Disasterpiece Theater
Where stupidity is just a
click away.
The show isn't being broadcast in the study or from the beach this weekend. Instead, we're shooting from the Agianna apartment, where Lia is on her couch, in her pajamas, whimpering pathetically.
"He died?! He died! Why did he die?"
Willis, our general backstage manager, points to the camera and the little red light on the camera.
"Oh, we're on? Sorry, I'm still a bit upset about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Hi, I'm Lia and this is another episode of Disasterpiece Theater. Today's broadcast tale is one of porcine proportions. That's right, I pulled…Patamon. Fortunately, our ham friend is a lot easier to write about than that stupid armadillo…especially when I have a franchise in the Patamon department. Go now, to the pig's story while I try and figure out what exactly happened in that two hour movie other than a lot of swordfighting and people flying over rooftops."
~*~
Patamon, our favorite caped crusader, had fallen asleep on the couch while watching every Batman movie known to mankind. Biyomon and Wizardmon, his roommates and sidekicks, were at their own homes, pestering their respective owners. When the little pork tenderloin awoke, muttering about a tub of grocery style potato salad he had a crush on, he noticed a whole lot of light pouring in through the mansion windows. He glanced at the huge clock in the corner…2:27 AM, Gotham City Daylight Savings Time. It was then he realized he was being summoned by…THE BATPIG SIGNAL!!!
"To the Batpigmobile De…oh, that's right, you're not here. Looks like I'm flying solo tonight."
The Pork Knight hurried to the entrance of the Batpig Cave, sliding down the fireman's pole and into his appropriated cape and cowl. It took him a good ten minutes to find his car keys, and once he did find them he discovered (to his horror) the engine in the Batpigmobile wouldn't turn over!
"Stupid car! Why won't you work? I just had Joe send you to Jiffy-Lube for a tune up!"
He sighed, looking around for a substitute mode of transportation. In the corner was the Batpig Motorcycle. Next to it the Batpig Supersonic Jet and the Batpig Submarine. Our hero hopped onto the motorcycle and tore out of the Batpig Cave, the Batpig Training Wheels squeaking as he burned rubber down to the Gotham City Police.
The police station was locked, and all the lights were off.
"Hello?! Commissioner? HEY SORA!"
Batpig kicked the door with his small, rodent-like foot, cursing profusely as it started throbbing. Someone on the roof of the station (where the Batpig Signal is kept) whistled.
"Get your lard-ridden behind up here, you orange lump of cholesterol," the person hissed.
"If this is another one of Shadowmon's stupid pranks I'll…" he grumbled, propelling himself up the wall with his Batpig Grappling Hook.
~*~
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am…Yolei?! Why the heck are you calling for me? I thought Sora was the only one with access to the Batpig Signal!" the Caped Crusader snapped.
The purple-haired hussy glanced around nervously. "There's some guy who's been tailing me for six-and-a-half blocks now. I think he works for the Archam Legion of Criminally Insane Digimon."
Patamon rolled his eyes. "Well, what were you doing that coerced this guy into following you? Huh?"
Yolei folded her arms across her chest. "So maybe I was blackmailing Ken so he'd go out with me. And I might have been sending threatening letters to Mimi so she'd keep away from Joe. And setting up surveillance cameras in the Kamiya apartment so I could watch Tai. And planning the deaths of Lia and Nicki so I could have Matt and Izzy all to myself…but that's it, I swear!"
"Oh. Okay!"
Just then a hoard of shadows jumped from the rooftop of the corner deli across the street and onto the police station.
"Like you're really going to believe her?" someone asked.
"Who the heck are you?" Yolei questioned.
"The Alliance of Night's Vigilantes. Or, just the Alliance if you prefer."
"NO! Not you guys again! This is MY fanfic, buzz off!" Batpig shrieked.
Kaiser tapped his whip against his palm. "Look, Batpig, we'll leave in a minute. Just thought you should know that ain't Yolei."
"Eh?"
