Disasterpiece Theater
Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber
And once again, we're in the fabulous Disasterpiece Theater study, where Lia is sitting in her wing chair, reading a volume of Fushigi Yuugi manga she found at her local Borders.
"Hi! Welcome to another week at Disasterpiece Theater. I'll tell you right now that this week's story is about Joe…because I wanted it to be. Yes, I didn't pull Joe at random. It has everything to do with my weekend plans. But before I begin, I'd like to announce the highly anticipated winners of that Sorato contest I had going. Now, as much as I loved all of the stories, and picking winners was incredibly difficult, I did so. Without further ado…the winners!"
Willis walks onstage and hands Lia an envelope.
"In second place, Sweethearts by Lady Yamato. And in first place…um, I had a tie because I couldn't decide. The winners are Let's Get Married by King Weregarurumon and Boku wa Itsudemo Soba Ni Iru by chichamunkyhead. Thank you to all who entered, and winners, please email me so I can take requests for your prize. And now, I present Joe and the Amazing Technicolor Lab-Coat."
~*~
Joe lived in the city of Tokyo, a fine example of…a medical student and Digidestined. One of twelve existent characters, Joe was the favorite one. Yes, I'm aware that T.K. and Kari are the "producers' favorites," but in this story Joe is the favorite. Okay?
So, Joe was given an amazing technicolor lab coat for no real reason at all. The reaction of the other eleven Digidestined?
"Eh."
You're supposed to be mad! This is like that Donny Osmond
musical!
"Oh. We're not happy!"
And now this coat has got their goat, they feel like it's unfair! Joseph's charm and winning smile failed to slay them in the aisle…
So, the others planned to do the good doctor in.
"Now wait a minute! We're a bunch of really moral kids! We're not just going to go out and kill Joe just because he's got a new lab coat!" Cody exclaimed.
"He does look rather fruity in it though," Yolei mentioned.
"I agree with Cody. Besides, I have a rehearsal anyway," Matt sighed, starting to leave.
"Oh no you don't! If I have to kill Joe, then you're helping!" Tai argued.
So when Joe came up to the computer room for a Digital World excursion as usual, they jumped him, tossed him in a broom closet, and ripped his lab coat to pieces. The malicious youth all went into the Digital World and sold Joe to a bunch of Gazimon passing through.
"Hey, what gives? I'm allergic to rabbits! You're fogging up my glasses!"
And, after spilling theatrical blood all over the shredded lab coat, proceeded to tell Joe's fuzzy little partner about the "tragedy."
[big fat musical production!}
"Gomer, we've something to tell you,
A story of our time.
A tragic but inspiring tale
Of manhood in his prime.
We know we were a dozen kids,
But now that's not quite true.
But feel no sorrow, do not grieve,
He would not want you to.
There's one more angel in Heaven,
There's one more tear in my eye.
Joe, we'll never forget you!
It's tough but we're gonna get by…"
And the song continues, Gomamon standing there in openmouthed shock the whole time. So now the digimon are convinced Joe was killed fighting off a hoard of rabid Yokomon. But Joe is actually elsewhere…
~*~
After being thrown in jail for "attempted rape" of a Floramon…she did all the moves and got the boy blamed…Joe was asked to serve the Pharaoh in Digital Egypt.
"Please not Mummymon, please not Mummymon, please not Mummymon…" he mumbled. The Pharaoh sat on his throne in all splendor, disco lights flashing.
"Well, hey, hey Joseph, uh-huh-huh!"
Joe looked up, tilting his head in confusion. "Etemon?! You're the Pharaoh?"
"That's right, little buddy, and I've been having these psychedelic dreams that I don't get. It's like tripping on LSD, uh-huh-huh!"
"Well, maybe I can figure them out. I am a doctor, after all."
Well, Etemon puts his troubles to song, and in between the guards and dancers singing "bop-she-wadda-wadda" Joe got the gist of it.
"So you're telling me you've been dreaming about slathering yourself in hot fudge and offering yourself up to the Dark Masters?"
"Uh, wrong dream."
"Oh. You've been dreaming that you see ten minutes of Escaflowne
followed by ten hours of Los Luchadores?"
"That's about it."
"Easy. It means FOX is going to have half a season full of really good shows, followed by three seasons of really terrible ones. We got that half season already, with Escaflowne, season two of Digimon, and a couple other things. Now we're in the middle of the bad years. You need someone to guide you through it."
"How bout you, uh-huh-huh?"
"To put it simply, thank you, thank you very much."
~*~
[another musical number]
"Do you remember the good old days?
(a bunch of lines I don't know)
And I'm even missing Joe and his allergies.
That first season we used to know,
Where has it gone?
Where did it go?
Eh bien, raise your berets.
To those good old days."
And the song goes on, improvised for Digimon. Eventually Ken suggests they go hunt down Joe in the Digital World and after getting into a fight with Izzy about who the genius of the team is, they all go.
~*~
"I shall now take them all for a ride,
After all they have tried homicide!"
The kids were cringing before Joe, done up by a bunch of concubines lolling around the palace of good ol' Etemon.
"How do I know where you come from?
You could be spies!"
After still another musical number, Joe decided to grab Cody.
"This one! He's a thief! He stole…um…he stole this digivice!"
"But it's mine!"
"Liar! Take him away!"
As the guards came the girls started shrieking hysterically and the other guys were trying to plead for Cody. After all, without Cody, there would be no sensible midget in the group!
"Give me a break. Mimi, you're my freaking girlfriend and you didn't even recognize me. You guys are so pathetic. I'm allergic to physical violence anyways!"
Tai, Matt, Ken, T.K. and Davis (Izzy isn't one for physical violence either) glanced at each other.
"WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU…AGAIN!"
And thus ends the story of Joe and the Amazing Technicolor Lab-Coat. With another big musical number, singing, dancing, disco lights and confetti.
~*~
"Well, another weekend, another story. See, my sisters are putting on Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, I'm helping out backstage, and I thought this would be a nifty little variation. Join me again soon for another pointless story from Disasterpiece Theater. Now go review or we'll do another musical number."