Disasterpiece Theater
100% Real
Insanity…Guaranteed
Once again, Disasterpiece Theater is being broadcast from the Agianna apartment. Lia's sitting on the couch, with her "Nimoy-Pillow," Sailor Moon and Card Captor Sakura manga, using picture-within-a-picture to watch Fushigi Yuugi and Oh My Goddess at the same time, while in the middle of writing this Digimon fanfic.
"Hey everyone, welcome to another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your hostess with the anime obsession, Lia. Anyone else notice that the so-called new episodes of Card Captors are reheats of Japanese episodes that weren't entirely shown in the US but clips were shown? Like the Cloud Card episode this weekend was never on, but they showed a clip of it when Mei Lin left. Anyway, here we are in another weekend of crazy fun…especially considering who I pulled for this weekend's Disasterpiece."
There is a puff of blue smoke as everyone's favorite black-and-blue kitten appears on the arm of the couch.
"Ta da! It's me!"
Lia rolls her eyes. "Yup, I pulled Shadowmon."
~*~
Nicki had gone out for the day, leaving Shadowmon home alone. Well, Shad didn't know that yet. She was still asleep.
"Mmm, Gomamon swimming in marshmallow fluff…death to Yolei…humiliation of BakaYama…Gomamon in fluff…"
When the cat finally woke up, she was in the house by herself. Her first order of business? Prank call all the Digidestined. Second order? Eat anything and everything in the house that contained sugar. Now on an intense sugar high, the cat ran around the apartment at top speed.
"I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm running I'm…oof!" the kitten digimon skidded on a throw rug in the kitchen and slammed into the cabinets, knocking pots and pans to the ground and onto her head.
Just then Shadowmon's pager started beeping incessantly.
"Ooh!" she cried, using her spiffy psychic powers to float the pots off of her and put them back in the cupboard. Following that, she popped into her APT catsuit and fished her cell phone out of the laundry hamper.
"Shadwell here. What's your beef? Uh-huh, uh-huh…you're kidding me. You're kidding me! No way! Right, I'll be there ASAP. Shadwell out."
The kitten popped onto the table and turned her owner's laptop on. Then she remembered something.
"Wait a sec…how am I supposed to get to the Digital World this way? LIA!!!"
Hello? You're a psychic cat that teleports? Try that.
"Oh yeah!"
~*~
Shadowmon arrived in the office of Izzy Exposition, head of the agency that was in charge of sending the Austin Powers Trio on their missions. Unfortunately, Izzy was out with Nicki, leaving his young ward in charge.
"Hi Cody. What's the problem?"
The vertically challenged Digidestined had a hard time seeing over Izzy's desk, but did his best to look professional.
"You're being sent to Gotham City. Batpig is having a few problems, his sidekicks are on strike until he stops dating their groceries, and that Alliance refuses to deal with it."
"Hmph, for once Lia's little playgroup isn't doing their job. Wow. Wait a second! There's no way I'm working with Patamon! He's stupider than Matt!"
Ahem, don't forget, I'm just as omnipotent as Lia.
"Eep! Um, Felicity Shadwell, away!"
~*~
Shadowmon arrived in Gotham City moments after escaping the Wrath of Ishida, teleporting onto the roof of the Gotham City Police Headquarters. She found the Caped Crusader lying next to the Batpig Signal, curled up in a fetal position, sobbing.
"Whoa, Porky, what's the prob?"
"Scary…kitty…evil…kitty…"
Shadowmon rolled her eyes. "Can't you speak a language I can understand? I only speak broken gibberish!"
The Pork Knight sat up, hugged his chubby knees, and started rocking back and forth while sucking a thumb.
"Well, if you're going to be like this, baby, then I'll have to save this city! Groovy, my own Felicity Shadwell adventure!"
The psychic digimon uncoupled Patamon's utility belt, shook it out, discarded any useless objects (and believe me, that was a majority of objects) and took whatever was left into her own custody.
Slipping a pair of infrared goggles over her eyes, Shadwell noticed a trail of pawprints and quarters.
