Tell Me Part 6
1 Days later………
John Carter pulled up his collar as he continued down the street; he stopped to glance in a store window, his eyes passing over a pile of toys and model trains. 'A pretty elaborate display,' he thought to himself. He stood there awhile, just gazing at all the playthings. He thought he saw something that reminded him of his brother Bobby, and a sharp stinging pierced his heart. He was feeling vulnerable tonight. That was a dangerous thing. He knew he shouldn't be walking the streets alone because he could end up anywhere, in a bar, on a street corner trying to avoid the temptation of drug dealers, at her doorstep staring up toward her windows.
He hadn't seen her in a few days and he felt the chasm growing wider between them. He felt powerless to stop it this time. He didn't think he had the strength to fight with her anymore; he never wanted that from the first. It hurt him so much to think of her avoiding him in the halls of County in just the same way as she had avoided Luka after their breakup. It wasn't fair from the first place, because they had never even had the chance to be together. Why did he have to go through these motions with her, as if they had broken up? He needed her. He was aware that she didn't want him to help her but he couldn't stop asking her to seek out treatment. If he cared about her at all, he had to be sure she was taking steps to recover from the relapse she had suffered, even if it meant she never wanted to speak to him again.
He was lost in thoughts of her; she so often plagued him, in both dreams, and in his waking life. He let out a tiny guffaw at the irony of his situation as he thought he heard her laughter behind him. He shook his head and looked down at the ground. "Hopeless." Susan had told him he was hopeless when it came to his feelings about Abby, and she was right. He was absolutely overwhelmed by the brunette nurse because she altered his world without even realizing it. He lifted his head again to look over the toys and was startled when the glass of the window reflected an image of Abby. She appeared to be walking with a man, laughing loudly, and talking animatedly. He turned around to see if this vision was true and it surely was. He felt devastated and bewildered all at once. He hadn't been seen; Abby and her companion seemed oblivious to the world around them. Carter couldn't help following them up the street; he hung back so that he wouldn't be noticed, his heart beating wildly in his chest. They walked for maybe a mile or more and Carter was disturbed by their final destination. Abby and the man settled down on a bench by the river.
Why did I have to follow them? He asked himself a million questions while he felt the rage and jealously stabbing at all of the sensitive areas around his heart. He was finding it hard to breath when he saw how comfortable the two were together, she playfully hitting the man's arm and doubling over in laughter. He continued to watch as they lit one another's cigarettes, puffing away, and talking in an intense manner. He thought this torture would never end but it was like a car wreck he couldn't tear his eyes from. He had to watch this and his feet felt cemented to the spot on the sidewalk.
Finally, the man rose and looked down at Abby on the bench in a very loving manner. Carter felt his blood boil. She rose to stand next to him and said something softly to the man embracing him and holding him in a tight hug. When they parted Abby settled herself again on the bench and watched as the man took his leave off down the street. Carter followed the man with his eyes, unable to feel anything but utter disdain for the stranger. He glanced back at the bench and saw Abby sitting there with a self-satisfied smile. How long had this been going on? Was that man the reason she had started drinking again? It was too much to bear. Too many questions surfaced in his head. He approached the bench waiting for the judgment Abby would pass down to him, he didn't care if she accused him of spying on her, he needed to know the truth.
"Abby," he started, "Who was that man you were with?!"
She looked up at him startled as he glared down at her. She rose to her feet.
"Carter! Were you following me?" she shook her head in disbelief. She stared up at him. "First of all, I don't appreciate your tone, and second, you have absolutely no right to interfere in my personal relationships. So, if you'll excuse me, I have other places I'd rather be."
She made the move to go and Carter felt frantic in his search for words.
"Wait, Abby, I'm sorry, but if he's the guy who encouraged you to start drinking again, I'm going to have to give him a piece of my mind."
She came back at him with all of the fury contained in a small storm
"You'll do nothing of the sort tough guy! You're going to leave both of us alone and mind your own business. If I wanted to tell you anything, I know where to find you. Don't get Randall involved in this."
"So he has a name! And where did you meet this Randall? Looks like the two of you are pretty cozy together. It didn't take you long to get over me, that is, if you were ever honestly interested in me." Carter raised his eyebrow at her challenging her to defend herself. He knew she couldn't possibly brush off all that he had seen as meaningless.
"You know what? I am seriously starting to rethink that! I can't believe I ever thought being with you would be a good idea. I need to get my head examined! I cannot believe how petty and jealous your behavior is! You are outrageous!" She glared at him and wrapped her arms around her chest daring him to say something more.
