Disasterpiece Theater
We write what we want and
worry about consequences later.
We're back hosting the show from the Agianna apartment, where Lia is sprawled on the couch, watching a show devoted to ice cream. Her eyes are a bit red and puffy, and she's got dark raccoon rings around them.
"Hey guys, welcome to another weekend of Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your host, Lia. Sorry I'm looking so miserable, I slept lousy last night."
She glances offstage where the rest of the cast is hanging out.
"Not a word, Nicki. I know how your sick mind works. I had to spend a night with my grandparents…needless to say, it was not enjoyable. Fortunately for me, I have my favorite pint of stupidity right here…not to mention the bishounen waiting on me hand and foot. So, without further ado, I give you the star of this weekend's Disasterpiece. It's everyone's favorite goggle-wearing sweetheart, Davis."
~*~
Jun was about ready to drive her younger brother out of his tree again.
"Jun! For the love of the goggles, turn that stuff off!"
The big-haired hussy stuck her oversized head into Davis's room, her face plastered with runny mascara as though she had been through a fit of hysteria.
"Jun? Why are you looking at me like that? You're scaring me."
Her lower lip started quivering. "Davis, I need your help."
The maroon-haired boy was in the process of polishing the Sacred Goggles and dangling a Twizzler two inches from Chibimon's nose when the beckoning screech of the Junbeast interrupted him.
"Sure I'll recommend a nice mental hospital for ya, Jun!"
The older girl growled. "That's not funny."
"Sure it is! Funny for me!"
Chibimon, hiding under a clean pair of Davis's pajamas, squeaked with laughter.
Jun sat down on Davis's bed, shoving the hero of our story aside and almost knocking over the bottle of goggle polish.
"Davis, you're friends with Matt's kid brother, right?"
"Yeah…hey wait, whoa, stop the fanfic. I thought you were over Matt! I thought you liked Joe's older brother now!"
Jun did the lip-quiver thing again. "Nope. He just doesn't kindle my flames like that flaxen-haired angel. Can you help me, Davy? Puh-lease?"
Davis's jaw dropped. "Are you out of your mind?! Do you know what will happen if I even think about doing that? Lia and Sora will break me!"
"Who, the redhead and the klutzy brunette?"
"The champion soccer and tennis player and the All-Knowing Author of this fanfic universe!" Davis countered. "I won't help you, Jun, and nothing you can say will make me change my mind so there."
~*~
Five minutes later Davis and Chibimon were on their way to the Takaishi apartment, Davis's precious, sacred goggles in the viselike grip of the Junbeast.
"She didn't have to take my goggles and threaten to squash Ken with her thirteen-inch platforms!" Davis moaned.
"Well, I bet T.K. can help! He alwaysh comesh up with bright ideash!" Chibimon offered.
T.K.'s jaw dropped and Patamon nearly keeled over.
"WHAT?!"
Davis nodded. "She told me that if I don't get Matt to dump both girls…
A/N: Sora and I share the wealth, depending on the
fanfic.
…she's going to burn my goggles and squash Ken under her thirteen-inch platform shoes with the pink fuzzy marabou on them!"
Patamon flopped onto a nearby beanbag chair, a pint of Cherry Garcia cradled in his lap.
"You know the day Matt gives up on those two is the day he French kisses Nicki."
Shadowmon popped into the room and whacked the pig upside the head with a large iron fan a la Tasuki.
"Don't even suggest it, you sick, sick, pig!" she yowled, disappearing.
Davis did the lip-quiver thingy. "But how do I save my goggles? And Kenny?"
A light bulb went off over Davis's head, signaling an idea.
"Don't give me those looks, I can too think."
And so Davis took off, Chibimon in tow, aiming to right wrongs and triumph over his sister.
~*~
Fortunately for our heroes, Sora's tennis practice was cancelled on account of chocolate ice cream.
"Of all the things I've seen, I have never seen an ice cream truck break down and tip over on a tennis court. There must be thirty gallons of ice cream out there!" she sighed, putting her racket away.
"Sora! Thank the Almighty Goggles I found you!" Davis panted, sliding on a creamsicle and sliding five feet.
"Davis, what's going on?" the redheaded girl questioned as Chibimon started licking her sneakers.
"I know Lia has one, but what about you? A plushy Matt?"
Sora's eyes narrowed. "What do you want with my plushy Matt?"
"Jun's on the rampage again. I have to stop her before she destroys my goggles and squishes Ken with big shoes."
"Uh-uh, I'm not giving you my plushy just so Jun leaves Matt alone."
"You'll get it right back, I promise!"