"Quarters? Wait a minute. Quarters…cat…quarters…cat…BINGO! There's only one pussycat that fits that description, and I'll bet my mojo he's after me. Well, at least it's not that cat from Fushigi Yuugi…the one with the owner with the gaggy name."
Shadowmon followed the pawprint trail to the edge of the building, where it vanished and reappeared across two streets and three buildings down, on top of Gotham City National Bank. The cat flipped her goggles up onto her fuzzy head, pausing for a moment.
"So this is why Davis loves Tai's goggles so much. These things are comfy!"
She was all ready to teleport across to the bank, but nothing happened.
"Oops, outta juice. I knew I should've stolen Tai's cheeseburger while I had the chance. Gonna have to do this Batpig style."
Shadwell pulled out one of those grappling hook gun things of Patamon's and fired it at the building across the street, hooking it onto the ledge and swinging over a major highway. While doing so, our heroine started composing her theme song for her own syndicated television series.
"She's a psychic cat who knows where it's at…Felicity Shadwell! When trouble breaks out everybody will shout for…Felicity Shadwell! She's the secret agent digimon that everybody loves! Felicity Shadwell!" she caterwauled, landing on the bank's rooftop.
A/N: I got the idea from an old episode of Boy Meets
World my sisters had on…when Eric thought he could grow up to be a good-looking
crimefighter.
Sounds like Ken in the future.
Suddenly quarters rained down out of nowhere, rendering the super-secret secret agent cat immobile.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So, we meet again, Shadowmon."
Shadwell squirmed, trying to wriggle free from the shiny mass of coins.
"I knew it was you. You were always too stupid to cover your tracks during a heist."
"Yeah, dose were de good ol' days, weren't dey?"
A charcoal gray cat with a shiny gold thing on his forehead and a fairly mangy coat stepped out of the shadows, leering at his captive. Yes, readers, it's (dun-dun-dun) a p***mon!
"Izzy, long time, no see. Mondo teach you Payday?"
"No tanks to you and Nicki! You two left me an' Charlie wit' Mondo and took off for dis second-rate show!"
"Well, duh, I'm not a p***mon! I'm a digimon! And why would you be in my fanfic universe anyway, other than the fact that my author has a sick, twisted imagination?"
"Because I'm taking over dis joint! Dis franchise, Batpig, is an easy take. Once I'm boss here, I'll move on to yer udder stories until I conquer all Digimon fanfiction in de name of Team Rocket!"
"You'll never get away with this!"
"And…I was hoping you'd rule wit' me."
"Yeah right! One, I never liked you. You were loud, annoying, you didn't like the shows I liked, and you kept hitting on Gatomon! Gatomon's like my soul sister!"
If you break into "Lady Marmalade" I will hurt you.
"And two, I have a boyfriend! A digimon boyfriend! Not some lame p***mon like you!"
Izzy, the psychotic genetically altered Meowth Nicki used to own before quitting Team Rocket and becoming a full-time Digidestined, lunged at Shadowmon, claws extended.
Shadowmon closed her eyes, waiting for the attack. It never came. She found herself flying…in the arms of the Alliance's Fallen Angel.
"Need a lift?"
"You're that franchise-stealing hussy! Get away from me! You'll take the Austin Powers Trio!"
"Get real. I'm only here to pester Batpig; he annoys me to no avail. So what's going on?"
Shadowmon sighed. "Old boyfriend from Team Rocket is trying to take over our fanfic universe."
Fallen Angel stopped, midair. "He's going to do WHAT?! There's no way MY fanfics are being invaded!"
Shadowmon blinked. "Your fanfics?! Wait a minute…so that's why you showed up without any explanation! And you hang around a nearly all-powerful Mary Sue team of superheroes! I'm going out on a limb here, baby, but I bet you my flea collar you're…"
There was a flash of light as Fallen Angel used a borrowed Men In Black neuralyzer on the cat.
"What were we talking about?" Shadwell questioned.
