Disasterpiece Theater
Guards against UVA and UVB
rays.
Once again, we're broadcasting from Lia's apartment, where the author is sitting in radioactive splendor. Her knees, ears, shoulders, and chest are glowing…no, not Queen Kari glowing. Sunburn glowing. About as red as the camisole tank top she's got on.
"Hey everyone! Welcome to another edition of random stupidity at Disasterpiece Theater. I would've gotten this out sooner, but I was babysitting Friday night until one, we went to the beach Saturday until two, I mowed the lawn and watched Card Captors and Mon Colle Knights (which I taped), babysat again, and went to the beach again today. So that was my weekend. Hey, did anyone else notice all the Digimon voice actors in Mon Colle Knights? The big-haired Taichi wannabe was played by Veemon/Chibimon/Ken, the green-haired girl was played by Koromon, the psychotic professor was I believe Oikawa, the bad guy sounded vaguely like Piedmon, one of the extras was Agumon, another sounded like Mimi or Tokomon, I couldn't tell, and one of the fishy people was…*snicker* Cody!!!"
Cody growls from offstage. "Not funny."
"And one of the prince guy's lackeys, well, she looked like Yolei and was about as intelligent as her."
Nicki holds up a sign from offstage, reading, "Yeah, about as smart as week-old mackerel."
Yolei hits her with a paper fan.
"So anyway, today's Disasterpiece is a tour de force of inane pleasure for I have selected…Gabumon!"
~*~
Gabumon sat in Matt's closet, holding a flashlight between his teeth and staring at the blueprints laid out before him. He absently swiped the sleeve of one of his partner's many black sweaters, muttering to himself.
"Let's see…if I place the dynamite here, it should be enough to blast a hole through the freezers. I'll have about three minutes to get in, grab the goods, and get out. I can take only the important ones. Best to leave the usual vanilla-chocolate-strawberry behind. Maybe I can plan it perfectly and blow it up right between the Maine black bear and the triple fudge ripple."
But his planning was interrupted when the blonde bishounen swung the doors wide open.
"Do you mind telling me why you're in my closet, Gabumon?"
The dog-lizard thing snapped off his flashlight and rolled his plans up quickly.
"No reason. No reason at all, Matt. Just sitting in here, making sure the moths don't attack your good dress shirt."
Matt scowled. "Moths eat wool, my good dress shirt is cotton. What are you doing?"
Gabumon clutched his plans close, but Matt managed to pry them from his grip.
"These are the blueprints for the TCBY around the corner. You weren't planning on doing anything like, oh, I don't know, blowing it up now were you?"
Gabumon sweatdropped. "Heheh, of course not, Matt. You know I'd never do that, right? Maybe we should have a little lecture on trust. You see, trust is like sticking your hand into a subzero freezer…"
"Gabumon, we don't have time for this. We're going to be late."
"Eh? Late for what?"
Matt hauled the digital monster out of the closet, and Gabumon nearly had a heart attack. His companion, usually bedecked in somber tones, was wearing a white shirt, lurid blue bellbottoms, and an orange ascot.
"We promised the CEO at Cartoon Network that we'd fill in for the Scooby Doo cast while they were stuck in that blizzard in Green Bay."
Gabumon blinked a couple times before bursting into hysterical fits of laughter.
"You…and…you…with that…and…"
Matt fastened a dog collar around Gabumon's neck while the digimon was incapacitated by his chortling.
"Let's go, Scooby."
Gabumon stopped cold. "Whoa, wait a minute. What did you just call me?"
"You're the closest thing to a dog. You're Scooby Doo."
"For the love of Weregarurumon, no!"
"It's either that or we spend the fanfic running around Gotham City with T.K. and Patamon."
"Curse you, Teenage Wolf. Curse you."
~*~
Gabumon sat miserably in the back of the Mystery Machine, on loan from the CEO's at Cartoon Network. Sora rode shotgun beside Matt, looking very Daphne in her purple-and-green dress thing. Kari was wiping down the fake glasses she would need as Velma, and T.K. was pouting. Yes, our boy T.K. is our Shaggy.
"This bites. It really, really, really, really bites," the usually chipper blonde grumbled.