"Nope. Shapeshifter on the run from the Men in Black show. Let us deal with it, you go back to whatever you were doing," Fallen Angel stated coolly.
"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU PEOPLE, AND WHY DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?!"
"We're just on a higher level of authority than you, that's all," Phantomon replied.
"So…" Darkscythe started to say. Wormmon shook his head.
"This is a G-rated fanfic. Keep your language to that."
The alien shed the Yolei appearance much like Malomyotismon did out of Oikawa. The whole explode from the skin routine? Yeah, that.
"If you want to deal with that on your own, then go right ahead," Kaiser said, pointing to the twenty-foot high creature with claws and fangs, oozing with green slime, bug-eyed, the works. Standard movie monster alien.
"Of all the times Biyomon isn't here," Patamon grumbled, going through his utility belt.
While he was busy with that, the Alliance was working on taming the savage beast themselves. Phantomon was thrown against a wall, the thing nearly ate Darkscythe's weapon of choice, and (air quotes) laser fire was bouncing right off of it.
"Nothing's working!" Fallen Angel pointed out.
"Well aware of it!" Kaiser snapped.
"Hmmm…Batpig Soy Sauce, Batpig Ant Trap, Batpig Bobby Pin, Batpig Microphone, Batpig Printer Paper, Batpig Electrical Tape…why can't the author give me anything useful?!"
Just then, the giant alien thing knocked the only girl of the group off her feet and picked her up upside-down, giving her a good shake in the process. This, of course, knocked her mask off.
Patamon actually didn't notice this. Here it is, the chance to unmask Fallen Angel, and he misses it! However, he did find a few useful Batpig items in his utility belt.
"Whaddya know? Several gun thingies and I have no idea what they do!"
He fired one, it shot a thin wire cable out of it that wound around the alien thing's legs and knocked it over, giving the femme fatale a chance to scramble out of its clutches and retrieve her mask. The other one was a spare icer from Men in Black. The alien was frosted, Batpig actually saved the city for once.
"Now, let's discuss your true identities," he said to the team of heroes staring in shock at the busted alien.
"Let's not and say we did," Darkscythe retorted, hurtling onto another rooftop and vanishing into the night.
"It's a secret in a mystery in an enigma," Phantomon added as he floated off, carrying Wormmon.
Batpig glanced at Kaiser and Fallen Angel, who were holding hands.
"And what about you two? Ken and some girl person?"
"Must I keep telling you I'm not Ken? Look, it's a secret."
"Telling you our identities defeats the purpose of the Alliance, much like digivolving defeats the purpose of Batpig. Besides, those who read the fanfics must be intrigued a little longer before our secret may be revealed. Until then, little ham hock," the girl added, spreading storm-colored wings to the sky and winging off as Kaiser leapt onto another roof.
They don't call her Fallen Angel for nothing.
"Oh, so now you show up, Lia? After all of that? Why weren't you around to give me guidance, huh?" Patamon questioned as he hopped down to his motorcycle, leaving the alien next to a mailbox with proper postage attached, the sticky label addressing it to MIB.
Because I had to bring in groceries.
"You're hiding something. I bet you know the identities of that Alliance."
Of course I do. I'm just not telling. It spoils it.
And thus the city was once again saved by the Caped Crusader, the Pork Knight…Batpig.
~*~
"I've been dying to pull Patamon just so I could write a Batpig fic and put it in here. As you can see, the identities of the Alliance will not be revealed…at least not until the next installment in the Batpig saga. I'm Lia Agianna, and now if you'll excuse me, I have a boat to polish."
The psychotic evil that is Mr. Agianna hauled his daughter's sorry behind out to the garage, where he handed her a bottle of boat polish and a pair of terrycloth rags.
"Why must my life be so difficult?"
~*~
So while I'm polishing the boat, review and make me happy. Maybe it'll help my fingers stop from being numb. Hey, did anyone else notice Card Captors' new episode was a reheat of the very first one? The one they never aired but showed clips of? What a rip-off! I wanted that angel guy! He's a bishy!!!