Sora reluctantly pulled the plushy out of her gym bag, kicking Chibimon aside as he continued licking Rocky Road off of her shoes.
"It better come right back!"
~*~
Ken and Izzy were in the subbasement of Izzy's apartment, working on a particle accelerator and actually getting along. The geniuses were generally locked in a heated rivalry, both vying to be Supreme Egghead of the team.
"I…need…help!" Davis gasped, bursting in.
Ken grinned. "Gladly. What's wrong?"
Davis held up the plushy. "Clone it! Clone it fast! Your life is being threatened by big fuzzy shoes!"
Izzy frowned. "Can we clone plushies?"
Ken shrugged, going into a storeroom for a thick book entitled Official Loopholes and Plot Devices for a Fanfic Universe.
"According to this we can…but it's highly frowned upon."
"Please, guys, for the good of mankind and my goggles!"
Izzy grabbed the plushy, walking it over to a big machine type thing that looks like it was purloined from the set of Dexter's Laboratory. He and Ken donned lead vests and instructed Chibimon to get out of their centrifuge. The little blue monster grudgingly hopped off the spinning apparatus.
Five or six moments later, after hiding in a cardboard box in the next room as instructed by the geniuses, Davis was proudly holding a cloned copy of Sora's plushy, the original being sent back by Ken, who was fearing death by shoe.
"Now, Chibi, it's on to Matt and we're home free!"
"What makesh you think he'll help out? He might get mad at you for doing all thish inshtead of coming to him in the firsht plache?"
Davis glared at his partner. "Because if I know Matt…which I really don't…he'll be willing to do anything to get my sister off his case."
~*~
"Why?! Why must you be out? Why did you have to have a rehearsal today of all days?" Davis groaned, kicking the door to the Ishida apartment. His luck was running out, and the Doberman three doors down was starting to eye Chibimon suspiciously, as though he looked like a squeaky steak.
Davis thought that all hope of getting his goggles back (and saving Ken from certain doom) was gone, when he realized that this was his Disasterpiece, and help was only a paragraph away…or an elevator.
"Joe?! Now wait a second, I thought you were going to make Matt show up!" Davis yelled, shaking a fist at wherever the author was perched.
Oh, you want all the answers handed to you on a silver platter, eh? You get Joe. End of discussion.
"Hi Davis! What are you and Chibimon doing here?"
"We were gonna ashk you the shame thing!"
Joe grinned. "Matt and I worked out a deal. I bring his groceries up and put them away, he babysits Gomamon while I'm at work."
"Oh. Can you forge signatures?" Davis questioned.
Joe stared at him oddly. "Wha? Why would I need to forge a signature?"
Davis hurriedly explained the whole traumatic ordeal, holding up the cloned plushy.
The blue-haired med student sighed and dug around in his ever-present bag for a pen and some paper. Upon finding them, he quickly scribbled something Matt-ish and handed it off.
"You know you'll have to explain all of this to Matt later."
"Yeah, yeah, thanks Joe! I owe you!"
~*~
After nearly getting run down, chasing Chibimon two blocks (he was following a pretzel vendor), angering the Teenage Thing (from On the Town, the girl Pumpkinmon and Gotsumon were pestering), tripping Lia for the thousandth time that week, and rescuing Chibimon from a pack of poodles, Davis made it back to his apartment with the plushy and the paper.
"Hey Jun! I got you something!" he groaned, collapsing onto the couch.
The teenage harlot waltzed into the room, eyeing her brother suspiciously. "What?"
Davis held up the plushy and the piece of paper, now slightly soggy from poodle slobber.
"Hmph. 'Dear Jun, thanks for everything you do. If you need me, call me. Love, Matt.' Ohhhhh!"
As Jun tossed back Davis's goggles, Chibimon tugged on his owner's shirt hem.
"What'sh the phone number Joe put on there?"
Davis snickered and whispered to his partner, "It's the phone number for the pound."
Chibimon squeaked hysterically and Davis hugged his goggles.
"I'm so clever I amaze myself."
~*~
"There you have it, another warped piece of fanfic. I have to come up with better ideas for these, I really do. Well, I survived my first day on the job as a camp councilor, only another twenty-nine to go. I'm Lia Agianna, signing off until the next miserable piece of stupidity."
Davis and Ken run by, hollering black-and-blue bloody murder. Jun chases them with her thirteen-inch shoes with the feathers, threatening to kill them.
Get me out of here, please.
You?! You almost handed me over to Jun! How could you?
But I didn't. So quit complaining and help me rake in the
reviews.