"Izzy the Meowth is trying to take over Gotham City and the fanfic universe."
"Oh, right. Hey, I've been wondering. Just how did you get to Gotham City, anyway?"
Fallen Angel shrugged. "It's one of those mysteries in life. I just appeared in this universe as a mention in the end of a Batpig, and now I'm a full-time member. Kinda freaky, huh?"
"Oh. Can I save the day, or are you going to?"
"It's your Disasterpiece," the vigilante stated, letting the cat down onto the roof. Shadowmon blinked.
"Wait, how did she know that?"
Izzy the Meowth was off counting his millions in the corner, and wondering where to head to next.
"Hmmm, let's see…Disasterpiece Theater looks like an easy target…but there's always that series the blonde is writing…"
Lay off my fanfic!!!
Izzy looked around. "I must be hearing things."
"JUDO CHOP!"
Shadowmon's fuzzy paw connected with Izzy's neck. "OW! THAT HURT!"
He got to his feet quickly to see a darkened figure standing on the domed skylight of the bank.
"What in the…?"
"I'm Felicity Shadwell, protector of fanfics and everything groovy! And you're going down, baby!"
"Really? Payday!"
"Psyflare!"
And just as the battle started cooking up, Batpig swung into view.
"This fanfic isn't funny at all, you know. This is a Shadowmon story, it's supposed to be funny. What's up with you, Shad?"
Shadwell shrugged. "Lia's not wearing her evil flip-flops and hasn't gotten high enough on Japanese candy and anime. Besides, she got all the hyper out with Nicki and Annie last night and had to mow the lawn today. And she's saving all the good stuff for the Austin Powers Trio sequel (coming soon to a fanfic near you)."
The secret agent then slipped on a pile of quarters, flipping backwards, crashing into the skylight, through the skylight, and towards the floor.
"TRANSPORT ME SOMEWHERE, NOW!!!"
~*~
Matt was in the bathtub, soaking and trying to relieve himself of a killer migraine, when all of a sudden there was a flash of light and smoke as Shadowmon fell into the tub. She resurfaced, dripping, her infrared goggles cockeyed on her head, and a patch of bubbles on her nose.
"Get out of my bathtub, NOW!"
Shadowmon looked at him and started laughing. "I…don't…know…why…Lia…likes…you…so…much! You're…pathetically scrawny!"
~*~
She ported back to Gotham City and tackled Izzy the Meowth, sitting on him and singing every television theme song known to mankind until the police came. When they arrived, Izzy had gone mentally insane as Shadowmon was still singing.
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship…"
When Shad
finally got back to her own apartment, Nicki was on the couch, watching SpongeBob.
"What'd you do today?" she asked.
Shadowmon shrugged. "Annoyed everyone, saved Gotham City from Izzy your former p***mon, fell into BakaYama's bathtub while he was in it, sang some theme songs, almost found out the secret identity of one of those Alliance people, you know, the usual."
"Oh. That's nice."
Shadowmon looked up at her owner with a sly grin. "Horn Dog told me that BakaYama was talking in his sleep about how much he loved you and how much he wanted you."
"WHAT?!"
"Just kidding."
"SHADOWMON!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Yup, just another day in the life of Shadowmon, International Mon of Mystery.
~*~
"It probably sucked, I know. But I didn't want to give away any of the plot in the Austin Powers Trio sequel. That's going to be a riot. Besides, I had to mow the lawn yet again and I didn't have too much creative juice flowing today. Maybe next week. Until then, this is Lia Agianna. Have a spiftacular Fourth of July!"
Ken and Izzy magically appeared from offstage. "That's not a word!"
"And you think I care? Who writes this fanfic, me or you?"
"You, but Matt helps."
"Stupid Matt! He will taste my wrath! Ow! Sunburn!" Nicki hollered from backstage.
~*~
Reviews, I need
them. And some aloe for Nicki. And a
ticket out of here.
Gomen ne,
Yama-kun. *pouts* I have no control over that cat.
That's for
sure.