Disasterpiece Theater
It is NOT "the most
wonderful time of the year!"
Yes, we're at
the Agianna apartment again. Yes, Lia is sitting in her computer chair in a
tank top and shorts. Yes, the accursed flip-flops are somewhere nearby.
"And yes, I have to babysit tonight. Hello, and welcome to
yet another weekend at Disasterpiece Theater. I'm your host, Lia. I've got a
fresh batch of stupidity boiling for you; so let's get cooking. Um, don't
forget about the Batpig Fanfic thingy. I know ff.net crashed and stuff, but you
should still be writing here, people! Anyway, so now I've pulled from my
hat…Kenny!"
~*~
Ken was
just heading out of the library, hampered down by a big ol' stack of books
(really thick ones that not even the authors understand), when he happened to
notice a large flyer printed on day-glo orange paper.
"Babysitter wanted," he read. "Desperate mother seeks
experienced sitter for nine-year-old daughter. Preferably female."
And then there were a bunch of paper slips at the bottom
with the phone number attached.
"Drat. I could really use the money, and I don't mind
babysitting, but this 'preferably female' part has me thrown for a loop."
It was then that Ken got his brilliant idea. Yes, he often
has brilliant ideas, I'm well aware of it.
"Maybe I can pull it off. It worked for Nuriko for at least
three episodes of Fushigi Yuugi."
~*~
Wormmon
watched in confusion as Ken dropped his books, grabbed a wallet, and headed for
the door.
"Hey Ken, what are you doing?"
"Nothing, Wormmon. I'm going out for a little while and then
I have to call someone about a babysitting job."
"Oh. Davis called earlier, he wanted to know if you guys
could get together over the weekend while Jun was sent off to their uncle's
house in Sapporo."
"I'll call him back later. Thanks."
"And Ken?"
The blue-haired bishounen glanced back at his caterpillar
companion.
"If you're trying some sort of harebrained scheme that
involves pantyhose, ask one of the girls for help. Please?"
Ken nodded and took off.
~*~
After
consultations with girly fashion magazines, and our resident fashion mavens
(Mimi, Sora, my sister Nicole), Ken pulled together a little ensemble he
thought worthy for an afternoon of babysitting. Fortunately when he called the
job was still available. Under the guise of "Kiree Ichijouji," he managed to
land a Friday afternoon job watching little Ami. Wormmon watched as his partner
did a little victory dance around the room.
"Yeah, now can you make it so this girl doesn't find out
you're in drag?"
"You'll see, Wormmon. I'll be so girl not even my own mother
will recognize me. Fortunately Ami doesn't live too far from here so I can walk
and my parents won't have to ask questions. They don't even know about me yet."
"You're going to tell them, right?"
"When I'm a little older. They're still pretty shaken up
regarding the whole Digital World thing."
And they left it at that, Ken going off to try shades of
lip-gloss. (Turns out he's a raspberries-and-crème.)
Wormmon scuttled over to inspect the outfit of choice.
"Pink, huh? It'll look good."
"Yeah, Mimi (visiting from the USA), Sora, and Lia thought
so."
~*~
Several
nights later, after much preparation and such, Ken was about as ready as a
twelve-year-old boy dressed in girl's clothing can get. His parents had gone
off to a wake for a friend of the family, leaving the Digidestined and his
partner home alone before the big babysitting job.
"Wormmon, do these pants make me look too hippy?"
"Nah, just put the belt on and you'll be fine."
"Ow! I think I nicked myself shaving."
"Face?"
"Legs."
Wormmon shook his head, his antenna bobbing. "Good thing
Armadillomon isn't here to witness this. He'd pass out. Now don't forget, if
you need me, call me. And have fun, okay?"
"I'll do that, Wormmon."
~*~
And so,
bedecked in a pink-and-baby blue softball tee, pink jeans, and sporty sandals,
Ken…I mean, Kiree…headed off to babysit a wonderful little nine-year-old girl.
"I WANT ICE CREAM, AND I WANT IT NOW!"
"Ami, sweetie, Mommy has to talk to the babysitter. Then you
can have ice cream."
Don't you hate parents who let their kids have whatever they
want and just give in? I was never brought up that way, and it's probably a
good thing I wasn't!
Mrs. Tashimodo handed Ken a piece of paper. "This is my cell
phone number, my sister's number, and the number of our family physician, just
in case. Ami should go to bed around eight-thirty, don't let her eat too much
candy or watch too much TV. If you two get bored, the building has a swimming
pool on the twelfth floor, you two can go play in it…shoot, I forgot to ask you
to bring a bathing suit! I'm not sure when I'll be home, this is my first date
in a long time…my husband and I divorced when Ami was three. Okay? Good night,
Ami. Mommy knows you'll be very good for Kiree."
As soon as
the door closed behind the woman, Ken knew he was trapped with this devilish
little delinquent.
"Your last name is Ichijouji, huh?" she asked. "Are you
related to Ken Ichijouji, the genius?"
