. Not that she hadn't appreciated him all along, but at first she was with Luka, and John had made things difficult for her, in the way that he never pretended that he didn't care about her or that he only cared for her as he did for any of his friends. He was "supposed" to pretend he didn't feel that connection between them, just like she was, but he found it hard to play that game. She admired his honesty, it was something she always respected about him and expected the same from herself, but she struggled with getting the whole honesty thing just right when in regards to relationships. Luka picked up on their closeness right away after they had started attending the meetings together, and throughout the process Abby felt entirely satisfied in the new bond she was sharing with this man albeit dysfunctional because it was over AA meetings. There was just something so raw and natural to all of it because there was nothing hidden, they came to know the harsh and real sides of one another first, the troubled incidents which had led both of them spiraling out of control toward drugs and alcohol. Later on, they benefited from this exposure of the truth because they got to see the other sides of one another, the struggling sides. Each one saw the other as a recovering, earnest, and sincere person surrounded by chaos that was the backdrop of the e.r.
Abby thought that it was truly important that they had both known each other's weakness yet they clearly were in tune with one another's strengths despite this. She supported him in his steps to recovery; he supported her in dealing with Maggie. There was an understanding between them that went unspoken. Abby hoped that John could forgive her the temporary relapse, she was able to admit that to herself now, that it was in fact a relapse, due in part to all of the violence in their lives. She thought of "their" lives as one now, even of they were not together, because there were two separate inccidents scared her back into wanting to forget, and back to the drinking problem as a release from this pain. She couldn't tell which one more had made her fearful, her concern for Carter at Sobricki's reemergence, or her fears over Brian's temper. Both occasions affected Abby very deeply and even if Carter didn't know or realize it, she would have done anything in the world to take his pain away at that moment he heard that maniac's voice.
Abby smiled to herself as she propped her elbows on the admit desk pretending to study a chart. She lost herself in more Carter/Abby thoughts. It didn't hurt that they genuinely liked one another and shared an immediate intimacy that rivaled all of the other relationships in their lives. They could talk about anything openly, honestly, raw, and natural just as they did in the meetings. Anything that is, except for all of the chemistry that they were finding hard to contain thought Abby…
(Part 2)
Weeks after Abby had attended her first support group meetings she felt the fog that had settled over her insides begin to lift. She was getting her life back and coming into feelings of self-possession that she had never known before. She felt so relieved to have made these choices about her life and had come to some solid terms with understanding her drinking as well. She bopped around work here and there doing her job but all the time thinking to herself about how things had turned out. She never realized the curious stares she was receiving from co-workers who had never seen her glow like that.
So as for the drinking, Abby thought realistically. She was not totally sober. But she was never totally drunk either, and refused to ever put herself in that situation. She had a glass of wine to relax with dinner, occasionally. She used it in her recipes. She no longer feared its presence in her life because she felt empowered by her own decision to control its implications. It wasn't a vice, it wasn't a release, it was something to consume, if she wanted to. These were things she knew all along but was reluctant to admit. It had been fun in her youth as some excuse to fall back on when she felt she couldn't deal with her problems, or decided she wouldn't deal with them, but not now. Now she had gained an education about her own fears and realized how these tied in directly with her tendencies toward alcohol. When awakening to this, she went through stages of denial, and then anger, that she would ever be so self-destructive when her life was already complicated enough. She embraced the feelings of power that the support group had given her, but more so, she felt for the first time in her life a growing respect for herself as she became aware of her own presence in the world. This presence was powerful, and respectable because it was giving directions that would direct her to her own destiny. She learned she did have a say in thing, a say in this game of life, and she was in awe of the vast amount of possibilities that lay before her She didn't feel the cravings anymore because there was nothing she was trying so hard to forget, instead she remembered, realized, and moved on to attempt a normal life, one where things wouldn't be so complicated. That had always been the reason to indulge before.
She had confronted these fears and head-on she dove into the pool of herself, reemerging with strength to help her overcome her doubts. Sure, she had problems, and always would, but to finally know that she was worth more than the empty feelings a hangover would always provide, was empowering. She didn't need alcohol to cope with the chaos of life. She didn't need it to fall back on. It wasn't a friend of hers. No, she knew this to be most true, that it wasn't a friend, because throughout this process she had come to realize also, whom her true friends were and what they had done for her.
Previously she had been reluctant when anyone had tried to help her, or in her mind they were trying to "save" her, and mostly from herself. Luka had been wonderful to her, on her behalf, always the protector, and the take- charge kind of guy, he had initially annoyed her. Now she saw it was just his way, and she came into an understanding about him. His friendship was something she now knew to be invaluable. It was definitely true that they could talk more easily now that they were not involved. There would always be chemistry between them, and a twisting together of parts, which were their similar suffering souls. They had dark memories from their pasts that haunted them both in similar ways tying them together, but for Luka to accept Abby as a strong individual who could make her own decisions and who wouldn't need his guidance, well that aspect was something Luka would forever struggle with. Something to do with the inherent chivalry that seeped down into his every fiber, his very soul thought Abby with a warm smile. She would always love Luka for the new friend that he was to her, and for the way that she knew he loved her.
Now about those handcuffs, thought Abby, with a mischievous grin to herself. She had also come to realize how extremely wonderful John Carter was to her. Not that she hadn't appreciated him all along, but at first she was with Luka, and John had made things difficult for her, in the way that he never pretended that he didn't care about her or that he only cared for her as he did for any of his friends. He was "supposed" to pretend he didn't feel that connection between them, just like she was, but he found it hard to play that game. She admired his honesty, it was something she always respected about him and expected the same from herself, but she struggled with getting the whole honesty thing just right when in regards to relationships. Luka picked up on their closeness right away after they had started attending the meetings together, and throughout the process Abby felt entirely satisfied in the new bond she was sharing with this man albeit dysfunctional because it was over AA meetings. There was just something so raw and natural to all of it because there was nothing hidden, they came to know the harsh and real sides of one another first, the troubled incidents which had led both of them spiraling out of control toward drugs and alcohol. Later on, they benefited from this exposure of the truth because they got to see the other sides of one another, the struggling sides. Each one saw the other as a recovering, earnest, and sincere person surrounded by chaos that was the backdrop of the e.r.
Abby thought that it was truly important that they had both known each other's weakness yet they clearly were in tune with one another's strengths despite this. She supported him in his steps to recovery; he supported her in dealing with Maggie. There was an understanding between them that went unspoken. Abby hoped that John could forgive her the temporary relapse, she was able to admit that to herself now, that it was in fact a relapse, due in part to all of the violence in their lives. She thought of "their" lives as one now, even of they were not together, because there were two separate inccidents scared her back into wanting to forget, and back to the drinking problem as a release from this pain. She couldn't tell which one more had made her fearful, her concern for Carter at Sobricki's reemergence, or her fears over Brian's temper. Both occasions affected Abby very deeply and even if Carter didn't know or realize it, she would have done anything in the world to take his pain away at that moment he heard that maniac's voice.
Abby smiled to herself as she propped her elbows on the admit desk pretending to study a chart. She lost herself in more Carter/Abby thoughts. It didn't hurt that they genuinely liked one another and shared an immediate intimacy that rivaled all of the other relationships in their lives. They could talk about anything openly, honestly, raw, and natural just as they did in the meetings. Anything that is, except for all of the chemistry that they were finding hard to contain thought Abby…