Summary: A new conflict surfaces in Rory and Jess's relationship, manifested as they struggle to define themselves as adults.
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual innuendo. Nothing graphic.
Feedback: Greatly appreciated. I won't withhold writing for feedback, but it certainly makes it feel more worthwhile. I'd love to hear anything, a sentence you liked, a piece of the story, your general thoughts. Anything.
Author's Notes: Rory's POV. This is a bit of a departure from my usual style. I hope you guys like it. I was trying for a more realistic feel than some stuff. Let me know what you think. The main titles and chapter titles are e.e. cummings quotes.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino and the other creators of the Gilmore Girls universe.

Ch. 6: close as i'm to you yes closer made of nothing except loneliness


So how does it feel to be a graduate? Jess asked, his hand resting lightly at the small of my back as we walked up the stairs to my apartment.

I don't know. I considered the question. It feels like I'm waiting for someone to come up and tell me what to do with my life. Give me advice. I looked over at him, saw the smile he was fighting, and we said at the same instant, The laughter was a release.

Seriously, though, I keep waiting for directions. I fitted my key into the lock and pushed the door open. This job was my dream, but now I feel like the road in front of me just stopped.

You know what I think? Jess asked, pausing behind me as I dropped my purse on the table. The question lingered there as he lightly brushed the palms of his hands up my arms. I shivered, turned to face him.

It was barely a whisper. He was so close.

I never got to hear what he thought because he kissed me instead. I struggled to kick off my shoes as he walked me backwards towards the couch. We tumbled onto the cushions still locked in an embrace, pausing only while he undid his tie and tossed it on the floor. Blindly I fumbled with his buttons, pushed his shirt off his arms, felt the muscles in his back tense as he carefully propped himself up above me. I moved in closer to trail a line of kisses across his collarbone.

I was just undoing his belt, my leg hooked around his, him struggling with the zipper on my dress, when the lights flicked on. We broke apart to see Faith watching us, her mouth set in a grim line. I avoided her eyes, re-zipping my dress and pushing myself into a more upright position. Jess sat back on his heels in front of me, kneeling on the couch, a small grin playing at the corners of his mouth. I shook my head, tried to stop him from saying whatever was about to come flying out of his mouth, but it was too late.

Gee, Faith, he said brightly, you're late.

Excuse me? Faith was normally a warm person, but she froze solid around Jess.

His sarcasm was intended to offend. See, normally your sex-radar goes off right about the time we hit second base, but tonight you didn't even make it in here until I had the condom out of my pocket. He brandished said condom and Faith averted her eyes. So either you're slipping, or we're just getting it on faster because I'm so damn desperate to get laid.

I hissed.

Faith shot me a look that expressed all of her loathing of the type of man I'd chosen to share my bed with, then pointedly exited the room. Nearly tripping in my embarrassment and haste, I gathered up my stuff and hurried Jess into my bedroom.

Did you see the look on her face? he demanded, barely stifling delight.

Yes, I did! I picked up one of my pillows and swung it at him, pretty hard. Jess, I have to live with her! What got into you? What could you possibly gain by saying any of that?!

He had the grace to look slightly chagrined. She's just so self-righteous, you know? What matters is that I love you, but she acts like we're committing some huge crime because we're not married! Jesus, it just pisses me off! He ran a hand up the back of his head in frustration.

She means well. I looked down.

he stepped closer, looping one arm casually about my waist and using the other hand to lift my chin. You have to admit it was a little comical.

I tried to avoid his eyes, tried not to smile, and nearly choked on a chuckle that escaped me. Sex-radar, Jess? He laughed. What would ever posses you to think of that?!

I don't know! He sat down on the edge of my bed, laughing harder. I just thought of it when she entered the room! Her timing is really impeccable, you know.

Oh, god. I sat down beside him. After a pause. How would a radar like that work, do you think?

he paused, pretending to give it serious consideration, I think for every article of clothing that comes off, the signal gets louder. Once the guy loses his pants, it goes into red alert. The idea of Faith having a little flashing light by her bed that warned of our impending intercourse sent me into another fit of giggles. Your roommate seems to have a particularly sensitive sex-radar, he continued, perfectly deadpan. It seems that hers goes into red-alert the second I walk in the door.

So how do we stop her? I asked playfully. I take it we can't just pick up our own radar to warn us that she's coming?

Jess faked a shifty paranoid look. No, that's just what she'd be expecting us to do! When I laughed, he wrapped an arm around my back and pulled me against him. Here's what we will do. Next time, I'll just sneak into her room and take a baseball bat to her radar. Simple as that.

My grin faded from my face as I replayed his last statement. Next time. It all came back that he was leaving tomorrow, leaving for longer than we'd ever been separated since we'd met. Next time might not be for over a year.

What is it? He'd noticed that I'd stopped laughing. My eyes blurred with tears and my world narrowed to the single point that was his concerned expression. Hey, don't cry.

Don't go. I was suddenly weeping. My exhaustion from the day had finally caught up with me. Don't leave me.

I'm not going forever. He caught my hands. I will be back, I promise.

But how do you know?! I was beyond rationality.

He sighed. I just know. He sounded impossibly serious, and that only made me cry harder. If there was no doubt about anything, he'd be able to joke about it. He kissed each of my cheekbones, catching tears that were rolling down my face, then found my mouth. The sheets were cool beneath me as he gently lowered me back onto the bed.

Making love that evening in the damp humidity of my bedroom was the moment where I finally crossed over from childhood, leaving the last strains of naiveté behind. That night there were no jokes, no sarcastic remarks, no interruptions. No secrecy, no sneaking around, no muffled giggles. Gone were the teenagers in love that we had once been; in their place lay two adults who were spending their last precious hours together, drinking in what they could of the other's presence.

The next morning when I rolled over and kissed the dent between his shoulder blades, I could have defined the word bittersweet with no hesitation; my sense of untainted contentment while lying beside him was tempered with a sense of impending heartbreak that I couldn't shake, even in the fresh light of day.


Well, that's the end of the chapters I'd already written (and put up slowly to keep you guys in suspense.) There will definitely be more, but I have to write it first. I hope to get at least one more chapter up before I leave in a week, but I make no guarantees. Thank you to everyone who wrote me such amazing feedback; you're awesome!