Sandoval pulled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on them. Sunlark's words flooded his mind, spilling over and drenching his heart in the downpour. More than a gentle rain, it was a storm. Reason and emotion, past and present, right and wrong—all battling with each other in his mind.
"How do you feel, ke'chara?"
Sandoval jumped as Vanyel sat down beside him on the bed. He hadn't truly expected the reason for his turmoil to materialize out of nowhere.
"Are you alright?" The Herald reached out to brush his cheek. Sandoval flinched away from him.
"Yeah. Fine," he stammered finally.
"Nothing a little rest won't cure, I'm sure. You could do with some more sleep. I worry…." Vanyel scoffed lightly, cutting off his sentence.
Sandoval tensed as Vanyel's hand rubbed his shoulder, fingertips gently working their way into his muscles. He jerked away from the touch. "Vanyel," he hesitated. "I…I can't. Please." The Herald's face fell and he abruptly took his hand away. Sandoval cringed as guilt wound its way around his heart. "I'm sorry…."
"It's alright." Vanyel's eyes fell to his hands—they lay listless in his lap. Slowly, he stood and turned from the bed. "I…I..." he didn't bother to finish his thought, moving to the door instead.
"Vanyel, don't go. I just…. Just don't go." Vanyel paused, but he didn't move away from the door. "I don't know what you tell you. I really don't."
"How can you ask me to stay?" he started quietly. "How can you turn me away, then ask me to stay? I…I should have known. Sunlark warned me last night, he said you were having a difficult time. Still, I did not expect this. A difficult time with questions and needing assurance I expected. But you have turned away from me in less than a day. You withdraw back inside yourself, you pull away from me as if I have mistreated you. I know it is not easy and I know you hurt. Consider that I hurt too." He hesitated, unsure. "I was so careful, so very very careful. I wanted you from the moment I saw you and I knew I could probably not have you. When you came to me, I was scared. Everything I wanted stood before me and it had been so long…. But the last thing in the world I wanted was to hurt you. I was so careful…."
"I think I came at a bad time." Sunlark stepped through the door.
"No," Vanyel snapped. "I was just leaving." With that, he hurried from the room.
Sandoval watched him go. Vanyel didn't look back. He flinched as pain gripped his chest. What had he done? For the second time in his life he'd hurt the person he loved. Did he not learn? He'd forced Deedee out of his life and it had haunted him for years. Now to push aside Vanyel…. Sandoval closed his eyes and buried his head in his arms. He was alone again. Alone. The darkness swelled, threatening to overwhelm him.
"Sandoval," Sunlark tried to get his attention.
He didn't bother to raise his head. What could Sunlark want with him? The kestra'chern had already made it clear that he didn't approve of how he was treating Vanyel. If Sunlark had any idea what had just transpired…. He gasped as the pain closed around his heart. It pressed on his lungs, making it impossible to breathe. So dark…and cold…so alone. He shivered as he recognized the feeling. He knew this place, he'd been here before—and he'd fought it for so long.
Strong arms wrapped around his shoulders, drawing him tight into someone's side. Sunlark? Surely not after he'd failed him so. Vanyel? There was no way the mage could forgive him. Sandoval banished such thoughts from his mind; it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. The pain fed off his being, draining the energy from his body. He felt the hot tears run down his cheeks.
"Don't, Sandoval." He heard Sunlark's soft voice whisper into his ear. "Don't give in, my friend. You've beat it once before; that struggle was not in vain."
***
The office was dark, but Sunlark could still make out Vanyel's form leaning against the far wall. He knelt down just inside the door, reaching out towards a shadow on the floor. His fingers brushed the soft down of a feather, broken beyond repair.
"I know you probably do not want to talk at the moment, but we must." Sunlark sat down next to Vanyel. "You know I would not push you if I had a choice. But this situation cannot wait, there is too much pain in both of you. Pain which is all too understandable." He paused. "He has cried himself into exhaustion, Vanyel. Sit by him, please."
"No."
"He needs you. He needs you as badly as he has ever needed you."
Vanyel snapped his head up, glaring at Sunlark. Even in the darkness, he could see the anger flash across the mage's eyes. "You ask me to sit at his side when he would not sit at mine. I do not know him anymore. He would do well to disown me. It did not take him long to forget me and everything I have ever given him when his world threatened to question his choice. He cringes from my touch as if I would hurt him. Does he not realize it hurts me as well?!" Vanyel shook his head slightly. "I would have shouldered the burden with him. I would have stood by his side. But now it seems that does not matter to him. I do not matter to him. Perhaps I never did."
"He is human. And by nature, we are selfish beings. Whether it is right or not, we look to ourselves first. You cannot fault him for being human. You cannot fault anyone for being human.
"You remind me much of a young Tallo. His lover balked as Sandoval has. Tallo was so hurt, he lashed out at his lover. Unfortunately, he struck with powers he did not understand and could not control. It was only as his lover died did Tallo realize that their love had never gone—faltered, but not lost. Moondance regrets that moment every day of his life, we have spoken of it often. You will not need to destroy Sandoval, he will destroy himself. He is overwhelmed with pain. If you meant nothing to him, he would not hurt so. He has questions, yes. There is no doubt that he is uncertain of the road he has chosen. Such questions are to be expected. Sandoval was forced to change far more rapidly than I would like, and the world has not settled well beneath him. He is unsure of himself. I agree with you that he has dealt with it poorly, but that is no reason to destroy what you have. Be patient and understanding, Vanyel. I think you will find that he has not lost his love for you."