"At least I care about you, and get jealous, which is more than I can say about a past love interest of yours who shall remain nameless!" He knew he was pushing his luck but he didn't care, seeing her with someone else was crushing him inside and he was way past the point of holding in his feelings. He had done that for an entire year as she danced around Luka and carried on a pointless relationship with a man who didn't even know her.
"Leave it alone Carter! Can't you ever leave it alone? This is not about Luka; this is about the two of us, you and me! Stop bringing up things that are irrelevant." She ran her hands over her arms and drew her coat tighter around her body.
He noticed the tension in her body language, he knew she was putting up walls but he carried on, he couldn't let her out of this so easily. "Well I think everything and everyone is relevant now huh? Who was that clown I just saw you with? If you're not involved with him what the hell were you doing here with him?"
"He's a friend! Not that I should have to prove anything to you, or give you any explanation at all! You are acting like such a jerk!"
"What kind of a friend?!" He couldn't let it go, he kept at her, threatening to push her over the edge. He wanted her to feel. He wanted her to feel the same rage that he felt, deep in his gut.
"Damn it John! You are relentless! That was Randall…his name is Randall! I met him in my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder support group. He is an unbelievably sweet and lovable man who has helped me work through some of the hardest realizations I've ever had to face! She sat down on the bench defeated. "I can't believe I am explaining myself to you. You are behaving like a jealous lunatic."
His voice softened. "Abby, I'm sorry, I didn't know about the group. I am glad you are going, I think that is really important. It just drives me crazy to already see you with someone new. You didn't even give us a chance and here you are hugging this guy you just met. I never even got the chance to hold you like that."
She looked over at him on the bench, taking in his tired eyes, hearing the pleading call of his beating heart.
"He's gay John, a victim of a brutal hate crime. His beating brought him to the group just as my attack brought me there. It's true we've formed a close friendship, but your jealousy is still ridiculous regardless of his sexual orientation. If he were straight, you'd still have no basis to behave like a raving madman. I have every right to make friends and seek out the support that I need to get me through this."
"I tried to support you! You didn't want my help! You refused to even listen to me!"
"Wrong. That is where you are completely wrong. John, you told me what to do, you told me what you expected from me, to get myself together and pick up the pieces. You never asked me where I was with all of this; you just assumed that the alcohol had won out over all of my other options. That might have been true for a little while, but you didn't follow through. You just told me what I had to do. You never once asked me what I had already done or if I had already done anything. You have no idea what I have been through in the past few months. You have no idea what I have accomplished.
He was starting to feel frustrated. "Well why didn't you tell me? I would've liked to have been there for you but lately all you do is ignore me and push me away!"
"What was I supposed to say? As soon as you caught me with that beer your disappointment in me was written all over your face! You don't know how much that affected me, seeing that I had hurt you so much, and then when you confronted me about it, you overreacted and didn't let me explain what I had managed to fix."
"I need to go home and lie down. You've managed to give me a killer tension headache Dr. Carter." She rubbed her eyes and her temples, obviously frustrated with the situation. She felt grumpy and just wanted to be alone. He exhausted her. At least it was the fighting with him that exhausted her. It just didn't feel right. She needed to get some sleep, and put these tense words to rest for the night.
"At least let me walk you home Abby. I'm sorry for the way I've behaved."
"I don't have to talk to you do I? I don't have the energy to maintain pleasantries between us. I just want to focus on crawling under the covers and forgetting this night."
"It's a deal." He answered her softly and regretted his harsh reaction. He helped her up from the bench and they walked silently toward the El station, concentrating on their steps and everything around them. In one instance he attempted to reach out for her hand but she quickly slipped it into her pockets giving him a look that read, " You have got to be kidding."
They rode the subway all the way to Abby's stop in silence. Their eyes met unintentionally a few times, and a few times their eyes met on purpose. Mixtures of confusion and frustration passed in the air between them. When they reached her stop both rose simultaneously and exited the train. They walked the wet streets in silence toward her apartment building. When she reached for her keys he thought he would take a risk and speak. She felt his attempt before the ideas on what he would say had even passed through his mind. She held her hand up to silence him and softly shook her head "no". She opened the door and lowered her eyes, disconnecting their gaze.
As the door closed behind her, Carter hung his head and memorized the patterns of intricate stitching on his black leather shoes. He memorized that pattern and went over it in his mind until he heard her close her apartment door above the second flight of stairs. He continued to memorize this pattern with his eyes until he thought, he imagined, and he hoped, that he could hear her settling down under her covers, falling fast asleep with a sigh.