"You know, I had plans today," Gabumon stated. "I was going to blow up an ice cream store! Matt, why must you ruin my plans?! May the Junbeast infest your soul!"
Of course, Matt wasn't listening.
"All right, all we have to do is the usual Scooby Doo business of solving a hokey ghost mystery and then we'll get paid. Remind me again why we're doing this, Sora?"
The redhead smiled. "Because nobody uses our voice actors in the other cheap anime shows FOX produces."
"Oh. Right."
"Jinkies, do you think we'll be able to figure this out?" Kari asked.
Gabumon grabbed the twelve-year-old by the collar and glared at her. "If you say 'jinkies' at all through the length of my Disasterpiece I will tear you limb from limb. Got it?"
Well, the faux Scooby cast pulled up to an old mansion out in the boondocks of cheap 70's animation. A scruffy-looking caretaker leaned on his shovel and glared warily at them as they piled out of their brightly colored van.
Mimi came flying out of the mansion, dressed in a peach-colored southern belle style dress. She winked at the camera.
"When they said all the Scooby Doo cast, they meant all the Scooby Doo cast," she giggled. "I got Joe to put on some stage makeup and be our scruffy caretaker, see?"
The camera panned towards the caretaker, where Gomamon popped out of his flannel shirt.
"When can we stop? I'm tired of doing this!"
Gabumon and T.K. stood glumly by as Matt, Sora, and Kari did their thing as the chipper Freddie, Daphne and Velma.
"Welcome, y'all, I'm Miss Mimi Lamoure, and this here's my ice cream plantation."
Gabumon perked up immediately. "Ice cream plantation?"
Izzy glowered from elsewhere, where the unnecessary cast members were. "Hmph. There's no such thing as an ice cream plantation."
Mimi clasped her gloved hands together. "Y'all gotta help me, I'm being troubled by a most vexsome spirit and it's scaring my cows!"
A/N: A thousand apologies to my Southern readers (like Gracie), but if you've ever seen Scooby Doo, you know this is how they talk.
"Like, what kind of spirit?" T.K. asked in a nasal Casey Kasem voice.
"The ghost of the first plantation owner, my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great…" Mimi took a breath. "Great-great granddaddy!"
"Well don't you worry, Ma'am," Matt said, kissing the back of Mimi's hand with his usual bishounen courtesy (and not for Mimato purposes…that's why Sora plays Daphne!). "The Scooby Gabu detective agency is on the case. Right Scooby?"
Gabumon folded his arms across his chest. "Like heck I'm gonna. Me 'n T.K. are going to sit in the kitchen and eat ice cream until either this whole thing is over or we throw up…whichever comes first."
~*~
Yup, that's what our horn dog hero and his Gilligan buddy did. Sat in the kitchen and ate ice cream while the others gathered their clues and interrogated their suspects. Halfway through his third pint of pecan-caramel swirl, T.K glanced up towards one of the large dairy freezers and dropped the ladle he was using as a spoon.
"Zoinks! A g-g-g-g-ghost!"
Gabumon rolled his eyes and looked up at where T.K. was pointing. A floating apparition resembling Colonel Sanders was wiggling his fingers and moaning at them in hokey Scooby Doo fashion.
"Throw me a bone here," the digimon sighed. "Blue blaster!"
The attack passed through the ghost, bounced off the freezer, hit a projector stowed in a pantry, and zapped a figure dressed in a costume identical to the ghost, who promptly vanished.
Kari came running in, hearing the commotion from outside. She adjusted her gigantic fake glasses, brushed off her ugly orange sweater, and stared at the carnage.
"Jin…" Gabumon glared at the perky Child of Light.
"What did I say about that word?"
"Sorry. Gee, you guys caught the ghost. Matt, Sora! T.K and Scooby caught the ghost!"
The others, along with Mimi, came running into the kitchen.
"What? But we just got here! How did they…?" Matt sputtered.
Gabumon smirked. "It's my Disasterpiece. I call the shots, Lia types. I wanted to go faster, she let me do it. I love being the digimon of the boyfriend of the almighty author."
"So who's the one scaring Mimi's cows so they won't be milked and her ice cream business is ruined?" Sora asked.
"The creepy caretaker," Kari guessed.
"Um…that guy from the rival ice cream store," Sora suggested.