***
The room was mostly dark. Sandoval slept quietly on the bed. Vanyel shook his head, things change so quickly and easily. Two nights ago they'd shared that same bed. Last night he'd lain there alone worrying. Tonight it was Sandoval that kept that bed by himself—just as worried, if Sunlark was right.
He hated it when Sunlark was right. Granted, the man was a kestra'chern, it was his job to be right. Still, some days he wished he was wrong. He was perfectly content being mad at Sandoval, blaming him for his pain. Then Sunlark came along and ruined that by calmly noting that they were both at fault.
Unfortunately, Sunlark had an all too vivid point. He had over reacted. He had acted out of pain. Exactly as Moondance had—and Moondance suffered from that decision for the rest of his life.
Vanyel sat down in a chair that had been placed beside the bed. He had a right to be hurt, but he did not have a right to be blinded by it. Over the past year, he'd learned much about his lover—perhaps more than Sandoval knew about himself. Even the most perceptive person was blind about himself—that had become all too apparent in the past couple days. Sandoval's questioning of himself. His own rash reaction to the situation. If he didn't know himself, how could he blame Sandoval for the same. He felt guilty as he looked to the ruined feather in his hands. Sandoval loved him, he was stupid to doubt that.
Sandoval stirred in his sleep. Instinctively, Vanyel reached up to brush his cheek. Sandoval flinched away, waking at the touch. "Van?"
"Shhh…" he whispered, leaning forward to lay a hand on his forehead and soothe him back to sleep. He stopped himself just in time. Sandoval cringed as he took his hand back. "I can't say this doesn't hurt me, Sandoval. But…I don't want to do anything I'm going to regret later. I can't turn my back on you, not now, not like this. I love you, my Raven, I always have and I always will, regardless of what happens…."
"Vanyel," Sandoval stopped him. "Don't. I…when I watched you leave, my entire world fell down around me again. The only thing I wanted was to have that moment back, so that for once I could say the right thing and not have to see you walk away. I wished I could have every moment back, every moment that I pulled away from you, and this time I would draw you closer. But time doesn't work that way, no matter how badly I wanted it to. And I knew I would probably never have the chance to tell you what I wanted to. I love you, Vanyel. I am so sorry. There aren't even words…."
Vanyel felt a gentle touch at the edge of his mind, tentative and uncertain. He relaxed, letting it come. The touch gained substance as it found familiar footholds in his mind. It had been so long since they'd shared each other's minds without a crisis consuming one of them. The field in k'Treva, that was the last time every thing had been wonderful…. He closed his eyes, remembering that day. It had been perfect. The sun, a light breeze, and Sandoval. Smiling, he focused in on those memories. Nothing Sandoval had to say at the moment mattered, nothing mattered. Nothing but what that afternoon stood for.
:Please forgive me.: Sandoval barely whispered in his mind.
:I could forgive you anything, ke'chara. Anything. We have both been a little rash and selfish of late. I especially have not been as understanding and supportive as I should be. But we could go on forever, each taking the blame. Let's leave it at this and move on. As slowly and carefully as we need to.:
He felt the presence that was Sandoval relax slowly in his mind. Relaxing himself, he let the connection drop further into his mind. A heaviness seeped through his body, drawing the energy from his muscles. Vanyel sighed, opening his eyes. Sandoval had curled up into a tight ball on the bed, twisted up in the covers. He scoffed, the man had never been a quiet sleeper. Very carefully, he pulled another blanket from the end of the bed over his form. Sandoval didn't move. Sunlark was right, he'd cried himself into exhaustion. "Sleep, my raven. I'll be right here."
"Glad to see you here. I was worried for a while."
Vanyel nearly fell out of his chair at the voice. He had almost been asleep…almost. Only the Goddess knew how long he'd been sitting here trying to fall asleep, his body twisted in five different directions at once in attempts to find some sort of comfortable position. It was impossible. The chair had some mysterious vendetta against him. But who….
"Calm down, Van," Sunlark laid a hand on his shoulder. Vanyel felt his muscles relax under the kestra'chern's touch as warmth spread slowly through them. Almost as good as a Tayledras soaking spring…. He sighed, there was so much he missed about the Vale. "I have good news."
"What? You have no idea how long I've been trying to get to sleep, and how badly I need it."
Sunlark smiled. "Unfortunately, I do. He's draining you, as he drained me earlier. I know Moondance would not allow it, and he would probably be right. But I think there are always exceptions. I would rather let him get away with this than have to face bandaging his wrists again. You will be glad I came, though. We have a way home."
"Home? As in back to Valdemar?" Vanyel stared at him, unbelieving.
"Well…back to the Vale. Or at least close to it, I hope. It is complicated, but it can be done."
"Sandoval…I should tell him…." He leaned forward to wake Sandoval. Sunlark tightened the grip on his shoulder, stopping him.
"Let him sleep. There is no hurry. We may depart whenever we wish. But, Van, he does not have to accompany us. While this world has hurt him, it is his home. You must let him decide on his own."
"I…" Vanyel didn't bother to even start his reply. Once again, the all-knowing Sunlark was right. This was Sandoval's world. If Sandoval wanted to stay here, that was his choice. He had no say in the matter. "I am growing weary of your 'rightness,' Sunlark. Do you know what I would do to prove you wrong just once?"
Laughing, Sunlark squeezed Vanyel's shoulder. "If I did not know you were joking, I might consider that a threat. But trust me, it can be done. Not very often, but it can be done. And has—many, many times."
"I would love to hear about them," Vanyel said, his words dripping sarcasm.
"I think not." Sunlark shook his head. "A good kestra'chern keeps his secrets close to his heart and far from his mouth." He turned to leave. "I'll check back on you in a couple hours. It will not be long before we see the Vale again."
***