1 Days later………
John Carter pulled up his collar as he continued down the street; he stopped to glance in a store window, his eyes passing over a pile of toys and model trains. 'A pretty elaborate display,' he thought to himself. He stood there awhile, just gazing at all the playthings. He thought he saw something that reminded him of his brother Bobby, and a sharp stinging pierced his heart. He was feeling vulnerable tonight. That was a dangerous thing. He knew he shouldn't be walking the streets alone because he could end up anywhere, in a bar, on a street corner trying to avoid the temptation of drug dealers, at her doorstep staring up toward her windows.
He hadn't seen her in a few days and he felt the chasm growing wider between them. He felt powerless to stop it this time. He didn't think he had the strength to fight with her anymore; he never wanted that from the first. It hurt him so much to think of her avoiding him in the halls of County in just the same way as she had avoided Luka after their breakup. It wasn't fair from the first place, because they had never even had the chance to be together. Why did he have to go through these motions with her, as if they had broken up? He needed her. He was aware that she didn't want him to help her but he couldn't stop asking her to seek out treatment. If he cared about her at all, he had to be sure she was taking steps to recover from the relapse she had suffered, even if it meant she never wanted to speak to him again.
He was lost in thoughts of her; she so often plagued him, in both dreams, and in his waking life. He let out a tiny guffaw at the irony of his situation as he thought he heard her laughter behind him. He shook his head and looked down at the ground. "Hopeless." Susan had told him he was hopeless when it came to his feelings about Abby, and she was right. He was absolutely overwhelmed by the brunette nurse because she altered his world without even realizing it. He lifted his head again to look over the toys and was startled when the glass of the window reflected an image of Abby. She appeared to be walking with a man, laughing loudly, and talking animatedly. He turned around to see if this vision was true and it surely was. He felt devastated and bewildered all at once. He hadn't been seen; Abby and her companion seemed oblivious to the world around them. Carter couldn't help following them up the street; he hung back so that he wouldn't be noticed, his heart beating wildly in his chest. They walked for maybe a mile or more and Carter was disturbed by their final destination. Abby and the man settled down on a bench by the river.
Why did I have to follow them? He asked himself a million questions while he felt the rage and jealously stabbing at all of the sensitive areas around his heart. He was finding it hard to breath when he saw how comfortable the two were together, she playfully hitting the man's arm and doubling over in laughter. He continued to watch as they lit one another's cigarettes, puffing away, and talking in an intense manner. He thought this torture would never end but it was like a car wreck he couldn't tear his eyes from. He had to watch this and his feet felt cemented to the spot on the sidewalk.
Finally, the man rose and looked down at Abby on the bench in a very loving manner. Carter felt his blood boil. She rose to stand next to him and said something softly to the man embracing him and holding him in a tight hug. When they parted Abby settled herself again on the bench and watched as the man took his leave off down the street. Carter followed the man with his eyes, unable to feel anything but utter disdain for the stranger. He glanced back at the bench and saw Abby sitting there with a self-satisfied smile. How long had this been going on? Was that man the reason she had started drinking again? It was too much to bear. Too many questions surfaced in his head. He approached the bench waiting for the judgment Abby would pass down to him, he didn't care if she accused him of spying on her, he needed to know the truth.
"Abby," he started, "Who was that man you were with?!"
She looked up at him startled as he glared down at her. She rose to her feet.
"Carter! Were you following me?" she shook her head in disbelief. She stared up at him. "First of all, I don't appreciate your tone, and second, you have absolutely no right to interfere in my personal relationships. So, if you'll excuse me, I have other places I'd rather be."
She made the move to go and Carter felt frantic in his search for words.
"Wait, Abby, I'm sorry, but if he's the guy who encouraged you to start drinking again, I'm going to have to give him a piece of my mind."
She came back at him with all of the fury contained in a small storm
"You'll do nothing of the sort tough guy! You're going to leave both of us alone and mind your own business. If I wanted to tell you anything, I know where to find you. Don't get Randall involved in this."
"So he has a name! And where did you meet this Randall? Looks like the two of you are pretty cozy together. It didn't take you long to get over me, that is, if you were ever honestly interested in me." Carter raised his eyebrow at her challenging her to defend herself. He knew she couldn't possibly brush off all that he had seen as meaningless.
"You know what? I am seriously starting to rethink that! I can't believe I ever thought being with you would be a good idea. I need to get my head examined! I cannot believe how petty and jealous your behavior is! You are outrageous!" She glared at him and wrapped her arms around her chest daring him to say something more.