"Nicki and Shadowmon!" Matt added. The others stared at him. "What? This is the kind of stupid thing they would do!"
Shadowmon popped into the fanfic, hit Matt upside the head with a paper fan, and popped out again.
T.K. trudged over and pulled the mask off of the so-called ghost. Yolei glared back at them.
"Yolei?!" everyone gasped.
Mimi tapped the palm of her hand with a wooden spoon. "I should've known. You've always been jealous of me, Yolei, and as the daughter of the owner of the rival ice cream store, it's jest like you to try and steal my formula for triple-chocolate-caramel-crunch!"
"But how did she do it?" Gabumon asked.
"Easy," Kari stated. "She blackmailed Ken until he built her the equipment she needed and had Hawkmon help her smuggle it in at night, while Mimi was busy taking off her makeup…a task that takes longer than Tai gelling his hair. She used this projector to take the image of herself and project it wherever she wanted. But what I want to know is who that creepy caretaker is."
Joe yanked off his disguise and stood there in a ranger's uniform. "I'm with the county sheriff's department. You're going downtown with me, young lady."
"I would've gotten away with all of it, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your lizard-dog thing with the horn!"
~*~
T.K. and Gabumon were sitting in the back of the Mystery Machine again as the gang drove back over the border to FOX. Gabumon was inhaling ice cream, pulling it out of the fifty or so coolers stowed with them in the back.
"Jeez, Mimi didn't have to give us all of this ice cream," Matt sighed.
"Yes she did!" Gabumon crowed. "Now I won't have to blow up that TCBY…at least, not for another week."
Sora turned around in her seat. "You have to say it now, Gabumon."
The digimon glanced up from his gorging. "Say what?"
"You know what."
Gabumon sweatdropped. "Do I have to?"
"Yes," Matt growled.
"And if he doesn't?" T.K. asked.
His elder brother had a smoldering look in his eyes. "I drop Gabumon off at the Kamiya house for a month of Tai and Kari's mom's cooking. Tofu, soybeans, and absolutely no ice cream. Isn't that right, Kari?"
The glowworm of a girl nodded.
Gabumon's eyes widened in fear. "You wouldn't! You couldn't!"
"We have to go there anyways to drop Kari off. I'm sure Agumon and Gatomon wouldn't mind living at my place for a while."
"You win! You win!" Gabumon cried. Of course, he was thinking of ways he could strike revenge on his human partner. Maybe a little shoe polish in his conditioner.
"Scooby Dooby DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
~*~
Lia leans back in her chair, rubbing her collarbone. "That concludes another bizarre episode of Disasterpiece Theater. I don't know what happened with that one. Too many ideas at once. I got the Scooby Doo idea from watching it while babysitting, cuz Matt and Sora vaguely resemble Fred and Daphne. Anyway, before I go, I thought I'd hand the fanfic over to Patamon, who has a very important announcement."
The camera pans over to the pig-bat, who's in the process of glomping a can of Pringles.
"Oh, I'm on?! *ahem* Well, I'm here to announce, because Lia's a moron and has no sense of time or finishing fanfics in short amounts of time, a contest we here at Kawaii Li'l Lia Fanfiction Works are running. As you might not know, August the 18th is the one-year anniversary of the creation of Batpig, my fabulous alter ego. So you writers out there have until that day to write a little adventure starring me, Batpig Girl, the Dead Wonder and definitely not the Alliance…unless you're absolutely positive you know their secret identities and in that case you better answer to me or I'll break your hip. Anyway, so the winner(s) of the Batpig Fanfic Contest will be featured in my big one-year anniversary special and will receive a special doodly thing from Lia."
Veemon holds up a sign with all the fine print, which says plainly, "No rules, just write."
The camera pans back to Lia. "I'm posting a Batpig eventually that states all of this, but I've barely written any of it and I wanted to get it to the public before time runs out. So like our Caped Crusader said, write a Batpig Adventure to your own discrepancy and have it posted on or before August 18th! Until the next Disasterpiece, I'm your host, Lia! GET ME SOME ALOE!!"
~*~
You heard the
girl, get the aloe, get the reviews in, and get writing.
You're cooperating
with me?!
Anything to get
myself out of these hideous bellbottoms.
Zoinks and
jinkies.