"We're cousins," Ken stated calmly.
"Are you as smart as he is?"
"I'm not sure. I haven't asked him or anything."
"Can I have some ice cream?"
"Have you had your supper yet?"
"No."
"Then no."
Ami's face turned bright red as she clenched her fists and
began an unearthly shriek.
"I WANT ICE CREAM! IT'S NOT FAIR!"
Ken panicked. Rampaging digimon he could handle. Temper
tantrums he couldn't.
"Um…Ami, why don't you show me your room? Maybe we can play
something."
Ami
grinned, coming out of her tantrum. "Do you like Digimon? And P***mon?"
"Yeah, they're cool…especially Digimon."
"What about Sailor Moon? And Card Captor Sakura?"
"Yup."
"They're my favorites!" Ami squealed.
I'm in the clear, Ken thought as he headed off to the
child's room.
"Who's your favorite Sailor Scout?" Ken asked as the girl
opened the door to a pink-and-purple pony bedecked bedroom.
"Sailor Moon! How about you?"
"Hmm, it's a toss-up between Sailor Mercury and Sailor
Neptune."
Ami blinked. "But Sailor Neptune is a lesbian."
Ken sweatdropped. "But she's so pretty! And she's brave and
smart!"
"But she likes Sailor Uranus."
"Yeah, and?"
"And that's creepy!"
Homophobe.
~*~
Ken
entertained Ami for a good hour, doing his best to sound like…well, like me.
Confused? He's acting like I do when I babysit: a fifteen-year-old with a sick
obsession with anime.
"Who's your favorite guy anime person, Kiree?"
"Davis from Digimon."
"Wha? He's a loser! Matt and Tai are way better!"
I'll have to tell them that and inflate their egos some
more.
"Davis isn't a loser! He's cute! I'd love to go on a date
with him."
Too bad I already have. Several times.
"Can we go swimming?"
Ken panicked yet again, biting his lip and tasting
raspberries and crème. "I…I don't have a bathing suit."
"And how old are you?"
"Twelve…thirteen in a few months."
"Perfect! I have a thirteen-year-old sister and she lives with
us every now and then and she left a couple bathing suits here!"
And now our little bishy was freaking out beyond all mortal
comprehension.
"But…I can't go swimming."
"Why not?"
And Ken
gave Ami the best explanation under such pressure. *ahem*
"Let's just say it's not the best time for me to go
swimming, Ami."
"Oh-ho-ho. Mom gave me one of those puberty books like that.
Can't you use one of those thingies?"
"Um…I…uh…no."
"Oh. Then I'll go swimming and you can watch!"
Note to self: Come up with better excuses next time I
babysit in drag.
~*~
"I WANT
PIZZA FOR SUPPER!"
"But it takes half an hour to cook and it's almost your
bedtime!"
"I DON'T CARE! I WANT PIZZA!"
"Can't you just eat the sandwich? I made it extra special.
Matt and Tai would eat it."
"Really?"
"Yes, Ami. And so would Sailor Moon."
The girl reluctantly ate her sandwich, glaring malevolently
at Ken the whole time.
"Okay, Ami, let's get your pajamas on."
"I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED!"
"But Ami, you're exhausted! You practically slept through Outlaw
Star!"
"I DON'T WANNA! I WANT MOMMY!"
"Mommy will be home soon, I promise!"
After a wrestling match with the girl to brush her teeth,
Ken finally got her to sleep. Of course, she wouldn't sleep in her own bed.
That would be too easy. She had to sleep on the couch…leaving the floor for
Ken.
~*~
The mother
came home around midnight to find her daughter asleep on the couch and the sitter
sprawled across the floor.
"Kiree…Kiree…"
Ken woke with a start, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.
"Hmm? Kiree?"
"Yes, that's you dear. Are you ready to go?"
It took our boy a moment to remember he was supposed to be a
girl. "Um, yeah."
The woman handed him (the yen equivalent to) fifty bucks and
opened the door.
"I'll call again soon, dear."
Ken nodded and headed out the door. Mrs. Tashimodo watched
him go down the steps towards his apartment and was just about to close the
door when Davis conveniently came down the sidewalk.
"Hey Ken! Dude, I love the outfit! Did you dress up like a
girl just for me?"
Mrs. Tashimodo blinked. Ken sweatdropped.
"Um, good night! And thank you!" Ken shouted, grabbing Davis
and running.
~*~
"And that's
another farfetched tale from Disasterpiece Theater. Although, I could see Ken
babysitting in drag. Until next time, I'm Lia. Keep cool, and popular girls
suck. Now if you'll excuse me, my bishounen mercenary squadron is ready to beat
the snot out of some nasty little fourth-graders."
~*~
Popular girls made
my sister cry!
Send reviews,
it'll make her feel better…well, actually it probably won't but do it anyways
because I am Yamato and you will obey me!
Oh dear. The
heat's gotten to him. And the mint chip ice cream.