"At least I care about you, and get jealous, which is more than I can say about a past love interest of yours who shall remain nameless!" He knew he was pushing his luck but he didn't care, seeing her with someone else was crushing him inside and he was way past the point of holding in his feelings. He had done that for an entire year as she danced around Luka and carried on a pointless relationship with a man who didn't even know her.
"Leave it alone Carter! Can't you ever leave it alone? This is not about Luka; this is about the two of us, you and me! Stop bringing up things that are irrelevant." She ran her hands over her arms and drew her coat tighter around her body.
He noticed the tension in her body language, he knew she was putting up walls but he carried on, he couldn't let her out of this so easily. "Well I think everything and everyone is relevant now huh? Who was that clown I just saw you with? If you're not involved with him what the hell were you doing here with him?"
"He's a friend! Not that I should have to prove anything to you, or give you any explanation at all! You are acting like such a jerk!"
"What kind of a friend?!" He couldn't let it go, he kept at her, threatening to push her over the edge. He wanted her to feel. He wanted her to feel the same rage that he felt, deep in his gut.
"Damn it John! You are relentless! That was Randall…his name is Randall! I met him in my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder support group. He is an unbelievably sweet and lovable man who has helped me work through some of the hardest realizations I've ever had to face! She sat down on the bench defeated. "I can't believe I am explaining myself to you. You are behaving like a jealous lunatic."
His voice softened. "Abby, I'm sorry, I didn't know about the group. I am glad you are going, I think that is really important. It just drives me crazy to already see you with someone new. You didn't even give us a chance and here you are hugging this guy you just met. I never even got the chance to hold you like that."
She looked over at him on the bench, taking in his tired eyes, hearing the pleading call of his beating heart.
"He's gay John, a victim of a brutal hate crime. His beating brought him to the group just as my attack brought me there. It's true we've formed a close friendship, but your jealousy is still ridiculous regardless of his sexual orientation. If he were straight, you'd still have no basis to behave like a raving madman. I have every right to make friends and seek out the support that I need to get me through this."
"I tried to support you! You didn't want my help! You refused to even listen to me!"
"Wrong. That is where you are completely wrong. John, you told me what to do, you told me what you expected from me, to get myself together and pick up the pieces. You never asked me where I was with all of this; you just assumed that the alcohol had won out over all of my other options. That might have been true for a little while, but you didn't follow through. You just told me what I had to do. You never once asked me what I had already done or if I had already done anything. You have no idea what I have been through in the past few months. You have no idea what I have accomplished.
He was starting to feel frustrated. "Well why didn't you tell me? I would've liked to have been there for you but lately all you do is ignore me and push me away!"
"What was I supposed to say? As soon as you caught me with that beer your disappointment in me was written all over your face! You don't know how much that affected me, seeing that I had hurt you so much, and then when you confronted me about it, you overreacted and didn't let me explain what I had managed to fix."
"I need to go home and lie down. You've managed to give me a killer tension headache Dr. Carter." She rubbed her eyes and her temples, obviously frustrated with the situation. She felt grumpy and just wanted to be alone. He exhausted her. At least it was the fighting with him that exhausted her. It just didn't feel right. She needed to get some sleep, and put these tense words to rest for the night.
"At least let me walk you home Abby. I'm sorry for the way I've behaved."
"I don't have to talk to you do I? I don't have the energy to maintain pleasantries between us. I just want to focus on crawling under the covers and forgetting this night."
"It's a deal." He answered her softly and regretted his harsh reaction. He helped her up from the bench and they walked silently toward the El station, concentrating on their steps and everything around them. In one instance he attempted to reach out for her hand but she quickly slipped it into her pockets giving him a look that read, " You have got to be kidding."
They rode the subway all the way to Abby's stop in silence. Their eyes met unintentionally a few times, and a few times their eyes met on purpose. Mixtures of confusion and frustration passed in the air between them. When they reached her stop both rose simultaneously and exited the train. They walked the wet streets in silence toward her apartment building. When she reached for her keys he thought he would take a risk and speak. She felt his attempt before the ideas on what he would say had even passed through his mind. She held her hand up to silence him and softly shook her head "no". She opened the door and lowered her eyes, disconnecting their gaze.
As the door closed behind her, Carter hung his head and memorized the patterns of intricate stitching on his black leather shoes. He memorized that pattern and went over it in his mind until he heard her close her apartment door above the second flight of stairs. He continued to memorize this pattern with his eyes until he thought, he imagined, and he hoped, that he could hear her settling down under her covers, falling fast asleep with a sigh.